Tag Archives: life

A WALK IN THE PARK

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Monday evening. It is 9 pm. I can still see blue in the sky. The garden looks so green beneath. The flower boxes on the deck took a beating from the hard driving rains from a few days ago, especially the nasturtiums. I did some rescue work. Hope they will revive.

I’ve had a most exquisite day. I decided to get off my usual treadmill just for today. A rest is as good as a change. I am tired from the last few days. My mind was going like a ticker tape parade, random thoughts spewing in the air. Do this. Do that. Then do this and that some more. My mind was in a frenzy. I recognized that I had to stop thinking and not do any of that. I’ve learned this much in being mindful this month of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Nine days left in July. I will be glad to be finished with the challenge. I value the discipline it has given me. Each day I try to focus and refocus on what my goals are. I try to stay on track and on the subject. It’s so easy to get distracted, stray and given up. Stepping off my usual Monday routine and not going to my exercise class is a good and right thing for me today. I spent quality time with Sheba today. The guy is away this week. Sheba and I are on our own. She is missing him. I loathe to leave her alone. Yes, I think I am the one with separation anxiety.

We got our exercise, fresh air and vitamin D on our morning walk. The sun was bright and warm by 9 am. The park was busy with other dogs, people and kids on swings and bikes. We tried to smell the roses as best we can. Sheba got excited a few times. I had to discipline her a few times. She is more receptive now that she is older. She will be 13 in a few weeks.

 

Now it is past my bedtime. It is time to end this conversation. I should have started earlier but you know how it is. I’ll try for earlier tomorrow.

WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE?

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Sheba owns me instead of the other way around. I thought we could hang out on the deck after supper for some rest and relaxation. She had other thoughts. She whimpered and whimpered till I gave in. We went inside to watch TV but that wasn’t it either. I hope there’s not another thunderstorm coming. I don’t want to pull another all nighter staying up with her. I’m already tired.

It took awhile to settle her. I tried brushing her teeth. She likes her peanut butter flavoured tooth paste. She even allowed me to lift up her lip so I can really get the finger brush in there to do a good job. Next, I brushed her coat, getting the knots out of her tail. She’s shedding like crazy. Her hair coming out in clumps. The TLC didn’t quite do it. She continued to whine and whimper, following me around and getting underfoot.

I’ve had it by then. I’m tired. I had a busy day laundering, cutting grass, weeding and walking her twice. Time to get serious. I had to show her I was the boss. She’s been pouting in the kitchen but has joined me to watch the news now. Not much good news but not knowing does not make it go away. It’s good to know what is going on in the world.

My thoughts are scattered and unfocused tonight. Sheba is a shit disturber sometimes. I love her lots anyways. And she loves me in return. What a team, eh? Well, it’s getting late. I’ve had a good day. It’s been a dim sum weekend, 3 days in a row. Who can complain about that? I could dim sum every day. And we’ve had 2 days of sunshine and no rain. Who could ask for anything more?

Just to let everyone know, I’m still on track with my goals, despite my dim sum binge. My breakfast was one fried egg, avocado, kimchi and no toast. I did not count my dim sum calories but my supper was a very small steak with small brown rice, steamed beet greens and kimchi. I do small of everything now. That’s how I count my calories. I feel sated, satisfied and not deprived. I’m doing pretty good, don’t you think?

I’ve rattled on long enough. Time to say good night on this 21st day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

 

THE HARDEST JOURNEY

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My most difficult journey is the present one. The how of starting is always the first stumbling block. It is the cue to think back to my ancestor, Lao Tzu. He said that a journey of a thousand miles start with a single step. I step forward tentatively – one word, then two…I’m on my way. My most difficult journey is also my inner one. The one with lofty goals, the one which I hold myself to impossibly high principles, the one which I do not allow for mistakes, the one with no detours. It is the one that I, inevitably, have come to a dead end.

I’ve been at the crossroad for some time now. I’m sitting here contemplating my options. Which way are you going to go, Lily? is singing in my head. I know that I can only go forward. There’s no backtracking in life. I’m taking my time, dwelling in the quiet, listening to the beat of my heart. What is it telling me? I no longer trust other voices telling me this and that. They do not have my best interests at heart even though they sincerely believe so. I cannot hold them at fault. I am probably guilty of the same.

I’m watching the shadows on the wall, sipping my peppermint tea.  It is peaceful here. I have time. It is a good place to linger and rest awhile. I’ve had a full and wonderful day. I swam 13 laps or 26 lengths this morning. Somehow 26 lengths sound more impressive. I’m pleased and proud of myself. I’m still holding myself accountable of doing my best of the day, living up to my commitments of showing up for the Ultimate Blog Challenge and staying the course of a healthy physical and mental diet.

