Author Archives: hafong

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About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

WHINING TIMES

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So..I’m experiencing a low grade kind of the blues. It’s the kind of nibbles on the edges of my mind, keeping me a bit uncomfortable, feeling guilty, feeling selfish. It’s whispering to me that I can do more, be more of this and that. It’s kind of convincing though not necessarily the truth. I thought it best I come here and toss things around like you would a salad. The heavy stuff tend to sink to the bottom. I like to bring some of them up to the top. I like to have a good look at them.

I had to get another cup of tea, of course, and have a scroll through social media and star gaze a little. Not that I am such a fan of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urbane. I’ve seen some of her movies but I’ve never listened to his music. I like Johnny Depp as an actor, but he is kind of a scary dude with a sinister smile. And all those rings! I bet they can cause serious damage if they connect with your face. I’ve never heard of Amber Heard before this but I believe her. I am really surprised at how much support Johnny Depp is getting and how much trashing Amber is getting, even from women. But enough of this movie stars shit. What about me?

Yes, what about me? I’m trying not to let my moods and feelings interfere with life. I am listening to them and giving them due respect. The thing is no matter how I feel, I still have to get up, dress up and show up. No matter what, I would feel better if I wash my face, brush my teeth and fashion my hair in the morning. I’m really wisening up – late. It’s better than never. I could save myself time and angst if I develop some good followup habits. What do I mean? Okay, some examples:

  • meditate every moring to clear my mind. It helps to keep distraction to a minimum.
  • complete each task and put everything back in place before moving on
  • write down reminders
  • do what I can today rather than tomorrow
  • throw out things that are of no use today rather than tomorrow
  • make a daily schedule of what needs/want to do
  • schedule regular write times here. So I will show up here Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. They coincide with my aerobic exercise classes. They will be my whining times to get things off my chest, to hatch new ideas, to mark my progresss.

I think this is enough for today. Best keep it short and not overwhelm myself. Too much could and would throw me off track. I have successfully tossed my salad. The weighty stuff dealt with and nothing nagging on the edges of my mind. No voices whispering in my ear.

THE DAY AFTER

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I have mixed feelings at the end of one month and the beginning of a new one. I am glad and sad. Glad to have closure of the old and a new beginning. I’m always sad saying farewell to the known and old. It is good to see the backside of April, the month of uncertainty. April wasn’t winter any more but it wasn’t quite spring either. We’ve had ups and downs. One day it was hot, the next cold with snow. Can we safely say that it is now definitely spring?

I definitely feel lighter and brighter. So glad that many challenges done. The Tax Return done and over for another year. The Ultimate Blog Challenge over. April Love over. I have about 22 days left in #the100dayproject. I have 22 drawings/watercolour to go. I’m working on putting together last year’s 100 quilt squares together. I have to sew 4 quilt squares to make one block. I now have 8 blocks. So 17 blocks to go. After that I have to put the 25 blocks together, add quilt battling, backing and sew everything together. It is best not to think of it all at once. I’m sure to overwhelm myself that way.

Now it is 2 days after April, 1:33pm. Lunch is over and dishes done. This is the worst time of day for me. I’m usually hit with overwhelming fatigue and sleepiness. Today is not as bad though I do lack ambition and energy. I am pushing myself to do my necessary activities of daily living. It takes effort and willpower but hey, nobody says anything is easy. I am sad to hear about Naomi Judd’s death due to mental illness. She had always been opened and outspoken about her depression. I do like the Judd’s music but I am not what you would call an ardent fan. I feel the connection because we are women and I have suffered depression. Who hasn’t? And I was also a nurse.

Because of Naomi, I am feeling a little more vulnerable today. I am more sensitive to the need of taking better care of our mental as well as physical health. No matter who we are, how rich, how famous, we all age and suffer the same. It is important to know ourselves and others and the world around us. It is important to keep putting one foot in front of the other the best we can every single day. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

NOT A FAILURE

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Photo by Keira Burton on Pexels.com

It’s amazing how easily and fast I can get derailed. Habits are, indeed, deeply ingrained and difficult to overcome. Coming back to my keyboard is another distraction and ploy of avoiding on what I need to do. But to give myself credit and not to feel totally weighed down with defeat, my tax return is mostly done. I just need to recheck it and push the send button. I have 3 days to do that. AND I’ve finally phoned for an appointment with my gynecologist. I’ve skipped out my checkups because of Covid. I was happy to have an excuse. What’s left weighing heavily on my plate?

