SOLDIERING ON, COUNTING MY BLESSINGS

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August 8

I’m struggling with the clouds and my own darkness today. Nobody is winning. We’re even-steven. I’m trying to stay on top of the day, not letting ‘nature’ get the best of me. I’m feeling autumn’s effects on me though it doesn’t officially start till September 23.

August 9

As you can see, my time here was short here yesterday.

August 10

Saturday, my swim day but my swim cap had ripped last week and I haven’t bought another. My brain fog continues. The other day, I thought I had fed Sheba her supper but according to the way she was after me, I hadn’t. She did settled down after. Small forgetfulness. No harm done. Just annoyed with myself. Still I’m happy and yet not happy I didn’t swim today. I’m feeling the hibernation response this week. If I was a bear, I could crawl into my log and sleep without guilt.

But I am not a bear, so I am trying my best to stay awake. I’m sleepy though I got my 8 hours last night. Perhaps tapping on the keyboard will help. So many things are looking at me for attention. They weigh on me, making me all the more sleepy. I wish I could just close my eyes and snore away the day. Why must I feel I have to soldier on? I put so many silly obligations on my shoulders. I suppose it’s my upbringing and all those slogans slung in my face through the years.

Slogans have served me well through difficult times though I’m critical of them now. I’m just going through a phase. Let me just keep soldiering on with the help of wisdom from some very wise people.

  • “We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.”– Martin Luther King
  • A problem is a chance for you to do your best.”–Duke Ellington
  • “When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.”—Franklin D. Roosevelt
  • f you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill
  • “I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.” – Louisa May Alcott
  • “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” –  Lao Tzu
  •  “It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.”– Albert Einstein

So I’ve soldiered on well into the day and life. Looking back on it all, I’m happy and satisfied with how they both have gone. I wouldn’t change anything since I can’t. Library and coffee days with my mother are precious. I am grateful that our library carries Chinese books. My mother loves books. The best conversations I have are with my mother. She is the wisest woman that I know. I love what she has to say of letting go of feelings, people and things. That if we don’t, we make ourselves miserable and guilty even though the guilt is not ours to own. I’m going to work on that one. I’m mulling it over as I sip my green tea. I’m calling it a day.

 

CHAOS AND ART

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August 2

It’s a hot one today – 33 degrees Celsius at present. It seems like a good day to do laundry to hang outside. The mattress protector I hung a short while ago seemed almost dry so I put in a load of sheets. I’m sure the protector will be dried to a crisp by the time the load is done. Sheba is underfoot, fussing for her walk, but it is hot, hot, hot. It is not a good idea. We will be burnt to a crisp. I hope no one has to work outside in the heat.

I’m watching the cars whizzing by on Preston Avenue. Sheba finally settle on her pillow. We are fairly comfortable with the furnace fan on. I have my glass of water nearby. After a cool beer, I’m feeling mellow. I’m conserving energy, not working up a sweat. Everything not an emergency can just be. They can keep for a rainy day.

August 6

Today is that rainy day, though it was a short one this morning. It was not a wise decision to keep everything for a rainy day. My head has been in a fine kettle today. The clouds and dark skies gave me the willies. Clearly it was not a day for brain surgery. I found some solace in the light from the kitchen window and the fluorescent light above the sink. It was also soothing folding towels though the pile of it was daunting at first. It’s the taking of one at a time, smoothing and folding it that helped clear a bit of the mess in my head.

 

Now it’s almost at the end of the day. Seems like it took me all day to do very little. I still have a whole mess on the diningroom table. When didn’t I have one, eh? Having the fridge go on us didn’t help. Finding one to fit the same space was impossible. That meant making the space fit a new fridge. Things had to come out of a cupboard in order to shorten it. The dining room table is always handy for that. Everything seems to find their way there. It’s probably not that bad but my head can’t deal with sorting or looking at it.