MY BEST FOOT FORWARD

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It’s raining again/still. Thunder is rumbling. The house is dark. I’m sipping on my decaf. Maybe we won’t go for our afternoon walk today. We will wait and see. Only one piece of mail for me today. It is a reward coupon from Costco. I’ve read the instructions and it is safely in my wallet. It has no expiry date but not replaceable if lost. So far, so good. Can’t congratulate myself yet on just one day of taking care of business. It doesn’t hurt though to pat myself on the back. Maybe we will go for that walk after all, to keep the spirit going. But first my coffee.

I read a great post from another blogger yesterday on accepting the truth. It was so right on that accepting the truth will set you free. I read it at the precise right moment. I was mellow and receptive. I saw the truths for myself. I had been fighting and resisting so many truths. I had been wasting so much time and so much of myself trying to figure out the whys and wherefores. There was nothing to figure out. It is what it is. What happened has happened. There’s no undoing, going back, changing. There is only going forward. And I can choose how I do that.

I’ve been pondering on that a bit. I want to put my best foot forward, to do my best on this life journey. I want to live according to my own values while respecting those of others. I think it is possible. I’ve been paying attention to my thoughts, mindful of my words and biting back unneccessary talk. It is difficult at times. Those thoughts keep popping into my head. The words are just itching to fall out of my mouth. Practice does make for better. I watch the thoughts float by like clouds in the sky. I swallow the words before they get pass my lips. Safe again! No harm or hurt done.

It’s still raining cats and dogs. I think best we give up the idea of a walk. Tomorrow is another day. Sheba is mellow, happy with vegetable scraps from supper preparations.

 

CURSING THROUGH MY MUST-TO-DOS

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Can you hear me muttering and cursing through cyberspace? That’s right, the morning was committed to my paper clutter. “The time has come,” the walrus said, “to talk of many things: Of shoes and ships – and sealing wax – of cabbages and kings”. It was time for me to dispense with my excuses and deal with my dreads but must-to-dos. 

So much of my life seems to be wrapped up in paperwork – in triplicates. I hang on to every copy, every bits of paper, afraid I will lose something of great importance. Even though we have the internet, emails and e-statements, they still have to be opened, read, filed or deleted. So far I haven’t mastered the ins and outs of keeping on top of the real or virtual paper stuff.

There’s no better time than the present to work on it. First thing first. I dealt with the 2 letters that came yesterday. One needed a phone call to clear up. The next was regarding the house insurance due August 15th. I need some information back from my broker before making payment. It can wait. Then it was reconciling my receipts with my credit cards statement. That accomplieshed, I went on to phone to the telephone company to change my method of payment. Last was setting up online banking for an account set up 3 years ago. I have been such a procrastinator.

paperI still have much to stuff to sort through. I will not waste time trying to understand why or how I got this way. I have pondered upon all these many times before. Instead, I will handle and deal with the mail, real and virtual, daily. I have said this many times before. I know I could lapse. It is something that I will have to work at again and again. It’s like the dishes, meditation and other things. Some things are tedious and boring but they still need tending. It’s like the weeds in the garden, brushing teeth morning and night, dressing in the morning, going to the gym….

BROKEN YOKE, AVOCADO AND KIMCHI

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I generally like my eggs easy over. When I do just one egg for breakfast, there’s nothing to sopped up the yolk with. A runny yolk after a couple of weeks is not tasting delish even with hemp hearts and chia seeds.  I try to think of something different and equivalent for a change. I could find none. It is a perfect little meal in itself. I could get through my aerobics class without a sugar low. Since I’m this far in without a carb in the morning, I want to finish the month. So, I requested to have the yolk broken and fried. Perfect! I added half an avocado. A perfect combination in taste and texture.

What is the result of my dietary efforts thus far? I’ve decided that I would not step on the scale as a measurement of success or failure. Rather I would focus on observation, how I feel and how my clothes fit. 17 days into the Ultimate Blog Challenge and changing my diet, there are definite changes. They were minute at first but they are getting more dramatic. Maybe I am just losing fluids but it is encouraging enough to keep on. I am feeling slimmer along my neck with a lesser double chin. My belly is not so bloated and bulging. My arms don’t feel as chunky and my fingers don’t look like sausages. I can bend and flex them better. They don’t ache as much.

Aside from cutting out the toast in the morning, I am eating kimchi with lunch and supper. After buying the first jar, I am making my own, experimenting with different recipes. I think it is helping with the bloating. It’s suppose to promote good gut health. I am super delighted with my results. I am encouraged to be more conscious with what and how I eat. I try to remember to taste and feel the texture of the food I am chewing. Being mindful, I realize I do not need as much food as I had thought. I often eat out of fear of being hungry.