  • Those damn paper clutter. Now that my tax return is mostly taken care of, I can peck at it. I better do a bit every day. There’s no escaping the pain of it. I have to schedule some time for it daily.
  • The garden thing. I had so many things done and growing last year by this time. I’m struggling with everything this year. But the greenhouse is doing well with all the greens. We can stop buying lettuce. There’s enough of lettuce, spinach and kale. We’re getting some radish. The outside raised bed has been seeded with salad greens the other day to take over from the greenhouse. But there’s seedlings to be transplanted into bigger pots and the sprouted squash seeds to be potted up, too. I’m sure there’s many other seeds that I need to start up. I’ve lost or I haven’t had a track of what or where to grow. It’s an ugly feeling. Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and disappear.

It is 3 days later. I’ve hit the SEND button on my Tax Return. It is sent. I am another-thing-taken-care-of lighter. I’m almost ready for that first day of the rest of my life again. But first, I need to finish writing this post. I need to write this as the last post of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. True, I dropped out at almost midpoint but I still wrote 14 posts in April. And this is number 15 – a wrap up. I would not consider it a failure. Quitting is really wisdom on my part. I now know when to stop when something is not working any more. And how did I know?

  • I felt the fatigue of writing every day. It was no longer pleasureable.
  • I could not feel I had a purpose in being in the Challenge. I had no business or product to promote. I write because I love words and the creativity that comes from stringing ideas and words together. I didn’t have a good fit feeling.
  • I felt there was a competitiveness that was not good for me. I wanted to go back to writing for myself. It is good to engage with others but I could do that also on my own terms.
  • I was wishing for more time to do other things in my life. I needed time to tend to greenhouse, starting seeds for the garden. I need more time to care for my self, to read books I want to read…

At the end of the day/month, I am happy. I am not a complete dropout. I participated part of the month. I might participate again in the next challenge. Now that I am more aware of when to step back/off, it will be better the next time around.

HOW THE COOKIE CRUMBLES

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I’m on my second cup of tea, awaiting the snow storm. Perhaps it is a little early yet but the sky is steely grey. The sun is trying, a brisk breeze is stirring up the beautiful dead growth on the living roof of the shed. I flunked all 6 tries on Wordle. Now to make something of the day. Some days are easier than others. I’m hitting the not easier days. That’s how the cookie crumbles.

I know that this, too, will pass but what can I do in the meantime? There are many things that I could do. I just don’t feel like doing them. I don’t feel motivated, excited. Nothing grabs me. Nothing is wrong but everything feels bland and grey like cold, dirty dishwater and today’s sky. I guess I can pout and have a tantrum but what will that do? I can also do nothing and become more sodden. I’m sure that will lead to more boredom and misery. Better that I do a Suck it up, Buttercup and go through the motions -even if I don’t feel like it. That’s the penalty of being an adult.

I find it helpful to ask myself How does it feel? now and again. It is a good way of working through and out of my stresses and blahs. I’m not feeling so grey now, finding a hook to hang on to. It’s soothing tapping on the keys, making words and sentences. It builds me up as I find ways out of my blandness. I don’t need to hurry. I can take time, linger and savour these moments sitting here. It is rewarding to work and find a purpose, a reason to be.

This morning we went and got our fourth Covid vaccine. It was something we could do to help maintain our health. We made a couple of stops on the way home. One was to a mall to mail some letters and to buy mousse for my hair. I made a trip to the washroom while I was at it. It has been a long time, 2 years since I made a walk through the mall. I couldn’t remember where things were, having to follow the signs at first. There’s much change. Seems a bit silly but I was so happy to see the food court. The washrooms were just a hallway down. A flood of memories came rushing back – coffee with my mom and dad at the mall after our visits to the library. Such simple things can make me happy.

Our second stop was the library to return read books for different ones. It is snowing and the wind is howling. I am hunkered down snug as a bug with books to read, drawings to be drawn and splashed with paint. Oh, I have Hong Kong milk tea and barbecued pork buns from the Chinese store for treats. I am at ease. I am no longer stressed or feeling bland. Perhaps I was feeling the approach of the storm. I am such a weather vane.

HOW DOES IT FEEL?

