Tag Archives: learning

LEARNING TO BE A WANNA BE

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Wednesday and I am wandering the hallowed halls of learning. I feel more at ease amid the crowd of young people now than when I was young. I feel oddly out of place among my peers. Am I denying that I’m of age? Am I a wanna be? Seems like I’m always out of step with the world. I’m the sore thumb that sticks out.

Yes, I guess I do want to be a wanna be. That’s the reason for taking this class on Buddhism. I want to know how to be happy and content. I want to know how to go about the world, to feel peaceful with myself, to have a purpose, to be kind, generous, to have all those positive attributes and none of the flaws. I know that’s asking too much so I try to quell these desires and quiet my mind.

I wish that I could come to my keyboard a little earlier in the day. My mind would have been sharper. But it seems that I have to live my day before I could find the words. So now I try to do the best I can, to focus and impart the lesson I’ve learned, the jewel of my day.

I’ve noticed lately that I have terrible trouble with focusing. It’s been getting worse and worse. Sometimes I don’t hear or is it that I can’t listen? My mind is always somewhere else out there – even when I’m ‘meditating’. I realized today that I could use this class to bring my mind back – to this moment, to the classroom, to all what the professor is saying. It won’t be easy. I have to make it a practice.

It is late. Time to say good night to day 22 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

 

LET IT BE PRO RE NATA

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I was so delighted by all that sunshine this morning. All the heaviness fell off my body. It helped too that I had a healthy dose of sleep last night – almost nine hours. AND the fact that I’m not that mouse on the tread wheel screaming: I have to fix it! I have to fix it! Yesterday, I gave myself permission to languish prn. Prn comes from the Latin ‘pro re nata’ meaning when necessary.

It’s the nurse in me coming out, though I am no longer a nurse. I’ve hung up my cap and taken off my duty shoes. Old memories are still alive and kicking around somewhere in my body and soul. The memories are ok. Some are good. Some are not but they all can stay. They all contributed to the sum total of who I am today. It is time to let go of the duty part though. It is always the right thing to help one another if I can. It is not my duty to fix anything, anyone or even myself. Just listen and let be. I have to knock the duty part off and have a happy retirement like my cake says.

It’s taken me a frigging long time to arrive here – 6 years post retirement. I’m not complaining. I’m marvelling. It’s been such an interesting journey. I’m feeling the lightness and weightlessness after dropping some self-taken burdens. What a dork! I could kick myself around the block but I won’t. I know we all have moments like these. We don’t know what we don’t know. We will when we’re ready.

Happy Thursday. Now I have to take Sheba around a few blocks, a happy self-imposed duty.

AFTER THE STORM

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I did not get much sleep last night after all. But then I was not completely sleepless either. Sheba continued to be restless through the night, pacing, whimpering, and wanting in and out of the house. I talked and stroked her in between, trying to lengthen each period of calm. I remained relax, acting confident, assuring her everything was ok. I listened to Tara Brach’s podcast on my iPhone. It was an appropriate topic – The Path of Spiritual Surrender. But I can’t tell you the gist of it this morning. My mind is completely blank. It’s something I would hope for through meditation. So it’s not all bad.

Remaining calm and acting normal helped Sheba and myself as well. There had been flashes of lightning in the early part of the night but no thunder. The house was hot so most of the windows were opened. I was drifting off to sleep when the storm broke. It was furious, the wind and rain, thunder and lightning. The doors to the bathroom and bedroom slammed shut. Sheba came scampering to me, quivering. After closing the windows, we settled back in bed. I could hear her panting on her cushion. It was after 3:30 am. She felt the storm before it came.

We are none the worse for the night. We got up at our usual time, though probably not as spry. The garden got a good soaking. The raised beds are a bit soggy with the excessive water dripping from the drains. The rain barrels got refilled. The lettuce and carrots got a little flattened, but they’ve recovered. Already it is hot with the sun shining brightly. If not for the puddles of water and the dirt and debris from the fast and hard driving rain, you would not suspect there had been a thunder storm.