I have paid the bills though and made the 2 must-make phone calls. It was a struggle, making myself sit still at the desk to do all that. Needless to say, my desk area is still a flipping jungle. I’m not saying that’s who I am, but it is how I am now. I’m trying. I’ve slipped. I will again and again. I will try and try again to get back on track. I will work on it tomorrow. In the chaos and brain thing, I still was able to create a little bit of art today. Hurray for me.

LIKE A SHINY PENNY

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Some habits are good to keep. Though the Ultimate Blog Challenge is over, the commitments of the month are sticking. I do my 4-7-8 breathing exercise in the morning waiting for the kettle to boil. It is relaxing. I have my one fried egg for breakfast. I’m not ready to add the toast back. After breakfast, I had this urge to have another cup of tea and just while away the morning.

I didn’t. I could but I know that whiling away is not all that satisfactory at the end of the day. It is not when you end up with a messy house, untended business nagging at you and a stiff achy body begging to be moved. So I unplug the kettle, got out the vacuum stick and did the places full of Sheba’s hair. The furnace filter and motor will be happier as well as my pocket book.

Funny how dog hair and garbage odour can mar my days. Nothing glorious about dealing such things but it is necessary. They don’t do themselves. There is some pleasure when you see the dog hair get sucked up by the Dyson stick. Not so much washing the garbage bin. It comes later after the muck is washed away. It’s looking so clean drying in the sun. I hope it will kill the odour.

I am so glad that I keep showing up here like a bad shiny penny. It’s a springboard into the day for me if I can show up early. Now it is almost 8 pm. The afternoon and the evening is hot – still 31 degrees Celsius. Sheba and I are just back from our walk. I am soaked with perspiration. So happy I did some weeding in the morning. The weeds looked formidable at first but just pulling them one by one, it was not bad at all. I harvested some rhubarb and put down the leaves as a mulch helps to keep them down. Everything looks pretty good despite our strange summer. I am happy.

FINISHED BUT NOT THE END

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End of July. End of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. This is my last post for it. It is after 4:30 in the afternoon. I’m sitting in the kitchen. There’s a nice cool draft from the two opened windows. I was relaxed but not anymore. Intrusive thoughts, phone calls, Sheba panting at my feet and the sound of traffic through the window. I’m feeling annoyed. I do my 4-7-8 breathing exercise.

Not much better. I lose count of my counting. Sheba is whining at me. The traffic is still so loud and distracting. We head outside. I kick Sheba off the deck with a rawhide chew. It is warm but not too bad. I can hear Sheba chewing her rawhide. At least one of us is settled. I do another round of 4-7-8 breathing. I listen to the traffic. I listen to the kids play at the daycare one house over. I don’t wish or fight for quiet. I accept what is.

I’m a slow learner in life but I can still learn. This month has been all about  learning the things that will make life easier for myself. I’ve been doing the same things over and over, expecting different results. I hadn’t known before that was what I was doing. I really worked on being mindful and seeing things objectively. It has changed how I see and think. It has removed the personal and emotional from many situations. For the first time, I see many things as they really are.

I was very proud of myself earlier in the day. I felt intrusive thoughts working their way into my mind. I saw what they were. I willingly and easily changed my thoughts. I felt smug about it, thinking I’m some kind of saint. But then, later, they came again. I took them personally and emotionally. I became irritated and annoyed with myself. So here I sit now, telling you about it. I think I must accept all my feelings, the good and bad. Otherwise, the bad will cause self-hatred. And no one is a saint.

Now it is almost 8 in the evening. I’m trying to finish my thoughts. July has been a good month. The weather has been volatile, changing day to day and within the day. Maybe we need that to remind us how precious our earth is. It reminds me how precious life is. It is not to be taken for granted. I have to take care and tend to it like my garden. The month and the challenge is over, but I will still come to this space to sort out the weeds in my thoughts. I will continue to learn and discern what is nurturing from what is noxious.

