Monthly Archives: April 2018

AN UNLOADER’S REGRET

Posted on by
Reply

Sometimes I feel foolish being here, day after day. But it is the need of conversation and  a friend that I return. It is true that I am my own best friend. Who has walked in my shoes and see my exact point of view? I feel it is foolish to tell another, “I understand. I get it. I know where you are. Been there. Done that.” We each have our own unique experiences and way of seeing the world. We couldn’t possibly understand another’s. All I can do is accept another’s when they tell me. Believe and don’t try to change or contradict. That is my motto.

It is here that I get to talk without interruption or correction. No one will say, Who’s THEY?  No one will tell me I’m making assumptions. Before I go on and forget, I can tell you now who THEY are. They are our human tribe. I hope no one will demand who the THEY are from me any more. In my space, I can speak without judgement. No one will tell me that I say outloud what others would think only. It’s good I’ve unleashed my dark twin. I am getting a load off my mind.

Speaking of loads, it is quite difficult to rid them. Attachments have deep holds even though they serve no purpose. I felt so elated after doing my tax return this morning. It was a heavy load off my mind. In the process, I found that I’m not totally dizzy, ditzy and disorganized. I felt it was a good time to unload more of my outdated nursing texts and journals into the recycle bin. I gathered all the hard covered Nursing Skills manual. They were in excellent condition. I don’t think I’ve ever actually read one. Regret coursed through my body. I put them back on the shelf. Then I gathered them up again and ran outside. Into the bin they went. My logical self had asked: Of what purpose do they serve on the shelf for another 30 years?

My book shelves are getting thinned and dusted. I am sure I will experience more regret as I rid more of what is not needed anymore. It is not the books or objects that I am attached to. It is the memories they invoke. The regret over choices made, things not done, etc. There is only one path we can go down at any one time. Too bad we can’t straddle them all. Maybe hanging onto stuff is the straddle.  I’m afraid of letting go. It is really being stuck and unable to go forward.

The feelings of regret and pining over choices not made are human. They are short lived like the ones of a buyer’s regret. I remember I’ve said  “My God, what have I done!” over many purchases. All that evorporated with the enjoyment of the piano, house renovations, my Bernina sewing machine. I’m making real progress now, however slow it may be. An inch, a book, a square a day can add up to quite a bit in a year. I have alot of books but not 365 – I think.

 

 

SPEAKING FROM MY DARK SIDE

Posted on by
2

I’ll tell you a secret. Maybe you know it already. It is no secret after all, except to me. Life never lets up. There’s always something or other coming at you. I’m on to it now. I might not be all caught up with everything but I am keeping pace. I am not behind. I can’t say that I’m any happier knowing this secret. Life is easier knowing it. I think I understand a little better that universal laws that govern all of us. They are not personal. That is how they are.

That is not to say that I don’t take things personally sometimes. That’s how I am. That’s how we all are. That is the law of gravity and being human. Sometimes we fall/fail. What goes up must come down. Being in this frame of mind now, I have a different view of Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements. Possibly my shadow side has taken over my keyboard. But then it has always been my dominant self. I’ve been fighting it too much and too hard. Since this is my space, I should let it have a say once in awhile.

So what are the 4 agreements? They are four principles that Miguel Ruis came up with after a life changing experience. They are practices to help you to have a life of love and happiness.

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I am not a bad person but I really have a ton of trouble living up to these agreements. My ears perk up and I come to attention when I hear an inkling of gossip. I don’t thrive on malicious stuff but I do come alive with people news. Excuse me, but I do take many things personally, especially when they are directed at me. I do get wounded by unkind, thoughtless remarks and acts. I’m not into drama. I try not to assume but I know I do. I take things at face value. I’m judgemental. I’m disappointed when someone doesn’t practice what they preach.  I guess #4 saves me. I can at least say I’m doing the best I can.

My dark angel has spoken. She is not ashamed of the flawed self. I’m not either. I am not in search of love or happiness. I just need a reason to get up every morning. I am grateful that I have and that I am tenacious in getting up and showing up day after day. I am faulty but with purpose. Can you say the same?

I AM DONE

Posted on by
Reply

The wind is still blowing. It rattles things on the deck as if someone is out there. The howling tires me, draining my vitality. The dishes spread before me. It is habit that saves me and moves me on. Now they are clean and draining on the counter. I get to sit before my keyboard with my cup of tea. I am pondering my feelings and words. How do I describe them? How am I going to deal with them? The wind carries on. A crow caws. I sip my tea.

I discovered yesterday that laundry baskets are not easy to deal with. Even though I was intent in emptying it once and for all, it was still difficult to do.  After fiddling around with a few articles, I had to lay it aside again for another time.  No use wasting energy when the timing was wrong. Instead I turned to the wall unit and bookshelves in the basement. They are full of stuff and dust as well. Here was a starting point, an opening for a beginning. That’s what most is needed – a beginning.

It is evening. How the day sped by, though I felt slow as molasses in winter. Supper is done and so is my glass of wine. I am tapping the last words to this post. The wind hasn’t stopped its lament. It’s crying still. It was wicked walking Sheba in it but it is done. I am, too, but in a good way. I just had to put one foot in front of the other. Somehow things have a way of taking care of themselves.