We’ve have had our morning constitutional walk. Now I am enjoying another cuppa in my outdoor space before it gets too hot. Sheba is catching up on her sleep. There’s a hum of a lawnmower and the whoosh of traffic. Above them, the birds are serenading me. It’s a beautiful Sunday morning. I have no wants but the present moment.

I’ve been reading a little bit of Pema Chondron’s writings every day. Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change contains wisdom I need. The wisdom soaks in, little by little every day. Understanding is the key to change. When I finally ‘get it’, it is illuminating. No wonder they call it a ‘lightbulb moment’. Understanding can and has eased my anguish over many things. I am more at peace with myself and the world. That is not to say I GOT IT and that is the end of the story.

No, I’m still struggling. The struggle never ends. When it does, I think that’s when life is over. I’m struggling still, but I am kinder to myself. I cut myself some slack. I try not to take ownership of everything, good or bad. I am not that powerful. I am not God. I’m more awake, more engaged, more interested, more eager. I am committed in living a meaningful, in the moment life. I will keep on brainstorming and learning in this, my own creative space.

 

 

WHEN THINGS FALL APART

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Some days are harder to show up than others. I meant to come yesterday. When that didn’t happen I was trying for this morning but somehow I lost my way here. Distractions, thoughts, feelings, putting off and avoidance all contribute. It is always so much easier to go with the flow, not commit and not show up. But I am finally here in the after glow of supper and wine.

I have to admit that I’m feeling the boogeyman again.He shows up now and again. I’m awashed with the heebie jeebies. I’m ok though. I’m not off and running away to anywhere. I tell myself to stay. It’s just sensations.  I’ve been practicing and applying mindfulness. It’s such synchronicity that I am reading Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart at this time, too. She tells us that fear and anxiety are all part of being human along with all the other emotions. They all serve a purpose. I am learning to see my feelings in a different way, trying not to label them as good or bad and not trying to rid them.  I am the guest house as in Rumi’s poem.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

I could say that I have been falling apart for quite awhile now. I do not consider it a bad thing. There was great pain with the shattering of what I was that no longer worked. Pain is a great teacher. It is also very cleansing. It sweeps out all the debris. After the pain subsides, I feel such sweetness and I can see so much clearer. It is a time for reconstructing, putting back the parts of myself that I like and the parts that works. This is not to say that I will live happily ever after or that the boogeyman is vanquished forever. I am sure there will be more falling apart. The next time the boogeyman comes, I will think of him as Mr. Sandman. He is less edgy and much more friendly.

SELF ANALYSIS

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It’s another Saturday. I’m still on my sabbatical from my Saturday morning swim. I’ve given in to my natural state of inertia. It’s nice to have a rest and enjoy the nothingness of a weekend morning. I was tempted to resist all physical efforts but the stiffness from yesterday’s tabata workout urged me to do my qigong routine. I was happy that I could overcome my resistance. I’m loosened and more relaxed for the rest of the day.

I want to get back into the swim next week or my inertia could go on forever. I am like that. A reminder that I have two big credit card bills coming due motivated me to settle them right after breakfast. It’s a wise move to do the hard things first. It lifts that burden so my mind is not preoccupied with it all day. I have learned some things in April. They’re working for me. I’m gaining small pockets of organization here and there. I am pleased. I have worked hard last month. It’s time to sit back a little and not be so uptight about everything.

But I know myself. I’m a bit anal. I am obsessive by nature. If something grabs my attention, it is difficult for me to do small doses at a time. So now that I’ve identified this trait in me, I’ll probably obsesse about correcting it. I guess it is not a bad thing but I will try to modify myself. I never run out of goals. I’m a self-improvement junkie. I think it is in my genes but at least it is not about drugs.

I’ve really enjoyed the free version of The Brain Change Summit presented by Sounds True. Brain health is another of my obsessions. I didn’t have time and energy to catch them all but was happy to catch the one on the Alzheimer’s Solution by Dr. Dean and Ayesha Sherzai. It was an excellent presentation with no magic cures/pills. The solution is more about prevention. I shall add their book to my list of readings. Enough muttering for now. Time for a little down time with Kinsey Millhone in O is for Outlaw.