 

SUCCESS MEASURED IN 4″x6″

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It’s another perfect summer day. It was a bit cool and cloudy in the morning. I could feel August in the air. Then September will be following after PDQ. My lettuce and other greens bed is looking splendid. I hate to pull them out but some of it has to go. They are getting old and there’s so much for the two of us. There’s time yet to seed a new crop.

So much for my words. The flow stopped. I’m like the weather, unpredictable. It’s rain or drought. Now it is after 8 in the evening. The sun has set. No golden rays reflecting on the garage wall. It is still light and the sky is blue. I think I’m over challenged. Spent. Tired. The end is in sight. Only one day left in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Only one day left in the Daisy Yellow ICAD 2019 Challenge. I’ve been at that one for two months. I will have painted 61 index cards by tomorrow. It was a tough go today but I painted two to catch up. These days, success is measured in 4″x6″ index cards. I take what I can get.

It seems like I just got here – in two different paragraphs. Wish I had more time and energy to linger a bit longer. I am what I am, though I do try to stretch myself and time. I wonder how others do it – do so much I mean. This is all I got today.

SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF LESS

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A lovely summer evening. It was a perfect afternoon, too. I’ve been able to sit in this space in perfect comfort. Perfect weather is rare this summer. It alternates between stifling heat, rain, wind, thunder and lightning. I’m enjoying this peaceful lull, watching the sunlight fade on the garage wall. I am sipping my decaf and tapping on the keyboard.

I’m late again with my words. Life happens as they say. Things come knocking on my day. Before I know it, a bunch of time is gone. So here I sit, making excuses again. What I didn’t do was to seize the day, the opportunities, the time. It is not a bad thing. Sometimes I just have to let things come and go. I am not what they call a go-getter. I am not lazy but I do like to daydream, heave my sighs and think about moving. I like to say it’s my natural state but that’s making excuses again. What it is, is that I have some bad habits.

This month of July, the month of the Ultimate Blog Challenge, I’m paying more attention. I’m being more mindful. I’m learning more about myself – the good, the bad and the ugly. I think I’m correcting some of my bad habits and behaviour. I’m working through my avoidance, getting over those ugly feelings of “I don’t want to…..and life is hard.” I’ve worked through those overwhelmed feelings by tackling one thing at a time. Multi-tasking is not good for my brain. I’m feeling less of my uglies – anxiety and depression. Life is easier. I’m sweating the small stuff less.

It is almost 9 pm. The sun is gone but it is still light. I can still see the blue of the sky. How wonderful the day. How wonderful my life.

 

ALL MY LOAVES IN ROWS

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I have all my loaves in rows, ready to pop into the oven once it reaches temperature. A cool windy day is opportunity to bake bread. I haven’t baked for awhile since I’ve given up bread for July, the month of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It’s part of my commitments this month. I want to lose a few pounds to feel better and be healthier. Have I succeeded? I think so. I feel lighter bodily and mentally. I’ve gotta love that!

So will I go back to bread? I haven’t decided what I will  do yet. I do not eat alot of bread anyways. Ordinarily I would have one slice of toast with one fried egg at breakfast or 2 slices with no egg. To be without bread is not a big sacrifice but I did have a craving once or twice this month. It passed easily. I might not be able to resist today, though. Who can blame me with the aroma of fresh baked?

It’s not that I’ve given it up completely. On Saturdays, after my morning swim I have a full breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast or an omelette with toast and hash browns. That would be my breakfast and lunch. So I will skip the toast Saturday. I will have my bread and eat it, too, today. Then Sheba and I will go for our walk.

It’s after 2 slices of bread, a walk with Sheba and supper. It’s almost bedtime. I’ve been nodding off during the news on television. I’m sluggish and struggling towards the end of the month, towards the end of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m tired. I don’t think I can rub two sticks together. So don’t expect a fire or excitement from me. I’m just my usual old self, droning on and on about the same stuff. Maybe I should close up shop and come back tomorrow.

