Tag Archives: life

WHEN MY MIND WON’T CO-OPERATE

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I’ve finally got Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Russell A. Barkley from the library yesterday. I was eager to dive into it this morning but my mind would not let me. I feel aggitated and distracted. I have this urge to skip this, that and jump ahead. Obviously this is not a good time. I have to lay it aside when my mind is more quiet and receptive. This time is better suited for following up on my to-do list.

  • Giving a full feedback on Minna’s post on Suddenly Mad.
  • Activating my new Costco credit card.
  • Filing the papers from Sheba’s vet visit yesterday. I was happy to see that she had lost a kg. of weight from last year. I had thought she had gained.
  • Starting this post.
  • Introducing brushing her teeth to Sheba. She has some gingivitis. It would save expensive vet bill and her teeth. I put some peanut butter on my finger and let her lick it. Then I start putting my finger into her mouth and feeling her gums. All successful. Then I wrapped we gauze on my finger and put peanut butter on the gauze. She balked at first but the peanut butter won her over. I was able to rub my gauzed finger on her gums for a few seconds. Enough for first day.

Well, it is the end of day, a day devoted to the physical and practical. Nothing at all creative or spiritual. They were hard to do, want to procrastinate and avoid kind of chores. The biggest was getting Sheba washed, buffed and smelling like a rose. It was not easy. It was not hard. It was what it was, the wetting, soaping, rinsing and shaking all over.  Then there was the cleanup after. That was the nastiest. But I’ve got it down to a science. It was much easier than the previous time. AND she is looking like a queen, smelling like rose.

 

NO PYRAMID SCHEMES ANYMORE

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It’s late in the day. Another different beginning to this 10th post of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It’s still the beginning of the month. It feels like it should be the end. That’s what a busy full day does to my mind. My head feels like a ball of barbed wire. Try watching that thought like a cloud floating in the sky! But I shall take a deep breath and let it out in a slow exhale. That’s better. I can loosen that ball of wire a bit.

I find most of life a bit of sweat. This morning it was but it was a good one, stepping high on the bench. It got my heart pumping and the endorphins circulating. Life feels good. It was followed by 20 minutes of strength training. Who could ask for anything more?

Now it is evening. I am tired from the day, the afternoon at the vet with Sheba and our usual walk when we got home. She likes her walk and I cannot deny her. It is good for both of us.

I’m still on track with 20 minutes of meditation in the morning. I had a few minutes to spare after to transplant the leggy broccoli seedlings into new pots. I’m dealing with each day’s mail as they come. I’m filing my little bits of paper, not letting them pile up like a pyramid. I am slowly making progress and changing my ways. Now it’s time to call it a day.

 

PERSPIRATION VS INSPIRATION

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May 9th, the 9th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Beginnings are challenging. I’m not inspired this morning. Instead of sitting here, staring into space, thinking about how to make my first tap, the first letter, word, sentence, I move in the direction of things calling to be done. The bathroom floor is the loudest but the least attractive. I heed the advice of doing the hardest thing first. After vacuuming the mats, I washed that square inch of floor. I don’t understand my feelings of ‘hard to do’ stuff. They are not hard at all except in my mind. Knowing and acknowledging that makes each time easier.

Having done that and a few other chores, I am trying to tap my heart out. I am hit with a wave of sleeping sickness. I will try to keep my eyes open and search for a bit of inspiration. I think mostly it is born out of perspiration, the hard work of chipping away at something. It’s like my patchwork tablecloth. It began years ago with sewing squares together. I was just making use of the fabric remnants I had picked up at the closing of a drapery and upholstery store years ago.

It was years before I had bought my Bernina sewing machine with an embroidery module. My purpose for it was not the machine embroidery. I was inspired by artistry of the quilters at the Saskatoon Quilters Guild Quilt Show in 2017. I was determined to get one those fancy dancy machines on display. By golly I did that December. It was so fancy I had to let it sit in the box for awhile before tackling it. I watched many tutorials on how to use the self threader before I could latch onto it. It was many hours watching tutorials before I could even understand the manual. I was happy to sew just a straight seam. I got a high from the sound of the thread cutter. A few months later and lots of perspiration, I was drawing with the needle, my wildest dream come true.

The machine embroidery came much later after more perspiration. It’s another post.

A BIT OF HEAVEN

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So far, so good. Day 8 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. My ultimate goal of blogging is to work out my problems. I’m brainstorming for ideas and solutions. I’m talking out loud through the keyboard. I like the tap, tap of the keys. I like the rhythm. I like flexing my finger muscles. If I’m in flow, they’re like the pistons of a well-oiled engine. I feel the magic then. My fingers are flying across the keyboard. The letters, words and sentences march across the screen. And I’m in heaven, dancing cheek to cheek with Fred Astaire.