 

 

 

 

TOO MUCH INFORMATION

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Hallelujah, I’ve completed my tax return! All I have to do now is check, optimize and push the submit button. I get a grand total of $44.58 back! I had to give them some dollars a few times during the year. I do not have alot of deductions and write offs. I am happy to give to the government in good faith and trust that they will make good use of it for all our benefits. It’s naive of me but what else can I do? It’s a relief to get this chore off my shoulders. Now I can relax and enjoy the day. I still have some minutes to tap a few words before the Brain Change Summit begins.

A few words is all I can manage sometimes. It’s not all that easy to change my thoughts on a dime. Ideas and words are slow in coming. I have to ease into it. So in the meantime, I take care of some other business like brushing Sheba’s teeth. She’s letting me get into her mouth with my finger and massage her gum and teeth. The peanut butter flavoured toothpaste helps. Next is her ears. She balks at the sight of the ear wash bottle. I try to minimize stress anthe d increase ease with dampened cottonballs. It’s a short quick clean. Too long and she starts clicking her teeth at me. Her ears will get a good clean with her monthly maybe longer bath.

It is evening now and I am tired. There is such a thing as too much information. I’ve listened to 2 sessions of the Brain Change Summit. Session 1 was on healing the broken brain. Session 2 – the neuroscience of resilience through compassion . They’re very interesting subjects, but I can handle and hold only so much. Now my brain needs a rest. It’s all a-buzz with too much noise and stuff. It’s time to tune out and let go of everything. Tomorrow is another day.

HICCOUGHS

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I have to tell you, I’m having more than a few hiccoughs in 2019 and it’s only April. There’s 8 more months to go but who is counting? I’ve been here many times before. I’ve learned it’s best to accept the hiccoughs instead of fighting them. It takes some effort each time. I’m accepting that, too, because that’s how I am. It’s like doing the backstroke in a rocky swimming pool. There’s no smooth gliding. I’m tossed about. I’m not a good swimmer and I start panicking when water floods my face and up my nose. I have to rein myself in from  thrashing wildly about, gain control and float through the waves.

I’m doing just that through this recent hiccough. Who knows what poked the tip of the iceberg. Do I still have hormones? Then there’s the weather, the clouds, winds, dip or rise of temperature along with the atmospheric pressure. Whatever. It does not matter. I’m out of balance, my mood can change on a dime, I can’t sleep, things don’t get done. It feels like weeks long but it is only a couple of days. Life feels like a wreck. I feel like a wreck.

I sound like a wreck, too, but I’ve changed a thing or two. I can almost stop my thoughts and feelings on a dime. I said almost. Now whenever those bad thoughts and feelings come up, I see a stop sign coming at me. I feel that hand pushing me back. STOP! And I do for a minute or two. Huh! I have to roll that around my mind and decide what is best to think, feel and speak. Sometimes the best course of action is no action and no words.

Well, I do hope I can sleep a little better tonight. Maybe I can practice doing the backstroke in my mind to send me off into dreamland. But what will be, will be. The future is not ours to see. Que sera, sera.

FEARS, CURIOSITIES AND PASSIONS

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January 6, 2019  6:44 pm

I’m late to the keyboard and hardpressed for words. I’m too full of the day’s activities. My head is full of ‘stuff’. I’m trying not to multi task, doing too much in one day. But when the going is good, when there is flow, I hate to stop. So here I am, a bit stuck and tongue tied. I just need a few minutes and a couple of taps and I’ll be ready to go.

Shortly before Christmas, I accidentally stumbled onto Suddenly Mad, Minna Packer’s blog about her early onset Alzheimer’s. It’s a fascinating and educational read for me. I somehow could relate to some of what she has gone/is going through. I don’t have the disease but her anxiety was familiar to me. I have a great admiration for her effort to put it out there for us. It not only helps me understand the disease more but it’s teaching me to live a better life. Have a read to see if it does the same for you.

I have always have a curiosity and passion for the mind, body and spirit. Minna has given me an even stronger desire to understand our brain and how to keep it healthy and strong. I suppose I had this sense of invincibility in my youth. I stayed up late, drank tons of coffee and smoked. This was even before I was a nurse. When I became a nurse, I was even worse, though I did stop smoking. It is surprising how much abuse our body can take.