MY MONKEY MIND

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Friday

I’m experiencing restless brain syndrome today. My monkey mind is taking me here and there, nowhere that is restful. That, too, is best to accept and not try frantically to rid of. Trying to escape would only creates more frantic. I have a headache and a pain in my left jaw from clenching and crunching. I’ve taken a Tylenol. I’m trying to relax everything. My rhythmic tapping on the keyboard is soothing me. I do my 4-7-8 breathing exercise.

“Patience” and “Fortitude”, the “Library Lion” statues, in the snowstorm of Dec. 1948 from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_Public_Library

It’s a beautiful day with a nice cooling breeze. I’m trying to enjoy the good and bad of our weather. They are both beautiful, each in their own ways. They keep me on my toes, awake to my senses and my surroundings. They remind me not to fret about things I have no control of. Be like the willow. Bend with the wind so I will not snap. I’m also reminded to be strong like a mountain, sitting firmly through all the seasons. I think of Patience and Fortitude, the two marble lions at the entrance of the New York Public Library. They’re qualities I would like to have.

Saturday

My mind is still not at rest, not allowing me to settle in a calm state. Sheba is of the same ilk. She is staring and whining/panting at me. We are each influenced by each other’s energy. I have to ignore her. She has been fed, watered and personal needs taken care of. There’s nothing to be done. There always have been days like these, to tolerate and weather as best as I can.

Saturdays are my favourite days and it was a beautiful sunny summer morning with a cool breeze. It was easy getting out the door to do my Saturday morning swim. I swam 26 lengths last week. It felt easy and effortless but no two Saturdays and two swims are the same. I was tired and I didn’t get my lane next to the edge of the pool. Someone beat me to it. Funny how that one little thing can throw me off. But it did, having to deal with a rope on each side. I worry about crashing into them. Then I obsess about my technique doing the backstroke. It made for not an optimum relaxing swim. Still it was my best. I didn’t best the week’s before 26 lengths. But I got in 24.

We are now in the heat of the afternoon – 31 degrees Celsius. Sheba has settled on the cool of the hardwood floor. I was a no show Thursday for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I struggle Friday and today here. I am trying to put my best foot forward though my fingers are somewhat stiff and achy. I wonder why the heat affects the joints that way.

I am still keen in completing the month even though I feel tired and sluggish. These periods where I stutter and stumble are not bad. I think they are necessary rest periods. I need to slow down so I can see and evaluate the distance I’ve come. What have I accomplished? What have I learned? I’ll see if I can answer those questions tomorrow.

 

 

WEATHERING MY MOODS

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Just like that, yesterday’s sun left us. I woke to grey misty skies. The air is heavy and humid, smelling much like a wet Sheba. I had decided last night I would give up my exercise class for this week. I was feeling the fatigue of the heat. I am getting enough exercise running after Sheba and tending the garden. There’s no point in over stressing myself. Our aging bodies are not as efficient at regulating body temperature as when we were younger.

The thunder and lightning storm was no surprise. It was a lot of noise and show but it was short lived. Sheba and I still did a short walk with our umbrella. The rain cooled the streets and sidewalks. The smell of wet cement and asphalt was not pleasant. It made me wonder when did we get to be a concrete jungle. Oh, life in the city. I hear Joni Mitchell singing, Big Yellow Taxi. She wrote that in 1970 when she was 27. She certainly saw things clearly. Wish I was that observant.

They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique
And a swinging hot spot
Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got
‘Till it’s gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

That was this morning. Now it is after 4 pm. Just as quickly the sun, heat and humidity is back. I was enjoying my lunch in the cool of the deck at noon. I was even thinking of a sweater or blanket then. Now I’m driven indoors by the heat. I’m feeling a tad blue despite the brilliant sunshine. That, of course, makes it worse. I know that it’s due to the fluctuating weather and temperature. Still it leaves me with a feeling of failure, inadequacy and whatnot. The air is heavy, still with a faint wet dog odour.

