INSPIRATION FROM A JESUIT IN RUSSIA

Posted on by
Reply

It’s almost 4 in the afternoon. I’ve just sat down with my instant coffee. What I would like to do is have a little snack and watch an episode of Miss Marple. The trouble is I’ve signed up for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have a blog post to write. This is only day 3. Too early to skip out. I can keep it simple though. AND this is the start of the 3rd week of cutting back on food. A little snack here and there adds up. I like to make a serious effort for a month and make an assessment of how to proceed.

I didn’t forget my online class this morning like I did last week. It was the last one on the rise and fall of Mussolini. History is very interesting and Mussolini is a fascinating man. I am sure that there is so much more to learn than what can be covered in 8 2-hour classes. I’m learning about another fascinating though not as widely known man in history. He is Fr. Walter Cisek. He was an American Jesuit priest who spent 23 years in the Soviet Union. 18 of those years were as a prisoner and 15 of those years in the labour camps of Siberia.

I’m not quite halfway through his book, With God in Russia. It was a recommendation from Caroline Myss. She talks about it on many of her lectures. I knew it was a must read for me. I had reserved it from our library. It took almost a year for me to finally get it. And I would say that it came at a most apporpriate time. Talk about faith, challenges and strength. I think it would be a good read for those anti-maskers and covid deniers. I like to hear them talk about how the government is trying to take away their freedom after they have read the book.

Now I have to have a little snack. I feel a sugar low coming. I would not fare well in a labour camp. Who knows though until I find myself in that situation. Fr. Cisek himself admitted that he was a hoodlum and a bully when he was young. Then he got the call and he answered it and never wavered, not even for a second. Not even as a prisoner in Russia. I have heard a similar call a few years back. I answered, too and have kept faith in my own way. But I do have a lot to learn from Fr. Cisek.

NOW THE MIDDLE

Posted on by
2

I used to write flash fiction on Friday Fictioneers. It’s a writing challenge presented by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. It’s a story of a 100 words to a photo prompt. My purpose in doing it was to hone my writing skill, to say what I need to without excessive words. Each story had a beginning, a middle and an ending. Each part has equal importance and equal difficulty. Now that I’ve made a beginning, let me see if I can sustain the middle. Maybe by the end, I will haved honed my living skills to a T.

Online challenges are easy to start for me because I choose the ones I like. For the most part, I have completed most of them. Right now I am a little behind with the100dayproject of sewing a quilt block a day. I made up a bit with 2 blocks this morning. Since I’m trying to divorce myself from my iPhone, I left it upstairs. I got over an hour of uninterrupted sewing. That’s one way of freeing myself from that appendage for awhile. It is not an easy task. I get phantom pains. It doesn’t help that I’ve joined a greenhouse and garden online group. It’s a double edged sword. On one hand it is nice to connect, learn and share experiences with other greenhouse gardeners. On the other, it’s distracting and time consuming.

Well, it is almost lunch time. Another beautiful though not as warm day. It’s crazy that it got up to 25℃ yesterday and today’s high is only 11℃. The lows Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday are all in the minuses. I’m become very observant of our temperatures since we got the greenhouse. I wonder if it was so erratic other years. I’m feeling more concern about the future of our planet. However, I shall try not to feel hopeless and despondent about the future. I know I am doing my best to lighten my carbon footprint on this earth.

FIRST DAYS

Posted on by
3

A beautiful morning for the first of May and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve been writing for it for quite a few years now but the first day is always an exciting time. It’s a chance to begin anew and to do better. Though my goal is to post every day, there might be days when it won’t happen. I will give it my best. I’ve set other goals for the month also. They have to do with giving myself more time to savour and enjoy. I’ve been running on empty on that account. There’s goal setting and setting goals. I’ve been on the to ‘accomplish’ these days. I seldom just do nothing. There’s that gadget I’m attached to. It’s like an appendage – the smartphone.

