Tag Archives: gratitude

WHEN I FEEL LEAST LIKE IT

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Warmer temperatures does not always guarantee well being and energy for me. After a day’s rest I wasn’t that keen to hit the ski trail again. I did anyways. It’s my exercise regime this winter. I have given up my aerobics class and swimming due to Covid. There’s no Sheba to walk any more. Now it’s 10-15 minutes of walking to and from the park and 20-30 minutes of skiing. It’s hard work moving my arms and legs as fast as I can on sticks. To motivate myself, I time each lap. Though I am no Speedy Gonzales, I am not slipping. My time gets better or stays the same. It’s usually better on the 2nd lap after I’ve warmed up. I’m also a little faster in the opposite direction when it’s a downward slope. Figures, eh? To compare, I did the first lap up slope for a time of 10:36:14 minutes. The second down slope was 9:45.38 minutes. I skipped the third lap. Tomorrow is another day.

My worse/groaner time is after I come back from skiing. I’m tired, hot and sweaty. Then there’s all those lunch dishes staring at me. I hate it when there’s pots included. Making soup is wonderfully easy with an Instant Pot. I threw everything in – the chicken broth I made yesterday, a leftover potato, some mashed potato, a couple sticks of chopped celery, part of a rutabago, and the last of the carrots from the garden. Put the lid on and press soup. Cleaning up was not so easy – all those containers that held the leftovers, the pot, bowls, plates and utensils. Then there’s the fridge. I could close my eyes but I’ve done that for a few days already. It was mostly empty, a good time to wipe off. Now all that is finally done. I’m sitting, sipping my last cup of tea for the day. It’s good to groan and sigh it out. To be repeated tomorrow.

Sometimes I feel that life is dang hard. But really, my life is a piece of cake. Feel good doctors say, Don’t watch the news at bedtime. I say the news last night -the storm in Texas, the Covid outbreak in Newfoundland, the vulnerable people during this pandemic, the crack down of protestors in Myanmar – made me feel so grateful. This morning I listened to Melissa Fung talk about the young girls that were abducted by Boko Haram in Nigeria. I have nothing to complain about, not even the bitter cold and Covid. I have food, warm shelter and safety. When I feel that life is hard, it would be good to remember last night’s news and be grateful for what I have. Even when I feel least like it, I just do it.

DAY 21 UBC – THE EVOLUTION OF THINGS

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The Evolution of Things

Here I am again, at the end of the day, trying to find a few words, thoughts worthy of a post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. There’s a few things I could talk about that could raise some controversy. They could generate interest, heat and possibly more traffic to this site. But that has never been my goal for writing. I don’t have a business, product or service to sell. I write for the beauty of the word. I write as a form of therapy. I write in the hope I can help another having similar experiences, interests and problems. So I won’t talk about the elections, Canadian or American. And I won’t talk about whether we should or shouldn’t celebrate Halloween.

I had a good start to the day, sleeping in to almost 8:45 am. My first reaction was, Oh God! I have to cancel my exercise class. Then I thought, How stupid. I don’t have to be there till 9:30. I even have time for breakfast. I was really glad that I showed up because exercise is the best medicine. It cleared my brain fog after retirement. A couple of weeks after I started the AM Energizer class at the YWCA, I felt so much better. I was so excited, I talked about it alot. I talked about it so much, the guy decided he wanted to go, too. I am sure it’s the reason why we are as healthy and active as we are.

It certainly helped resetting my mood and circadian rhythm. I am sure they are interrelated. I know I have my days, but overall I have a pretty grip on life. I am optimissic and happy even in this Covid time. That is not saying I haven’t had my difficult days – seeing my mother through her shingles and losing Sheba. They occurred during the pandemic but not because of it. I cannot really say I suffered. I was still able to move about freely. I was still able to take my mother to her medical appointments. I was still taking Sheba to the dog park and let her run. The pandemic made it a little harder going to the medical appointments. It made it not possible to be with her at the moment of Sheba’s passing. But the vetinary people were kind. They brought her out so that we could say goodbye.

