Author Archives: hafong

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About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

NOW THE BREAD’S MADE, IT’S TIME TO HAVE SOME COOKIES

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Life never stops happening. I might as well keep my seat belt on. It’s a good thing, I suppose. I’ve been listening to Caroline Myss this morning on the importance of words. I’m watching my vocabulary – how I talk. I do anyways, especially here. I don’t like to talk about ‘problems’ or ‘trouble’, not without countering it with solutions and hope. I love Alice in Wonderland but I don’t want to fall down that rabbit hole without an escape route.

I’m darn tired now, spending the morning baking bread. Now, I’m sitting with my tea. Relief! I’ve just down two gingersnaps. Cookies help with everything. The furnace man has just left a little while ago. We have heat again. There are things we never learn to do even when we know better – like changing the furnace filter regularly. Why did we think our house was so clean with a dog that SHEDS. So we pay the price of a new motor for the fan. Good thing it’s warm today. -9 C instead of – 30+C of last week. Good thing we have another furnace for the downstairs, plus a fireplace. But it was still cool.

It made me think of how spoiled we are. We were cold with an inside room temperature of 60 degrees F. I can remember winters in China when I was a child. There was no heating, never mind central. We wore layers of clothes and then a jacket over top. That’s one reason I have a very big bad scar on my left arm. I had hot syrup spilled on it when I was little. I had so many layers of clothes on, it was difficult to extricate me from the hot sticky mess. Another reason was doctors were not a commonality. They were a last resort of which I did need and got.  I am scarred but I’m here. Both my arms are functional. No mobility issues.

I have learned to mourn and let go my losses, but celebrate what I have. No use crying over spilt milk. So much wisdom in those old sayings, eh? My tea is done. I feel so much better. I think I will have another cup. My aches and pains are less today. My oven is on steam clean. I don’t want to leave the house yet. Sheba will have to wait for her walk. All in good time. Talking about which – making bread is about all I’ve got done today. Well, the dishes, pots, pans and all the other goodies, too. Now that I got the oven going, there’s those racks. No panic though. There’s time. Now there’s heat. Smile. One. Thing. At. A. Time.

But first another cup of tea.

 

ANOTHER CUP OF TEA – STALLING AGGRAVATION

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I would love another cup of tea. To get up and put on the kettle gives me a break from what ever I am doing. My pains are still with me. Tylenol Extra Strength does work but it takes only some of the edges off. So I can only work at one thing in short spurts. Staying too long, concentrating too much makes my body want to scream. So another cup of tea, a few brush strokes, a few sentences here and there and getting up, breathing in between.

It was a long in-be-tween! Another cup of tea and dim sim with my family and I’m back, sitting here again. But I think I will have to pause for that cuppa again and a Tylenol 3. Strange weather we are having. Right now it is -8 C. The sun is shining. It does not feel like January but more like March. I should not complain but I am. Nothing is like it used to be. I don’t like it. I am having a tantrum. I better go make that cup of tea.

I’m more wary and conscious what aggravates and what eases my discomfort. Tantrums certainly aggravates and stalls me. I am learning to note its presence and let it go. Sheba’s loud barking makes me crazy. We go for an earlier walk. It’s saves both our lives. Walking in sunshine is much pleasanter. I will adopt this new time. Messy floor with dog hair intensifies everything. Having the Dyson stick makes life much easier. Clutter makes me want to pull my hair out. It will be my physiotherapy to find homes and put things away. There is a reason for everything that happens. It’s one way of looking at it besides letting it bring me down.

The pain has its attributes. It slows everything down for me. In a way it makes me more observant and deliberate.  It keeps me quiet, blocks out judgement and keeps the critical eye at bay. I save all my observations for later, when I am in a better frame of mind. It is safer, too. Pain can colour perceptions. I don’t want to make any decisions or voice any judgements under its cloud. Be safe. Clearly my mind is not at its best today. I’ve lost focus and direction of where this is going. But no matter. I am showing up as best as I can. I’m

 

 

CHRONIC PAIN – DEALING WITH BUSINESS

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I feel slow as molasses today. Surprisingly I’m doing better in dealing with business. I haven’t felt this uncomfortable for a long time. Maybe it’s because of this crazy weather of ours. We’ve fluctuated from almost -48 C of last week to -7 C today. I wonder what it does to the barometric pressure and our human bodies. No matter what the studies show, I know changes in the weather affect me. I’m feeling the pain in my fingers, wrists and face and jaws. Even my gums hurt. My arms and legs feel heavy as lead. What a whiner, eh?

