Tag Archives: writing

How It Is

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It rained overnight and is raining still. The garden is drinking it all up. It pays to have patience and faith that our world will survive. I also must have patience and faith that I, too, will survive. Tomorrow will be 8 months that my mother have left us. We are grateful we’ve had her for so long, but it’s never enough. Though I knew her time was near, I didn’t know how to prepare. And how does one do that anyways until it happened?

So I’m piddling along as best as I can. Some days I do/try better/harder than others. Some days I like to completely chill and do nothing. I haven’t been good at that for a very long time. There’s part of me that always want to ‘fix’ and make it better. That’s not bad, I suppose, because it means I’m always hopeful, always seeking. I’m not good at moping though I often feel mopeful. I should really learn not to brood/think so much.

It is both true and false that it gets better with time. But really. When someone as significant as your mother disappears from your life, how do you navigate that? I am a bit lost in this first year of strangeness. Some days are good. Some days are not at all. And that’s how it is with me. Regardless of how the days are, I’ve been alright and functional. For someone who gets lost all the time, I’ve been able to drive myself and my father to and from coffee every day. Most of the time it’s just down the street to the mall.

Clouds

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Clouds got in my way for a few days. I’m struggling to find my way back. It’s difficult. I’ve lost my momentum and rhythm. Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now is one of my favourite songs. It speaks so true about how clouds are for me. I’ve been very much feeling them the last few days. It helps to know that I’m not the only one. For a long time, I’ve felt somewhat defective, an odd ball, a failure being this way. It’s hard to believe that we are all the same. We are. We are all human.

The clouds have at last delivered. It rained. I should say showered. It lasted only a few minutes. The sun is trying to come through. I should be grateful. And I am.

  1. I am grateful for any rain that fell.
  2. I am grateful that there are no smoke in the air.
  3. I am grateful that some of the clouds are lifting.
  4. I am grateful that I am still here, tapping a few words on my keyboard.
  5. I am grateful for Joni Mitchell’s song, Both Sides Now.
  6. I am grateful I can still feel gratitude.

Both Sides Now – Joni Mitchell

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
Looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and they snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
And you leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions that I recall
I really don’t know love
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say, “I love you, ” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

Oh, but now old friends, they’re acting strange
And they shake their heads and they tell me that I’ve changed
Well, something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

It’s life’s illusions that I recall
I really don’t know life
I really don’t know life at all

No Other way

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It’s another cool and grey morning with the sun trying its hardness to shine through. At least there is no smoke in the air. I still find no reason to smile and feel peppy. I’m having another cup of tea. Maybe I’ll get out of my pjs. Just because the world and life is not as I desire, it’s no reason to mope either. I can try a little, do a little and live a little, bit by bit.

So I’ve gotten out of my pjs into something summery. I’ve been living in sweat pants and t-shirts. They were easy and comfortable. Being a cool spring/summer they were the ticket. I wore them everywhere – to the gym, out for lunch, to the mall, to the garden. Being a sad sack, I didn’t care. I wasn’t fussy about my appearance. But I still shower, brush my teeth and comb my hair once in a while.

June was intended to work on my habits, improving on them and reporting here regularly. It didn’t happened quite often enough. I hit a slump. The weather was bad. There was/is wildfire smoke. And a million other excuses. Now I’m trying to reboot and restart. Not easy. Not feeling like or up to it. Nevertheless, I will just do it. There’s no other way. I will have to stop being a cry baby.

Another cup kind of day

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Today is one of those many cups of anything and everything days. So I shall have another cup for comfort.I don’t have it in me to be brave and keep a stiff upper lip. I already had a chocolate bar. I can’t say it made me feel better but it didn’t make me feel worse. Life is hard and the world is a scary place. There is no place to hide. To keep all that inside myself can’t be a healthy thing. I have to let it out. I can’t force myself to be optimistic when all I feel is gloom and doom. I know that this, too, will pass. In the meantime I have to honour and accept my feelings.

I’m feeling a little better with a warm cuppa and tapping out a few words. They’re my mental and emotional aerobics. I’m letting go of fear. When I can’t voice my discomfort, they mushroom inside my head. They get bigger and bigger. I feel as if I’m living with a time bomb and I don’t know when it is going to explode. I rather do this – tap it out, expose my vulnerabilities. I know I am not alone in this. I’m not all that unique. We are all the same.

I’m going to have another cup. It’s that kind of day. It’s good to have another cup of warmth. It’s decaf. I will be soothed. I won’t get jittery. It’s hard to shine today. I get tired of always struggling and trying. I’m not giving up but sometimes it’s ok to give in and rest from it all. It would be nice if we could have some rain, lots of it instead of just a few drops. If wishes were horses…There’s a promise of 100% chance of rain at 2 pm in the forecast. In 30 minutes. Should I hold my breath?

