The road to health is a tough one. I’m into my second week of scratchy throat turning into nasty coughing up my guts. How many mornings have I started out thinking, Oh, I think I’m getting better only to find myself feeling God awful in a couple of hours. I did the same this morning. I felt a DEFINITE change. I felt very hopeful. Everything was rattling loose. I have something to blow out of my nose. I only wheeze when I lay down. But sure enough, after breakfast and after doing 2 little paintings, I succumbed to the God awful state. I got out my dynamite tea, my own dug up and dried dandelion roots from last fall. They were the last of my supply.

No need to say that I am not at all cheerful lately. Was I ever? It’s a good time/or not a good time to trash myself. Do I need to wound myself further.? Of course not! I’m giving up wounding altogether. There’s enough pain in the world already. I need not add to it. I need to purge it all from myself since I can’t do anything about anybody else. Oh excuse me, I’m having another fit of coughing. I’m on my last Fisherman’s Lozenges. I had two bags but can’t find the other. Oh, well. I have to resort to the lemon drops. The only thing is they make my teeth feel funny after sucking on them. I have LOTS of them. Funny how that’s always the case.

Back to trashing myself now that I’ve brought it up. I’m thinking my negativity and other shortcomings must be the reason I’m down and still down for the count. It’s really tough for me to let go of anything, even coughing and feeling rotten. It’s not just the clutter I hang on to. There’s comfort in what you know versus what you don’t. I’m sick and tired of feeling sick, tired and hacking. I made the decision to purge that along with other rubbish.

A couple of years ago, Grace was the word I chose for the year. It evolved from a painting exercise I did. The exercise involved painting on the same canvas for 30 days. Though I didn’t quite make it to 30 days, it was pretty close. ‘Grace’ emerged on the canvas on day 22. She looked so happy and smiling. There was a sparkle in her eyes and her face glowed. That was it. She was finished. She hangs on the wall in my recently purged downstairs.

I was looking at her as I laid on the coolness of the leather couch one very hot afternoon. I went, Oh! I think I had painted myself. I am Grace – the desired self I want to be. I thought, In what way am I not that Grace? It’s something that needs more pondering on. I shall leave it on that note for now. It I deserve time to seriously consider why I’m so hard on myself. Maybe at the end of it, I can rid the length of my suffering whenever I get sick. Nurse, heal thyself.


GRACE – Day 148 in a year of…

Day 148 – December 20, 2016 @2:27 pm

I’m sitting here in gratitude for having the wisdom to embrace change. It took me long enough. It’s better late than never. It’s 5 months into the journey of doing a little different each day. I’m seeing the light of how big and momentous those little things are. They are magical and transforming, sending me down The Yellow Brick Road towards The Land of Oz.

graceThey led me toward discovering my abilities, skills and forgotten loves. They drew me to participate in the Judy Wise Challenge of painting on one canvas for 30 days. All roads do lead to Rome! After 2 weeks of doing so, I see alchemy at work.

I started out in the Garden of Eden with snakes and vipers, went through various storms and struggles. Today on day 15, Grace emerged. She is no longer the sinful Eve, fleeing from Eden. Eyes wide open, She recognizes her strength and worth. She is still growing.

What will tomorrow bring? I don’t know. It’s a mystery. A little tweak of a brush, a lighter shade of purple, a darker shade of brown…little changes. Profound results can happen.