I have somehow lost my mojo for words. Imagine that! It’s been that kind of summer. It’s a marker, that’s for damn sure. Life will never be the same again. Can’t you feel it? It’s a roller coaster weather wise, too. If this doesn’t convince you we have climate change, nothing will. It has been a scorcher the last few days. PLUS we’re enveloped in smoke from forest fires on the west coast.
When I see my world enveloped in smokey haze for days, I have this feeling we are coming to our end faster than predicted. The world seemed to be on fire, literally. Then there’s the figuratively. There’s no good news. Bombings, shootings and more shootings. I do not have a positive slant on life right now.
I have lost my mojos for everything. Maybe it’s the heat. It’s taken the energy out of me. I say tomorrow I will do this and that. Tomorrow does come. It becomes today. And I say the same thing. Maybe tomorrow. What a sad sack I’ve become! Well, life hasn’t been easy. I’m not one to suffer in silence. I’m not blaming anyone or anything. Just saying as they say. I am sure that I am not alone in the difficulties of living. At least I shoot off my mouth instead of a gun.
I should call it a day and go to bed but I have this restlessness inside. How could one be at ease these days? I find it distressing having to draw the blinds to keep the heat out day after day. I feel as if I am in hiding from some unknown enemy. The forecast for the next few days is cooler temperatures. I can open the blinds at least. And maybe the windows if the smoke dissipates. There’s always hope. That’s what they say.
I had a good sleep last night, thanks to the beer I had in the afternoon. I was so wired from sleeplessness I didn’t feel the beer at all. It must have done something, loosened me from the inside out. At 10 pm I laid down in bed and went to sleep. That was it. No big dramas. Maybe I could make beer my sleeping pill of choice from now on. I remembered a coworker telling me she has a beer in the morning after working a night shift. Then she slept like a lamb.
Sleep deprivation is the worse thing ever. To think that I lived like that for over 30 years. I didn’t know how bad I felt till after I’ve retired and caught up on sleep. I still have those nights of sleeplessness once in awhile as I am telling you. That’s how I know how disfunctional I was in my personal life. I’m still learning from it all.
I kind of tanked out yesterday. It takes awhile to recover. From previous research, I remember that it would take me 7 years to recover from 30+ years of shiftwork sleep deprivation. I’ve been retired for 5 years. Haven’t fully recouped and have added to my deficit by my bouts of sleeplessness.
I’ve been a no show for a few more days. Looks like I can’t easily recoup what sleep I’ve lost. I have to let it go and pick up the threads of daily life from here. It’s a sizzling hot one today. My body does not like what it brings. I felt it screaming even in the coolness of this morning. I took a tylenol to give it some relief. My goals are minimal. No pain or strain. Relax. Just keep cool. If only I can remember that for always. Sometimes I strive and strain too much for too much. I always suffer the consequences.
It is now 34 degrees Celius, 36 on the deck. The blooms on my newly bought Gerbera Daisy plant are suffering and drooping out there on the table. One is bent beyond rescue. It is now in a little vase. It’s quite fetching on its own.
The heat has drained all thoughts from my head. We’ve been out picking raspberries, Sheba and I. She is getting lazy. She used to pick her own on the lower branches. Now she waits for me to feed them to her. It was good picking. They’ll be good with the gelato later on. Now it’s time to sit back with a chilled beer. It’ll cool me from the inside out.
I have to admit I am wilting in the heat of the weather and the stress of life. I pull no punches, pretending I live in La La Land. I have a pot of tumeric tea brewing, the fan oscillating in my writing space and counting my blessings. I’m grateful for seeing my mother this morning. She is feeling well and independent in her own home. She made soup for me. She also shared with me her gifted sticky rice. I am happy that she has such friends. They know she has limitations and is looking out for her. I have tears of happiness for her bounty of caring friends.
I wish the same for myself. I have alot to learn yet. I have not seen enough of the world or life. One thing I know for sure is, I can’t fight the heat. I can only limp along with however much strength it allows me. And it was tough last night. Sheba and I limped along well after the supper hour. It was very slow going in the heat and humidity of the evening. But we DID make it to the Dairy Queen. My furbaby behaved like a proper queen, behaving, not barking up a storm or jumping. We shared a hot fudge sundae, taking care she gets none of the chocolate. Next time I have to ask for an extra spoon for her. It was kind of messy using my finger.
What else can I say on another hot day in July? Life is not perfect. It is not a bowl of cherries. I have a fan. I have AC. I have Sheba. I have myself. My garden is doing fantastic. There’s a bird nesting in the grapevines. It’s still there. I’ve just scared it out of its nest with my curiosity. I still have all those bills yet to be paid. But I have a few days of grace yet. Oh yes. I like to attend Mass this afternoon. I hope I’m brave enough. It’s been a long while and it’s difficult to return. I feel like the prodigal daughter.
To help me along, I could get dressed and be ready. If I make it or not, I have set out the intention. What I have learned is that there is no forcing. You can’t force yourself or anyone else in doing what is not felt right. I will just have to limp along towards the promised land. That is also progress.
The heat is on. My blood sugar is dropping. The dog is on my heels. I’m grouchy as a bear. I’m sitting here with my yogurt and coffee, tapping out a few words and hopefully my bad mood. At least I’m not full of dreads. I swept those out with Sheba’s hair this morning. Now, my hands are a little trembly with the exertion. I feel a bit distraught. I feel like screaming. A few more spoonfuls of yogurt will give my sugar a boost and hopefully quiet the screams. How does low blood sugar and the heat affect you?
I better take it easy. It is still morning. I do not feel/do well in heat. But I guess I can learn how to function better with it. First thing to do is accept and stop thinking I have to DO. Maybe I can just hunker down like Snoopy and let the rest of the world go by. What is wrong with that, heh? I don’t have to measure up. I just have to suck it up, buttercup. Some days are like that. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and hope I won’t trip.
It’s another hot day. For now I can still sit here on the deck. I am trying to tap out a few letters, words, a thought or two. They do not come easy, but I try anyways. That is how it is. Life is hard. I have never expected it to be anything else. So you put one foot in front of the other and take a step. You do that over and over. You end up with a journey that is your life. I am doing likewise with my writing – one tap, another tap, and so on.
Meanwhile inside the house, my Roomba is whirling around the dining room and the kitchen, cleaning the floor – making life a little easier for me. I accept help wherever I can. It is called wisdom. It’s taken me this long for me to accept that I do not have to do everything myself. I am not Wonder Woman but a woman in wonder awe – of what life, the world and I can be. There is magic and wonder in the trying, the struggle of each step and tap. The tap of the keyboard is grounding. I see with more clarity with each letter, word and thought that come. I am doing an archeologic dig of that it means to be alive.
The heat is rising. Our forests are still burning. It is difficult to believe that everything is as it should be. It is hard to be at ease and not to be with fears when so much is wrong in the world. But it is what is before me today. I accept what is. I cannot change it. Instead, I focus on what makes me feel good – the open spaces, the roses along the roads, campfires, the dog and the man. I can choose where my mind goes.
The sun has disappeared. The sky is grey. The world feels eery and ominous but it is cooler. Rain would be very welcomed but the air feels dry and empty. The forecast is for a dry, dry summer. The forest fires will burn till winter. The hope is for them to be controlled. Hope is where I choose to reside. It is where everything is possible.
I inhale and exhale, releasing stress and taking in chi. I take comfort from Sheba at my feet and the petunias nodding in the breeze.