Those two experiences were life changing and helpful for me. I would say that this pandemic is life changing and could be helpful for all of us. We have to be open to change. And when it is forced upon us, we should be grateful that there is in time for us to make the changes. We don’t have to cry and lament about what we have lost. We could look at what we could gain. I’m speaking from a very safe space. I am retired. I haven’t lost employment or income. I don’t have children or other dependents. I do feel very grateful and privileged. I am in this very moment very happy. It’s a light bulb moment for me.

THE QUIET AROUND ME

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Sometimes I get tripped up starting the day. The morning can be an obstacle course. I try not to get sidetrack too much, wasting time reading useless articles or things that I already know. How many versions of the same thing do I need? I try not to be obsessed about not being sidetracked. That can take the joy out me. I try to remember to do simple – just stop when I catch myself doing the repetitive and nonsensible. STOP.

Life is a little easier. The weather is a little warmer. My body is feeling more at ease. Sunshine is streaming through the windows. I’m tap, tapping on my keyboard, rearranging my thoughts, putting them in order, getting the kinks out. I’m calming my neurons. They misfire every which way. My keyboard is like a pacemaker, putting the impulses into rhythm. I can breathe again – in for 4 counts, hold for 7, out for 8. I do this four times.

The last few months or so have not been a good space for me. But there are some things that are working for me. It’s good to pay attention to the positive. For one thing, the pain in my hands and hips have been absent for over a year. Doing the work, paying attention to what I eat and exercising regularly have big dividends. It keeps my spirit afloat in the face of knowing that life is never easy. It goes on and I have to put one foot in front of the other.

I’m recognizing the value of my time and energy now. They are not endless as my years advance. Now when I catch myself doing things that don’t really matter, I stop. I redirect myself in another activity. I’m repeating myself but it’s something worth repeating. It’s a hard lesson for me. I waste and fret away my time and energy on things that can’t be changed or help me. For all the mornings sitting in meditation, it’s taken me a long time to get here.

I AM here, sitting in sunshine, in silence, listening to the rhythm of my breathing and the beating of my heart. I am alive. I am tapping out my inner conversation, the voice of all my cells. I should listen to them and the quiet around me.

SLIP SLIDING AWAY

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Nowadays I find myself asking the question of for what purpose to many things. The biggest being: For what purpose was I born? Then there are those endless smaller ones. Why am I doing anything? I feel as if I’ve lost purpose and heart.  I am Alice falling down the rabbit hole. And so now I am tapping out my anguish bland state of mind. If I don’t, would my mind have the energy to work up a frenzy?

There’s seems to be a purpose for words though, for the tapping of the keyboard. It feels much like a resuscitation of my will, my heart and mind. It is a mystery how it works. Perhaps there’s acupressure points on my fingertips. Whatever and however, I am grateful for a little revival of my spirit. I don’t quite have enough passion to work up a sweat yet. Who knows where the next tap will lead. The point is, I’m moving some body parts. Fingers count. Talking about fingers, I do have some good news. The pain is gone from my left hand. Hallelujah! I’ve had it since May – 10 months ago. It’s almost enough reason to feel joy.

Dang! February is hard. There’s more warnings for extreme cold temperatures for the next while. We did not really feel it today. It being so calm and sunny. Sheba and I went for our twice daily walks. She even hollowed out a nest in the snow and laid in it in the afternoon. Perhaps she thought she was an Eskimo.

It is another day, another cold one. It was -31 Celsius this morning. Driving across the bridge, I could not see far ahead, not beyond to the other side. The mist from the river and the exhaust from the cars occluded everything. I was thinking of the cold but not about minding it. Instead, I felt grateful that I’m not in other parts of the world that have floods, mud slides, volcanoes, earthquakes and the likes. What’s a little cold? I was sitting snug and warm in my car. I have warm clothes. I was not suffering at all.

The moment of gratitude changed my flat mood and attitude. My thoughts affect how I feel but I do have command of what I think. I can see the glass half full or I can see the glass half empty. I don’t have to think of or see the glass at all. I can just watch my thoughts in my mind like a ticker tape parade. I can watch and let them go, forming no opinions and attaching no emotions. It’s a breakthrough moment.

