Monthly Archives: July 2019

MY BEST FOOT FORWARD

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It’s raining again/still. Thunder is rumbling. The house is dark. I’m sipping on my decaf. Maybe we won’t go for our afternoon walk today. We will wait and see. Only one piece of mail for me today. It is a reward coupon from Costco. I’ve read the instructions and it is safely in my wallet. It has no expiry date but not replaceable if lost. So far, so good. Can’t congratulate myself yet on just one day of taking care of business. It doesn’t hurt though to pat myself on the back. Maybe we will go for that walk after all, to keep the spirit going. But first my coffee.

I read a great post from another blogger yesterday on accepting the truth. It was so right on that accepting the truth will set you free. I read it at the precise right moment. I was mellow and receptive. I saw the truths for myself. I had been fighting and resisting so many truths. I had been wasting so much time and so much of myself trying to figure out the whys and wherefores. There was nothing to figure out. It is what it is. What happened has happened. There’s no undoing, going back, changing. There is only going forward. And I can choose how I do that.

I’ve been pondering on that a bit. I want to put my best foot forward, to do my best on this life journey. I want to live according to my own values while respecting those of others. I think it is possible. I’ve been paying attention to my thoughts, mindful of my words and biting back unneccessary talk. It is difficult at times. Those thoughts keep popping into my head. The words are just itching to fall out of my mouth. Practice does make for better. I watch the thoughts float by like clouds in the sky. I swallow the words before they get pass my lips. Safe again! No harm or hurt done.

It’s still raining cats and dogs. I think best we give up the idea of a walk. Tomorrow is another day. Sheba is mellow, happy with vegetable scraps from supper preparations.

 

CURSING THROUGH MY MUST-TO-DOS

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Can you hear me muttering and cursing through cyberspace? That’s right, the morning was committed to my paper clutter. “The time has come,” the walrus said, “to talk of many things: Of shoes and ships – and sealing wax – of cabbages and kings”. It was time for me to dispense with my excuses and deal with my dreads but must-to-dos. 

So much of my life seems to be wrapped up in paperwork – in triplicates. I hang on to every copy, every bits of paper, afraid I will lose something of great importance. Even though we have the internet, emails and e-statements, they still have to be opened, read, filed or deleted. So far I haven’t mastered the ins and outs of keeping on top of the real or virtual paper stuff.

There’s no better time than the present to work on it. First thing first. I dealt with the 2 letters that came yesterday. One needed a phone call to clear up. The next was regarding the house insurance due August 15th. I need some information back from my broker before making payment. It can wait. Then it was reconciling my receipts with my credit cards statement. That accomplieshed, I went on to phone to the telephone company to change my method of payment. Last was setting up online banking for an account set up 3 years ago. I have been such a procrastinator.

paperI still have much to stuff to sort through. I will not waste time trying to understand why or how I got this way. I have pondered upon all these many times before. Instead, I will handle and deal with the mail, real and virtual, daily. I have said this many times before. I know I could lapse. It is something that I will have to work at again and again. It’s like the dishes, meditation and other things. Some things are tedious and boring but they still need tending. It’s like the weeds in the garden, brushing teeth morning and night, dressing in the morning, going to the gym….

BROKEN YOKE, AVOCADO AND KIMCHI

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I generally like my eggs easy over. When I do just one egg for breakfast, there’s nothing to sopped up the yolk with. A runny yolk after a couple of weeks is not tasting delish even with hemp hearts and chia seeds.  I try to think of something different and equivalent for a change. I could find none. It is a perfect little meal in itself. I could get through my aerobics class without a sugar low. Since I’m this far in without a carb in the morning, I want to finish the month. So, I requested to have the yolk broken and fried. Perfect! I added half an avocado. A perfect combination in taste and texture.