It does not allow me much rest time. They, whoever they are, are very smart at getting me and otheres addicted. I want to get free of this. I am sure that it adds to my forgetfulness and inattentiveness. I no longer feel like I need to remember anything. I can google for anything, right? Yes, I do google alot, but I’m finding that my memory muscle as well as my attention muscle are shot. It’s hard for me to retain anything. I do worry about Alzheimer’s. It’s a reason for me to be proactive now to detach myself a little from the phone and Iternet. Moderation in everything is the best advice.

I’m hoping that my writing every day here will help. I shall have to set aside this time to sit, rest and think about my words. They can open doors to many new and adventurous things. When I am busy doing, doing and doing, I have no opportunity to stand back and assesse. Am I enjoying what I am doing? Does it add to my life? What purpose does it serve? If I stop, what would happen? Enough questions to think about. It is early evening by now. I have been busy doing and doing all afternoon. It was enjoyable and needed doing. That I can tell you.

DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF

Posted on by
4

It’s a bit strange to wake up to +8℃ temperature after all the cool nights and mornings. I’ll take it though. It is the last day in April. I’ve signed up for the May Ultimate Blog Challenge. We (try)write a post a day and share it on the Page. I’m all for connecting and sharing and learning from each other. Lately, I’m finding that we have lost the art and gift of conversation. I am speaking for myself only. I feel that I am in the land of the one hand clapping. Do you know what I mean?

What I mean is that though we are living in this era of social media and technology, I find it harder and harder to be social, communicate and connect. I clap but no one hears. There is no answering echo. Everyone is waiting for everyone else to respond. Maybe it is that I live in my head too much, thinking too much and seeing erroneously. I hope that is the case. I can correct my wandering thoughts and incorrectness. I can send an answering clap.

It is always good to have something to work on. I am not a know-it-all. I am never too old to learn something new. I’m learning that and the true meaning of don’t sweat the small stuff from gardening. This year was the first time I’m germinating seeds between wet paper towel and putting them in the oven with just the light on. This works really well, especially for all kinds of squashes – in 2 to 3 days. Then there were those not so fresh seeds that didn’t work. I give up after a week of damp towelling in a baggy and in the oven. I do take them out of the oven but as usual I leave them laying around. So days, maybe weeks later, when I finally got around to disposing of them, I found that they had germinated!

It was a great learning experience. First, it taught me to be patient. All good things will come in time. Second, it taught me not to sweat the small stuff. It’s all small stuff. Third, I will start my seedlings by germinating seeds this way from now on. It is not even necessary to put them in the oven. I think it will save me space and time. When things don’t work out one way, it opens up new avenues. Walking away from things that won’t work is not giving up. It’s being wise. It saves time in not trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It will mean less head banging and frustrations and more fulfillment. Learning new ways is not easy or fast. I will dedicate the month of the May Ultimate Blog Challenge to that theme.

WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE – SHIT HAPPENS

Posted on by
Reply

What I know for sure is life feel strange and eery these days. Our spring feels cold and wintry one day and hot and summery the next. The nights are still in minus temperatures. We are in the third wave of Covid-19 and variants. The news is not good across our country. In India people are dying in the streets. It’s hard not to feel disheartened, depressed and anxious. I’ve come to accept that I feel things deeply. I’ve become familiar with how my body reacts and have learned how to sit with it all. After all, I’ve been sitting in meditation, listening to the soothing voice of Mark Williams for many years now.

What I know for sure is I can’t do everything. I shouldn’t try but I do sometimes. And I end up being overtired and overwhelmed. Then I get forgetful. I forgot my online class Monday morning. And I forgot to pay a bill. I expect I will be penalized for late payment. What I know for sure is shit happens. I try not to sweat the small stuff. I get up. I move around. I try to do something constructive to break up sweaty thoughts and feelings. These strategies does help to break up bad thoughts and vibes. I try to learn and not repeat my mistakes.

What I know for sure is I’m hard on myself. I’m learning to give myself a break and not overloading what I can handle. It’s okay not to fulfill everything I set out to do at any given time. I have to prioritize and do the important stuff first and not fret over small items. What I know for sure is life is hard. It always has been. We are now on the road less travelled. Are you up for it?