Breakthrough moments are catalysts for change. I shall not waste it. There are already many moments today when I feel myself slipping, sliding back into old habitual thoughts and feelings. I feel the familiar tugs but I am showing a backbone and resisting. I will not be slip sliding away. I will not be disappearing.

LIMPING TOWARDS BLISS

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I have to admit I am wilting in the heat of the weather and the stress of life. I pull no punches, pretending I live in La La Land. I have a pot of tumeric tea brewing, the fan oscillating in my writing space and counting my blessings. I’m grateful for seeing my mother this morning. She is feeling well and independent in her own home. She made soup for me. She also shared with me her gifted sticky rice. I am happy that she has such friends. They know she has limitations and is looking out for her. I have tears of happiness for her bounty of caring friends.

I wish the same for myself. I have alot to learn yet. I have not seen enough of the world or life. One thing I know for sure is, I can’t fight the heat. I can only limp along with however much strength it allows me. And it was tough last night. Sheba and I limped along well after the supper hour. It was very slow going in the heat and humidity of the evening. But we DID make it to the Dairy Queen. My furbaby behaved like a proper queen, behaving, not barking up a storm or jumping. We shared a hot fudge sundae, taking care she gets none of the chocolate. Next time I have to ask for an extra spoon for her. It was kind of messy using my finger.

What else can I say on another hot day in July? Life is not perfect. It is not a bowl of cherries. I have a fan. I have AC. I have Sheba. I have myself. My garden is doing fantastic. There’s a bird nesting in the grapevines. It’s still there. I’ve just scared it out of its nest with my curiosity. I still have all those bills yet to be paid. But I have a few days of grace yet. Oh yes. I like to attend Mass this afternoon. I hope I’m brave enough. It’s been a long while and it’s difficult to return. I feel like the prodigal daughter.

My path

To help me along, I could get dressed and be ready. If I make it or not, I have set out the intention. What I have learned is that there is no forcing. You can’t force yourself or anyone else in doing what is not felt right. I will just have to limp along towards the promised land. That is also progress.

NOW THE BREAD’S MADE, IT’S TIME TO HAVE SOME COOKIES

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Life never stops happening. I might as well keep my seat belt on. It’s a good thing, I suppose. I’ve been listening to Caroline Myss this morning on the importance of words. I’m watching my vocabulary – how I talk. I do anyways, especially here. I don’t like to talk about ‘problems’ or ‘trouble’, not without countering it with solutions and hope. I love Alice in Wonderland but I don’t want to fall down that rabbit hole without an escape route.

I’m darn tired now, spending the morning baking bread. Now, I’m sitting with my tea. Relief! I’ve just down two gingersnaps. Cookies help with everything. The furnace man has just left a little while ago. We have heat again. There are things we never learn to do even when we know better – like changing the furnace filter regularly. Why did we think our house was so clean with a dog that SHEDS. So we pay the price of a new motor for the fan. Good thing it’s warm today. -9 C instead of – 30+C of last week. Good thing we have another furnace for the downstairs, plus a fireplace. But it was still cool.

It made me think of how spoiled we are. We were cold with an inside room temperature of 60 degrees F. I can remember winters in China when I was a child. There was no heating, never mind central. We wore layers of clothes and then a jacket over top. That’s one reason I have a very big bad scar on my left arm. I had hot syrup spilled on it when I was little. I had so many layers of clothes on, it was difficult to extricate me from the hot sticky mess. Another reason was doctors were not a commonality. They were a last resort of which I did need and got.  I am scarred but I’m here. Both my arms are functional. No mobility issues.

I have learned to mourn and let go my losses, but celebrate what I have. No use crying over spilt milk. So much wisdom in those old sayings, eh? My tea is done. I feel so much better. I think I will have another cup. My aches and pains are less today. My oven is on steam clean. I don’t want to leave the house yet. Sheba will have to wait for her walk. All in good time. Talking about which – making bread is about all I’ve got done today. Well, the dishes, pots, pans and all the other goodies, too. Now that I got the oven going, there’s those racks. No panic though. There’s time. Now there’s heat. Smile. One. Thing. At. A. Time.

But first another cup of tea.