Making Shine

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A windy Saturday morning. The sun is trying its best to shine through the grey sky. It’s a cool 12℃, feeling like 6℃ the weather app say. It is cool and the air is smoky. Rain in the forecast but no sign of it yet. It is hard to feel cheery and hopeful but it does no good to be morose. So I’m trying hard not to be. I made a walk to the greenhouse. It’s a cozy 22℃ with the door closed and just a side vent opened for ventilation. The snowpeas are still in their prime with new growth. I’ve harvested a lot of peas already. Hoping for more. The cucumbers are coming along. They have blooms but will be awhile before we will get something to eat. 2/4 bitter melons are ok. The other 2 are struggling along, being attacked by aphids. I have sprouted a few more seeds for insurance. There’s still time.

Life still goes on regardless of whatever hardship we are going through. The sun still rises in the east and sets in the west. It’s what we call a day. It is up to each individual to choose how they will navigate the time between the two. Many days I feel hopeless and gloomy. Many days I want to vegetate and not do a thing. I know, and we all know, that no action means no change. Wishing and a-hoping are not actions. They’re just words from a song. So I try to shine the best and any way I can.

It’s getting out of bed every morning, getting dressed, brushing my teeth and showing up at the breakfast table, doing the dishes, sweeping the floor, putting away things.

It is Sunday afternoon. I haven’t been good at putting things away lately. My snow boots are still hanging out on the deck. The deck is still littered with all my pottting soil and containers. There’s no place to sit. I’ve been meaning to tidy up and put things away. I haven’t put anything away and meaning to doesn’t do the job. I just have to do it. That’s all. It is quite simple and yet not. I will tend to the boots and make a start on the containers once I’m done here.

We had a bit of rain last night. It took away the smoke and the sun came out this morning. It’s still a bit windy but it was a good day for us to pour libations for our mother and grandparents at the cemetery this morning. It was a bit strange not to have our mother to guide us in the ritual. We did the best we could. We lit incense sticks, bowed and pour libations for our grandfather, grandmother and mother. Then we burn paper money to ensure their well being and prosperity. Then we departed to the Mandarin Restaurant for dim sim.

A Good Thursday Afterall

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Today is one of those many cups of everything day. I’m wanting to drown all my feelings. I can’t and I don’t. Instead I sit with them all. I draw my #95 teacup for my #100dayproject and my day 5 of Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. Today’s prompt for the #dyicad is hydrangea. I like prompts. They are my guiding lights not only for my art work but also living in this year of being lost in the strange wilderness of grief and loss. It’s a mouthful of a long sentence but you know what I mean.

I’m also standing with all my feelings. I like washing dishes by hand. I’m soothing my nerves as I clean each piece in the warm sudsy water. I’m washing away my cares and woes. The chaos goes down the drain with the dirty water. Peace fills its place. I’m soothed and smoothed.

I go out to the garden even though I don’t feel like it. The lettuce and spinach are in need of harvesting. It would be a shame to let them get too old to eat. I snip and pull and stuff them into bags. They will keep in the fridge or our walk in cooler. There’s enough to share with friends and family. Sharing is good and takes me out of focusing on myself.

It’s been a good day in the end. I got out of the house and out of myself. My sister and I took our father out for coffee in Circle Centre Mall. After, we cruised the Dollarama Store and found some neat stuff for the garden. I bought a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups as a reward for a day well done. We stopped at the library on the way home to pick up some Chinese books for my father. I think we all went home soothed and smoothed. I hope so anyways.

June

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What can I say about June? I’m all out of words. This is perhaps not the best time of day to be engaging. I’m tired from a day of gardening and my blood sugar is low. I feel morose and discouraged. I am unable to resist another cup of coffee and some crackers with peanut butter. I am still doing ok. It’s only my 2nd cup and not my 3rd or 4th. Peanut butter is a good protein, food for my brain.

I want to continue my journey here. It’s good for my mental health to have a space to mutter and utter my angst. It’s good to show up for the first day of the month. It’s starting off on the right foot. May was a good month for me. I set intentions for the month to work on developing better habits. Intentions are helpful. They give me a sense of direction so I am not so lost in the wilderness. For June and July I have another art challenge – daisy yellow index card a day challenge, making art on an index card for 61 days. I’m still working on #the100dayproject. I have 9 more teacups to go. For a reading challenge, I’m reading Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Deemed to be the greates novel of all time, it intrigued me. I shall see for myself.

