It’s amazing how easily and fast I can get derailed. Habits are, indeed, deeply ingrained and difficult to overcome. Coming back to my keyboard is another distraction and ploy of avoiding on what I need to do. But to give myself credit and not to feel totally weighed down with defeat, my tax return is mostly done. I just need to recheck it and push the send button. I have 3 days to do that. AND I’ve finally phoned for an appointment with my gynecologist. I’ve skipped out my checkups because of Covid. I was happy to have an excuse. What’s left weighing heavily on my plate?

• Those damn paper clutter. Now that my tax return is mostly taken care of, I can peck at it. I better do a bit every day. There’s no escaping the pain of it. I have to schedule some time for it daily.
• The garden thing. I had so many things done and growing last year by this time. I’m struggling with everything this year. But the greenhouse is doing well with all the greens. We can stop buying lettuce. There’s enough of lettuce, spinach and kale. We’re getting some radish. The outside raised bed has been seeded with salad greens the other day to take over from the greenhouse. But there’s seedlings to be transplanted into bigger pots and the sprouted squash seeds to be potted up, too. I’m sure there’s many other seeds that I need to start up. I’ve lost or I haven’t had a track of what or where to grow. It’s an ugly feeling. Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and disappear.

It is 3 days later. I’ve hit the SEND button on my Tax Return. It is sent. I am another-thing-taken-care-of lighter. I’m almost ready for that first day of the rest of my life again. But first, I need to finish writing this post. I need to write this as the last post of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. True, I dropped out at almost midpoint but I still wrote 14 posts in April. And this is number 15 – a wrap up. I would not consider it a failure. Quitting is really wisdom on my part. I now know when to stop when something is not working any more. And how did I know?

• I felt the fatigue of writing every day. It was no longer pleasureable.
• I could not feel I had a purpose in being in the Challenge. I had no business or product to promote. I write because I love words and the creativity that comes from stringing ideas and words together. I didn’t have a good fit feeling.
• I felt there was a competitiveness that was not good for me. I wanted to go back to writing for myself. It is good to engage with others but I could do that also on my own terms.
• I was wishing for more time to do other things in my life. I needed time to tend to greenhouse, starting seeds for the garden. I need more time to care for my self, to read books I want to read…

At the end of the day/month, I am happy. I am not a complete dropout. I participated part of the month. I might participate again in the next challenge. Now that I am more aware of when to step back/off, it will be better the next time around.