This is the best part of my day, sitting in my space, tap, tapping out my words for #April Love and #April Moon. The letters and words fall from my fingertips. I inhale and exhale, one breath after another – like the words across my screen. My body feels the relief, the shedding of tightly coiled emotions and tension. I am saved for another day.
I am a very obsessive person. This, I now know. It has not been very healthy for me. My obsessiveness have spiralled me into a vortex of anxieties and other related health issues. So my current obsession is not to be obsessive (laughing out loud not so loudly). I’m trying to remain soft and pliable and bend like the graceful willow. I do not need to be the mighty oak.
How do I un-adrenaline myself? How do I remain soft around the knees as they say in yoga? Having this space here to tap, tap out my angst is wonderful. To move my fingers across the keyboard is restful and reassuring. I am encapsulated in the quiet and stillness of the Universe, letting go of everything except this moment.
Morning, my favourite time of day. Saturday, my favourite day of the week. I’m sitting here this sunny Saturday morning in April, tapping out my words. I’m tapping from this newly uncovered flexible spot. I’m tapping in ease for Susannah Conway’s #Aprillove2015’s prompt: Five years ago. I’m tapping for Kat McNally’s #AprilMoon prompt on sources of inspiration.
#Aprillove’s prompt is: Five years ago. Five years ago, after being in a relationship with I, me and myself for many years, the three of us took a chance and became a WE with someone from the distant past. I remembered that moment vividly. My phone was ringing as I unlocked the back door.
Sheba lunged in, pulling me with her. We skidded to a stop in front of the phone. The call display said: Sasktel Pay Phone. My curiosity pushed me to pick it up. “Lily, this is the voice from your past”. An unfamiliar voice said. “I don’t know who you are. Who the hell are you?” I queried. The rest is history as they say.
Being WE has been a challenging journey but I have no regrets. Challenges has always been one of my greatest sources of inspiration. They have taken me down untravelled roads. I have taken many wrong turns and been lost many times but I always find myself again. I consciously choose The Road Not Taken. I don’t like regrets of I should-haves.
Had I not taken the chance of reconnecting with the past, I would not have experienced Ghana (where he was living at the time), the country, its people and culture. Some people thought I was brave, but I had no doubts. I felt it was meant to be. I’m a believer in synchronicity. Somehow the heart knows.
That was five years ago. We’re still together- now in Canada. It is still challenging. Our relationship is very complicated as they would say in Facebook. But we talk a lot to each other and watch each other’s back. Is that love? #April Love and #April Moon.
From where I stand today, I see that I still want perfection. I still long to be better and more – than what, I do not know. Even though I was born in China and have stood at the center of the world at Cape Three Points, Ghana, I still feel I’ve been nowhere. The lack I feel is endless. I recognize that. I accept them. They are just feelings. They are not me. I am whole as is. I am where I’m suppose to be. Here. Now.
I know that now. Had I recognize that years ago, what would I tell my younger self? I don’t know and if I did, would I believe myself? So from where I am standing or sitting today, it is best to get up and get on with life. If I had known better, I know I would have done better. If I could, I would, wouldn’t you?
What nourishes me? What is my favourite colour/flower? These are some of the questions about myself that I have not given much thought to – until recently. I haven’t given myself much consideration. I really don’t know myself and I haven’t taken good care of myself. Thanks to Susannah Conway’s April Love Challenge for bringing me that awareness.
It is time to look within myself, time to get acquainted with me, I and myself. April is the beginning of spring and new growth. It is a good time to cuddle up with my fur baby, quiet the mind and still body. We can just be in the empty space created. The world is too loud. How can we hear ourselves? How can we recognize what nourishes us in the noisy din? It is the spaces in between that defines shapes. It is the rest between notes that create music. Perhaps in this quiet and stillness, I will recognize what fills me. This is enough now. Everything is as it should be.
Here I am, feeling challenged amidst my challenges. Have I bitten off more than I can chew? They are not ‘musts’, life or death situations. They are challenges I have signed up to give me goals, inspirations and structure for my posts and writing. If I leave it to time or inclination, you know what will happen – nothing. And so, I have signed up for #aprillove with Susannah Conway, April Moon with Kat McNally, and Ultimate Blog Challenge .
I am really loving the prompts and loving coming from these sources. Keeping up is not easy, but it is not hard either if I don’t let my thoughts intrude and if I stop thinking in scarcity of time. They rob me of creativity and mire me in STUCK. I am not behind. I am forging ahead the best I can. I have to embrace the good and bad, the yin and the yang. I love the day and the night. What am I but one dimensional without my shadow? It will be good if I can accept and embrace my dark side. I am me, myself and I. Wherever I go, they and my shadow also go.
Cia, goodbye past, I am writing the next chapter, a new story of my life. You no longer work. And now I am free of fear of uncertainty, of the dark, of the shadows within myself. I can breathe now and let me, myself and I out completely. I am singing in the rain, dancing in sunshine. Oh let those clouds come by. I am not afraid. I am kissed by sunshine, held in shadow.
It is April 1, a grey, dismal and depressing day. I’m not the first to say it. Someone beat me to it on Facebook. I hate to be the first to rain on the parade but today would be the kind of day that I could easily cave into my ‘the heck with its’.
I could have easily eaten a platter of fried eggs on toast. It would have been so comforting. It would have eased that generalized sense of discomfort, grumpiness arising from the pit of stomach – that sense of restlessness, dissatisfaction. But I stuck with my one egg on one toast, topped with a fried sliced tomato. It looked lonely on my plate. It sufficed my hunger if not my disposition.
How does one move on with the day when clouds hang really and metaphorically over one’s head? It’s good thing I had already signed up for a few challenges though today is the least likely time for them. At least I don’t have to rack my brain for ideas and inspirations. Now is not the time for brainstorming or brain surgery. Following through is much easier. It does not take much thinking or skill to aim the iPhone camera out of window and post the photo. This is for Susannah Conway’s April love photo challenge. It’s simple and quick, giving me a sense of accomplishment.
As you might know my dog, Sheba has been experiencing periods of anxiety. I have not been resting well at night with her restlessness. I am tired and cranky even in the morning with no energy for useful purposes. My yoga and meditation routines relaxed and mellowed me so I could take her out for her walk. Yes, there’s no rest for us mothers, even if our baby is a furry one.
The good thing about these kind of days is that the day seem to stretch forever. I have time on my hands to do whatever. Perhaps it is not the best time to cut my hair but I took a chance. Hair grows. I hate going to the hairdresser. I am happy with the result. It doesn’t look like a hatchet job, does it? I guess I could have smiled but smiling takes energy.
I am happy with how I’ve dealt with my day. I’m down to my final challenge – writing my post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It is hard but first one word, then another. Then it’s one sentence followed by another. That is how life is, etc. etc.