Author Archives: hafong

Unknown's avatar

About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

I AM

Posted on by
Reply

A very cold start to the day. The door knob to the back door was frozen. It wouldn’t turn. Lucky we had electricity for the hairdryer to thaw it out. A few weeks ago, the lock was frozen. The key wouldn’t turn. Lucky the front door wasn’t that way, too. Sheba and I would be shit out of luck and be left in the cold after our walk. Oh yes, I forget. There’s the garage. It has an electric space heater. We have options.

I should not be so hard on myself for my moodiness. Nature can be a cruel mood leveler. I found out that I wasn’t the only one that skipped out on aerobics Friday. Only 4 people showed. I did showed up today as well as our instructor. What a gal! She just had carpal tunnel surgery this morning, too. That’s way beyond the call of dedication and duty. But it was good for me. I needed someone to pump me up. And just her presence can do it.

I wasn’t really quite with the program. I certainly was not on fire. But I moved and did worked up a sweat. I felt my lethargy changed. My mood moved up a notch. Then I sensed a feeling of empowerment flowing through my being. Somewhere in my brain, a speck of cognition got lit. I felt lighter. Some of the heaviness lifted. I can really move my body. I picked up my feet and threw my arms up in the air. I recognized my depression comes from feeling helplessn, a sense of powerlessness, of no control.

But I did not feel powerless in that moment. I was in charge. I was running, pumping my arms and breathing easy. I do have control. I have choices of how to be. I do not have to be weak and maudlin. Neither do I have to be bossy, mean or unkind. I do not have to be depressed or sad. I can choose. I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman.

 

LIKE THE LIONS

Posted on by
6

“Patience” and “Fortitude”, the “Library Lion” statues, in the snowstorm of Dec. 1948 from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_Public_Library

January 14th, 9:30 am. The sun finally shows itself. The day is supposed to be longer. It’s only so minusculely, lengthening by mini seconds daily. Patience and fortitude are the words necessary for this month. I picture myself sitting stalwart and at attention like the lions guarding the entrance to the New York Public Library. They sit proud and strong, through thick, thin and smog. They do not waver. They endure in sun, rain, sleet and snow. That is how I want to be. That’s how I can be. I have knowledge. I have training. I have tools.

I am sitting in sunshine, in the warmth of my space, starting a new day. I’ve gotten up, dressed up with make-up and earrings even. I’ve smarten up, pulling up my pants and bootstraps. So it is January. It is cold, dark and difficult. What can I do about it? I can turn on the lights, crank up the heat and put one foot in front of the other. I don’t have far to go. I don’t have to go anywhere at all, except to the bathroom now and then. I got tired of listening to my same whiny words. Maybe they were just thoughts nobody heard except myself.

I do believe in the power of words and action. If you don’t like something, do something about it. I find it troubling yesterday posting for Gentle January 2018 for the prompt I WANT. All that I could feel was the emptiness of wants. I do not hunger or lust after any material wants beyond those of shelter, clothing and food. I wonder if a psychologist would label me depressed on an interview. I am not even othered much by Sheba’s hair and muddy paw tracks on the floor. Imagine! Muddy paws in January. It’s no wonder I am depressed if I am.

But wait! I do lust after a cup of tea/decaf, a sit in the sun with a good book. I am not totally bland. I still feel that dull gnaw of ugh in my being. I keep it on these pages only. Who could possibly understand ughs? Oh, certainly not those perpetual joyful souls. I tried to smooth out my whines with my little index card paintings. Sometimes I can eke out some slivers of comfort and joy with brushstrokes in the night. Time is not wasted in sleeplessness, tossing and turning. I have something to show in the morning. Life can be dang challenging. But I did say I like challenges, didn’t I? No worries. I’m going to bake them away making Toll House Squares. There’s nothing like the smell of chocolate baking to chase the blues away. How about you? Do you get the blues?

