SHEBA, THE HUMAN CANINE

Posted on November 18, 2017 by hafong

Sheba is not a fool proof dog. She has failed as an alarm on a few occasions, like this morning. She has an annoying habit of waking us up anytime around 6. She would nuzzle with her wet nose me, then him. If that doesn’t work, she would bark and bark till we can’t stand it anymore. I never worry about sleeping in. This morning our alarm didn’t go off till 7:30.

It’s not that we have a job to go to. It’s Saturday. I go swimming Saturday mornings when I can look forward to having a lane to myself at the pool. Imagine my surprise when I saw that it was 7:30. I suppose I could still get to there for 8. It’s a bit harsh to jump out of bed, get dressed, pack my stuff and dash to the car. So I fed the beast and put the kettle on. In the back of my mind I probably had a secret wish of sleeping in. Saturdays I am always torn between the love of the swim and nesting at home. The latter won today. I shelved the guilt and decided to enjoy.

The other time that Sheba flunked her dog alarm duty was this summer. We/our block had a break in. Our garages in the backyard were broken into. The doors were jimmied. The thieves made off with stuff. They even took a bike under the deck which was by our bedroom. The window was opened. Sheba never made a move or whimper. We were quite ignorant till after breakfast when the guy was taking Sheba for her walk. The garage door was wide open. Quite a few things were missing including his cordless drill which he had just purchased to replace the one stolen in his truck.

So nothing is fool proof including a dog who can hear me peeling a banana in a different room. She can see out the back of her head. She sees things happening in the front street when she’s in the back. Yet 2-3 thieves can sneak off with a recumbent tricycle right under her nose. I guess dogs do sleep in and sleep on the job.

I swear sometimes she is more human than canine. Did I tell you about the time she was wracked with anxiety? It was the most awful time. It started slowly. The first time she was humping her pillow. Suddenly she stopped and came running, squealing to me. She was like a child. Then it escalated from occasional bouts to all the time. She wouldn’t eat unless someone was sitting with her by her food bowl. Even then she was checking over her shoulders. She stopped playing with her toys. Then she wouldn’t sleep. She would be standing by our bed in the dark, panting. I tried sleeping with her on the floor but that didn’t work well either. It was time to see the vet.

She checked out physically. Then it was behavioral modification. We kicked her out of the bedroom. We listened to her whine through the closed door. I noticed that she had a lot of dandruff and was shedding a lot. I googled and googled. I started to give her Jamieson Wild Salmon and Fish Omega-3, 1000 mg./day. It took awhile for the dandruff and shedding to improve. Her anxiety was to the point of me ready to medicate her. She must have sensed it. She started sleeping at night. I held my breath. Things improved gradually. She started eating by herself and playing with her toys again. Now, she’s completely her old happy self.

NO MORE FLOUNDERING

Posted on October 14, 2017 by hafong

I always look forward to my Saturday morning swim no matter the weather. It was a chilly -8 Celsius at 7 am. The petunias are maybe blooming their last hurrah. They have done well, cheering and showering me with their brightness into October. They have earned their rest.

As always, it is relaxing and restful to glide into the pool and let the warmth of the water wash over me. More so when I have the luxury of a lane to myself. I can just swim back and forth at my own pace. I don’t have to worry about anyone grabbing my toes because I am too slow.

I went into the fast lane as it was the only one empty. It was on the opposite side of where I am used to – the slow lane. There is always something different for me to work up to. Even the flow of the water felt different. It was all good though. I practiced at accepting and working with all these ‘differences’. I tried not to worry about a fast swimmer arriving and kicking me out of the lane. When I worry and panick, I flouder. I would get water up my nose. Then I would be coughing and struggling more.

Today, I worked at not panicking and floundering. Ok, I tell myself. I have a right to be here. I stilled my thoughts. I stopped thrashing around. I slowed my kick and swam steadily up and down the lance. No one booted me out of the lane.

MAKING TIME – Day 39 in a year of…

Posted on August 30, 2016 by hafong

Day 39, August 30, 2016 @8:05pm

Some days it is hard to find time to be here and document my year of doing different. I’m making that time because I see the value of it as my days are evolving.

I have been neglecting both my qui gong and yoga practice. I’ve been feeling a little off kilter the last few days. I’m feeling some of the old anxiety creeping in. I decided to restart those ancient movements again to restore my balance. It’s always a curiosity to me how the gentle movements can do so much. But I did remind myself that it will take more than one session before I can feel the results. I did not get unbalanced overnight. I will not recover overnight. Life takes time. What are you taking time for?