Yes, I’m in pretty good form today. I’m experiencing some success, developing some good habits. They’re setting in. I look forward to my meditation each morning. The 20 minutes goes fast. They leave me feeling refreshed even on days when my mind wanders and gads about. That’s the practice. When we wander or err, to come back, to try and try again. It is not about being perfect. If I was, then there would be no need for anything. I can’t quite imagine that. Striving is necessary for an interesting and meanful life.

But it is nice to have a bit of heaven, when everything is running smooth. I can coast a little bit. I’ve been picking up after myself and not dropping things as they are. I’m following up and following through. It only takes minutes sometimes. It saves so much stressing and hair pulling. This morning I saw that the repeat on my medication prescriptions expires on the 19th of this month. I still have a fair amount of time but I called the pharmacy to have them renewed. Then it is out of the way. I’m apt to forget which happens regularly. It’s this kind of little things that can make life easier.

TIME THIS MORNING

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Sunny Sunday morning. Another new day. Another new week. I’m trying to utilize what I know for sure. Mornings are my best time for energy and for tackling hard to do things. It’s not working for me right now. I’m already sleepy eyed, not knowing what to do first. Even my fingers are limp with sleepiness and lethargy. Is it spring fever? What exactly is spring fever? I have never understood the term but I utter it anyways. It sounds good. Here’s what Wikipedia’s definition:

Spring fever is any of a number of mood, physical, or behavioral changes, which may be experienced coinciding with the arrival of spring, particularly restlessness, laziness, and even amorousness.

Laziness fits me the best at the moment. I am trying, fighting against it. Sandman is tugging at my eyes and my head is full of cobwebs. Perhaps another cup of tea is in order.

I’m back with my cuppa. While I was at it, I got out of my pjs and vacuumed 2 rooms while waiting for the water to boil. Living life in small moments do get things done. It’s easier to stay awake, standing up and moving. I continually surprise myself at how much I can do in minutes. I learned that long ago on a slow overnight train from Hiroshima to Tokyo. I found that a 7-minute shower card that came with my cabin was quite adequate for a shower and shampoo. I huffed, puffed and rushed unnecessarily. I had lots of minutes left over.

This morning I spun for a few minutes looking for the card for my appointments at the hearing center. I had put it in a ‘safe’ place. It was a mistake because I have forgotten where that place was. It was much better to leave it in its first resting place. But I did find it without tearing the house apart. This time, I wrote the dates in my notebook for such purposes. I have to remember to do it till it is a habit. I’m still remembering to put my credit card receipts in a little box for matching up with monthly statements.

 

 

REBIRTH THROUGH FAILURE

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It’s getting late in the day. I haven’t put down any thoughts or words on this 5th day of April. I was flipping through one my many journals this morning. I found these two undated sentences.

“Even if you are justified, you must remain dignified. Failure is a rebirth to change.”

It seems that I’m always troubled, have always struggled and searched for a better way of being. There mustn’t have been a time when life was carefree. Surprisingly enough, I am experiencing a rare peaceful moment now. Ever since I have been working, my goal was Freedom Fifty-five, a slogan I picked up from London Life, my insurer at the time.

It is late again on this 6th day of May. Another failure. I didn’t quite finished my thoughts and words yesterday. It shows I’m more relaxed, not having the need to do everything, be everything. I’ve obtained another freedom – the need to be perfect. I don’t have to succeed in everything I do. Sometimes failure is the best thing. It can be a rebirth to change, to try different ways and different things. I did succeed getting to the pool this morning though. I swam my 10 laps. I’ve lost my lone ownership to it. I had to share it with 5 other people. I’ve had it all winter. I can share. The water is not quite as smooth and peaceful but I’m happy to have the company.

 

 

YESTERDAY’S TOMORROW IS TODAY

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It’s not true that tomorrow never comes. It has. It is today. I am proud to say that I’ve pulled myself up by the bootstraps. I live in the moment each moment – for the morning at least. I had wondered how I was going to get my head out of the clouds into clear sailing. I could not give into my natural state of “I’ll do it tomorrow”. Too many tomorrows have passed. I’ve wound up like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, waking up to the same tune, day after day. I’m sick of it.

I am the most energized, optimistic and happy in the morning. That being, it would be the best time to tackle what I deemed difficult and unpleasant tasks like bills and other paper crap. I dragged out my container and bag full of receipts. I circled the dates on each one, the easier to match my monthly Master Card statements. It seems like an arduous task but I did finished 7 statements. Of course, there’s a good possibility of more receipts showing up. I do not have the habit of keeping things in one place – yet. And I’ve started a notebook to jot down things I need to do and dates to keep track of. I have 3 items on it.

