NO BRAIN SURGERY TODAY

Posted on May 23, 2018 by hafong

Wonder Woman

There’s anxiety and fear in going forward. But there is boredom and frustrations waking up to the same old, same old every day. So I ask myself, Are you a woman or a mouse? I choose the first. I don’t have to roar like Helen Redding. I don’t have to say anything at all but stand in my own two shoes, taking responsibility for my own words and actions. That’s all it takes.

Nevertheless I fuss and fret over what ifs and all the rest. I haven’t really totally accepted myself, the whole package of me. There will always be parts of myself, habits and all, that I will never get over. Understanding that helps. These are some of the things that I find difficult under the best of circumstances. Other people have other difficult things. Different strokes for different folks. Everyone have their forte.

The thing is I’ve never understood that my difficulties are not bad in themselves. They do not make me a bad person. It means I have struggles. I am being human. Now I can stop punishing myself and work towards how best to resolve them. Letting go of feelings are hard. Letting go of thinking tougher yet. History is the most difficult to let go of. To help me, I think of the time when a crow flew by Sheba’s nose. She reared up and charged. Well, I HAD to let go of the leash. I hate to think of the consequences if I hadn’t.

It’s another hot day. I’m sweating, drinking hot decaf. I must be trying to sweat out my toxic thoughts. I have many that are still ticking away in my lizard brain. I’m trying to chill a little, slowing it down. Sometimes it’s not easy. I have a frenzy inside of me. I’m pulled in all directions, not focused on anything. It’s best I come here to have a slow conversation with myself. Best not to do any brain surgery if there is no emergency.

It’s past Sheba’s supper time. She is quiet upstairs cooling herself on the bare floor. She has never been downstairs. There’s no way to coax her either. Maybe it is just as well. No need for her hair to be everywhere though they still float down.

NOW THE BREAD’S MADE, IT’S TIME TO HAVE SOME COOKIES

Posted on January 4, 2018 by hafong

Life never stops happening. I might as well keep my seat belt on. It’s a good thing, I suppose. I’ve been listening to Caroline Myss this morning on the importance of words. I’m watching my vocabulary – how I talk. I do anyways, especially here. I don’t like to talk about ‘problems’ or ‘trouble’, not without countering it with solutions and hope. I love Alice in Wonderland but I don’t want to fall down that rabbit hole without an escape route.

I’m darn tired now, spending the morning baking bread. Now, I’m sitting with my tea. Relief! I’ve just down two gingersnaps. Cookies help with everything. The furnace man has just left a little while ago. We have heat again. There are things we never learn to do even when we know better – like changing the furnace filter regularly. Why did we think our house was so clean with a dog that SHEDS. So we pay the price of a new motor for the fan. Good thing it’s warm today. -9 C instead of – 30+C of last week. Good thing we have another furnace for the downstairs, plus a fireplace. But it was still cool.

It made me think of how spoiled we are. We were cold with an inside room temperature of 60 degrees F. I can remember winters in China when I was a child. There was no heating, never mind central. We wore layers of clothes and then a jacket over top. That’s one reason I have a very big bad scar on my left arm. I had hot syrup spilled on it when I was little. I had so many layers of clothes on, it was difficult to extricate me from the hot sticky mess. Another reason was doctors were not a commonality. They were a last resort of which I did need and got. I am scarred but I’m here. Both my arms are functional. No mobility issues.

I have learned to mourn and let go my losses, but celebrate what I have. No use crying over spilt milk. So much wisdom in those old sayings, eh? My tea is done. I feel so much better. I think I will have another cup. My aches and pains are less today. My oven is on steam clean. I don’t want to leave the house yet. Sheba will have to wait for her walk. All in good time. Talking about which – making bread is about all I’ve got done today. Well, the dishes, pots, pans and all the other goodies, too. Now that I got the oven going, there’s those racks. No panic though. There’s time. Now there’s heat. Smile. One. Thing. At. A. Time.

But first another cup of tea.

WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW

Posted on October 27, 2017 by hafong

Bear with me. What I really want you to know is I hang on to stuff, afraid to let them go. What I’m afraid of is that if I let go of anything, life as I know it will be lost. Sometimes I’m afraid to breathe. What if I breathe wrong? Everything would go amok. So I hold it until I have to let go.

Last night after getting out of my bath, I was brushing my teeth, doing this and that. I saw on my vanity glasses filled with this and that. I saw one filled with various sizes of makeup brushes. Brushes years and years old. But they were still in good shape because I hardly used them. I thought: why do I still have them? Of what use are they? They are just collecting dust.

It took some moments before I could trash them. I could/might start using them again. What a waste throwing them out! Such thoughts passed through my head. Then sense prevailed. I haven’t used them for at least 15 years. Why would I now? Into the garbage they went, all 4 of them.