CAIN’T GET NO SATISFACTION

Posted on by
Reply

I feel like the Rolling Stones wrote the Satisfaction song for me. It sums up my feelings perfectly today. But the beat did perk me up some. But just because it’s the way I feel, it’s not permission to behave badly. Though it was another cold and dark morning, I went for my Saturday morning swim. After giving in to my snacking and exercise avoidance yesterday, I set my intentions last night. Get up, dress up and show up. So after my morning cup of tea, I packed my gym bag, counted to 5 and went out the door.

I guess I got some satisfaction that I lived up to my intentions. Early cold Saturday mornings are almost guarantee for a lane to myself. Other people must have had the same thought. Though I did have a lane to myself, all the lanes were occupied shortly. I tried too hard to perfect my backstroke. I didn’t get the pull that propelled me forward. I splashed myself alot. Funny how I hate getting water on my face when I’m already immersed in it. I think it’s the pain of water getting into my nose. I haven’t yet learned to slow down and relax into the strokes. Instead I thrash all the more faster making things worse.

I can’t get satisfaction that way. But I did swim almost the whole hour. Should help a bit ridding the double chin I’m developing. It doesn’t worry me enough to stop snacking. I had a few more taco chips and salsa this afternoon. It was pleasurable to hear the snap and crackle and that tangy taste on my tongue as I finished reading K is for Killer.

I really shouldn’t say I got no satisfaction today. I think I am just restless. I’ve had other times like this. The best thing I’ve learned to do is stay calm, be brave and watch for the sign. Gracie Heavy Hand is a wise woman. She’s the next best thing to Caroline Myss. I’m heeding her both of their words.

HEALTHY FATS AND POUNDS

Posted on by
4

I have to snack my way through January. It’s a tough one for me this year. I’m staying calm, being brave and watching for the sign. It’s what Gracie Heavy Hand advises. It’s good enough for me. Snacks have a way of calming my nerves. They keep my hands steady so I can tap, tap on my keyboard and hold my paint brushes without trembling. A girl has to do what a girl has to do. I’m muching on healthy snack – a few taco chips and somebody’s homemade salsa. Zero transfat. Sometimes I like to crack open a few pistaschios. They’re what you call good fats – Omega 3s. I used to be a nurse. I know all these things. If I gain a few pounds in January, they’ll be healthy pounds. No worry.

I think we are too obsessed about weight and body image. We are constantly bombarded with diets and exercise. Obviously all these are not working. Look at all the overweight people – desperate enough to seek gastric surgery at private clinics. Not only did they not lose weight, they gained financial debt and health complications. It’s really a sad story of people gaining from others’ vulnerability and misery. But what to do?

I don’t know how to answer for anybody except myself. I try not to set myself up for upstoppable eating. Most of the time we do not have any junk food around. We’ve learned from our year of having bacon almost every day for breakfast. We did gained a few pounds but nowhere’s near needing a gastric band. Our opinion, of course. Now we don’t buy bacon – except the 2 packs I got on sale in the freezer. I do fall off the wagon once in awhile. You have to allow yourself. Otherwise you could go frigging crazy.

I think that might be my best advice for anyone – allow yourself some comfort, some leeway. Do not be obsessive about being perfect at anything. I’m allowing myself to feel what comes up. Yes, I admit it. Today, I found it frigging hard. I slept in, skipped my aerobics class. It was cold and dark in the morning. It was hard to hustle so I didn’t. But I did try to keep things at a medium hum, drank more tea, read Sue Grafton’s K is for Killer. I enjoy her style of writing. It’s similiar to Janet Evanovich’s. They both have murder, humour and kickass. Just what the doctor would prescribe for the winter blues.

I’m quite okay with my blues. Sometimes they are restful. I allow myself to be slowed down and rest. The worst time of the day for me is right after lunch. I hate the cleanup. I’m just letting everything sit and soak in the sink. I make myself a cup of tea, read my book or tap a few words. Then I take the fur baby out for her poop run. Today I had another cup of tea when we came back before attending to the mess. By then, it is like a meditation, doing one thing at a time.

January 12th today. 19 more days to go. A few more snacks and I can do it.