What is the result of my dietary efforts thus far? I’ve decided that I would not step on the scale as a measurement of success or failure. Rather I would focus on observation, how I feel and how my clothes fit. 17 days into the Ultimate Blog Challenge and changing my diet, there are definite changes. They were minute at first but they are getting more dramatic. Maybe I am just losing fluids but it is encouraging enough to keep on. I am feeling slimmer along my neck with a lesser double chin. My belly is not so bloated and bulging. My arms don’t feel as chunky and my fingers don’t look like sausages. I can bend and flex them better. They don’t ache as much.

Aside from cutting out the toast in the morning, I am eating kimchi with lunch and supper. After buying the first jar, I am making my own, experimenting with different recipes. I think it is helping with the bloating. It’s suppose to promote good gut health. I am super delighted with my results. I am encouraged to be more conscious with what and how I eat. I try to remember to taste and feel the texture of the food I am chewing. Being mindful, I realize I do not need as much food as I had thought. I often eat out of fear of being hungry.

I need to learn how to apply my energy and success here to work with my paper clutter. Yesterday was not a good day for it at all. I did recognize when my head’s all heavy and clouded up like the sky, not to fight it. Those are the times to just do what I can and to laugh at my mistakes, try to relax and read a good book. Tomorrow will be another day.

ONE EGG, FOUR BREATHS

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Ah, a sunny summer morning! I have to treasure them. They don’t come guaranteed. We’ve had long stretches of cloudy mornings this summer. Things are not what they used to be. There’s volatility in the air. Anything can happen within a given day. Perhaps things have always been thus. I’m just waking up to reality of the impermanence and the shifting ground beneath my feet.

I’ve committed myself to this month of waking up, getting up and showing up. 16 days in, I’m becoming more conscious of each present moment. Waking up this morning, I took care to unfurl my curled up limbs, wiggle my toes and shake out my fisted hands. Blood flow eased the tension and aches. I realigned my body, head stacked atop of squared shoulders, hips beneath, etc. all the way down to my toes. Next, I did a cleansing out breath, followed by the 4-7-8 breathing exercise. Last, I adjust my attitude before getting out of bed to start the day.

16 days into this Ultimate Blog Challenge, I’ve lived up to my commitment. I’ve written every day, though I have posted 2 days in one post. Some days life calls and I have to answer. It’s all about priority and balance. I have stuck to my one egg only for breakfast except once a week when I swim in the morning. I would have breakfast after at 10 am. I would treat myself to toast and eggs.

Speaking of volatility and impermanence, the sunny day had turned cloudy. I became like Sheba, sensing the change in the atmospheric energy. I became anxious, my head cloudy and heavy. I would not be able to work myself out of a wet paper bag. I had to give up my effort at finishing this post and sorting my paper clutter. It would be wasting time and reinforcing the idea that I’m useless and hopeless.

Instead, I thought of things I could do. My mother was expecting me for her “medicinal soup” at lunch time. It was a bit early but my car is running low on gas. Why don’t I gas up first on the way? I need a few things I could get at London Drugs which is on the way. I could drop off some old used batteries for recycling there, too. Oh yes, I have a letter to mail. Maybe there’s a mailbox nearby.

I’m happy to say missions completed. Even though it was cloudy, I still felt better getting out the door. I felt somewhat apprehensive and shaky. I took care driving. It took 2 tries at the gas pump to get my correct password for my credit card. Sometimes that happens on my good days, too. I did all my stuff at London Drugs and found a mailbox outside Staples next door. My mom’s soup was delicious and nourishing. We had a good visit. She gave me some ginger candy. I came home and had an apple. Sheba got some rice and my apple peels. My auto insurance company left a voice message with the info to complete a form I didn’t know how to fill.

All is well with a light shower. The earth needs another drink.

 

THE STORM, SHEBA AND SLEEP

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We had another thunderstorm last evening. The rain hammered fiercely on the roof. It was noisy. Sheba was either too tired from the night before or else she was not bothered by the energy of this storm. She did perked up from her pillow, wandered about warily, going to the door, listening to the rain and thunder. But she did settled back on her pillow after some reassurance and petting.