It is not Sheba, either, though it would be easy to blame her. She’s freshly laundered 2 days ago. She’s still sweet smelling and shedding her now fluffy fur. We’ve had 2 days of brushing now. First one side one day, then the other the next. She’s looking almost sleek now. I am glad that I’ve done that before my mood dip and my energy with it. I’ll see if I can talk myself out of it.

Talking to myself is not always effective or good when I’m feeling low. I end up ruminating on the wrong things, things that probably have no validity. I opted to get up and do something, like making supper. I wandered out to harvest some veggies from the raised beds. The raspberries needed picking, too. Then why don’t I trim the grass. It’s getting long. It didn’t take long. I thought maybe I should fill the beds with water. It’s been awhile since the last time and the top soil felt dry. I amazed myself at how much I got done once started.

No sooner had I got inside, the sun disappeared and thunder started rumbling in the air. The house was encased in gloom. Ah! I am really sensitive to the weather. I’m not using it as an excuse for my moods at all. The wind blew and the rain came pouring down. No climate change, eh? My supper was later than I planned. Then I discovered my fridge didn’t feel cool at all. Investigation, tossing, cleaning and defrosting the little freezer on top all ensued. I hope it solved the problem till a new one could be bought.

No surprise that it is late again. The dishes and stuff in the sink can wait. Sheba never got her afternoon walk. She’s ok. I’m ok. We’re getting wiser and more flexible as we age. Both of us.

 

 

BETTER SOONER THAN LATER

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July 23, 9 more days to the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Am I counting? Not really. I do enjoy coming to this space but sometimes life gets in the way. It’s easier if I don’t dawdle. I have this illusion that I have great things to say. They are all in my head, ready to come out. It wouldn’t take much time. Just minutes to write if I get to them right away.  I don’t, of course. I thought they were at my bidding. All those great ideas and conversations in the head are as nebulous and vaporous as mist. They are gone by the time I sit down at the keyboard. I struggle to get each word and idea back.

Today I’m trying to do better, showing up sooner rather than later.My head is clearer and I have more energy earlier in the day. I want this challenge to work for me. What are my goals to start with? What are they now? I think I have a bit of ADHD. If I don’t lay it out to see/read, I’m apt to go around and around in circles. I have been doing that. I’m a stuck record. I play the same song and dance over and over. I have to stop stuttering. I want to go past GO. But to repeat, my goals to start with are having the discipline of committing to:

  • getting up, dressing up and showing up here every day
  • to be truthful, respectful and hopeful in this space
  • following through goals/projects from beginning to end
  • being more mindful and in the present moment

once a week breakfast and lunch

As the month evolved, a few more goals developed. I wanted to lose some weight to feel and look better. I despise double chins and overhanging bellies. I made some small changes in my meals and the way I ate. I cut out the toast in my breakfast. I added a bit of kimchi as a condiment to my meals. I chew and taste my food. As a result, I discovered that I’m really not as hungry as I thought. My portions got smaller, my snacks fewer. I still have them. Giving up and depriving myself have never worked for me. Now that raspberries are in season I have them with ice cream in the evening. They are our very own raspberries and they’re very prolific. What can I do?

To sum up, I am fulfilling most of my goals. I have been here every day, being truthful, respectful and ever hopeful. Am I finishing my projects? Yes, mostly. I’m also doing another challenge of creating an index card art daily from June1 – July 31. I’m a couple of days behind but I will finish. I’m being mindful to help me through these and other life challenges. I spend 20-30 minutes each morning in silence to prepare for the day.

I am feeling the effects of my efforts this month. I feel better mentally and physically. I feel stronger, with more stamina. The last two days seem seamless, one thing flowing into another. I did not have to struggle with anything. It’s a good note to end on. It is late. I need some time to chill before bed.