Things caught up to me in retirement. I had time to fall apart then. It was a very difficult couple of years. I’m on the other side now. It does feel like I’ve stepped out of the cloud into the light. Now I can feel ease and pleasures whereas before I only felt anxiety and fear. I have a greater appreciation of my time here on earth.

I take care that I get enough sleep. I do get an occasional sleepless night. I’m learning not to stress too much about it when it happens. Aerobic exercise has been my best friend. It cleared my brain fog after a couple of weeks. Helps me sleep better, too. I’m still working on my emotional health. I’m such a reactonary. I need to be a responder instead. Life is not static. No matter where on the road we are, there’s learning always.

It is getting late. I have to close for this 6th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ll be back tomorrow. Good night.

NO PAIN, NO GAIN

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December 1, 2018 5:18 pm

I’ve been absent for a few days, wrapped up in my table cloth and my Bernina embroidery machine. I did not think I would like programmed creativity but I have fallen in love with it. I sit and watch how the needle is travelling back and forth and across the cloth. I listen to its soft rhythmic chug chug, like the marching of tiny feet across the hoop. It is soothing, mesmerizing and addictive. I’m just realizing what an awesome machine I have. It has amazing capabilities. I’m just past the beginning where I can make it go. There’s so much more to learn. I hope I have enough time.

It’s the first of December. How time flies. It’s almost a year since I got my Bernina. I shall not lack things to do this winter. I will have no time to mope or despair. The mechanics of how to use all its features will crowd out all the garbage of my mind. I will be emptying all old and corrupt files and opening new ones. I will fill them with optimism, joy and all things good. I hope all the new activities will help me grow more grey matters and telomeres.  I hope my mind will be more peaceful and I can think better. I hope it will help me to be a better person.

This morning was tough. It was dark as can be. It’s Saturday, my swim day. My body and mind were in unison, crying their pain and reluctance of not wanting to go. I overrode them both. I did not listen to them. I chanted: Got to go. Got to go. in my head. I knew that once out the door I will be fine. I felt the pain but thought of the gain. I thought of the warm water enveloping me as I step into the pool and glide down its length effortlessly. And so it was. I was relaxed and weightless. My backstroke was perfect. I felt the pull with each reach of my arms. I thought of Bruce Lee and his philosophy of ‘be like the water.’

 

LIMPING TOWARDS BLISS

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I have to admit I am wilting in the heat of the weather and the stress of life. I pull no punches, pretending I live in La La Land. I have a pot of tumeric tea brewing, the fan oscillating in my writing space and counting my blessings. I’m grateful for seeing my mother this morning. She is feeling well and independent in her own home. She made soup for me. She also shared with me her gifted sticky rice. I am happy that she has such friends. They know she has limitations and is looking out for her. I have tears of happiness for her bounty of caring friends.

I wish the same for myself. I have alot to learn yet. I have not seen enough of the world or life. One thing I know for sure is, I can’t fight the heat. I can only limp along with however much strength it allows me. And it was tough last night. Sheba and I limped along well after the supper hour. It was very slow going in the heat and humidity of the evening. But we DID make it to the Dairy Queen. My furbaby behaved like a proper queen, behaving, not barking up a storm or jumping. We shared a hot fudge sundae, taking care she gets none of the chocolate. Next time I have to ask for an extra spoon for her. It was kind of messy using my finger.

What else can I say on another hot day in July? Life is not perfect. It is not a bowl of cherries. I have a fan. I have AC. I have Sheba. I have myself. My garden is doing fantastic. There’s a bird nesting in the grapevines. It’s still there. I’ve just scared it out of its nest with my curiosity. I still have all those bills yet to be paid. But I have a few days of grace yet. Oh yes. I like to attend Mass this afternoon. I hope I’m brave enough. It’s been a long while and it’s difficult to return. I feel like the prodigal daughter.

My path

To help me along, I could get dressed and be ready. If I make it or not, I have set out the intention. What I have learned is that there is no forcing. You can’t force yourself or anyone else in doing what is not felt right. I will just have to limp along towards the promised land. That is also progress.