Tag Archives: SAD

TREPIDATIONS AND OBLIGATIONS

Posted on by
Reply

December 20, 2018  11:13 am

Time has a tricky way of sneaking away on me when I’m not careful. It’s not a bad thing if I’m sidetracked by something useful. I was – looking up my nephew’s YouTube video of how to cook a delicious turkey in a short time.

3:30 pm

Where did the day go? I am tired and there’s Sheba to walk yet.  The day is good. Got lots done even though I was sidetracked by YouTube. First it was the turkey. Then there was Bernina sewing videos but they’re good and useful. I have a few minutes here to breathe and tap. The chocolate chip cookies are done. We’re waiting for the doggy biscuits to come out of the oven. Maybe another 15 minutes or so.

December 22, 2018  11:09 am

Sheba and I have been on a walk or two since I’ve been here. When I leave, it is difficult to come back unless I make a point of it. So here I am, cleaned, relaxed and warmed by my morning swim. Wanting to get there was not an easy, natural thing. The morning was dark and uninviting. I headed out with reluctance and trepidations. But I had the memory of the peaceful blue of the pool, the ropes of the lanes buoying gently in the warm soothing water. I felt the aches of my stiff unyieldy body. I could see myself wading in and gliding off in its warmth.

It was no surprise that I was the only one there this morning. I felt good that I showed up. The lifeguard was a lanky youth, his first day on the job, he said. I hoped I gave him a sense of purpose. He wasn’t guarding just an empty pool. I was a potential someone to be rescued. I used to feel uncomfortable to be the only swimmer, that I was taking up someone’s time. Now I enjoy the idea that the pool was just for me.

Murky thoughts crept into my mind as I went up and down the lanes. I was there working out while the rest of the world was busy with their lives, family, friends making ready for all the happiness of Christmas. Thoughts of being a loser floated in as I blew bubbles in the water and raising my face to take a breath. Never mind that I’ve never enjoyed all the frenzies of shopping for perfect gifts and all the obligations of being loudly happy and comfortable in the traditions not of my culture.

8:00 pm

It is the evening of the day and I’m feeling its melancholia. I tell myself it’s a fake mood like fake news. It’s not real. It’s my brain malfunctioning. It’s not my fault. It is the time of the day when my body is winding down to ready for bedtime. Goodnight to one and all. Tomorrow is a new day.

 

 

 

EXPLOSION AND IMPLOSION

Posted on by
4

December 14, 2018  4:32 pm

Afternoons are harder than mornings, especially December afternoons. December mornings are so dark but at least I look forward to the sun rise. There’s the anticipation and eagerness in the waiting. Afternoons in the after 3 pm slot, the sun at its best is like tepid tea, weak and past its shine. Often I find my feelings sinking with its setting. Oh, but I am like a well-trained dog. I can still haul ass with Sheba for our daily walk. Does not matter that each step feels like pulling teeth. I count each one till we’re home again and be couch potatoes.

I wonder at why things are difficult when they’re not really. I can not make sense of it so I try to do at least one thing/per day that I’ve been putting off. Today it was putting away the yogurt maker. It’s not physically hard but my mind haven’t been able to cooperate. I’ve been looking and walking around it for days now. But it’s finally been wiped down and put in its place. I struggle with stupid things like that. Now I’m talking about it.

But at least I am talking. Can you imagine holding all those stupid and crazy things inside. I would explode. I have exploded and imploded. It was traumatic. I will never do that again.

December 16, 2018  9:07 am

I am baking bread this morning. Waiting for the water to cool enough before adding the yeast and honey. One time I didn’t wait long enough and we had lots of dead dough for doggy biscuits for Sheba and pizza crust. It was still very tasty -delicious as a matter of fact. However, it’s not enough for me to repeat the process.

It’s a good that I have ‘chores’ to do. If I didn’t, I’m apt to give in to my natural inclination of lounging and moping. I feel as energetic and ambitious as an Energize Bunny with dead batteries. I wouldn’t even give one beat on my drum.

December 18, 2018  10:03 am

My batteries are not completely dead. I’m not moving very fast but I’m moving steadily, one foot in front of the other. My left brain is talking to my right brain. You can do it, so just do it! It listens and does its part. I’m happy that my yin/yang twins are working together. I’m trying to do do all the right things, not avoiding the difficult stuff and creating more elephants in my room. I cleared the table, sort the unmentionables and sweep out the dust bunnies hiding in corners. It does clear my brain and unload the heavies. The clean laundry is folded and put away. Soup is on in the Instant Pot. I hope I will have some juice for creative fun later.

MY DEFECTIVE HARD DRIVE

Posted on by
Reply

December 12, 2018  8:23 am

We’re steadily heading towards the shortest day of the year. It’s no surprise that it’s dark out and the house lights are on. I know I’m harping on the darkness. It’s my brain. It’s better I ventilate and let out the darkness. Hoarding it inside would only make it grow.