I need to learn how to apply my energy and success here to work with my paper clutter. Yesterday was not a good day for it at all. I did recognize when my head’s all heavy and clouded up like the sky, not to fight it. Those are the times to just do what I can and to laugh at my mistakes, try to relax and read a good book. Tomorrow will be another day.

ONE EGG, FOUR BREATHS

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Ah, a sunny summer morning! I have to treasure them. They don’t come guaranteed. We’ve had long stretches of cloudy mornings this summer. Things are not what they used to be. There’s volatility in the air. Anything can happen within a given day. Perhaps things have always been thus. I’m just waking up to reality of the impermanence and the shifting ground beneath my feet.

I’ve committed myself to this month of waking up, getting up and showing up. 16 days in, I’m becoming more conscious of each present moment. Waking up this morning, I took care to unfurl my curled up limbs, wiggle my toes and shake out my fisted hands. Blood flow eased the tension and aches. I realigned my body, head stacked atop of squared shoulders, hips beneath, etc. all the way down to my toes. Next, I did a cleansing out breath, followed by the 4-7-8 breathing exercise. Last, I adjust my attitude before getting out of bed to start the day.

16 days into this Ultimate Blog Challenge, I’ve lived up to my commitment. I’ve written every day, though I have posted 2 days in one post. Some days life calls and I have to answer. It’s all about priority and balance. I have stuck to my one egg only for breakfast except once a week when I swim in the morning. I would have breakfast after at 10 am. I would treat myself to toast and eggs.

Speaking of volatility and impermanence, the sunny day had turned cloudy. I became like Sheba, sensing the change in the atmospheric energy. I became anxious, my head cloudy and heavy. I would not be able to work myself out of a wet paper bag. I had to give up my effort at finishing this post and sorting my paper clutter. It would be wasting time and reinforcing the idea that I’m useless and hopeless.

Instead, I thought of things I could do. My mother was expecting me for her “medicinal soup” at lunch time. It was a bit early but my car is running low on gas. Why don’t I gas up first on the way? I need a few things I could get at London Drugs which is on the way. I could drop off some old used batteries for recycling there, too. Oh yes, I have a letter to mail. Maybe there’s a mailbox nearby.

I’m happy to say missions completed. Even though it was cloudy, I still felt better getting out the door. I felt somewhat apprehensive and shaky. I took care driving. It took 2 tries at the gas pump to get my correct password for my credit card. Sometimes that happens on my good days, too. I did all my stuff at London Drugs and found a mailbox outside Staples next door. My mom’s soup was delicious and nourishing. We had a good visit. She gave me some ginger candy. I came home and had an apple. Sheba got some rice and my apple peels. My auto insurance company left a voice message with the info to complete a form I didn’t know how to fill.

All is well with a light shower. The earth needs another drink.

 

THE STORM, SHEBA AND SLEEP

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We had another thunderstorm last evening. The rain hammered fiercely on the roof. It was noisy. Sheba was either too tired from the night before or else she was not bothered by the energy of this storm. She did perked up from her pillow, wandered about warily, going to the door, listening to the rain and thunder. But she did settled back on her pillow after some reassurance and petting.

The rain stopped before bedtime. We went to bed and all had a good night’s sleep. Not a peep from Sheba. How wonderful sleep felt after a night without. It is the best medicine. I felt strung out all day yesterday with the kind of tired that doesn’t let you sleep. I was a walking zombie for lack of a better description. It felt like somebody had died. It felt like a depression. I felt like behaving badly. I didn’t because I knew better.

I’m not one who rises singing. I felt like it this morning. But my lack of sleep the other night still affected my mood through the day. It went in and out. I felt pesky and irritated at times, wanting to act out. I didn’t but accepted my moodiness. I let myself feel whatever came up. I didn’t squish or squash them. They were left to do a slow simmer inside while I behaved my best on the outside. I am becoming a good Buddhist. Thank you, Pema Chodron for your wisdom.

It’s a beautiful day after the 2 rains. The temperature is perfect, with a light breeze. I could sit on the deck in the middle of afternoon. It was wonderful in my outdoor studio, painting my little index cards. Sheba is always nearby, the birds chirping in the cedars and I have my cuppa. I take care not to dip my brushes in it instead of the water. I sometimes struggle with the prompts for Daisy Yellow ICAD Challenge. But today they just came. It was so much fun, so satisfying.

Now it is getting to be almost 9 in the evening. It is still light, a splash of pale sun against the garage wall. It is so calm, a mellow yellow and tender evening. I can sit here and gaze at it forever if it lasts. But soon the light will disappear. Dusk will come, followed by the dark of the night. It is time for me to finish though it feels like I have a ton of conversation left in me. Nothing exciting or profound. They’re just the little stuff of this ordinary life. They’re as elusive as the butterfly and they fly away as quickly. I will have to wait for another day to catch them again.

