THE WEATHER, THE WAY YOU LOOK AT ME AND OTHER EXCUSES

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Good morning! January 7th and day 7 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. The dog and I had a good night of sleep. I’m still feeling the yuckiness of all my recent lack of though. The effects of sleep deprivation has long and lasting footprints on our physical body and mind. I should know having done shift work for over 30 years. I existed on a daily average of 5 hours of sleep. I prided myself on how well I functioned on so little.

I was stupid for wearing that badge of honour. I wonder how much of sleep deprivation played into my ‘blues’/SAD. I blamed many of my failings on the weather, others and other stuff. Even though I knew better, I rarely thought it was the sleep thing though sleep was our/a nurse’s main vocabulary. Did you sleep? and Are you on days off?  My sleep deprived brain was not firing on all cylinders. It’s been limping along as best as it could.

I’ve read somewhere that it takes about 6- 7 years to recovered from long-termed (20 years) shift work. I’ve worked over 30 years doing 12 hour days and nights.  I’m in mine 7th year of retirement. I’m a recovering, almost recovered sleep deprivedaholic. I still have little bouts of sleeplessness. I still blame the weather, the woman next door and other excuses. I have to have a place to lay some of the blame. It’s too much and heavy on just myself. Even so, I try to take responsibility by taking action and moving towards living a meaningful and productive life. Some days are better than others. Some things are easier to do than others. I try taking one step at a time to be stronger and more resilient.

The biggest shift I’ve experienced  was 3 or 4 years ago when I joined an aerobics class at the YWCA. After a month of an hourly class 3 times a week, I felt euphoric. My senses became alive. My head felt so clear and I could see so well. I remembered going wow! driving on the freeway. The view in front of me was panoramic and sharp. Everyone thought I looked so good. Those effects have diminshed as I got used to my new state of well being. The memory of it have kept me on track and to get back on when I have derailed.

Travelling through the last month or so of 2019 has brought another shift. This time in my thought processes and emotions. I’m sifting through the debris to find the nuggets of learning and wisdom. It takes patience, hard work and time. It works best when I put the words, thoughts, events, feelings and what have you onto the page. Those are my trusted tools. On that note I’m ending this post. Another day and a few mumblings. Sheba and I have travelled to the park and back. We made our 2 rounds, romped and talked with our fellow walkers. We hope for another peaceful evening and a night of sweet dreams.

TRUE LIFE NEVER RUNS SMOOTH

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Gosh, I should not have talked about my sleepless nights with Sheba. It brought bad luck. Here we are again on the Midnight Express. There was something bad in the air this evening. It gave me the shivers listening to Donald Trump. Then there was the image of Harvey Winestein pushing his walker and the fires in Australia. Half a billion wild life lost! The world feels foul. No wonder Sheba and I are disturbed. We can feel it all.

We have both taken our melatonins. I hope that will rock us to sleep soon. No use in fretting. I can do something useful in the meantime. Might as well tap a few words for day 6 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Sheba has settled on her pillow. My eyelids are getting heavy. I wonder if she will let me go to bed. Oops! She’s up again. Maybe I will just pull out the comforter and bunk down here. I’ll be optimistic and say, be back in the morning.

It is Monday afternoon. My optimism last night was lost but not completely. The dog was not cooperative in allowing me to sleep. After farting around trying to be productive and not making too much noise, I got fed up with Sheba. I was tired and getting a headache. It was 2 am. I read her the riot act, turned out the light and went to bed. Much to my surprise, it worked. She hung back, then tiptoed into the bedroom and plunk herself on her bed. She was quiet the rest of the night.

I did get some shut eye, maybe 4 hours. It was not a restful sleep. It’s better than none. Nothing is perfect. True life never runs smooth. We’re still on track, clickety clack. Around and around we went. Though it is a bit blustery we made 2 rounds at the park. We’re both full of vim and vinegar. Surprising isn’t it, considering our lack of sleep and our advanced ages. Must be something in the air. I hope the fresh air and exercise will zonk us out tonight.

We I must bolster ourselves myself. I must build up my reserve so that I’m not so easily influenced by the news or whatever in in the air. It makes life ever so much harder feeling and succumbing to every little thing. Time to grow up. I think I have – a little. I’m carrying on as usual. I’m bitching a little. I’m feeling a little crabby. But I’m not crying ‘poor me’.