The rain stopped before bedtime. We went to bed and all had a good night’s sleep. Not a peep from Sheba. How wonderful sleep felt after a night without. It is the best medicine. I felt strung out all day yesterday with the kind of tired that doesn’t let you sleep. I was a walking zombie for lack of a better description. It felt like somebody had died. It felt like a depression. I felt like behaving badly. I didn’t because I knew better.

I’m not one who rises singing. I felt like it this morning. But my lack of sleep the other night still affected my mood through the day. It went in and out. I felt pesky and irritated at times, wanting to act out. I didn’t but accepted my moodiness. I let myself feel whatever came up. I didn’t squish or squash them. They were left to do a slow simmer inside while I behaved my best on the outside. I am becoming a good Buddhist. Thank you, Pema Chodron for your wisdom.

It’s a beautiful day after the 2 rains. The temperature is perfect, with a light breeze. I could sit on the deck in the middle of afternoon. It was wonderful in my outdoor studio, painting my little index cards. Sheba is always nearby, the birds chirping in the cedars and I have my cuppa. I take care not to dip my brushes in it instead of the water. I sometimes struggle with the prompts for Daisy Yellow ICAD Challenge. But today they just came. It was so much fun, so satisfying.

Now it is getting to be almost 9 in the evening. It is still light, a splash of pale sun against the garage wall. It is so calm, a mellow yellow and tender evening. I can sit here and gaze at it forever if it lasts. But soon the light will disappear. Dusk will come, followed by the dark of the night. It is time for me to finish though it feels like I have a ton of conversation left in me. Nothing exciting or profound. They’re just the little stuff of this ordinary life. They’re as elusive as the butterfly and they fly away as quickly. I will have to wait for another day to catch them again.

AFTER THE STORM

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I did not get much sleep last night after all. But then I was not completely sleepless either. Sheba continued to be restless through the night, pacing, whimpering, and wanting in and out of the house. I talked and stroked her in between, trying to lengthen each period of calm. I remained relax, acting confident, assuring her everything was ok. I listened to Tara Brach’s podcast on my iPhone. It was an appropriate topic – The Path of Spiritual Surrender. But I can’t tell you the gist of it this morning. My mind is completely blank. It’s something I would hope for through meditation. So it’s not all bad.

Remaining calm and acting normal helped Sheba and myself as well. There had been flashes of lightning in the early part of the night but no thunder. The house was hot so most of the windows were opened. I was drifting off to sleep when the storm broke. It was furious, the wind and rain, thunder and lightning. The doors to the bathroom and bedroom slammed shut. Sheba came scampering to me, quivering. After closing the windows, we settled back in bed. I could hear her panting on her cushion. It was after 3:30 am. She felt the storm before it came.

We are none the worse for the night. We got up at our usual time, though probably not as spry. The garden got a good soaking. The raised beds are a bit soggy with the excessive water dripping from the drains. The rain barrels got refilled. The lettuce and carrots got a little flattened, but they’ve recovered. Already it is hot with the sun shining brightly. If not for the puddles of water and the dirt and debris from the fast and hard driving rain, you would not suspect there had been a thunder storm.

We’ve have had our morning constitutional walk. Now I am enjoying another cuppa in my outdoor space before it gets too hot. Sheba is catching up on her sleep. There’s a hum of a lawnmower and the whoosh of traffic. Above them, the birds are serenading me. It’s a beautiful Sunday morning. I have no wants but the present moment.

I’ve been reading a little bit of Pema Chondron’s writings every day. Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change contains wisdom I need. The wisdom soaks in, little by little every day. Understanding is the key to change. When I finally ‘get it’, it is illuminating. No wonder they call it a ‘lightbulb moment’. Understanding can and has eased my anguish over many things. I am more at peace with myself and the world. That is not to say I GOT IT and that is the end of the story.