These are some of my plans for June and July. Tiny, easy and simple are still my key words. I also have to feel good about doing these things. Importantly, I will celebrate every little success. I think this is enough for now. My words are not flowing easily or smoothly.

Last Day

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It’s the last day of May and what have I to show? Not alot but I thought I should show up and wrap up the month of May. It is hard to be cheerful and optimistic when the world is a fire hazard. The other day our premier declared a state of emergency after Manitoba declares provincewide state of emergency over wildfires. Yesterday our sky was grey. There was no sun. The air was acrid with smoke. The air quality index was 11. Today the sun came through but so did the smoke. The air qulaity index right at the moment is 9 which is worse than same time last night. I hope it’s not the trend for the summer.

I’m hoping for rain. We’ve only had 2 rains this year. We’re lucky we have many rain catchments. It helps to water the greenhouse, fill the raised beds and water the garden. When life gets hard, I resort to turning on the city water. It’s easier and faster. I know we won’t have enough water in our catchments. I’m being smart, saving my energy on days when I don’t have any. We are so dry this year, the elm trees are putting out tons of seeds. It was windy yesterday, creating a windfall of elm seeds. It looked like a snow storm. There’s piles of it everywhere.

What else can I say about May? Oh, yes, my goal was to use May to develope better habits. And I have! Isn’t that wonderful? I’ve read Atomic Habits before. What I used from it was to keep things easy and simple. B.J. Fogg’s Tiny Habits is the real game changer for me. It has the same principles but much more. I don’t know how to go into the specifics now. Maybe I can in June. James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits actually took the Tiny Habits course before writing his book. That goes to show how good it is.

I think this is enough chatter for now. It is getting late. Keeping it short and simple, good night.

Our Mothers

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Our mothers, who art in heaven. Hallowed be their names. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.

There’s not a day that I don’t think of my mother. It seems like the world and I have changed with her passing. She’s no longer here to save my day. I’ve been having to do it on my own. It hasn’t been easy. Some days are harder than others. The hard part is running into her friends at the mall. They miss her. It is sad to see their misty eyes. It is hard to hear them say, I have maybe 2 years left. It is also good to talk and coffee with them. They feel like my friends now.

The other day, I received the sad news that mom’s very good friend has passed away. We had known her forever. She was like family. She had helped us so much when we first moved to Saskatoon.She showed mom the ins and outs of Saskatoon. She helped mom find work at a greenhouse and later at a sewing factory. I thought she and mom would be here forever. But now they’re both gone. It is the natural order of things. I feel my world shrinking, people leaving one by one. Still, I’m comforted that they’ve left their physical pain behind. I hope they find each other and am enjoying a cup of heavenly tea.

Staying Alive

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A restless, uneasy morning. Another one of my sad sack moody days. Let’s see if I can tap away my mood in tiny bits and pieces. I feel the urge for a cup of decaf. I’ve already drank 2 large cups of Orange Pekoe tea. Is it the tea and coffee that I crave? Or is it the cream and honey that I put in them? I suspect it’s the latter. Some days I drink up to 5 cups of tea and decaf. Too much for my liking. The more I drink, the more I crave. It’s hard to stop. Using the knowledge that I’ve learned from Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that Change Everything I made myself a healthier cup of dandelion tea instead. I will use the feeling of craving for another cup of decaf as a prompt to make a cup of herbal tea instead.

Yesterday was hard. I found it difficult to finish writing so I didn’t. I felt bad, a physical and psychological pain at the same time. It might be hard for you to fathom that. I don’t know how else to describe it. I was not feeling good. I saw no purpose, no joy. I want to escape. If I could push a button and disappear, I would. Have you ever felt like that? I wonder if there was a blip in my brain chemistry. I knew it would pass. I put one foot in front of the other and carried on. I pretended I was John Travolta dancing to the tune of Staying Alive.

My brain blip did pass shortly after I had my afternoon visit with my father. I put in an effort. I couldn’t very well let everything hang out. It was good to see my father in a chipper mood. He is also putting in an effort. He is looking a little trimmer following my advice of cutting back on the rice and the leftovers. I told him it’s better to throw out a little bit instead of eating it because he didn’t want to waste. I am surprised that he listens to me on this and other matters. It goes to show that no matter how old you are, you can still change. My father will be coming 94 in July.

I can change, too. I’ve only had one cup of decaf yesterday and today instead of my usual 3 or 4. When my brain is wanting another cup, I make a cup of dandelion tea. i wasn’t able to draw a teacup yesterday for #the100dayproject. Not sure if I can today either. I will see. I am tired. I did a whole whack of gardening and weeding today. It is a good tired. I am staying alive.