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I am feeling so much better now that I’ve opt out of the thread loop in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am no longer obliged to read the 2 posts above mine. It frees up not only time but my sense of obligation which is very weighty. I like rules. I think they promote order. I think I am taking them and the UBC too seriously. It is also time for me to take a break from the challenging element of showing up every day. I am remembering a Wayne Dyer quote: When change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

I wrote about working/writing smarter the other day. One of my faults is not knowing when to quit. I do know that now. I am walking my talk. Being committed to too many things is stressful. It does not lead to productivity nor sense of restfulness or peace. My mind was always engaged, having no time to rest. There was no time to organize my surroundings and to declutter. I yearned for time to read a story book like I used to. When I found some time, my mind was too distracted and frazzled to concentrate on the words.

I made the decision to opt out of parts of UBC just two days ago. I am surprised at how restful my brain is feeling already. I had time yesterday to watch Professor Paul Gilbert’s video on compassion and how it can help us lead happier lives. It is an hour and 17 minutes long but well worth it. It explains the tricky brains we’re born with. It is faulty by design but it is not our fault. But if we learn and understand how it works, it will help us live better lives. Learning is and always has been my passion. There’s always things to learn and opportunities to improve from where we are now. Every day is another first day of the rest of our lives.

SHORT LISTING MY TO DOs

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The house is quiet. I am alone. Times like this, I feel Sheba is still here, keeping me company. I was feeling tranquil and peaceful until I checked my emails. Now I am all nettled and disturbed. I take a deep breath and another one. I watch my steam and breath evaporate into air. I close my eyes and drop my shoulders. This is life. Take charge of it.

I’m doing the best I can. I get up and put disturbed energy to use. 3 rooms are vacuumed and I am sipping a cup of decaf. This is a good time to slow down and really watch Professor Paul Gilbert’s videos on understanding our tricky brain and using compassion to take us into a better life. Last night I was in a hurry. I was stressed and too focused on writing my post on the Ultimate Blog Challenge. As a result I did not get a good read on the video. Not only that, I made a mistake of copying and pasting the wrong link to the loop. My post was deleted by the moderator, though I had corrected it by that time.

I thought about arguing the point. Then I had second thoughts. How important is it to stay in the loop? My topic was interesting and important maybe only to me but my post was not well written. How important was it for me to have 2 comments on it because the 2 writers below me were obligated by rules to read and comment on it? I rather people read and comment because of their interest in the content. I’m rethinking the ‘challenge’ thing. I’ve lost some joy of my writing space. I am not competitive with others, only with myself. I am not selling any product or service. I want to read and write of things interesting and important to me.

In the light of day, it makes sense to revamp my must dos. I am not abandoning the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I will go by the rules and not put my link in the thread. This will free up my sense of obligations. I have alot of my plate for April. That deadline for Tax Return is closing in. I am not feeling ready. My greenhouse and seedlings and seeding are yelling at me. I have an online class with U of S Tuesday afternoons. April Love is easy, gentle and soothing and do-able. My #100dayproject is on top of my must list. My daily draw/watercolour are improving day by day. I am so happy with Helios I painted as a puppy and a one year old. They’ve made my days.

WHERE HAVE I LOST MY MIND?

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Day 11 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am trying to heed my advice on working/writing smarter. I am stuck, staring at my almost blank screen. I am not waiting for motivation to hit me. I’m tapping, then deleting, tapping, deleting. I am sure I will find a rhythm and I will be off and flying. I did rise early this morning. I meditated, trying to bring my mind back to my breath each time it wandered off. Then I spent time trying to solve Wordle. I didn’t succeed and abandoned after a short session. I am not perfect. I have fallen victim to all the time wasting techy distractions.

It is not my fault. I/we have a tricky brain, prone to addictions and distractions. I was born with it. I had no choice in the matter. Our tricky brain needs compassion and training. There’s alot of information on it out on the world wide web. I went searching. I remembered watching a very interesting presentation given by Professor Paul Gilbert on the Mindfulness Summit a few years ago. However, I couldn’t find it on YouTube but this one is on the same subject and is excellent. It is an hour long but well worth it.

So I’ve wandered and meandered. It is so easy to be distracted but it is a good distract today. It is valuable to understand how our brain works and have evolved. I hope the knowledge will help me work and live better.

WORKING /WRITING SMARTER AND BETTER

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Day 10 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Another new day. Another new page. It is a grey morning. 1℃ outside at 8:30 in the morning. Snow and wind in the forecast. Meanwhile in the greenhouse, it is 8.9℃. The rock thermal wall and the buckets of water are doing their job well. I did not drop the shade cloth/blanket under the ceiling last night. I thought it wouldn’t hurt and might help to have a little chill for the greens and snow peas. The greens are forming their first true leaves now. The snow peas popping up in rows. I am pleased. I think we can have a fresh salad or two by end of April.