Till tomorrow.

APRIL’S FOOL

Posted on April 1, 2015 by hafong

It is April 1, a grey, dismal and depressing day. I’m not the first to say it. Someone beat me to it on Facebook. I hate to be the first to rain on the parade but today would be the kind of day that I could easily cave into my ‘the heck with its’.

I could have easily eaten a platter of fried eggs on toast. It would have been so comforting. It would have eased that generalized sense of discomfort, grumpiness arising from the pit of stomach – that sense of restlessness, dissatisfaction. But I stuck with my one egg on one toast, topped with a fried sliced tomato. It looked lonely on my plate. It sufficed my hunger if not my disposition.

My morning view – promise of summer ahead. #aprillove2015

How does one move on with the day when clouds hang really and metaphorically over one’s head? It’s good thing I had already signed up for a few challenges though today is the least likely time for them. At least I don’t have to rack my brain for ideas and inspirations. Now is not the time for brainstorming or brain surgery. Following through is much easier. It does not take much thinking or skill to aim the iPhone camera out of window and post the photo. This is for Susannah Conway’s April love photo challenge. It’s simple and quick, giving me a sense of accomplishment.

As you might know my dog, Sheba has been experiencing periods of anxiety. I have not been resting well at night with her restlessness. I am tired and cranky even in the morning with no energy for useful purposes. My yoga and meditation routines relaxed and mellowed me so I could take her out for her walk. Yes, there’s no rest for us mothers, even if our baby is a furry one.

The good thing about these kind of days is that the day seem to stretch forever. I have time on my hands to do whatever. Perhaps it is not the best time to cut my hair but I took a chance. Hair grows. I hate going to the hairdresser. I am happy with the result. It doesn’t look like a hatchet job, does it? I guess I could have smiled but smiling takes energy.

I am happy with how I’ve dealt with my day. I’m down to my final challenge – writing my post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It is hard but first one word, then another. Then it’s one sentence followed by another. That is how life is, etc. etc.

I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE GARDEN

Posted on March 30, 2015 by hafong

Just when I think I have a handle on things, dare to relax and let go, life – that perennial jokester, shows herself again. I shake my head. What makes me think that there is smooth sailing into the sunset from now till eternity? It’s an illusion, happening only in movies. I know that, but still I hold onto that dream of Utopia. I am a little blue and sleep deprived. Sheba has had a little relapse with her anxiety yesterday.

We were too happy too soon with her recovery the other day. I thought it was behind us. But nothing is ever that easy. ~~We all~~ I know all that. How many times have I been sure that I will never be afraid again and I will never feel depressed again? And time after time I have been wrong. It is the cycle of everything. What goes up, must come down. There’s the good times. There’s the hard times. Otherwise life would be stagnant. The Universe would be a huge yawn. Do I really want a Utopia?

So Sheba is going through a rough period again. I take a deep breath. What do you do when your child is afraid? You can’t abandon her or tell her to snap out of it. You hold and love her. And so we put on her Thunder Shirt. It helps with the shaking. We stand over her while she eats. She looks over her shoulder with every bite, checking for the bogeyman. We can’t see or hear him but then we don’t have her senses.

Just when she is able to settle for the night on her mat at the foot of the bed, she is jolted upright by some energy. I don’t know if my imagination was at work or not, but I could feel ‘it’ at the same time – not the same intensity as Sheba but I sensed it all the same. There was no calming her. She would not lay down and she cried softly. How can you go to sleep when your baby is crying.

In the end, I took her out to the living room and we laid down on her big fluffy pillow. It was not big enough for both of us but I made do with three cushions and a couple of blankets. She relaxed and went to sleep. I was able to wiggle myself free and laid on the sofa within her sight. She was happy with that and stayed on her pillow. Surprisingly, I had a restful though short sleep.

Today, she is better though we still did the Thunder Shirt in the afternoon. We still stand guard when she is eating but she is restful tonight, going off to bed by herself. Yoga is good for both of us. She likes my mat. Hope it lasts but no one ever promised me a rose garden for ever and ever.

WRITING, PERSISTENCE AND THE GRIND OF EVERY DAY

Posted on March 14, 2015 by hafong

Another day begins, cloudy and overcast, but it is 4 degrees C. Be grateful, be happy and count your blessings. I am! I am and I will!

