aerobics

I AM

A very cold start to the day. The door knob to the back door was frozen. It wouldn’t turn. Lucky we had electricity for the hairdryer to thaw it out. A few weeks ago, the lock was frozen. The key wouldn’t turn. Lucky the front door wasn’t that way, too. Sheba and I would be shit out of luck and be left in the cold after our walk. Oh yes, I forget. There’s the garage. It has an electric space heater. We have options.

I should not be so hard on myself for my moodiness. Nature can be a cruel mood leveler. I found out that I wasn’t the only one that skipped out on aerobics Friday. Only 4 people showed. I did showed up today as well as our instructor. What a gal! She just had carpal tunnel surgery this morning, too. That’s way beyond the call of dedication and duty. But it was good for me. I needed someone to pump me up. And just her presence can do it.

I wasn’t really quite with the program. I certainly was not on fire. But I moved and did worked up a sweat. I felt my lethargy changed. My mood moved up a notch. Then I sensed a feeling of empowerment flowing through my being. Somewhere in my brain, a speck of cognition got lit. I felt lighter. Some of the heaviness lifted. I can really move my body. I picked up my feet and threw my arms up in the air. I recognized my depression comes from feeling helplessn, a sense of powerlessness, of no control.

But I did not feel powerless in that moment. I was in charge. I was running, pumping my arms and breathing easy. I do have control. I have choices of how to be. I do not have to be weak and maudlin. Neither do I have to be bossy, mean or unkind. I do not have to be depressed or sad. I can choose. I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman.

 

GRINDING IT

It’s another sizzling hot afternoon at 32 degrees Celsius. I’m in a better frame of mind. Just had a yummy banana muffin and Tiramisu Gelatto. It could be I’m on a sugar high. Whatever works! I had to really work it this morning to smile on the inside. It is easy to do it on the outside. All you do is just stretch the corners of your lips. But on the inside – ai yai yai!

I still have the memory of the first highs of Val’s aerobic exercise class. I felt so light. My head was so clear. I could breathe in and out like nothing. The highs do wear off and some days the joy is not there. Some days it is a grind but I put my mind there this morning. I remember reading Spark, the Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain. The author stated that you get the same benefits of doing, even if you’re not enjoying it. So I jumped, leaped, ran, whatever Val was yelling out. Even if I feel lousy, I can still look good and be strong – the better to fight the yuckies.

I never give up. I’m super stubborn. I try not to read another self-help book when I’m stuck in the middle of a mood, when I’m least receptive. I have the answers in me. I just need to be patient, sit with it, do a little of easy and more easy. It is true that this, too, shall pass. And I’m feeling good again. I have to eat more muffins and gelato. Yum!