It was not painless. I felt uncomfortable, a sense of loss. As if a few makeup brushes could make or change life as I know it. I think that’s why we hang onto things/thoughts/habits. We are afraid that we/life will be less without them. We are not emptying/ridding what is passé to let in new life.

I will sit here for awhile with the discomfort. I am okay. It will pass. I will go on.

LAST NIGHT

Posted on August 8, 2017 by hafong

The morning is cool and overcast. Hard to get going. More so if I don’t make a start. So here goes. I’m tap, tapping on my keyboard, however I feel. As I tap, the sun came out, giving me a boost.

Last night I fell asleep with nature crackling thunderously overhead. Through the opened window, I saw lightning flashing in the dark. I felt surprisingly good surrounded by the furies of the Universe. I felt calmed by its energy. I heard its message. I’m doing the best I can – not to contribute to the destruction of our precious earth. I’m not feeling optimistic about our survival though. News of heat waves and fatalities in India and Europe, more turbulant air flights resulting in injuries and a summer of weird weather are convincing me of the truth. We are heading towards our last 10 years less a day.

I’m really a bit shocked at how calm and accepting of this truth I am. I am not at all frightened nor panicky. Perhaps I’m depressed but maybe not. The most amazing thing I’ve learned this year is when I let go of the fears – let all my shoes fall (or tossed into my garbage bin), there is no crash on the cement. I fall on a bed of feathers. I hear the wisdom of Professor McPherson’s advice.

“I think hope is a horrible idea. Hope is wishful thinking. Hope is a bad idea – let’s abandon that and get on with reality instead. Let’s get on with living instead of wishing for the future that never comes.

“I encourage people to pursue excellence, to pursue love, to pursue what they love to do. I don’t think these are crazy ideas, actually – and I also encourage people to remain calm because nothing is under control, certainly not under our control anyway.”

I could use a little more humour, too. Have you seen the move, Last Night? It’s an excellent Canadian black humour about a group of people facing the end of the world. Check it out.

RUMINATING – Day 96 in a year of…..

Posted on October 28, 2016 by hafong

Day 96, October 28, 2016 @7:33 pm

Our October days continue to be grey and dreary. But the solar panels are soldiering on, putting out some electricity. I harvested probably the last of the rapini for lunch. There is light and greenness amid all the gloom. You can surmise that I don’t do well under the circumstances. I might not be home free yet, but I think I’m past the most difficult stretch of days.

I’ve been ruminating about the past for the last few days, feeling regrets and sorrows about what could have been, if only I had. My head and heart really hurt from all that. And I have to let it all go. There’s no shame really. I am but human. We are built to wonder, doubt, regret and mourn for what we think we have erred and lost. It’s only right that I do acknowledge those feelings. But then to let them go.

In this year of trying to do different, I am keener of the tricks of life, of my and others foibles. I am trying to learn to be let go a little more, to be kinder to myself and others. I am trying to learn about forgiveness – what is it and is it possible. Difficult tasks but at least I have them in my awareness. I am not sleep walking through my journey.

LET BE -Day 26 in a year of …..

Posted on August 17, 2016 by hafong

Day 26, August 17, 2016 @2:42

For everything there is a beginning. But nothing happens until you start. Here I am, showing up. Do I have anything to say? What can I say about my intention of being – of not striving?

All my life I have strived to be better than what I am. I attribute my striving to feeling of lack in all aspects. That can happen when you are an immigrant and/or a child of immigrants. I was both having come to Canada from Hong Kong at 8 years old.

I strived to learn English, rid my accent, to catch up in school, to ‘fit’ in. I strived not to mind that I looked different – my hair is black, my eyes slanted, my nose small. I strived not to mind that we celebrate different things in different ways. I strived to be acceptable, to be the same as everyone. I failed, of course, but one never stops striving. There’s always something new to strive for.

My mission for today is to learn to stop. It is not easy but I can at least let go a little each day. There really is nothing to do and nowhere to go in this moment. There is no one to compare, to judge, to please except myself.

For everything there is also an ending. Can you let go a little? Try it. Till tomorrow.

FACING MY GREMLINS

Posted on February 2, 2015 by hafong

It’s a beautiful sunny day – calm and cool, but not too cool. I wish I was calm and cool but I am not. Those little gremlins are nibbling at my heels, disturbing my peace. Sheba is making her little whining noises at the same time. Comfort me! Feed me! I rub her ears and tell her it’s a bit early. I give in. Otherwise, I would have no peace.

Perhaps today is not a good day to declutter. But then, would there be such a day? I’ve been waiting for years now. It hasn’t shown up so I took a deep breath and started.