THE LITTLE TRAIN THAT CAN

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Good morning! The sun is shining. It’s the 5th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I had to get a few difficult things out of the way before plunking myself down here. Otherwise my day would be lost. As much as Sheba hates getting her ears cleaned, it is a weekly must. We learned the hard and expensive way. A perogy ear (ear hematoma) caused by an ear infection, 5 visits to the vet. clinic and 2 weeks of no sleep taught me well. We are starting the new year off with clean ears!

I’m surprised that I didn’t get sick from all that stress. It was not so much the vet visits and the expense. The nights of no sleep were the hardest. She bore the pain stoically, as all dogs do, and was good during the day. However, as soon as it was bedtime, Sheba was anxious, panting and pacing all night long. There were nights when I had to take her out in the backyard 3 or 4 times. That’s what I had to do even in winter, in the middle of the night. I would put on my fake fur coat, pulled the LED toque over my ears and slip my feet into my boots and out we went. It was a little reprieve. I breathed in the fresh cold air and looked at the darkness around us. It was restful.

I didn’t bother hanging up my coat for those 2 weeks. It hung on the back of the chair in the dining room. I never thought of not doing any of that. There had been many nights when I couldn’t sleep in the past. Sheba would get up and be with me. Her quiet presence was comfort enough. I had to do the same for her. I had to be there to make sure she was safe. I could not let her go bumping and bashing into the furniture with her cone collar. I had to be there outside to supervise so she wouldn’t use the bush to take her collar off. I never once thought of I can’t. I can’t. I’m the little train that can. I could. I could. Chug. Chug. I’m rounding the corner. I’m almost there.

I’m a sucker for stories – children’s, fairtales or whatever, that puts in a bit of sunshine and builds me up. They put a little steam into my engine so that I can pull into the next station. Whatever works is my motto.

 

CROSSING THE BRIDGE

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Seems like I’ve been on this trip forever and a day. I’m not ready to get off yet. Some things still work for me. The digging, self reflections – the archeology of my self is a worthwhile journey. At times I do feel a bit egotistical, being so obsessed and self absorbed. But at least I’m not alone in this. It is endorsed by others greater than I.

  • ”You cannot have a meaningful life without having self-reflection.” —Oprah Winfrey
  • ”One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else.” —K.L. Toth
  •  ”It is always our own self that we find at the end of the journey. The sooner we face that self, the better.” – Ella Maillart
  •  ”Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung
  • The journey into self-love and self-acceptance must begin with self-examination… until you take the journey of self-reflection, it is almost impossible to grow or learn in life.” – Iyanla Vanzant
  • ”Honest self-reflection opens your mind to reprogramming, change, success and freedom.” —Unknown

I shall continued on. Perhaps I need to change, to switch onto a different track. I could be more light spirited. I could change the tint of my glasses. Perhaps then I can speak in a different voice. It’s been pointed out to me that my self-blame and guilt could be the result of my lack of control of others’ actions. There’s a lot of truth in that – for myself at least. I’ve crossed that bridge. I’ve come out of the tunnel. I have the understanding now but feelings don’t vanish overnight. I will have to relive those feeling again and again, until I’ve crossed enough bridges and crawled out of many tunnels.

Life is a never ending journey of bridges and tunnels. I haven’t found the way to light heartedness yet. My world is a serious place but I am not full of misery either.

MOMENTUM – THROW GARBAGE OFF THE TRAIN

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It’s almost afternoon on day 3 of the new year and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Already and still, I’m feeling the weight from the year past. My old self with my old attitudes are making their presence known. I feel crabby, mean and ugly. I’m like a leaky balloon losing hot air. I have no stamina, no power. I’m losing momentum, my wheels slowly grinding to a screeching halt. No more clickety clack. It’s chug, chug, screeeeech!

I’m no damn good, carrying this stuff around, feeling all this guilt. It’s too soon. Counting today, I have 28 more day to go. I have to lighten my load. I have to toss the garbage off the train. I have to save my fuel consumption, build my reserve, live and write smarter. What I don’t need is to carry other people’s stuff. So toss those out first. I remind myself that it’s not the people I’m tossing, it’s their stuff. It’s their business, not mine.

