WHO KNOWS BEST

Posted on July 4, 2014 by hafong

Happy Fourth of July to my American family and friends.

It’s a hot one today. Nothing like a dripping tap, broken toilet and a mentally ill neighbour having an episode in the morning to set my teeth on edge for the day. A slow Internet on an even slower PC isn’t helping my disposition any. But I am hanging in there. I am determined to make the month as per status quo. I breathe, drop my shoulders, clear my mind. I close down the browser, shut the computer off and restarted everything. Success!

I left the computer running as is. I needed time and space to get into the zone. There were no words in my crowded, messy and frustrated brain – no transmission possible to my finger tips. They could not tap out anything no matter how nimble and willing they were.

Out came the vacuum and I am now happy to say the air and floor are much clearer of dirt and Sheba’s dog hair. The AC has been running. It is cooler. My edges are smoother. I haven’t yelled at anyone. My fingers are happily flexing their muscles. I wonder if they have a story to tell.

I’ve been a slob, clutter bug forever and a day. It’s a story I’ve been obsessed with and told for decades. Maybe I should change the story for it no longer serves me. So let me tell it one last time and then forever hold my peace.

It was a class in Grade 1 or 2 when we were living in Hong Kong. The teacher requested our parents to send a note stating our worst habit. We all dutifully brought our notes to the teacher. When my name was called, I had to stand up. The teacher read my mother’s note which said that I do not pick up after myself. I drop things, like paper and leave them on the floor.

The class was, in essence, like Show and Tell. My mother probably did not know what the teacher was going to do with the information. I didn’t. She read the note out loud while I was standing up beside my desk. Then in a very authoritarian and loud voice she said my name: LEUNG HAFONG! and proceeded to tell me to mend my ways. Then: SIT DOWN! I felt crushed. Tears stung my eyes, but I did not cry. I was a stubborn and willful child. I clamped down inside.

Who knows if that did me more harm than good. But now I am done with the clutter bug story. I am done with being that willful child. I do not have to be a willful and stubborn adult. I can let go. I no longer need that clamp.

It is the Fourth of July. We are all free!

THE FRUITS OF OUR LABOUR

Posted on July 3, 2014 by hafong

I think it is safe now to say that summer is here and the heat is on. It’s been a long wait this year. We’ve worked hard getting the raised beds built and prepared for planting. Then there was the hauling and shoveling before seeding and planting could be done.

It’s time to sit back, relax a bit and admire the fruits of our labour.

I almost wept when I was gathering the greens for a salad this morning. The lettuce and kale were so tender, the colours translucent yellow, green and brown- next to the rows of carrots, radishes and onions. So beautiful they were – a feast for the eyes and palate. I reminded myself then, that I deserve more credit than I usually give myself.

These salad days of summer are meant to be tasted, savoured and enjoyed at leisure. It is the time for me to dig through the clutter and rubble of a life to find hidden and by- passed treasures. They are waiting with bated breath to be discovered. Am I up to the task?

I remembered Anne Lamott’s advice about writing a book. You write down as much as you can see through a one- inch picture frame.

“E. L. Doctrow once said that “writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” You don’t have to see where you’re going, you don’t have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice about writing, or life, I have ever heard.”

I have tested it out and it works, not just in writing but any task. It works especially well when I am faced with a difficult task. I don my Wonder Woman costume and tackle one-inch frame after one-inch frame.

In the end, after task was completed, I did not find it hard at all. No golden lasso nor bracelets were needed. It was just human inching along power.

THE GHOST OF CHRISTMASES PAST

Posted on July 2, 2014 by hafong

Last night I heard the first of July fireworks through our bedroom window. I felt a little left out, like Cinderella leaving the ball early, losing her glass slipper in her hurry. It reminded me of all the Dominion Day celebrations of my childhood – of being left out. I was that child, face pressed against the window, outside looking in.

July 1st would find most everyone down at the Maidstone Sports Grounds. I never did know what the celebrations involved. If it was not a Sunday, our cafe was opened. Even if it was not, it was unlikely my father would take the family. My mother knew no English then. We were not part of the community socially. We had the cafe.

Isn’t it funny how these feelings of want linger on? They come out still, years down the road. That child in me has never gone away. It’s not that I don’t like special days or celebrations. I know I am suppose to but I never knew how. So I am uncomfortable with the unfamiliar.

Being immigrants, we did not celebrate the same occasions or in the same ways as everyone else in our small town of 600 people. We did not exchange presents at Christmas, but we did have a Charley Brown kind of tree one year. I thought that it was because we were poor. We did not have birthday parties nor presents. Instead, my mother made us a special treat for a meal. Christmases and birthdays enhanced my feeling of being left out and being different.

Being different is something I value now, but not then. The left out feelings are faded, though they still reared their ugly heads now and again. At least now I understand their source. I try to be a little kinder to that little immigrant child in me. I try not to blame my parents for any lack.

They did the best they knew how. We never went hungry. They gave us a good education. We grew up, became adults with successful careers and productive lives.

Now we do celebrate Christmases and birthdays with all the trimmings like everyone else. And I wish for simpler ways. How age change one’s perspective! Now that I can fulfill whatever want that I thought was missing, I have no want.