I’m a clutter bug, not a true blue hoarder. But then, maybe I am or could easily become one. I better get a move on! I am not plunging head long into the dig and clearing of stuff. I don’t have the energy or presence of mind so I am treading softly and carefully doing the easy stuff. I’m having a tough time parting with stuff, even the easy stuff. I haven’t practice sorting and detaching at all. It is really the ideas and memories they hold and not the things themselves.

The gremlins are getting more stimulated now. I feel their agitation in my head. I breathe in and out, seeing and feeling myself in the warm water of the swimming pool. My arms rise and fall with each stroke. I’m flipping my legs softly like a mermaid’s tail. I can do it! I gather the dried roses from the basket, breaking off the blooms from the stem. I will enjoy their colours for one more day. Tomorrow they will be recycled back into earth. No need to hang on and gather dust forever. There’s more waiting in the wings.

It’s tough letting go of forever. I’m feeling the gremlins and fear of letting go. After all, it is the goal of this blog – to dig deep through the fear and letting it go. Another deep breath and I’m down in the basement. I have dug through the basket of laundered clothes, untouched in at least 3 years. It feels as if a bogey man was hiding there, ready to pounce out at me.

No bogey man. I found only myself, the one who forgot to take care of herself for awhile – and some clothes I didn’t put away. They are in bags now, ready for donation to Value Village. Is it melodramatic to say that it was TOUGH and I feel a bit shaky? Well, it is and I am. It’s definitely time for another cup of tea and maybe a chocolate chip cookie or two.

TAKING OUT THE TRASH

Posted on May 30, 2013 by hafong

The prairie wind is blowing again. It blows and blows, the kind that makes you feel weary. It is the kind that gives me a headache and the shivers, as if someone is going to walk over my grave soon. So it feels so good to have a shower, washing off the layer of old sweat and grime. I am clean once more, unencumbered, naked and pure.

I take out a bag of trash…old underwear and an old hair dryer. The heat had somehow melted a hole on one side and I burnt a finger on the hot molten plastic. Until then I was still using it. How foolish I am to hang on to it when I have another one in better condition. I take that as a sign to let go of the broken, misshaped and the dysfunctional. But it is easier said than done. So I MUST be alert and pay attention to these things before they bite me in the ass.

My mother use to tell me so many things….things that nagged on her. She tells them to me because I’m her oldest and she needs to get things off her chest. And when I said to her that she shouldn’t talk so to me, she said who could she talk to if not her daughter. It was just garbage and for me not to mind and to throw them away. That, too, is easier said than done.

But she did listen to me when I told her it was making me sick. I am not getting so much now. Chinese people are proud and private. They do not like to air things in public. They have to save face. Something must have happened to me. I am not such a good Chinese. I am not saving face. I am a stranger in a strange land. I’ve discovered that I cannot go home again.

But I have found a new land of LOLL where each person takes care of their own trash. In this land of mine, there is no history, no accounting, no envy, no accumulation of trash….Each day starts anew. The sun still rises in the east and sets in the west. And all is as we make it to be.

THE SHORT OF IT…OR LETTING GO

Posted on October 25, 2012 by hafong

So I tend to hang on to things, like clutter…of all kinds. I have a difficult time of letting go. I’m like Sheba with a bone. It is said that it is really not about the stuff, but something else. So what is it, then? Do I know?

I find everything hard, even breathing nowadays. I have gained back the whole nine yards and probably more that I have lost when I first got Sheba. It is hard to maintain that pace, or so I like to tell myself. I guess you might say I’m a bit down in the dump with winter rearing its ugly head. The morning is dark, dark till 8 am. It is hard to drag my butt out of bed in a cheerful manner. But being an adult, I still TRY to do my best even though I do feel like crying.

My phone is ringing and I answer. I am hoping that someone is calling just to chat….you know…how it used to be, when people call up each other for a visit? But no, it is from someone who is doing research of some sort. I am honest. I don’t want to answer a bunch of questions for someone’s research project. You might say I am somewhat melancholy, but what the heck? Who needs to be brave and wear a cheerful front all the time? It is still October and there is snow on the ground and everything is messy!

But I am brave! I can still get out of bed in the morning, though not cheerfully. I am not hopping up and down with joy but I am still interested. I am still interested enough to get with the program, to get out of the house and face the world, to take care of business and to get my hair cut. It is such a relief to be shorn. It is symbolic action of some sort…. to rid myself of the excess, of the weight of unnecessary cargo. I am letting go.

I am letting go of many things…excess hair, the need to fix everything for everyone, the need of doing the proper thing all the time, the need to live up to my own expectations. I am letting go. I am free falling. I am creating my own serotonin. I am creating joy. I am also having a glass or two of wine.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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