I’m not really sitting on my duff complaining. It feels worse then. I move around, stretch here, stretch there. I vacuumed parts of the house on my prowls, waiting for breakfast, etc. etc. Now it’s all done. I was going to take an extra strength tylenol on different occasions. Then I forget or forgot if I’ve taken one or not. In the end I decided to take a Tylenol #3. I was that uncomfortable. It has 300mg. acetominophen and 30 mg. of codeine. Whereas Tylenol Extra contains 500 mg. acetominophen.

It did help some. I paid all the bills plus renewing CAA membership and Sheba’s pet license. Was going to write some Christmas cards but decided that I should save some energy for making lunch. I know. It’s after Christmas. I do what I can when I can. Now I’m trying to tap out a few words here. I’m feeling my discomfort coming back in full force. It helps to have ‘challenges’ to keep me going. They give me structure and routine:

It sounds like a lot but it’s not really. They are things that I am already doing. They take my mind away from my discomforts when they arise. They are all about creating and learning. It was the 100 Day Challenge that took me back to art. Then it was blind contouring, index card art…. Each avenue took me to a new dimension. Enough for now. I have to move.

GONG HEE FAT CHOY – Year of the Dog

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I am struggling for energy in the late afternoon, for most of the day actually. I envy those ever cheery, Eveready bunnies. Their spirits and energy never seem to diminish. I like to slap them sometimes. I’m joking, of course. Sometimes I wonder if I have chronic fatigue syndrome or fibromyalgia. I’ve been like this for most of my life. My mother says as a child I complain of being tired and my head heavy. I’m still here so I guess I’ll just carry on. It’s the first day of a new year. I will jolly well march forward ho.

First, wishing everyone Gong Hee Fat Choy! happy new year in Chinese. Literally it means “greetings of riches”. Chinese New Year is not till February 16th. Lucky me, I get to celebrate New Year twice. It is the year of the Dog. Don’t ask me what it means. All I know is that the year of the Dog is most unlucky for people born in previous years of the Dog. Good thing I was born in the year of the Tiger.

I am not an expert on Chinese culture but I am Chinese. That makes me qualified enough to speak on some subjects. We are very superstitous. We clean house for the new year so we have space to receive. But we clean before and not on New Year’s Day. No sweeping because you might sweep out good fortune. No washing hair either for the same reason. You might wash fortunes away. I did vacuum today. Too much dog hair. But I will mark February 16th as a no clean day. Red symbolizes good fortune and joy. Money gifts are given in red packets. I like this idea of gifting. It does away with the shopping frenzy and the wrapping. Energy and joy are retained.

Like all cultures, we celebrate the new year with food. We wear new clothes, something red for females. I remembered that and wore my almost good as new red sweater today. We took my parents for dim sim at a new Chinese restaurant, the Asian Garden. My mother is always keen on trying new places and menus. It was perfect.  Only a stone’s throw away and the dining room surrounded by windows on the second floor. There was only one problem.  The dim sim menu was on an iPad in Chinese and English. It was new to us. We didn’t know to use it to order. They usually bring carts loaded with dim sims around to the tables. We could see what we get. The waiter helped us with the iPad but he spoke very fast. We let my mother order since she knows best. She is hard of hearing so there was a little mix up. But it was all good.

My blood sugar is running low. I am really struggling now. It feels like torture. I best go put some fuel in my tank. I think supper is going to be late.

PUTTING ON ROSE TINTED GLASSES

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John Lennon’s song Happy Xmas (War is Over) plays constantly in my head. It’s probably because they play it during every break on TV over the holidays. It’s for a good cause, I suppose, appealing for help for the Christian Children’s Fund. How much does it help? It’s hard to know. You give with trust that they do the right thing. That’s how I gave to World Vision for many years. It was easy. Write a cheque. Put it in the mail. I would get periodic updates on the child I was sponsoring. Then I stopped giving, not believing in what I was doing.

It’s not a good feeling – losing belief that there is a quick fix. The war is not over and the children still go hungry. The homeless sleep in shelters or on the street. Such is our world. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. I do not mean to be melancholy. I am not. Just tired, feeling hung over by our frigid temperatures of the past week. I am feeling more peaceful and content than I’ve ever been for a long while. Maybe it’s because I’m not fighting the world. I am not fighting myself. Acceptance of things as they are crept in.

I hope you’ve had a Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Let me put my rose tinted glasses back on just for a day or two. It doesn’t hurt to be rosy and be of good cheer. So put on your party hats and get the blowers ready. Don’t have any blowers? Do you know you can  make your own?