 

 

SUNDAY, BEFORE THE RAINS COME

Posted on by
2

It is after lunch. Lethargy seeps into every part of me, body and mind. I want to vegetate forever and forever. If I was to allow it, the food, pots and dishes would sit there till mold grows. I wonder how I ever held down a job. The wonder of it was that I was in a high stress, 12-hour-shifts nursing profession for over 30 years. I thought I did well but looking back now, maybe not. I attended to the job but not to my life. My still-full laundry basket of laundered clothes still sits from 4 years ago when I was still working. Clearly, I haven’t missed those items. Maybe, too, I don’t want to dig into that basket of memories. BUT, I will tend to it today.

I have been missing in action here for a few days. I was tending to my body and soul. Sometimes I have to take a rest into the quiet, still my thoughts, silence my words and not let them march onto the page. Silence is golden. Some things I need to keep for myself. Otherwise, I will have nothing of my own. I will be emptied out.

It is hard to resume the conversation though. It is like the after lunch dishes. If left too long, things get stale and crusty. It would require more energy to get going. I had to get up and fetch a cuppa. My eyes were droopy. It would be so easy just to curl up and have a nap. But I’m stuttering on, letting my fingers find the rhythm and the letters. The clouds are gathering, the wind picking up. I hear a train whistle. I better not tarry. There’s Sheba to be walked – hopefully before the rains come.

MY CLAIM TO SUCCESS

Posted on by
6

This winter never will never end. It snowed again this morning. I see fine flakes floating around. I wonder if spring will come this year. The snow, the melt, the ice and water is wearing me down. They are all the things that I have no control. I better buckle up, give my buttercup self and pep talk and march on.

I’m marching one letter, then another across this page. I’m stringing them into words, sentences and thoughts. It gives me comfort to bend and tap my fingers on the keyboard. I am being proactive. I’m brainstorming and problem solving. I am not sitting inert in my gloom and misery. I am not stuck in myself. I’m sitting in my therapy chair, the therapist and patient, all in one. It’s very cost and otherwise effective. I don’t have very far to go and I’m not boring some stranger with my whining.

Since I have no one to impress but myself, I tend to stay with the facts. It cuts down the feeling sorry for myself blues. I have been paying attention to my conversations with other people. I find no satisfaction in reiterating past events and past wrongs. Rather, the opposite happens. It leaves me feeling worse. The best course of action for me is to leave it here on the page. I can censor, edit, add and delete here. In the physical world, once the cat is out of the bag, you can’t get it back in. Sometimes I would suffer the claw wounds if that was possible. It isn’t – POSSIBLE.

I’m just back from my afternoon walk with Sheba. Had thoughts of skipping today as it looked HARD with more wet snow. I had a talk with myself and buckled up my resolve. Don’t think. Put the leash on Sheba, shoes on me and GO. It worked and was easier than yesterday. Another difficult task done. I find so many things difficult. I am such a whiner. I whine but I do them. I almost said, let’s go out for lunch, too. The thought of bringing out and banging the pans around felt HARD. I was groaning inside. But once I started chopping the onions, the rest was history. The secret of any success is the START. It really isn’t such a secret but it feels good to claim the discovery of it.

 

LIKE A DREAM LOST

Posted on by
Reply

It’s upsetting how stress can upset my day and body, even though it wasn’t mine. And it wasn’t all that critical. What do you do when you share the household? You can’t help but listen and help with the problem solving. Well, everything is resolved after four days. Four days is enough for it to seep into my system and my dreams. Now, I’m left with the excess and residual frustrations. It’s very well for the guy now that he has received his supplies. He goes off to his workshop.

I’m left here to solve my own frustrations, how to best regain my composure to get on with my program and day. I do have one, an important one, however meager and nondescript it may sound. The goal of my program is how not to let problems be so frustrating that they disrupt and rob me of energy. Problems are to be solved. Frustrations cannot be avoided at times. It is best I learn the skill of ‘dissolving’ it. Let it flow out of me.

I can see now that after the frustration/anger or whatnot is resolved, their energy still hangs around. It is up to me to diffuse it. The rhythm of tapping is soothing for me. With each tap I feel myself feeling calmer and seeing clearly. My feelings are my own responsibility. I do have the choice of how I react/deal with any situation. I do not blame anyone for my own misery. I find it very interesting how the day can get away on me. Now I’m calling it back. I do have that ability.

The day did not get away on me completely. I recognized that my mind was disturbed and disrupted. I used that disturbed energy to do the dirty work – like putting in a load of laundry. The energy was there to be used somehow and lo and behold it was done and hung to dry without much effort. I proceeded to water my bedding plants. The butternut squash seemed to be outgrowing their pots. They were transplanted into bigger ones. All done without much awareness. It doesn’t matter. Things got done. I am now aware.

It is helpful to take stock, to physically tap out the letters, words and sentences. I feel as if my morning was a dream lost. I’ve recaptured it and more. Now on with the show. This is it.