7:57 pm

I can’t say that the day was a success or that it went badly. It was heavy and sluggish. I just put one foot in front of the other and proceeded forward ho.  It helps to have a routine. I move according to program. I vacuumed as much as I had time before leaving for my exercise class this morning. I’m finding it very therapeutic, doing something that is needed instead of squandering the time away. It’s surprising how much one can do in minutes. It gives me structure and time later to work on something or languish as desired.

I struggled through the step aerobics even with an instructor shouting out instructions. My brain is malfunctioning and I am not feeling exactly gleeful and lightfooted. I did the best I could. Sometimes I adjusted my speed, repeat times 2 instead of 3. What the hell. I was moving and that’s what counts. I don’t have to enjoy it. My brain is not cooperating. It is not my fault. I still sweated. Does that count? I still walked Sheba in the afternoon. I kept thinking of taking a shorter walk the whole time. But I didn’t.

Today hasn’t been a ton of fun but I’m not crying either. It is what it is. This, too, shall pass. I’m still upright, looking normal and doing what I normally do. I’m reading a thriller, The Girl From Home. It’s exactly what my brain needs, something easy to grab onto. I tinkered a bit with my free motion embroidery after lunch. After working on machine embroidery for awhile, it is harder to go back to. I have to reset how I see and make a picture. I have to wing it on my own. No computerized motiff, no perfect programmed stitches. I am the computer, one without a program and a defective hard drive.

MY PRETEND SWIM

Posted on by
Reply

These cloudy wet autumn days are starting to get on my nerve! Sheba is getting on that one nerve that’s left, too. Every time I get up, I feel like I’m getting a FBI escort. Most of the time I’m just heading to the kitchen to get a cuppa. She’s thinking food. Me also if I was telling the truth.

I can do absolutely nothing about the weather. I sure feel its changes though – summer, autumn, winter and spring. I’m a sensory being. I feel all the changes of temperature, pressure and probably even wind velocity. I probably have more feelers than most people. You would think I’m a spider with all these feelers. It has its advantages and disadvantages. I’m only aware of the disadvantages right now – the aches, pains, fatigue, sleepiness and then there’s the moods.

The advantages are maybe coping has pushed me to investigate the whys, wherefores and hows to have a good life despite everything. I’ve been an avid reader of anything and everything pertaining to depression, chronic pain, SAD, nutrition, supplements, mindfulness, etc. I’ve eased up a bit in the last few years. I’m spending more time dabbling with my paints and sewing machine. Being engaged in meaningful and rewarding activities take my mind off those nagging and distressful symptoms of pain and anxiety. I must be producing those feel good endorphins with my paint brushes and Bernina.

These days, I try to think of solutions instead of staying in my pit of misery. I didn’t make it to my Saturday morning swim yesterday. I did today even though I felt like hell. I felt green with total body pain and fatigue. I didn’t voiced any declarations the night before in case I couldn’t live up to it. To make it a successful mission, I had to plan for success. I packed my gym bag with all my necessities way ahead. When the time came, I just had to walk out the door with it. I eliminated excuses and delays. There was no searching for my shampoo, goggles, earplugs, etc.

I didn’t plan for an Olympic swim today. It was just a splash or two. It was just to wet and loosen up my body. It was just a pretend swim. And that’s what it was – 6 lengths up and down the pool. Then a few minutes in the whirlpool. Mission completed. I stopped and visited my mother on the way home. She fed me goji soup and gave me some Chinese pastries given to her from her friends. I don’t say no to my mother when she offers me her soup. I am happy that she is still able to make it. I can’t say no either when she gives me stuff. That’s my mother – giving.

SOMETHINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR

Posted on by
Reply

I mumble mostly about the mundanes of my extraordinary ordinary life. I’m starting to feel I’m a very boring person with a boring life. I’m repeating the same stories over and over. I’m not doodling the same old, same old YET while I’m telling the stories. I’m thinking of an orderly I used to work with who did that. He got dementia after he retired. I’ve been retired for five years now.

I’m happy about the retirement part. Thank God that I don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn. Thank God that I don’t have to work a 12 hour night. Thank God that I don’t have to save lives anymore. I sound callous, don’t I? Maybe I am in this moment. It’s a very cloudy September day. And now it is really snowing. I feel ever so sleepy and zapped of energy. I want to close my eyes, sit or lay down every minute of today. I’m remembering having to work for a living whilst feeling thus.

I’m feeling grateful that I don’t have to put on a front anymore. I’m feeling grateful that I don’t have to put my best foot forward or outward. I can stay home and let everything hang out. BUT I’ve roused myself out of sleepiness and have made a run at the lunch dishes. And DONE. Sometimes I like a vacation from myself. I sound pathetic, don’t I? Though my motto is to leave some hope and possible solutions on the page, I don’t always succeed.