CELEBRATIONS AND CHALLENGES

Posted on July 1, 2014 by hafong

Today is Canada’s birthday. The sun is out and so are the mosquitoes. Life does have its bite. I wouldn’t want it any other way, would you? So cheers! Let us celebrate – to Canada and life with all its flavours.

This month brings with it new challenges for me – the Ultimate Blog Challenge and NaBloPoMo for July. I feel up to the challenges as I have been habitually tapping out words almost every day. .

I am reluctant to call myself a writer but words are my passion. They come to me unwittingly, when I least expect them and when I most need them. Other times I struggle to find them. They always come eventually. I just have to have the discipline to put my fingers on the keyboard and start.

BlogHer is celebrating its 10th year anniversary, therefore the theme for the month is DECADE. I like to take this opportunity to look back over my last 10 years or further – to take stock and see where I have been and to decide where I want to go. It is probably not easy. Most likely it will be painful to do it honestly.

I know from experience that I can never go home again for that ‘home’ (China) is not the village or country that I once knew. I can no longer read nor speak the language with any fluency. So am I really Chinese? Finding and feeling ‘home’ again is another challenge.

There’s a lot of work ahead, a lot of material and memories to sift through. It is worth the effort. I am looking for Hafong. I am searching for me. I am up for the challenge. I am going to type my heart out. How about you? Will you join me?

QUE SERA, SERA

Posted on June 30, 2014 by hafong

The rains did come in the night after all and continued through the morning. There was nothing to do but to live and enjoy the goodness it brings – beauty for the eyes, captured and saved by the camera.

We were content, in acceptance this morning. Well, I was my lassitude self for a little while, reluctant to get up as usual – no joie de vivre in my soul. I only felt a darkness, like a brick wall – nowhere to go. It was that staleness of jungle mouth and unbrushed teeth.

What do you do then, but to get up and rinse that staleness away. You do it with movement and feigned good cheer. It works some how and you breathe a little easier. The wall is not so dense . You can almost see around it, if not through it. And there on the other side is Sheba – waiting so prettily for me in the morning light, looking pleased and at ease with herself. That is how I should be.

A Doris Day song played in my head. I heard the words this morning and I paid attention.

“Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be”

Que sera, sera. The future is not ours to see. The brick wall is a friend, after all. We are not meant to live in the future but to be here and now. No point in second guessing ourselves of what could have been and would have been – if only we….. Though I liken myself to Wonder Woman, I am not Super Woman. I have no x-ray eyes. I cannot see into the future. I cannot change the past.

Good things happen. Bad things happen. Accidents happen. I feel good. I feel bad. It is the kaleidoscope of life. There are no free rides. There is fire. There is rain. James Taylor says it well.

“I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought that I’d see you again.”

There is hope – like a rainbow after the rain. Hold on to it. Chase it. Run after it. Don’t lose it. Treasure life.

BRAGGING

Posted on June 29, 2014 by hafong

The rains almost came, the sky heavy with dark clouds. But they receded as the sun competed for attention.

I am trying to write my few words but my own cloud is fighting to be heard. Patiently I sit, waiting for the tug of war to subside. It is not easy. It is not hard. I just have to sit and tap out one word at a time. I do not have to clever. I do not have to be funny. I just have to tell it as it is.

So how is it? When I think it is SO hard to do this and that, I am surprised to find that it isn’t so. When you make a start, one thing follows another. Before you know it, the thing is done. I am proud of myself. You could say I am bragging now. Why not? I have to give myself credit because I know how hard it is when the clouds grab a hold of you.

I used to live in wait – for the shoe to drop. It was a relief when it did and nothing else happened. No disaster. No headless monsters. I’ve learned to go with the flow and let the clouds stay their while.

I do not try to ease my pain. It is painful. My throat is tight and unyielding. My limbs heavy and limp at the same time. Everything hurts, even my eyeballs. Have you ever felt like that? I do not try to call or make dates with friends. No use burdening others and most likely no one will be home.

That has been my experience. No one is home in those times for me. It is more empowering that I be home for myself. So, I put my head down and put one foot in front of the other and MOVE, at whatever speed I can. Life is hard sometimes. You have to give yourself a break and a pat on the back once in awhile. You have to brag ~~once in a while~~, often. Go ahead. Do it.

FLUX AND FLOW

Posted on June 28, 2014 by hafong

By now you must know that I’m not a jubilant kind of person in the morning – even if it is summer. My feet rarely hits the floorboards in a joyous bounce. Rather, they reluctantly and languidly test the waters, ready to withdraw back under the covers if it is not to their liking. I try not to give it too much importance, this nature of mine. It is just ME.

And I always get up, dress up and show up for my life – every day. Some days are, of course, better than others. Today is a reluctant day. It is just a feeling. I get up, dress, wash face, brush teeth and fix my bed head. I am into the flux and flow of the day.

I read a little, tinkered some on the piano, stir fried pork with Chinese broccoli on my new cast iron frying pan for lunch. It was a pretty good morning. I was neither maudlin nor manic. I was just right, if there is such a state.