TO A NEW BEGINNING

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Today is the coldest day of the year. Saskatoon, one of the coldest place in Canada with temperature of -37 C this morning. With the windchill, it felt like -46 C. We were beaten out by Meadown Lake with their -39 C and -49C with the windchill. Brrrr! It was a very good reason to change our routine. Sheba felt no urge for a morning walk. We did not push. It was good to stay in and put that soup pot on again. It is still simmering its goodness and humidity. It’s good to listen to nature and do as it dictates.

I haven’t always been this wise. I like to fight nature, the system, myself and everyone else. I HAVE to be strong. Not too long ago, I heard that click in the universe. A voice spoke to me. Give it up. I finally heard the message. It just doesn’t matter that much. I don’t have to prove anything. Nobody cares. Life is a stage. We are all players. I can write my own script. The play will be over soon enough. I can play my part, give a graceful bow and exit. There you go!

Life can be fun. No need to take everything and everybody to heart. By all means it can be serious. For sure I should take it seriously, but not as much when nothing matters. I should not scoff at everything and everybody when everything does matter. It’s that damn scale. It’s tricky to balance it. But balance it you must. Things go smoother when it is. Meanwhile chin up, eh. The year is coming to an end. A new one will be starting. How will you begin? Cheers!

STARRY, STARRY NIGHT

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Another bitterly cold day. It’s a fast brisk poop run for Sheba and me. I wonder where our world is going. In the news, seeing the homeless in Toronto and the starving, sick children in war torn countries bring tears to my eyes. I am sitting warm, fed and in my home with excesses. How can I feel right with all I have? At least it made me feel better about my simple Christmas. It was the right way to celebrate.

I am reminded by Caroline Myss this morning of this special time we are living in. Our world and its myths are changing. We have to change the way we see everything. You have to listen to her speak to understand. It’s beyond my ability to explain. I understand a bit of it. Each time I listen, I understand a little more. I am aware this is an extraordinary time in history. I am in awe. I don’t want to waste it, moping and helpless. I don’t want to look back and regret. Oh, I could/should have done something! If only….

So here I sit, in my special hour, tap, tapping away – for enlightenment, for comfort, for vision. I know that I am in a special time- that space between real and energy time. I am aware that we are multi-sensory. I feel the energy around me. Some people give off a powerful presence when they enter a room/space. You’ve felt that, haven’t you? I have. Maybe it’s their body language or facial expression but it’s like an aura surrounding their body. It’s makes me want to back away or rush forward for an embrace – depending on what they give off.

I have been receiving ping backs for awhile now. A thought, idea, an awareness will suddenly pop right in front of my face. I can almost touch it. The first time that it happened, I went: Oh my goodness! No, I don’t want it to be true. But it was. And I was sad. I’m okay with it now. We all possess this ability. It’s just that some of us are not paying attention. We are not listening and we never will. That line jumped right out of Don McLean’s song, Vincent. Oh, how thoughts weave in and out of my mind!

 

What am I doing if not wasting time, moping and sobbing? It’s really nothing special. I do rave and rant here once in awhile. There is not enough time to mope.  I am slow as a slug. I haven’t caught up to the speed of energy yet. I like to press ENTER like on my computer and things get done. I don’t function that way anymore. No more flash in the pan. Now it’s the slow layers of paint that I put on the canvas, the painstakingly slow learning of stitches, programs, and functions of my new Bernina sewing machine. Otherwise it won’t go. It’s no more speeding down the highways of life. I’m processing. I’ve been rewired and rebooted. I am awake, if only a little.

PURPOSE, PROJECTS AND FOLLOW THROUGH

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The day/life is much easier with purpose. It gives you structure and a starting point. It’s the catalyst that pushes me through the starting gate and onward to the finish line. I’m in a better frame of mind. It’s reassuring that I am not always pooling in my puddles. It only seems so. Once more the sun is shining on me, literally. I have to take off my sweater. It’s that warm.

The words feel more fluid in the warmth. They are flowing with ease from my fingertips. I am at ease in this moment with Sheba sleeping beside me. The sun feels so warm, the tea so good. I close my eyes, inhaling, exhaling..living. I give thanks of gratitude to the wisdom of people like Viktor Frankl, Caroline Myss and Professor Guy McPherson. McPherson, a biology professor believes that climate change from our heavy footprint is destroying our planet beyond repair. Even so, we should not despair. He advises:

 “I encourage people to pursue excellence, to pursue love, to pursue what they love to do. I don’t think these are crazy ideas, actually – and I also encourage people to remain calm because nothing is under control, certainly not under our control anyway.”