No, I’m still struggling. The struggle never ends. When it does, I think that’s when life is over. I’m struggling still, but I am kinder to myself. I cut myself some slack. I try not to take ownership of everything, good or bad. I am not that powerful. I am not God. I’m more awake, more engaged, more interested, more eager. I am committed in living a meaningful, in the moment life. I will keep on brainstorming and learning in this, my own creative space.

 

 

TWISTS AND TURNS

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I had my passport photos done this morning. Hallelujah! “Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There’s a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” Forgive my little outburst of Leonard Cohen’s verse from Anthem. How could I help it? Such perfect lines. I want to be the author.

I am one step closer to getting my passport and to travelling to a foreign country if the desire or need comes up. I’m surprised that starting this process does stir up the juices. I am no longer feeling lazy and as complacent with my status quo. My interest is peaked and my vitality increased. I’ve gone as far as to visiting and talking with a travel agent.

So that was Friday. Was that only yesterday? Seemed so long ago. So many twists and turns to the day(s). I just have to twist, turn and sometimes shout with them. Sheba is in one of her moods. She is pacing here and there, wants to go out, then wants to come in, yips and cries. It is hard to tell if it is anxiety or something else. If only dogs can talk. I hope she will settle down soon. I hope she will let me sleep tonight.

It is like tending a baby or a patient. They’re fussing because they are uncomfortable. I will have to do the best I can. I remember having such a patient. It had to be on a night shift when staff was minimal. The patient was a young 30ish woman with lupus. She was having an anxiety attack and wanted me to sit with her for awhile. And so I did but I could only do it for a short time. I had a patient load of 12 patients. She got more stressed and distressed as soon as I left. Of course, her blood pressure and other symptoms escalated. I phoned the resident on call. He came, read her chart, but did not go to see the patient.

This went on and on. The patient called her mother in to sit with her. I felt very bad and helpless. I told the resident that it wasn’t right for him to just read her chart. He needed to have hands on. His story was that he was advised by a colleague to be careful that this patient’s needs and demands doesn’t eat him alive. True, we have to have boundaries but this was poorly handled. I felt that if he had spent some time with her, it would have saved a lot of chaos for all of us. She got herself so worked up that I had to move her into the Observation Unit.

I’m remembering all this with Sheba now. So here I am, tapping by candlelight (joking). It soothes me. It must soothe her, too. She’s laying quietly on her pillow beside me. I will stay up awhile longer. Let her relax a bit. If need, I guess I can sleep on the Lazy Boy or loveseat. I hate to move and get her all antsy again. She and I had been sleepless for one week one time. We both don’t want a repeat performance. So TLC with firmness.

This is for day 12 and 13 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I wanted to do better but too many twists and turns. Oops, Sheba just got up. I hope she’s ready for bed and not fussing.

ANOTHER DAY, NO DOLLARS

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It’s afternoon already, almost time for Sheba’s walk.  I need to peck out a few sentences before that happens. She’s barking her fool head off, answering a neighbouring puppy’s yips. I suppose dogs need to talk, too, but dang! They are noisy. They make it hard for me to think. Every time I get up, she has to follow. Talk about separation anxiety.

There, finally quiet except for the whoosh of traffic on the front street. It’s a beautiful day to be sitting out. Warm but not too hot, with a gentle breeze. It’s heaven here, tapping and drinking my decaf. I have made the kimchi this morning. It is going to be delicious – colourful and spicy. The blend of garlic, cayenne, paprika and ginger was quite strong. I had to open the kitchen window wide to air it out. The kimchi is now sitting in 2 pretty jars to ferment for 5 days. I can’t wait!

I did get a start on the paper stuff. I worked on my application for a new passport. I let my previous one expire without renewing for too long. Now I had to do the long application form. It’s mostly finished. It wasn’t too difficult but it did tax my brain. It doesn’t like to read instructions. I had to do my 4-7-8 breathing exercise to relax into it. When I look at the forms, I get overwhelmed by all the words and sentences. I had to take my time, not rush, and read each sentence, one by one. It’s the main reason I hate doing paperwork. I want everything to be done with a blink of an eye or a tap on the ENTER key.