HOPE ETERNAL

Posted on by
4

My days seem so busy now with the greenhouse, seedlings and plantings in the raised beds. It’s difficult to make a regular showing here. It’s best if I do make a concerted effort though. Showing up helps me to prioritize and organize to make best use of my time. It also helps my brain function. So here I am, making an effort and doing the best I can.

It was a cold morning with snow flurries. It continues to be cold with lots of wind but at least the sun made a showing in the afternoon. The greenhouse is toasty warm. All the plants are inhaling and exhaling in ecstasy. I will find a space here to pot up the seedlings when it is cold out. I’m tired of hauling my potting supplies back and forth between the basement and the deck. Yup, the weather is crazily erratic. We can have 3 seasons within a couple of days. I am adapting quickly though.

Only a week and a day till April 30th and Tax Return due date. I shall not worry and fret about it. I will pick a good restful day before then and do it. It’s only worth one day’s worry and work. Then it is done. I will pay my due, feel the hurt and get over with a tap – SENT.

It’s another colder morning. It went down to -12℃ overnight. I’m glad we have the electric heater on a thermostat in the greenhouse. It’s set on low to kick in at 2 or 3℃. Otherwise, everything would be toast. I hope my raised beds are ok. At 8:38 am, it is now -3℃ outside. I’m hopeful. They are under layers. I will check maybe at noon. It will be 2℃ then. Well, our last frost date is June 1-10 according to Vesey’s and May 15 according to the Farmer’s Almanac. It also says that -4.4℃ and colder is considered severe frost with heavy damage to most garden plants. I did add an extra fleece cover over the celery, daikon and brokali last night. Fingers and toes crossed. Hope eternal.

MISS MARPLE TO THE RESCUE

Posted on by
8

I still run away from things. When the tough gets going, I do, too. When it is just too damn hard, I don’t give up. I give in. There’s no use in getting my panties in a knot and my head in a temper. Though I am not hungry, the thought of a nimble or two is quite appealing. I shall not. The guy and I had decided to lose 10 pounds. Despite our ski every day this winter, we find ourselves a little overweight. The bread and the ice cream every night probably had a great deal with it. I was not an ice cream consumer before. My ice cream used to stay in the freezer forever until it got very snowy. Now it feels a bit strange to settle down in front of the TV and no ice cream and no Grey’s Anatomy. Obsessions and addictions must come to an end. The call to change has come.

I’m trying to get into a relaxed steady tap on my keyboard to settle my nerves. It is a meditation of a sort. I sit erect with my head, shoulders, hips and sit in alignment. No clenching of the jaw. I let my fingers and thoughts coordinate themselves. Sometimes I stumble and stutter a little here and there. No stress. Breathe and carry on. It is all alright. The world is still here. No one will notice your hiccough. Even heaven coughs and sneezes. A few minutes of cloud and snow. Now the sun is out. What the heck? The snow flakes are still floating down.

Oh, I feel a little better now. I did make a little dent in sorting and tidying my work spaces. Just talking about it gets my head into a nettle. I will watch a little Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple. The show is remarkably entertaining and relaxing. The stories usually have so many characters that I’m kept busy trying to remember who is who. I have no time to be distracted into thinking about all the things that are troubling me. There is always a murder or two but none of the bloody and shooting violence of American shows.

It works most of the time but it’s not fail proof. Sometimes I just have to have faith in myself that this, too, shall pass. I close my eyes and picture myself in the green and humid warmth of the greenhouse. The warmth feels like God’s arms around me, holding me safe. And I surrender.

TRIGGERS AND BULLETS

Posted on by
2

Another April morning. I’ve come to the keyboard but I am lost for words. The morning feels grey and wintry though the sun is breaking through. I can’t quite believe that the high today will be 18℃. It is 8:44 am. It’s 6℃ outside and 10.3℃ in the greenhouse. The 10.3 sounds high though it is still quite chilly inside. I’ve made a visit there and out to take the covers off the covered raised beds. The lettuce, celery and daikon are all looking fine. They do like the cold so maybe I can stop fussing and covering under the cover. But I see that it is going down to -6℃ Monday night. How can I stop worrying? It is easy to just throw on another cover.