Those words resonate with me. I am in pursuit of those goals the best I can. They are my torch on gloomy days, beckoning onward or to sit and rest awhile. I need heroes and cheerleaders to coach me along the way. It’s one thing to get started and another to follow through to the end. I’ve had a bit of practice. It’s easier every day. I get up, dress up and show up the best I can. Some best are better than others. That’s how it is.

What are my pursuits in concrete language? The biggy right now is mastering my new Bernina computerized sewing machine. It would have been wise to do some checking. Too bad I didn’t read this blog before. No matter. I have no buyer’s regret. I have a vision of using it as another medium for my artwork. I was inspired by images of free motion embroidery. They popped into my head one day. I can do that, I said to myself. I trust my instincts and ‘feelings’. So off to the Sewing Machine Store I went.

I’m not off and running yet but it is out of the box. After hours of watching tutorils on YouTube, I’ve bobbined and manually threaded the needle. Haven’t mastered the automatic threader yet. I can turn it on, off, navigate some of computer screen and use the straight and zigzag stitches. Not exactly flying or embroidering but still pretty awesome. I think I’ll go and hem my pants now. Be back tomorrow with more progress – I hope.

 

THE FLUTTER OF WINGS AND FAIRY DUST

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After lunch is a always the hardest time for me. There is freshness and momentum in the morning. You wake up, get up, dress up and show up. There’s an expectacy. The day is beginning. There is a promise in the air, a building up and then the unfolding of things. Now lunch is had. All that is left are the dirty dishes, the leftover soup and noodles to put away. Sheba is acting up, wanting attention and her supper. She is always an hour early. She gets a reprimand. I settle in my chair with my dandelion tea. I need a bit of Vitamin C and soothing. No sun in my room today.

I’m not really whining. It’s my inhale and exhale in my own safe space. It’s my own way of navigating through the labyrinth of life. Others’ exhale echo back with their ideas and wisdom of how to be, how to do. Sometimes their echoes are comfort, hugs travelling through the air. It is amazing. I’m feeling better already, comforted by their presence. I have been hearing their advice, guiding me through this holiday season.

My guardian angels have been hovering around me. Can you hear the flutter of wings? They stop my thoughts when they wander in the wrong direction. They silence my words in my mouth before they cause harm. They gently steer me into doing good things rather than hurtful ways. I am covered with their fairy dust.

Sheba is fed. The dishwasher is going. Somehow my pile of dirty pots and pans are washed and drying. The soup put away. The floor vacuumed. We are ready for our walk before it gets late. I am glad when it’s over and done with, especially in winter. I try not to short her even when it is cold. She loves the snow and is friskier, rolling in it.  Today is considerably warmer than yesterday so we do an extra block.

On difficult days, I try not to think of that word. I’m becoming my mother. I have asked her if she has hard days. Of course! She retorts. But I don’t use those words- hard, difficult. Strike them from your vocabulary. Just do. So that is what I do. I do this, then this, and so on and on….till it’s all done.

STAYING ALIVE BLUES

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It’s that flipping time in the afternoon where I feel the lowest in energy. I just want to sink into my loveseat and bask in the sunshine. I want to close my eyes and not think about doing. But here I am, sitting in front of my keyboard. I’m trying to tap myself alive. Now I got that song Staying Alive playing in my head. I’m trying to strut in my chair like the Bee Gees. Whatever works! Have to be resourceful on lazy days. Or I could just give in and be lazy. Nothing wrong with that except that it will be harder to climb out of that hole later. So here’s to strutting and staying alive, however I can.

My dishes are stacked in the sink to be dealt with later. I want to sit here in the sun while it’s shining. It’s warmth is making me sleepy. I still got one eye opened. I’ve got my cup of tea. And Sheba’s barking on cue. No danger of falling asleep in front of the keyboard. I bribe her with a rawhide chew. It works like a charm. I have no magic charm on this cold Boxing Day. I just got the good old the day after blues. But not seriously. I feel a little like an over inflated balloon with some air out of it. Slightly deflated if you want to call it that.

It’s the accumulation of the year, the ups, downs and the mediocre. I feel much like a kid who is bored saying to his mom, There is nothing to do. Only I have too much to do but I don’t want to do it. I’m feeling kind of rebellious and pouty. It really doesn’t do me any good at this age. Not when I am the adult. So what I do is a little of this and that in between my pouts and struts. The hall and bathroom are vacuumed. Sheba is placated for awhile. I’ve worked a bit on two little art projects.

In an hour is the fur baby’s supper and her walk after. Maybe I can stir myself to deal with the dishes now. Then there’s the dining table to be tidied. I need to read the instructions on how to operate my new million dollar Bernina sewing machine. I’m not ready to lose interest already. I’m better than that. Aren’t I? But dang, it’s hard to stay alive!