I have such a permeable skin. I absorb everyones’ woes and miseries as if they were my own. I need to develop a thicker skin. I have to learn not to take things so personally. Too bad I don’t feel their joy the same way. Instead, what I feel then is envy and jealousy. I am such a bad person. What a thing to confess, eh? I’m like George Washington. I can’t tell a lie. I’m brutally honest and not proud of it. I’m laying out all the facts in black and white so I can see myself clearly. So that I can accept what is here, what I have to work with. Do I have a full deck to work with?

It’s time to take a break, let go a little, loosen my grip and play a little. No need to be like a dog with a bone.

 

 

ON THE WORD TRAIN

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Good morning! Welcome aboard to this 2nd day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I hope you and I will stay on for the whole ride. I’ve been doing this for a few years now. I have enjoyed and survived most of the challenges, though I did fell off the train in October. Yestery, I climbed back on again. I heard Cat Stevens singing Peace Train in my head and I had to get back on. ” ‘Cause I’m on the edge of darkness. There ride the Peace Train. Oh, Peace Train take this country. Come take me home again.”

Yes, I’ve been on the edge of darkness and I’m riding this train home to the place that I belong. I’m in my chair. The keyboard is the tool of my command centre. And I am the conductor of this train. It’s good to feel in control again. I was lost, awashed without a shore to land on. It is such a comfort to feel the tap, tap beneath my fingertips. I feel anchored and grounded as I watch the letters and words march across my screen. This, then is my drug of choice, my SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor). It takes me out of the dark tunnel and has very little undesirable side effects on me.

I’ve been on the word train on WordPress since 2002. I found it much easier to work with than Blogger. I write for the pure pleasure of putting words and pictures together. Words speak to me in pictures. Pictures speak to me in words. I’ve ridden my soul train through many posts/stations before I realize it was rocking and easing me through the storms of life. It was very good for my brain. I found the Ultimate Blog Challenge perhaps in 2014. In between I found other tribes in Friday Fictioneers and other writing challenges. It’s always good to have company on a long journey – to share a virtual cuppa, ideas and stories.

I can always use some help in organization, format, grammar, etc. I tend to plop down and write off the cuff. It’s no way to be a conductor and run a train. It is my goal that I will get to the final station on January 31 without derailing.

ON A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY

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First things first. Good morning and Happy New Year everyone. May our creativity and words flourish and flow for this first month and the rest of the year. I am embarking on the Ultimate Blog Challenge for January 2020. I’m showing up each day of the month with all my sighs and mumblings. I have been away from here, my sit and think place for too long. I have been lost in a dark and joyless place for a little while. My keyboard and words are tools of recovery and navigating the stairway to the light.

The Chinese have a custom of not talking about bad things on New Year Day and other special occasions. It might bring bad luck. We are a superstitious culture. The world can be such a dark place and I have chosen ACCEPT for my word for the year. It is time to push superstition aside and speak of the truth as it is. That is what acceptance is – to embrace what is here and true now. The truth is my heart has been in a hard and barren place. The holiday season had no meaning for me.

That truth is difficult to declare. It’s like blasphemy. In my mind, I’m putting my arms up in defence of being stoned by the masses. But when the meanings are gone, how can I pretend otherwise? Losing meaning wasn’t my choice. It’s what came with the changing tides. There was no pushing them back. The darkness seemed to have exploded into the light of world. They can no longer be hidden, contained and ignored.

Having lost those old sentiments and beliefs that used to sustained me, I must let go and not cling to things that no longer work. I must go forth into this brave new world and find the truths that will work. The happiest moments I have are the ones from my childhood on New Year’s Eve. I’m warm and snug in my bed made of wood planks softened by a quilt. I’m safe and secure while my mother, grandmother and ‘aunties’ are tending the fire with wood and straw in the night. They are making Chinese desserts for the next day. That warmth and sense of security and belonging I felt back then are what I want back.

This month of the Ultimate Blog Challenge is my journey to recover my heart and soul. I’m going to tap my way up the Stairway to Heaven.

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

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December mornings can be cruel, especially if one lingers in bed too long upon wakening. Grey, cold thoughts creep into my thoughts in the cool darkness. They seep into my body and I wear them like a shroud. Best to swing my legs up and out. Let my feet hit the cold of the floor and jolt myself out of my reverie.

It is almost 2020. And what have/will I done/do? The urge to sink into the same old, same old is strong. I hate to use the same old lines but I am tired. But when am I not? I can’t/won’t use that as an excuse. So here I am, showing up at my keyboard, flexing my fingers, limbering up, putting my thoughts and feelings onto the page. It helps to see them in black and white and not just whirling around endlessly in the chambers of my mind. Here on the page, I can see the beginning, middle and the ending. I can see the rhyme and reason, errors in thinking, grammar, spelling. I can see them all. There’s no place to hide.