 

HOLD THAT EGG!

Posted on by
3

The sun is pouring into my space. I loathe to leave its warmth and brightness. I shall linger here for a bit with my decaf. The pasta for beef stroganoff and Sheba’s biscuit can wait awhile. It’s easy when you have a Phillip’s pasta maker. It takes minutes to make but longer to clean. I’m not doing a sales pitch but it’s a heaven send along with my Instant Pot. After I got acquainted with them, it’s as easy as abc. But let me tell you, it was hair pulling the first time with pasta maker. The hardest part was removing the plastic lid. By the time I figured it out, I was pooped. I should have waited till another time but I wanted to make pasta. You know how it is with a new gizmo.

My sister said that it was very easy. She was the one who had whispered pasta maker in my ears. Follow the directions. Put the flour in. Press a button. Voila! Pasta in 3 minutes. She neglected to tell me at the time her first tries were not quite successful. I learned that only after I told her our disasterous first time. Now I don’t trust anyone when they tell me how easy things are. First times are always difficult and tricky – for me anyways.

I had to pick the guy up at the airport at 6pm that day. I thought, perfect. Now that I got the most difficult part figured out, we’ll have fresh pasta for supper. We followed the directions. Put the flour in. We measured. We were extravagant, too, adding an egg to the water. Pressed the button. It started turning. We poured the liquid mixture in as the paddles turn. After 3 minutes when the pasta was suppose to come out, the machine quit. We decided maybe we would save the egg till we’ve mastered it. Two more times failed. In the end, we cooked store bought dried spaghetti. By that time it was 9 pm.

I’m happy to announce that we are now experts. It is easy as abc. We use an egg every time. It does add a little extra taste. Now, it is time for me to bring out the pasta maker. Lunch coming up.

Post script: The Tagliatelle for the stroganoff and the lasagna for Sheba’s biscuits turned out wonderfully. The cleanup, however was not. So much to clean! Cutting boards for onion, garlic and the left over roast into cubes. Then there are the knives, salad spinner besides the pasta maker parts. The pot for cooking the pasta and the frying pan for the stroganoff are stilff left. Then there are the baking sheets for Sheba’s biscuits. Oh, my God!

 

STEPPING UP TO ELECTRIC AVENUE

Posted on by
5

It’s that magic hour again. I’m sitting down with my decaf. I see the smoke coming out of my neighbour’s chimney. It’s turned cold again. -23 C this hour. I’m feeling better. I’m always surprised that my aches and pain are aggravated when the temperature turns warmer in the winter. I feel the best in the cold, cold sunny days of January. I’m Asian for crying out loud! I must have acclimatized to the cold after all the years here. Maybe I’m related to the Eskimos. I jest but did some quick Google search. Found some interesting articles but no definitive answer.

It doesn’t really matter, interesting or not.  So easy to get sidetrack with Ms. Google. I’ve already wasted time looking up Electric Avenue on YouTube. It’s been playing in my head since my Step Aerobics class this morning. It’s such a catchy upbeat tune. Just what I need to step it up in these dangerous winter bluesy time. It’s very effective. I’m rocking my way to Electric Ave. And then taking it higher.

The cold works, too. Sheba and I were rocking down the backalleys, stepping smartly. Now we’re back. Feels like such a treat sitting here in warmth, tapping. I will put the kettle on and hope there’s 2 cookies left in the jar. I don’t believe in cutting back treats in the winter. I need those carbs for energy and boost my feel good levels. I don’t believe in making New Year’s Resolutions either. It is the wrong time of year – at least here in North America. For us, it is the season of cold weather and cabin fever. It is the time of short daylight. Those two factors already set us up for failure. If you have other problems, there is no hope at all for succeeding. I know. I’m talking negative. It is winter. See what I mean?