 

SHADOWS AND DEMONS – day 120 in a year of….

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Day 120 – November 22, 2016 @ 3:03pm

img_8472Day 120 in a year of doing different brought grey clouds and a spattering of snow. I baked through the valley of shadows to the other side.  Now I’m enjoying a cup of tea and a second slice of fresh baked bread, wishing I had some jam.  The only time I’m craving it is when I don’t have any.  Isn’t that the nature of things.

So here I sit, tap, tapping and pushing the shadows further back.  My magic bullet (Sheba) is beside me, squeaking her toy ferociously as if to chase out demons.  She is doing a wild dog war dance, barking and squeaking.  I had to reassure her that we were okay.  We were safe.  Could she please do a down?  She obliged prettily.

I rest into the peace and quiet, reflecting on this life of mine.  Into each of us some darkness must fall.  It is the darkness that leads me out to the light.  It is a guide, my North Star.  I sit in prayer, giving thanks for all that I have and all that I am.  Thank you, Lord, for your wisdom and guidance. Thank you for your compassion.  May you bless us with wisdom, understanding and compassion for each other and for our earth.  Amen.

SEASONS – Day38 in a year of ….

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Day 38, August 29, 2016 @6:39 pm

imageThe day finds me struggling a little with the changing season. The shift of the earth on its axis, changing the temperature, sunlight, the wind, the everything. Sometimes I forget that change is all around us, every minute, every second of every day.

I am just learning to embrace all these changes. Without them there is no life. I rejoice in the bounty autumn has brought. I am reaping the harvest from the seeding and planting of the previous seasons. I have much to be thankful for. What are you thankful for?

Till tomorrow.

A DAY IN MAY

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IMG_2655It’s a cool, grey morning in May.  No dancing sunlight nor shadows on the wall. It’s not my kind of day nor weather.  BUT I am learning to accept.  It is what is here.  It is what is.  I cannot change it.  What I can change is how I see and feel about it.  I do not have to hate and dread it.  It is just a grey cool day.  There is no need to pass judgement on it.  Let the day begin.

I’m having a little trouble finding the words these days.  They do not come readily to my fingertips.  I miss the rhythmic tap on the keyboard.  I miss seeing the letters and words march across the screen.  I miss the process of matching photos to the words and stories.  So now I’m sitting and trying to resuscitate and breathe a little life into these fingers.  No use in sitting and thinking.  Nothing happens unless I move a body part.  This much I know.

IMG_2650Funny how fast things can change and how easily you can lose your equilibrium.  And oh, how difficult it is to get it back!  The harder you try, the faster it slips away.  I am not discouraged.  I am just a little weary. How can I not be with a much spoiled dog trying to run me?  Yes, Sheba is still trying to rule the roost, whimpering through the night.  But we caught on to her tricks and how smart she can be.  She’s teaching me about boundaries and containment.  She is ousted from the bedroom at night.  There are rules and boundaries.  There are rewards for good behaviour.

On this 14th day in May, there is much to be grateful for.  The sun is coming out to lift the grey and warm the day.  Sheba is laying by my chair.  I am breathing out my words and feeling whole.  Everything is as it should be.

 

 

THANKFUL

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IMG_1761April has come and gone – almost in a blink of an eye.  Where has it gone?  I was not finished with Susannah Conway’s April Love.  Life gets in the way at the most inconvenient times, but hasn’t that always been the case?

But I am happy to see May.  It’s a new month, a new beginning.  April love brings May flowers.  It brings new hope, renewed strength, earned wisdom.  Love is a safety net for all that comes our way.  So let them come, whatever may. we are ready for the friendships, goodwill, and love.  They are all welcomed.

Life is also filled with shadows.  They follow the sun through the windows.  They dance on my walls.  They are welcomed, too.  Without them, there will be no dance show for me to watch.  They have something to say to me and it’s good to listen.  They are welcomed.  I am the gatekeeper.  I decide how far they are allowed in.

April Love is gone, but here comes May Hope.  I am thankful for this morning.  I am thankful for this day.  I am thankful I have found some words.  I am thankful I can breathe again.  I am thankful for this life.  I am thankful for God’s strength.