I am feeling a bit frazzled by the challenges I have undertaken. My mind is always preoccupied – thinking, thinking and more thinking. Good thing I still have presence of mind to refill my medication ahead of time. But I forgot to pick it up till now when I’m filling my week’s pill box. It will be a good reason to walk to the pharmacy later on, snow or no snow. It’s a good reason to slow down, organize and find ways of working smarter and better. What are the ways? Here are some that I’ve found on the world wide web:

  • stop multitasking
  • take more breaks
  • front load your week
  • chunk similar tasks together
  • schedule tasks according to your energy level
  • cut down your to do list
  • take an afternoon nap
  • turn off notifications
  • switch back to pen and paper
  • track your time and productivity
  • spend time in nature
  • get up early
  • set up a start date for tasks
  • delegate more
  • know when to quit
  • don’t wait for motivation
  • manage your surroundings
  • declutter

Here’s what I am doing at present.

  • I am getting up early. Usually between 6 and 7 am. I meditate for 20 minutes. Sometimes I work on Wordle and or watch YouTube on gardening and art. Sometimes I work on my drawings if there is time before breakfast.
  • I have a small to-do list each day for April. The must include a drawing for #the100dayproject, a photo for Susannah Conway’s April Love and a post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I fit in other things according to priority.
  • I do chunk similar tasks together. I can’t think of examples right now.
  • I don’t wait for motivation. I get motivated once I start.
  • I don’t multitask.

What I could/should do.

  • Review my goals more often. Why I am in the Ultimate Blog Challenge – it’s my venting, meditative space and to improve my writing. I want to strive for content, clarity and brevity. More doesn’t always mean better.
  • I don’t manage my environment well. I am easily distracted. So I could set a limit to my scrolling whilst on the keyboard. Allowing myself to read one article is a do-able limit.
  • I have clutter. It’s a tough one for me to clear. Maybe I should start with my head first. I have so many thoughts running around it’s amazing I can get anything done. I have to work on bringing my attention back to my breath more often during my morning meditation.
  • I don’t know when to quit. It’s a good time to practice that now. Readers will be thankful for brevity. I know I am.

BREAKFAST AT A&W

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It’s wonderful to step out on a Saturday morning to a breakfast at my esteem A&W with the girls again. Now if I can have my Saturday morning swim back at the YWCA it would be perfect. Perhaps that’s asking too much all at once. Be grateful for what I have now. And I am. I can, perhaps check out other pools but I am a creature of habit. I like the familiar. At my age, it is ok. I am adventuresome enough. I don’t need new challenges. I can wait and see.

I am stretching myself now by writing a second post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Yesterday we had a road trip. It’s a good reason to step away from my keyboard to have a tiny rest. A break sometimes is helpful in giving us a new perspective. I’ve been away from A&W for 2 years now except for one visit last summer. Absence has made me see how much I take things for granted. I now have so much more appreciation of all the small and ordinary things like breakfast at A&W.

There is nothing fancy about A&W but I love the big windows looking out onto 8th street. I love the bright red of the booths. I find the atmosphere conducive to easy exchange of conversation. And the food is good. What can go wrong with bacon, eggs and toast, eh? This morning I had the whole enchilada – bacon, sausages, eggs, hashbrowns, toast and coffee. I guess that’s a bit heavy on the calories. It’s breakfast and lunch. I can afford the extra calories. I am back at exercising Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. Life is good.

ROAD TRIP

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Another Saturday morning coming down. It’s a bit cloudy with the sun making a strong push to shine through. I’m looking forward to stepping out to meet a couple of gals for breakfast. I like to put down a few words first to find an opening for a conversation/post. If I leave things too long, it’s a bit tough to get started. That’s something to remember for everything. Don’t procrastinate. You might not get this opportunity again.

We had a road trip yesterday. It was a nice break to get out of town and our every day hum drums. It was a chance to check out how the guy’s sailboat fared at the marina over the winter. It was quite a sight to see all the boats up in the parking lot. We thought it would be a treat to dine in a small town restaurant but we forgot that small town diners doesn’t necessarily mean small prices. I would not have minded much if the food was hot and delicious. I can’t say that it was bad but the cheeseburger soup was salty and lukewarm. The beef melt on a bun was tasteless. Not really complaining but I’m much more appreciative of our home cooked meals.

We had a nice day and drive to and from. I got to see the Saskatchewan landscape in spring time. The new artist in me paid more attention to the splendour of the trees and nature’s palette. It was a day well spent.