Yesterday I talked about working on organizing to maximize my productivity. Moving Sheba’s afternoon walk to when she starts fussing works for both of us. The walk has to be done. She gets it out of her system. I have more peace and quiet to work at whatever. I am learning to paint my index card art in batches. Yesterday, I rescued and reworked a disappointment for today. When I have moments when I am not/can’t do much, I start another index card. That way I have a small steady stream of cards in the works. I am trying to clean up/put away all my work spaces a little at a time.

And now I have to sum/pack up here. Next in the schedule after my tea and cookies are bills and those pesky census forms – if I can find them. I might have to wait till they send a reminder. Or am I mistaken? It feels like the wrong time of year for them.

RECYCLING 365 SOMETHINGS

Posted on by
10

A little while ago, I was thinking that I’ve been feeling and doing quite well. I haven’t had my usual miseries of sinus problems, aches and pains and the blues for a long time. Be careful of what you think! Lo and behold, my said maladies paid me a visit. Maybe it’s not my thoughts that brought them forth. Rather, I was receiving advance warnings of their imminence. I like to think it was that.

It’s so cloudy today and oh my gosh, I’m so tired! Complaining again. It makes me feel better just to let it all out. It’s only here, in my own space. Who else would give a care? I’m sure they’re probably feeling the same. It serves me right taking 2 weeks off, sitting on duff – well, not entirely the whole time. Sheba and I still had our daily walks. Goes to show a daily walk with the dog is not much exercise even in freezing rain. It’s good we’ve gone and come. I’m warming up with my tea. She’s laid out on her bed quiet as can be. Shhh!

I’m trying to organize my thoughts. I didn’t think  a swim on Sunday and an hour of aerobics yesterday would cause me such fatigue. But it has. The clouds adds to it. But that is my life, like it or not. I’m trying to make it work better. How can I make my life smoother and more productive with my energy level? I’m listening to some of my own ideas. Re-scheduling activities to different time slots and see how that works. Someone wrote a post on recyling old content for a fresh and new article. I could use the idea for other things besides writing.

Day 7 – Feeling some purple and red and off colour anger. Unable to make a picture today

Daisy Yellow has pointers on the 365 Something Projects. I am on my Day 8 of the project. Doing something creative every day does lead to more creativity. Things get easier and flow starts. I will have to apply that ‘do something every day’ to organizing my desk, the dining table where I do my 365 Somethings Project, my painting studio, my sewing space – in other words, the whole house! Maybe I could chart my progress here. That would make me accountable. I shall do it! I am already trying to pick up and put away as I go along today. Does that get points for me?

 

LIFE’S USER MANUAL

Posted on by
4

Here I am again – tap, tapping away on the keyboard. I hope the rhythm will propel words and ideas along. I like to make it all in one go. Aiming high, I know. No point in aiming for less. I would be programming myself for failure that way. God! I’m weary. My spirit is in my slippers. You would think that I’ll be dancing the jig. Our temperature is -3C. The sun is out. It feels like March. My body doesn’t work that way. It likes January to be like January. I’m only bitching here. It is my space. My valve release.

I made it to my aerobics class this morning. I didn’t really feel like it. But I packed my gym bag. Put it near the door. When the time came, I put on my coat and shoes and out the door I went. No thinking. No hesitation. That’s the way I have to do it. Come Wednesday and Friday, it will be easier. My routine is re-established. I always feel better after. I’ve made that effort to live, not just exist. Life is a complicated project. There are many components to figure out. Sometimes the user manual is not particularly clear or helpful. You have to fiddle and jiggle things around to make it work. It makes for interest and challenge. It keeps me going. There are some hiccoughs and stalls. That’s to be expected.

I jiggle Sheba’s time today, making it earlier. It’s nicer to walk in daylight and sunlight when possible. It gets dark anytime after 4 pm. My energy sags even further. So we try for 3 pm. It’s her most naughty time – barking and raising a fuss for her supper. Now we walk at 3. She has to earn her supper first. It’s a good working plan. We’ve done our walk. She’s fed and quiet on her cushion. I can sit here, drink my cups of tea and tap my heart out. Life can be easier just by rescheduling. It’s somewhere in beginning of the user manual. It just takes awhile for me to find it. Most of the time I don’t read directions. Winging  it doesn’t work as well.