The afternoon was spent digging in the flower garden, trying to tame the weeds and runaway ground covers. How had I let everything gets so wild? My flower garden was as cluttered as my house and head. It was so satisfying and therapeutic digging and clearing space. It was time to become conscious and let the sun in.

Digging in the yard uncovered many things as I scooped up layer after layer of dead leaves and pulled away the Gout Weed. I had spent too much time feeling others’ pain. I had no time to feel my own.

Can you believe it? I’ve just knocked a glass of white wine, thank goodness it’s small, onto my Mac laptop. I watched motionless for a nano second before turning the laptop upside down. Meanwhile it shorted and I was unable to turn it off. I dried it off as well as I could. I closed the lid to put it into a bag of rice and it lit up. I was able to turn off then. I decided to leave it open, upside down to dry.

It is really the flux and flow. I’m more in flux right now. I’m flowing away on the wine. I am surprise I am not more upset. I could lose everything on my Mac as I did not back up anything. Oh well, I will have a clean slate. I can start over. I can be a born again.

In the meantime I am poking along on my PC. There is no hurry , is there? You will pardon me if I am a little lax on the tenses and grammar. I am sorry that I can’t show my peonies almost ready to bloom….maybe tomorrow I can take more pictures.

Tomorrow is another day in the flux and flow of life.

HAVE MOTTOS, WILL TRAVEL

Posted on June 26, 2014 by hafong

Today brings more grey and mist but the morning is lit up with my blooming irises. God always find a way to light up the world.

I don my pink power shoes and head out the door with my Sheba in tow. Waste not time in letting the grey seep into our souls. Have feet, will travel. Aren’t mottos great for pushing us forward into the great unknown?

My great unknown was alive this morning with traffic, noise and city workers. I heard City Hall got a bigger budget and they’re busy out spending it – improving the infrastructure. Road Blocked, Detour, Street cleaning and No Parking signs were everywhere. The neighbourhood hummed.

We saw City of Saskatoon cars driven by my guess, grey-haired retired seniors. They were probably the ones who put tickets on windshields of illegally parked cars. Where were you suppose to go when there is no driveway? Someone honked. I looked back to see who it was. Did we do anything wrong? A city worker in his green and yellow neon vest got out of a black Toyota truck. He was only getting a fellow worker’s attention.

We put a little more mustard into our feet. We trotted faster and got the hell off the streets, back into our safe haven. We checked to see how the vegetables were faring.

The raised beds are doing considerably better than our garden in the ground. The cucumbers and squash and tomatoes are still struggling even after an application of sheep manure. But the potatoes, beans, peas, onions, etc. are doing fine. I’m taking note for next year. It is all a process – try this, try that. It is worth it no matter what happens.

Have heart and you will harvest. Yet another motto from yours truly.

IDLE NO MORE TODAY

Posted on June 25, 2014 by hafong

Today we had no time for being maudlin, crying into our soup and feeling sorry for ourselves. There was things to do and a life to live. The day held promise of sunshine and blue skies.

I put on my own Wonder Woman footwear – pink and black runner shoes and head out of the door with Sheba. She is the perfect running partner. We give a new meaning to interval training, running a few steps and then stopping to sniff the grass or telephone pole. It is a glorious day with sunshine and a gentle breeze. We are in tune with the Universe once more.

We run, we sniff, we run some more. Soon we are home again. The kettle is on. The cup of tea is made. I sip and work on Jesus, one slow stitch at a time. Progress is made, like drops into a bucket from a dripping tap. I’m not in a hurry. I am spending quality time with my Jesus. Hallow be His name. Thy kingdom come.

Now I am in the eve of the day. The meal is done. The dishes are in the dishwasher. The baking is done. The bread and cinnamon buns are cooled and put away. Raindrops are falling again. I am sipping wine, feeling mellow and content.

It is a good day. I cannot ask for me.

NOT ALL DAYS ARE EQUAL

Posted on June 24, 2014 by hafong

Some days are hard. Life is hard. Sometimes it takes a week before I can take the towels out of the dryer. The words don’t come. When they do, they are dryer than dry.

The sun came out today. I thought that would make me happy but it only made my glumness take hold. It was thick. It made it difficult to keep my eyes opened. My legs felt like cement pillars. But I did try to run with Sheba this morning.

It was not a total success. No surprise there, right? I wondered at the perfectly manicured green lawns along our route. Where did people find the energy? Why did they care? They were beautiful, these lush, thick emerald carpets. Even in my state of mind, I appreciated them.

We entered the park. The heaviness eased its burden, for how can it not – amidst God’s green acres. The beauty was too great and it fled, its dark tail between cement legs. I was freed to enjoy God’s creations, if only for moments.

Wonder Woman. Art by Terry Dodson Wikipedia

No all days are equal. I know that for sure. Days like today will come again and I will weather it again. So the towels sit in the dryer for a few days. No harm done. My words will play hide and seek with me but they always come back. I need not be a hero and scale walls of tall buildings. I am only Wonder Woman and not Spider Man. I can use these boots and just walk around them. Life continues.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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