It’s will power and determination that got me here this morning. I swallowed my fatigue, cynicism and all my other bad attitudes. I can tap my way to heaven one day at a time. Maybe I can get all the way there by next New Year’s Eve. How many steps are there? Has anyone counted? Surprise, surprise! I’ve found a few Stairways to Heaven on the world wide web. The Haiku stairs on Oahu has 3,922 steps. Then there’s the Cuilcagh Mountain in Ireland. I’m not sure how many steps to it. We had plans to climb the 999 steps in Hunan province, China. But the political climate pulled the rung from beneath our feet.

It was a huge disappointment to be sure. That’s life. You make other plans and other goals. Sometimes you get more disappointments and hardships. Then I want to tear my hair out and then sink into bluedom. But I’m not good at staying down. It doesn’t feel good and I have to reach up towards the light and another stairway to heaven. So here I am, on the first step, starting again at the bottom. I’m warming up, stretching and practicing my reach for the top.

 

 

A NEW DREAM

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I was lost in my dream last night. It shouldn’t be any surprise. I am most often lost in real life. So there I was, in dreamland, wandering up and down Idylwyld Drive, looking for my car. I had just left this place where I was waiting for my 10 am appointment with some woman – my therapist maybe. I was hours and I never did see her. Finally I left because it wasn’t making my anxiety better. By then it was after lunch. We were suppose to be going out of town.

I never did find my car. I thought I better phone what’s his name. I found 2 phones in my purse. They were full of cookie crumbs. I thought, Oh no, they could bugger up the phones. Then I wondered if I had checked the wrong phone and got my appointment date wrong. I crossed a mess of railroad tracks, looked ahead then behind. No car. I woke up feeling lost and unsettled.

I need a new dream. I’m tired of being lost, even in a dream. I’m feeling somewhat down in the mouth. You know what they say, when you smile, the whole world smiles with you. But when you cry, you’re by yourself, baby. Better buckle up, Buttercup!

I’m trying to pull myself up by the bootstraps. It’s not easy when I feel as grey as the sky outside. I’m trying hard, thinking back to days of sunshine, to my Saturday morning swims and how I thrilled learning to do the breaststroke. I think of how relaxed and fulfilled I felt as I sat down at A & W to my whole enchilada breakfast.

Then there’s my dream of being a hula queen. So far my best result is 40 revolutions at one go. That dream is still alive even though I am stalled and dull at the moment. Soon I will be able to rise above the greyness. Sheba and I will head towards the park. We will stop to pick up some delicious dessert for tomorrow eve. A treat is always good for a picker upper.

I DON’T DO CHRISTMAS ANY MORE

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John Lennon’s So This Is Christmas has been playing in my head for days now. I’m hardly in the mood for the season. You can call me Mrs. Humbug! for all I care. That’s right, the caring have left me bereft of  sentimental emotions. The fact is I don’t do Christmas any more. There comes a time for giving up the illusions and delusions. The time is now. It doesn’t work for me any more.

Now that I’ve grown up, I can give up the charade. I’ve played the game. I did the tree, the decorations, the gifts and the whole thing. I bought it all even though it wasn’t at all in our Chinese culture to celebrate the birth of Christ. I’m living in our adopted country/culture. To fit in, to feel that I belong, I had to practice the tradition. Like they say, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. I believed it all, too – then. I even saw Jesus on the cross.

Do I still believe though? It’s a difficult question to answer. But I’ve lost the spirit of Christmas. I’ve lost the spirit of many things. These are hard times for the soul. Sometimes I feel the whole wide world has lost its soul. Mary Oliver’s Of the Empire says it so well.

We will be known as a culture that feared death and adored power, that tried to vanquish insecurity for the few and cared little for the penury of the many. We will be known as a culture that taught and rewarded the amassing of things, that spoke little if at all about the quality of life for people (other people), for dogs, for rivers. All the world, in our eyes, they will say, was a commodity. And they will say that this structure was held together politically, which it was, and they will say also that our politics was no more than an apparatus to accommodate the feelings of the heart, and that the heart, in those days, was small, and hard, and full of meanness.

And so it is almost Christmas. And what have I done.