LET’S TALK ABOUT IT

Posted on by
2

My morning self is a more positive side even in this sea of grief that we are presently in. At some point last night, I had to stop watching the vigil honouring the Humboldt Broncos.  Otherwise, it would be difficult to extricate myself from overwhelming sadness. As it is the thoughts of the accident and deaths are always there, just beneath the surface.

April can be such a hard month. The sky is grey. It is snowing. Spring is not ready to show itself. On this morning memories of other tragic accidents surface. Young lives were lost in those motor vehicle mishaps from high school days. We were given the information at the time. Someone died. But there was no counselling and talk sessions after. Perhaps it is better now  to have all this media coverage.  We need to hear all the stories as much as the people need to tell them. So good that there’s emotional and psychological support available to people so quickly. We have come a long ways in dealing with trauma.

I shall meander through this time as best as I can. It is not my sadness but we all share the same space, breathe the same air. We are all bonded in our humanity. Let me not shy away from what is here. It is not my sadness. It is not my story but I can sit and listen. I will shed some tears but I will be okay.

 

 

 

LIFE, DEATH AND TRASH

Posted on by
Reply

I was surprised that I did sleep well last night. But my worms are alive and wiggling again this morning. Our province and I’m sure other parts of the country are awashed with grief. 15 people were killed over the weekend when the Humboldt Broncos junior hockey team bus collided with a transport truck. There are no words to describe but I’ll try to tap dance my way out. It serves no purpose to be caught in darkness and hopelessness. I might as well get on with shedding my mental and physical trash.

I have never found an easy journey, not any that’s worth travelling. First of all, you have to know your destination, where you want to arrive or achieve. Then you have to know the directions and how to’s. You would need a vehicle or tools. Do you have enough fuel or the desire. These are the considerations before you start out. I have failed in the past because lack of planning and thinking out the steps. Now that I know better, how am I doing?

I like to think I’m doing better. I know I am doing very well. I have a destination. I have tools. I have focus. I have read 70% of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. It contains very good information of how and why we became who we are. Understanding is the key to any procedure/change. It is the aha/lightbulb moment. It is tricky though. Now I see. Then I don’t see. I’ve had to give things a rest until I see again. It is difficult but I am persistent in emptying my mental trash along with my physical and computer trash.

It is almost noon. Time to think about and prepare lunch. My Roomba is going up and down the hall, having vacuumed the bedroom and the bathroom. Cleanliness is next to holiness in my humble opinion. No more trash is my new motto.

 

LAYING GHOSTS TO REST

Posted on by
Reply

It is the latest I’ve come to this space yet. I had considered not showing up at all but things  are niggling in the recesses of my mind. I don’t want them there at this hour to linger and cause wakefulness through the night. I want to chase them out onto the page. I can’t really identify their identities. Maybe the exercise of tapping on the keys will chase them out. I have a sense they are the ghosts that used to haunt me in my dreams. They are not welcomed back.

I have been learning so much valuable insight from Caroline Myss’ videos on her workshop on Understanding Your Own Power. I see how I have been losing my own personal power. It’s such a simple thing when you see. It’s a whole bunch of lightbulbs lighting up. Bing! Bing! Bing! I can’t really articulate it. I’ve been into the wine again. One glass will do it. Besides, I do not want to articulate it. It’s for me to understand. It is for everyone else to understand it for themselves. But here’s 4 questions that she posed to work on to help you.

  1. Name 3 ways you are influenced by the outside world but which you don’t want it to.
  2. Name 3 people who have too much influence over you and you don’t want them to.
  3. Name 3 people you influence too much.
  4. Name the beliefs that you have and nurture even if you know that they are not true.

I will ponder and work on these questions tomorrow. My ghosts are laid to rest. No worms or other things niggling in my head. I can sleep tonight.

DROPOUTS and FANTASIES

Posted on by
Reply

Today I felt like a dropout. I wanted to drop out of aerobics. I want to drop out of doing everything, even walking Sheba.  I didn’t though. What else would I do? I sucked it up, packed my gym bag and headed out the door. I have had this feeling on many occasions. There have been more than once that I’ve thought it would be nice if everything was taken care of for me. But who would want that job? It’s a nice fantasy but I really don’t think I would like to be so helpless.

I  toughed it out, putting my mind to do my best. I was moving my body. I was sweating. I was burning calories, making serotonin. I was getting a workout. It doesn’t have to be fun to be beneficial. Today, it wasn’t fun though Tabata is my favourite workout. Somedays are like that you know. Somedays everything feels like work. So I worked it! Taking Sheba out was groaning time again. Easter’s come and gone but it’s still damn cold and unpleasant.

Supper’s come and gone. I’m sitting here sipping my wine, trying to tap out an ending. I’m feeling a little more mellow. I’ve transplanted a few more broccoli seedlings, painted another index card and cut my hair. I got a load in the washer waiting for me to push on. Maybe I should try coming here in the morning for a change. My outlook is more positive. I wouldn’t be tapping my mood all over the page. I might have more ideas to share.

The thing is I like to sit with my tea  in the quiet of the morning. I like to enjoy the sweet nothings of that time before the day starts. After it does, everything rushes in to fill every space and corner. So for now, I shall keep it for myself.