BEGINNINGS AND RE-STARTS

Posted on by
8

Beginnings and re-starts are hard. I had a week’s hiatus from my exercise class between Christmas and New Year. After New Year, I made it two weeks. It’s good to take a break, I tell myself. Saturdays are my swim day. Well, I couldn’t make myself go yesterday. Today was almost the same. My rationale was I might as well start things back on Monday. I’m familiar with that slippery slope. It could prove too slippery to get back up. I bit the bullet, enticing myself with lunch at the mall after the swim. The fabric store there is having a sale. Everything 50% off. That worked. I’ve scaled the slope. I’m back in the groove. The swim boosted my mood and soothed the aches and pains.

I have to keep these things in mind. It’s easy to stop but difficult to pick up again. I’m like an addict falling off the wagon. I’ve swam and gone to the aerobic class long enough now that I have the ‘feel good’ memory in my body. Even with that, I still needed that extra oomph to get going again. As long my engine can still chug-a-lug, it’s wise to keep the  momentum of carrying out the challenges I’ve set out for January as best I could.

It does make my days full. There are times when I do yearn for more time doing nothing. It’s such a paradox because I find that I can’t just sit, doing nothing. Maybe it’s a good sign just to yearn for nothing times.  It shows that I am not bored. I could do some creative brainstorming to see what I want and what works best for me. I am conducting an informal study of doing one thing at a time, not multi-tasking. By informal, I mean just with myself. I’m not charting data or anything like that. I’m noting how that affects my moods and how I function. Perhaps I should keep notes.

I have found that by breaking up a task into smaller parts makes it easier to do. No brainer, eh?  I apply it to writing here. Everything is easier once I make a start. If I get stuck, I get up and do something else like vacuuming the kitchen. I do the same with painting. I would prep a canvas with gesso and let it dry. I go and do some other thing. I come back and do the grounding. And so on and on. Amazing things happen. My post gets written. A painting gets painted. Sometimes it takes a week or so. Hey, it’s a work of art. I give it more time. The best – the house gets cleaned more often. Dog hair gets under my skin.

 

STAY CALM, BE BRAVE, WATCH FOR THE SIGN

Posted on by
5

I’ve reached that rocky spot on the road where I want to say, Enough! I feel crummy. I don’t want to do anything any more. It doesn’t make me feel better so I’ve taken up another saying instead. “Stay calm. Be brave. Watch for the sign.” It’s a bit of Canadian Cree humour.  You might have to be Canadian and a CBC Radio fan to understand. It came from the radio show, Dead Dog Cafe. Like all good programming, it is now also dead.

Humour, even if it’s off beat is better medicine than whining and feeling sorry for myself. I got off my duff and moved here, sitting, flexing my fingers and tapping away the aches, blues and what have yous. There is action. I’m doing. It’s a verb. Now we’re talking. Sheba’s hanging loose, like a limp rag on the rug. She can sense when I’m in a mood. It seems she absorbs it. She gets underfoot, dogging and bugging me even more. It soothes her when I soothe myself. It’s best to stay calm.

We are brave, too. We’re like the postmen of yesteryear. We’re out for our walk, rain or shine. And can you imagine it. There was a bit of freezing rain. I guess that was the sign. Watch out! Slippery ice. It didn’t last long. We did our full walk even though I had the urge to cut it short. I always do but I always stuck it out, not wanting to cheat Sheba her sniffing and smelling the coffee time. I try to think of it as my walking meditation. Sometimes I count my steps. Sometimes I listen to the tap of my walking stick on the sidewalk.

Some days all of life feels gall darn hard. I would just take a swallow, sigh alot and carry on. The sighing is my deep breathing. It helps to fulfilling my daily mission of :

Yesterday, I only managed to do just one of the three. Some days are like that. I have to use my judgement. There are some days when it is wiser to let go and relax. There are other more pressing priorities. It is all about balance. But today, I’ve done all three. Horay for me!