AFTER THE STORM

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I did not get much sleep last night after all. But then I was not completely sleepless either. Sheba continued to be restless through the night, pacing, whimpering, and wanting in and out of the house. I talked and stroked her in between, trying to lengthen each period of calm. I remained relax, acting confident, assuring her everything was ok. I listened to Tara Brach’s podcast on my iPhone. It was an appropriate topic – The Path of Spiritual Surrender. But I can’t tell you the gist of it this morning. My mind is completely blank. It’s something I would hope for through meditation. So it’s not all bad.

Remaining calm and acting normal helped Sheba and myself as well. There had been flashes of lightning in the early part of the night but no thunder. The house was hot so most of the windows were opened. I was drifting off to sleep when the storm broke. It was furious, the wind and rain, thunder and lightning. The doors to the bathroom and bedroom slammed shut. Sheba came scampering to me, quivering. After closing the windows, we settled back in bed. I could hear her panting on her cushion. It was after 3:30 am. She felt the storm before it came.

We are none the worse for the night. We got up at our usual time, though probably not as spry. The garden got a good soaking. The raised beds are a bit soggy with the excessive water dripping from the drains. The rain barrels got refilled. The lettuce and carrots got a little flattened, but they’ve recovered. Already it is hot with the sun shining brightly. If not for the puddles of water and the dirt and debris from the fast and hard driving rain, you would not suspect there had been a thunder storm.

We’ve have had our morning constitutional walk. Now I am enjoying another cuppa in my outdoor space before it gets too hot. Sheba is catching up on her sleep. There’s a hum of a lawnmower and the whoosh of traffic. Above them, the birds are serenading me. It’s a beautiful Sunday morning. I have no wants but the present moment.

I’ve been reading a little bit of Pema Chondron’s writings every day. Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change contains wisdom I need. The wisdom soaks in, little by little every day. Understanding is the key to change. When I finally ‘get it’, it is illuminating. No wonder they call it a ‘lightbulb moment’. Understanding can and has eased my anguish over many things. I am more at peace with myself and the world. That is not to say I GOT IT and that is the end of the story.

No, I’m still struggling. The struggle never ends. When it does, I think that’s when life is over. I’m struggling still, but I am kinder to myself. I cut myself some slack. I try not to take ownership of everything, good or bad. I am not that powerful. I am not God. I’m more awake, more engaged, more interested, more eager. I am committed in living a meaningful, in the moment life. I will keep on brainstorming and learning in this, my own creative space.

 

 

TWISTS AND TURNS

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I had my passport photos done this morning. Hallelujah! “Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There’s a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” Forgive my little outburst of Leonard Cohen’s verse from Anthem. How could I help it? Such perfect lines. I want to be the author.

I am one step closer to getting my passport and to travelling to a foreign country if the desire or need comes up. I’m surprised that starting this process does stir up the juices. I am no longer feeling lazy and as complacent with my status quo. My interest is peaked and my vitality increased. I’ve gone as far as to visiting and talking with a travel agent.

So that was Friday. Was that only yesterday? Seemed so long ago. So many twists and turns to the day(s). I just have to twist, turn and sometimes shout with them. Sheba is in one of her moods. She is pacing here and there, wants to go out, then wants to come in, yips and cries. It is hard to tell if it is anxiety or something else. If only dogs can talk. I hope she will settle down soon. I hope she will let me sleep tonight.

It is like tending a baby or a patient. They’re fussing because they are uncomfortable. I will have to do the best I can. I remember having such a patient. It had to be on a night shift when staff was minimal. The patient was a young 30ish woman with lupus. She was having an anxiety attack and wanted me to sit with her for awhile. And so I did but I could only do it for a short time. I had a patient load of 12 patients. She got more stressed and distressed as soon as I left. Of course, her blood pressure and other symptoms escalated. I phoned the resident on call. He came, read her chart, but did not go to see the patient.

This went on and on. The patient called her mother in to sit with her. I felt very bad and helpless. I told the resident that it wasn’t right for him to just read her chart. He needed to have hands on. His story was that he was advised by a colleague to be careful that this patient’s needs and demands doesn’t eat him alive. True, we have to have boundaries but this was poorly handled. I felt that if he had spent some time with her, it would have saved a lot of chaos for all of us. She got herself so worked up that I had to move her into the Observation Unit.

I’m remembering all this with Sheba now. So here I am, tapping by candlelight (joking). It soothes me. It must soothe her, too. She’s laying quietly on her pillow beside me. I will stay up awhile longer. Let her relax a bit. If need, I guess I can sleep on the Lazy Boy or loveseat. I hate to move and get her all antsy again. She and I had been sleepless for one week one time. We both don’t want a repeat performance. So TLC with firmness.

This is for day 12 and 13 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I wanted to do better but too many twists and turns. Oops, Sheba just got up. I hope she’s ready for bed and not fussing.