Spring is around the corner. The snow is melting. The slush and puddles are less and less. My amaryllis is showing its lush red promise. Sheba is over her anxiety funk. She can eat and piddle without someone standing guard. She sleeps in her usual limp and boneless mode. She is her bright-eyed, bushy-tailed self again. How wonderful it is! I can let go of my fears, too. There’s no boogeymen, witches, spells or hexes. We will go boldly forward. March!

Some days are harder than others but you just suck it up, get up, dress up and show up regardless. Some days are real grinds. You put one foot in front of the other and shuffle forward if that is all you can do. Sometimes I am surprised by how far I have travelled with my heavy footed shuffle. I’m reminded of my mother’s words again. Don’t put hard in your vocabulary. Be patient. A drop at a time may be slow and small but they will eventually fill a bucket.

My bucket is not full yet. But it has results – enough to spur me onward. On days when the drudgery is heavy on my shoulders, I look at those drops, those little igniters of hope. I take one step, then another. I put a letter, then a word onto my blank page. And so it goes.

When I least expect it, I feel a shift within me – fear leaving my body. I am relaxed and gliding through the waters. I am moving forward in life. And I go ahhh! So this is how it is. I am grateful and buoyed by the moment. I store the memory drop in my bucket for prosperity.

SO MUCH FEAR

Posted on March 2, 2015 by hafong

Yesterday I found Sheba with her hind quarters vibrating in the sun room. I thought we were done with all that. But apparently NOT. Nothing to do but hug her and give her a treat. She’s just had a checkup a couple of weeks ago and passed all the tests – heart, lungs and bloodwork. Her cholesterol was a bit high but then it wasn’t done on fasting blood. She’s a few pounds overweight, but who isn’t?

Happily this time it was was just a small episode. There was no running away, crying in fright. She settled and ate her supper without coaxing or me having to stand on guard by her. Progress in slow motion. Two steps forward and only one step back. We soldiered on – life in small increments.

Today she is her saucy self again, bouncing and strutting to her own rhythm. Maybe she, too, is feeling the flow and ebb of the Universe, fielding the blows and strutting in the glories. I take heart in her resilience, thinking I need to strut in her wake. There’s so much fear in the world but there’s that much more joy and glory. I have to believe and trust in my own strength.

Fine, powdery snow is blowing. The wind has picked up. The light is pale and cold but I’m remembering the brilliance of yesterday’s sun. I can still feel the healing power of its warmth as it smiled and embraced me. Ahh! I think it heard me just now. It’s smiling and trying to make a stronger showing. I am soothed and smoothed.

All of life is a circle. What goes around comes around. What goes up, must come down. That’s all I know. I don’t understand sometimes but I’m all right with that. In the words of Harry Chapin:

“All my life’s a circle, sunrise and sundown
The moon rolls through the nighttime, till the daybreak comes around
All my life’s a circle but I can’t tell you why
The season’s spinnin’ round again the years keep rollin’ by

It seems like I’ve been here before, I can’t remember when
But I got this funny feelin’ that I’ll be back once again
There’s no straight lines make up my life and all my roads have bends
There’s no clear-cut beginnings and so far no dead-ends”

So I lift myself up, square my shoulders back, quell my fears and reach for the stars. I will not be drowned by fears.

LIVING THE WHOLE DANG CATASTROPHE

Posted on January 22, 2015 by hafong

There is always something to be grateful for – even in anxiety and sleepless nights. You suffer in both, sometimes unbearably. Never a stoic, someone who can keep a stiff upper lip, I seek for relief relentlessly. It is no surprise that I have a whole library of self-help books. By now, I could write my own. I should start making notes. What I know for sure is, there is no permanent fix. But you can learn from each episode and make it easier for your next time. It’s still about doing your best and then letting go. Perhaps, you might find me too direct, up front and revealing. But what/who does that hurt – admitting that I am human and flawed? I am with you all in the ~~milieu~~ catastrophe of life.

In the middle of a sleepless angst, I rose from my bed one night and migrated to the kitchen. I made a cup of ginger tea and cuddled up under my Hudson’s Bay blanket with an old friend – Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living. I’ve read it a time or two and have practiced some of the exercises in it. You know how we human beings are. When the going gets tough, we are so serious and dedicated. Once the crisis is over, we stray and then abandon the practice altogether – till the next time.