Well, it’s getting late. I’m getting tired. Sheba got walked. The carrots got thinned, the front yard flower bed got watered and weeded. Supper’s ate. The wine is gone. Time to close down for the evening. I will be back tomorrow.

SOME THINGS CAN WAIT

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I’m in a slacking off mood today. I feel I deserve/have earned it. I indulge myself in that feeling in small bits. I must have developed some backbone and discipline through these 9 days of the challenge. I’ve been able to rein myself in, rise up and out of the chair and deal with the day. Oh, I do give myself a short block of time to read my mystery novel and to sip my tea. I know that if I give into an all morning or afternoon lounging marathon, I will not get much else done.

To be open and accountable, I have not made any move towards my paperwork from yesterday. They’re still waiting but the urgent parts are dealt with. Today was an exercise morning. I took care to do a bit of housekeeping in the 30 spare minutes I had. Regular maintenance is efficient and time saving. I also took time after our exercise class to check on a travel plan. Timely information is helpful in making timely decisions. And I haven’t always been very proactive. You know how it is – the wish for something magical without having to do anything. I know that it’s an impossibility but I still want it.

Being a somewhat odd ball, I have to confess that I quite enjoyed cleaning up the lunch dishes today. It was such a pleasant experience after my previous feelings towards them. It was easy. There was no struggle in doing them. It was like finding my way out of the forest after being lost for so long. Laugh if you must but I feel so good. I’m not worried if I don’t get to the paperwork today. Tomorrow will do just as well. I have plans of making a kale, cabbage and radish kimchi. And Sheba still needs to be walked.

I’m glad that I didn’t caved in to my reading jag. I’m happy I could put down Heartbreak Hotel. It’s getting very interesting but I haven’t jumped ahead and read the ending yet. I used to do that alot but I’ve stopped. I’ve been practicing being mindful and read page by page in order. I think it is quieting my frenzied brain.

 It is now after seven. Sheba’s been walked. Supper is over. The kimchi will have to wait till tomorrow along with the paperwork. The garden had called, demanding attention. It wanted water and the kohlrabi seedlings wanting more space in between. Some things couldn’t wait. So here I am, tired after all that. I’m tapping my last words, bringing an end to my day.

MY NEMESIS

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It’s a perfect afternoon sitting in my outdoor space. Warm but not too hot. The birds are chirping behind me in the cedars. The traffic whooshing by in the background. Sheba’s asleep on the deck floor. I’m facing a blank screen. It’s the 9th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. What shall I talk about today?

Pardon me but I have to get up, stretch and shake out my legs. It will give me a chance to do my breathing exercise. Maybe movement and more oxygen to the brain will loosen and free up my creativity. This writing challenge is holding me accountable to my words. It’s been a week of an egg with no toast in the morning for breakfast. I decorate it alternately with hemp and chia seeds. I prefer the hemp. It has a pleasant nutty taste. The chia is rather seedy and snappy, getting into the teeth. I haven’t stepped on the scale nor plan to. I’ve been rewarded with less jowls. That’s my measuring stick.

Now I have to work on my other nemesis. It’s no secret that I hate paying bills and paperwork. They send my brain into a frenzy. Seeing that my credit card bills are due today, I had to sit down and deal with them and other crap this morning. The bills are paid, insurances and car plate updated. The paper pile remains on my desk. There’s only so much my brain can handle at one go. But I must follow up tomorrow with sorting and filing. There’s also a couple of things I need to send in the mail.

That very thought unsettled me. I had to get up and make a black decaf and eat a couple of chocolate covered almonds. It stayed at only 2. What will power, eh? I will work hard at avoiding unpleasant tasks. I will approach my bill paying and paperwork like my after-lunch dishes – mindfully. In the end, it will not be dreaded.