I decided that was enough for today. Trying to straighten out everything in one day would invite disaster. I’m keeping in mind to find logical homes for things so that I’m not forever taking the house apart searching. It is now time to give things a rest. It is now 5:35 pm. Time to let go, relax and have a glass of wine. There’s a time for everything.

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY

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April 3. I’m plodding along like Big Foot, dragging a heavy load. Life feels heavy. I’m trying to do my paper work. It’s an agonizing chore for me. I’ve got the bills paid but I’m not good at all dealing with sorting, discarding, and filing things away. Income tax return is due at the end of the month. My head feels like it’s full of nettles. I want to bang it on the desk. Ugh! But I shall bear the pain and breathe through it. Tomorrow is another day.

How many times have I utter that phrase? Probably more than Scarlett O’hara. I better snap out of my smart remarks, get a grip, sit down and devise a workable system of dealing with my paper stuff. How much time and energy have I wasted letting things pile up again and again? Probably tons.  Each time I have to dig around to find and figure out where, when and what had happened. I have a log book where I keep track of my bill payments each month. It’s working well. I’m seldom late. Perhaps I should keep a log of my other activities such as health appointments, meetings with the banker, etc. At least it would be contained in one place. I would not be hunting for scraps of paper each time.

Then there’s my tendency to toss things on the diningroom table. I never open the mail right away. If I do, I seldom deal with it then. I leave everything till – whenever. I have to cut that out. I have to deal with things right away or it doesn’t get done. I have to train my brain to do it even if it is uncomfortable. Egad! I have had enough now. Tomorrow is another day.

 

 

MAKING BREAD

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April 2, the day after Fools Day, the second day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It is well into the evening. I’m almost ready to call it a day but I have not put down many words. I have not made a great beginning at all. The desire is in me. I’m lacking in get up and go but I’m pecking away on my keyboard.

I haven’t been resting on my laurels at all. I’ve been busy as a bee all morning,  making bread and soup for lunch. Bread is something I’m good at now. I make 6 loaves at a time. I have the recipe and measurements etched on my brain. I have all the steps down pat. No need to look up anything.

  1. In large bowl – 6 cups of warm water, 2/3 cup honey, 8 teaspoon yeast. Stir to dissolve.
  2. Stir in 8 cups unbleached flour. Let sit and rise for 30 minutes.
  3. Stir into mixture 2/3 cup honey, 2 tablespoon salt, 6 tablespoon butter. Gradually add and mix in 9 cups of whole wheat flour. Place dough on lightly floured table and knead till well mixed and feels slightly sticky.
  4. Shape dough into a ball and placed in greased bowl, rolling it around bowl until dough is greased. Covered and poof for an hour in oven.
  5. Take dough out and place on table surface. Punch it down and divide into 6 loaves. Put into greased pans. Covered in oven and poof for 40 minutes.
  6. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Bake for 30 minutes.
  7. Lightly butter each loaf on top. Take loaves out of pans. Cool on rack.

I have failed only once. The water was too hot and killed the yeast. It was not really a failure. The dough made many doggy biscuits for Sheba and delicious flat bread for us. Nothing was wasted. Failure of one thing morphed into a success of another kind. Not a great post but it’s a good practice for writing up steps and directions for making bread. Another day, another post.

ON ANY GIVEN DAY

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April Fools’ Day and first day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. The participants are called upon to write a post a day for the month. I am still on standby mode, having difficulty to move boldly forward. I am hoping the challenge will snap me to attention and breathe some life into me. I have such difficulties with all of life on any given day. But I do try my best on most days.

I do not always succeed to rise above myself. Therefore I’ve learned to accept my failings as well. I do not stay down though. I do rise like the Phoenix from the ashes of my failures. I take the lessons learned and apply them to my new endeavours. Each day is a new beginning, a new slate. A failure is an experience, gained knowledge and wisdom. Nothing is wasted. Every effort is rewarded somehow. I am never hopeless.

What are some of my lessons learned?

  1. I am not a high energy person. I cannot multi task. I cannot take on too much on any given day. It is wasted time and energy if I do.
  2. I have an ADHD brain. It is just a great
  3. big mess. I have problems with executive function – especially in  managing paperwork and finances, creating schedules and meeting deadlines, checking details and tracking progress, ensuring consistent, steady, uniform output.
  4. I know what I’m suppose to do. I just can’t do it. I need to sit down and write out a plan. I just haven’t done it yet. I need to start small to get going.

I’ve probably said all this last month. I’ve said it again this month. There’s no better time to actually do it than the present time. April is the hardest and cruelest month, a month of challenges, goal setting and doing what I said I would.