This is my next time. I’m doing the practice again – of sitting and watching my breath for 15 minutes. The first time was not too bad, being the first. I was full of resolve. I can do anything in that state. I felt some discomfort the 2nd time. My thoughts strayed. I wanted to water the plants. I wanted to make soup. I wanted to get out of my skin! I breathed and felt the rise and fall of my belly. The 15 minutes passed.

Today is my 3rd day. The 15 minutes are easier. The mind wanders. I accept it. It is what it is. I have 4 more days to complete the week. Then it is 7 more weeks, working up to 45 minutes of formal meditation, of watching my breath. Can I do it? Yes! Yes! Yes! It is worth the effort to come out from under the thumb of my misfiring mind. If I don’t try, it won’t happen. I can always do my best, whatever it is on any given day.

Miraculously I am myself again. It is as if someone has put the patches on my chest and defibrillated me. I am at ease. It is as if it never happened. It’s like a bad dream, a nightmare. I shake my head and wonder what the hell had happened. It matters not. I pick myself up, dust myself off and truck on down the road. Life goes on. So do I – not quite an EverReady battery.

MOTHERS, GIRLFRIENDS, THERAPISTS

Posted on January 15, 2015 by hafong

There’s reasons why I don’t make New Year’s resolutions any more. I’ve felt the allure of new beginnings and a new year. It’s easy to be pumped with the spirits of the Christmas and end of year celebrations. I feel I could conquer the world but experience has taught me a thing or two.

It’s easy to make resolutions, those promises to do better in the glow of the holiday season. But come the cold dark days of January, your resolve melts, exhaustion and sometimes depression take over. You have to rally all your resources just to get out of bed on some days. What I don’t need is the pressure of those New Year’s Resolutions looming over me.

What I do is I still get up, dress up and show up for my life. I try to do the best I can. On cloudy days when I am filled with anxiety, I do slow laps in the warm water of the pool. I concentrate on my breathing, blowing bubbles out my nose and mouth as slow as I can. I keep my body in alignment. I don’t try for 2 more laps when my legs are heavy like lead and I am sinking. It’s okay to sit in the whirlpool and let the jets smash away my tight spots.

On days like these, it’s helpful to have a therapist smash your tight spots that the whirlpool jets can’t get at. Good friends are equally if not more beneficial. They can reach those tight spots unreachable by jets or therapists. There’s nothing like girlfriends except maybe your mother’s chicken soup to make you feel valued and loved. Treasure your mother and girlfriends. They will always be there for you if they can and even when they can’t.

IS IT TRUE?

Posted on July 22, 2014 by hafong

Yesterday, I discovered exercise was the best medicine for my nervous jumping heart. I was grateful for the loud music next door that pushed me onto my bike. It was nice my SO (Significant Other) accompanied me. We headed off to the library.

I kept my nervousness to myself. No point voicing it, giving it strength. I inhaled and exhaled. I pedalled, pumping my legs up and down. I saw them as pistons firing smoothly, moving the blood through my heart chambers, then out to the rest of my body. I was safe.

We are at the library. I find 2 books by my favourite kick-ass author, Janet Evanovich, Notorious Nineteen and Smokin’ Seventeen. The titles alone give off more energy than spinach. Look out, Popeye! Wait, I’m not done yet. Here is Olivia Chow’s memoir, My Journey waiting for me. I hope she will win the mayorship of Toronto. That Rob Ford need to be ousted. You must know who he is. He has been talked about on all the late shows in the U.S.A. – Kimmel, Letterman, Jon Stewart….

I found Amy Tan’s The Valley of Amazement in the next aisle. I discovered her through the movie, The Joy Luck Club. Reading her memoir, The Opposite of Fate, was like finding myself. I recognized myself in her, my mother in her mother Daisy. The lives of Chinese immigrants in America had the same familiar ringtone – even Olivia Chow’s. I felt that Amy and Olivia were like my sisters.

I found one more book I could not resist – Byron Katie’s I Need Your Love – Is That True? I know, I know. I wasn’t going to read any more self-help books for awhile but who could resist a topic like love. And she asked a good question, Is it true?

photo curtesy of Rod McLaren

Now I am done. We load my treasures in my SO’s cargo bike and head for home. I am relaxed, breathing in and out, pedalling easy and steady, not rushing, not worrying, not anxious. My heart is in its place. It’s pumping rhythmically in even strokes. It’s singing that everything is fine. And it is true.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: anxiety