We are living in unpredictable times. Maybe we always have but never knew it. What a waker upper, eh? Now there is no escape. There are plenty of deniers even though the third wave of Covid is hitting hard for many countries in the world and global climate change threatens our survival. I’m not being pessimistic but facing the facts. I like to deny, too, but denying and hiding from things leads to stress and anxiety. I’ve learned the hard way, from experience.

Not running away and facing the enemy is scary, very scary. I suffer from anxiety attacks. I have ran away and hid. That only led to prolonged anxiety, the waiting for the other shoe to drop and my heart in my mouth. It’s been a long journey and I’ve gotten acquainted with my fears and triggers. I am much better now. I’ve learned to stand my ground and face my enemy. Sometimes I have to bite the bullet, feeling the rush of adrenalin through my body. I always come out the other side, safe and whole. This gives me confidence. Each time I gain a little more.

I think I’ve become a better person for all my anxieties. For one thing, I am more empathetic to other sufferers. An ear to listen is a valuable thing. It took me a long time to realize that I don’t have to fix everyone’s problems. I just have to sit and listen without judgement or offerings. Another thing is I’ve gotten to know myself very well. I’m well acquainted with my emotions and my physiological response to different stimuli. I’m learning how to deescalate my emotions so that they don’t cause me harm. I feel things very deeply. I am what you call a HSP, a highly sensitive person(self diagnosis).

It is now 10℃ out. The sun is a little brighter, but the sky looks cold dirty dishwater. It is what it is. I will carry on as best as I can. Meanwhile the bulbs I planted the autumn before last are blooming – more and bigger than last spring.

TIME

Posted on by
3

I’m having trouble finding time to show up here every day. All my growing things seem to be calling me. I was heading downstairs to pot up the petunia seedlings, but the call of the sun and warmth of the sunroom won out. So here I am, sitting and tapping a few words. I’m trying not to let my thoughts wandered and raced, thinking of how much I have to do. I take a deep breath, sip my hot ginger water, relax my shoulders and slow my tap to a steady rhythm. I rest my fingers on the keyboard, feeling the morning sun on my face. R-E-L-A-X.

No need to rush around like mad. Everything will be done in good time. What is not isn’t important. Be in this moment. Savour and enjoy for this moment will not come again. Be thankful for each fleeting second and breath. See the beauty and colours around you. Listen to the silence and the noise. Close your eyes and see yourself letting go of everything for just a minute. Now I’m ready to step back in – and go to work.

WEATHERING THE BUMPS

Posted on by
2

It’s another Covid Monday. It was a cool -3℃ grey morning. The greenhouse held up very well overnight. The low was 3.4℃ at 7:03 am. The furnace was not called to action. Though no sun was in the forecast, it showed up just now at 2:45 pm. The greenhouse is now a lovely 20.5℃. It is 1℃ above presently. I think we have weathered all the bumps. We still have a couple of cold nights ahead but we have a little electric furnace and thermostat on standby. It will kick in at 1℃. A little less guess work and worry from here on in. Hallelujah!

Being Monday morning, it was my online class on Mussolini at 9:30. I did not forget today. It’s good that they send a reminder the day before. I had forgotten one time but I did catch the last half. If I am not mindful, all the days start to look and feel the same. Now at least Monday is class day. I should designate different things to each week day. Sunday is our sourdough pancake breakfast morning. It would help to keep my memory sharper.

I’m still on top of my flow. It’s only my 3rd day but I have to give myself a pat on the back for not dropping the ball yet. It helps if I don’t work on any one thing too long. I don’t get over focused and tired. I can easily move onto another thing. I’ve been surprising myself with how much I can accomplished in short spurts. I’m not wasting so much time thinking. I just do. I haven’t finished my quilt block for today yet but it’s more than half done.

It’s Tuesday evening. I did drop the ball after all. I always have things to do so I have to prioritize and choose. I’m back to finish and close up. I’ve been busy transplanting my cabbage and kohlrabi seedlings. They germinate easily and before I know it, they were very leggy. But they’re all tucked away now in their new little paper pots, ready to go out to the greenhouse tomorrow. It’s going to be another frosty night again, down to -6℃. I have more transplanting waiting for me. I better get some R & R now. Tomorrow is another day.