Another April morning. I’ve come to the keyboard but I am lost for words. The morning feels grey and wintry though the sun is breaking through. I can’t quite believe that the high today will be 18℃. It is 8:44 am. It’s 6℃ outside and 10.3℃ in the greenhouse. The 10.3 sounds high though it is still quite chilly inside. I’ve made a visit there and out to take the covers off the covered raised beds. The lettuce, celery and daikon are all looking fine. They do like the cold so maybe I can stop fussing and covering under the cover. But I see that it is going down to -6℃ Monday night. How can I stop worrying? It is easy to just throw on another cover.

We are living in unpredictable times. Maybe we always have but never knew it. What a waker upper, eh? Now there is no escape. There are plenty of deniers even though the third wave of Covid is hitting hard for many countries in the world and global climate change threatens our survival. I’m not being pessimistic but facing the facts. I like to deny, too, but denying and hiding from things leads to stress and anxiety. I’ve learned the hard way, from experience.

Not running away and facing the enemy is scary, very scary. I suffer from anxiety attacks. I have ran away and hid. That only led to prolonged anxiety, the waiting for the other shoe to drop and my heart in my mouth. It’s been a long journey and I’ve gotten acquainted with my fears and triggers. I am much better now. I’ve learned to stand my ground and face my enemy. Sometimes I have to bite the bullet, feeling the rush of adrenalin through my body. I always come out the other side, safe and whole. This gives me confidence. Each time I gain a little more.

I think I’ve become a better person for all my anxieties. For one thing, I am more empathetic to other sufferers. An ear to listen is a valuable thing. It took me a long time to realize that I don’t have to fix everyone’s problems. I just have to sit and listen without judgement or offerings. Another thing is I’ve gotten to know myself very well. I’m well acquainted with my emotions and my physiological response to different stimuli. I’m learning how to deescalate my emotions so that they don’t cause me harm. I feel things very deeply. I am what you call a HSP, a highly sensitive person(self diagnosis).

It is now 10℃ out. The sun is a little brighter, but the sky looks cold dirty dishwater. It is what it is. I will carry on as best as I can. Meanwhile the bulbs I planted the autumn before last are blooming – more and bigger than last spring.


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