But let me think and try to fulfill that part of my mission. I’m not feeling and performing my best but I know that could be a part of my SAD. Feelings are not always indictive of truths. I could be grasping for excuses but I am feeling and doing much better underneath all this crap. I am not feeling weighed down with things left undone. I’ve been tending to everyday life. There’s bravery in shouldering and resolving those icky, boring facts of life.

Alas, I’m getting sleepy again. I must get up and stretch a little. My brain is not functioning on all cylinders. I have been idling too long. I must move on to another task.

 

 

THIS DAY

Posted on by
Reply

I was sleepy as soon as I woke up this morning. I was hungry right after breakfast. I think my body is getting ready for winter. If I was a bear, I would look for a hollow log to sleep in. Since I’m not, I have to find ways of functioning while sleeping on my feet. I could be a one woman band and call myself The Sleepy Head.

How did I do today? I tried not to sit too long at any one time. It is torture to get up again then. I did the hard stuff first – in the morning. After everything is said and done, the hard stuff was not so tough. I made 3 quarts of tomato sauce. The thing to do is not think. Just do, one step after another until fait accompli. Then I wonder: What was the hard all about? The sauce is in the freezer and everything cleaned and put away.

It is good for me to keep up with my routine, to keep up with tapping on the keyboard, painting my little index cards and walking Sheba. They help me stay on track, keep my eyes open and my spirits up. Aside from drowsiness, wanting to curl up on the couch with my quilt and closing my eyes, I feel fine. It helps to have sunny days. Even so, I struggled to keep going. I would have rather sat on the deck and study my toes than walk Sheba. But no matter what, I always rise to the occasion. I had to push not to cut our walk short. Just one more block was how I egged myself on. It was a lovely afternoon as we trudged leisurely among autumn’s golden glory.

So don’t think. Put one foot in front of the other. It’s a good motto. It works. I will use whatever works. Measurable results are what matters. I have 3 jars of tomato sauce in the freezer. I’ve painted, walked Sheba and my dining table is still clear or will be in a minute. What more can I ask for this day? It is enough.

 

ON TRACK

Posted on by
1

I’m still on track. My dining table is still clear. I know it’s only a few days into September. I should not be crowing success yet but it does cheer me. I will use whatever tools that will help. Getting up, dressing up and showing up every day works. I’m feeling more positive and energized. I wasn’t that way when I woke at 6 this morning. It was still dark. I was stiff and feeling yucky, for lack of a better word. I do not want to stay in this world of yucks. That’s my reason for embarking on my year of inquiry into everything.

I inquire of myself: Is it true? Do I really feel yucky? I tried to sink into that feeling. Then I asked how I would feel if I didn’t believe in that thought. I tell myself my body was just in the motion of waking and warming up. It’s not sick. It’s not depressed. Somehow the questions lifted some of the nauseous heaviness. Yes, nauseous was how yucky felt. At least I’ve identified it.

How are you on rising? Are you one who rises smiling and shining? You are indeed lucky if you are. However, I now believe that I can choose how I feel. I’ve given much lip service to the adage fake it till you make it. Now I’m doing it. If I practice an action enough, it will become a habit. Granted that I am but human, I know I will not be successful all the time. For one thing, it is not always appropriate. Nobody can or should smile and shine in times of a catastrophe or grief. But I can try to be a more positive and silent person. I don’t have to whine so much.

How was your day? My day turned out pretty well after all. The sun was out at 7 am. I took time to drink in all its delight. I let it infuse me with its light. It warmed and soothed my sore spots. It set the tone for the rest of the day. My step was lighter as I left the house for my exercise class. I worked a little harder, stretching a little more to reach that unreachable star. This is my quest. One should always have dreams. And I do.

 

 

 

 

O IS FOR OPTIMISM

Posted on by
Reply

I’m a little late in getting up and dressing up today. I lingered a little longer over Sue Grafton’s G is for Gumshoe this morning. I had trouble putting it down. I love the book cover. I love the character, Kinsey Millhone. I fewl happy and secure in tagging along with her. I’m practicing discipline so I put it down. I went downstairs and hung up the laundry. Then I painted my index card for the 365 Something 2018 Challenge. I was in danger of abandoning it. I had given up on it for a little while. It’s that discipline thing. I completed day 179 this morning.

Then I had trouble wanting to fold up the dried linen. I stood there looking at it. There’s no use trying to understanding it. There’s no need in understanding it. I just have to do it and put it all away. And so I did. I know I am not the only person with such feelings. I can hear different conversations in my memory.

“I don’t know why I don’t do it. I have the things for it. But I don’t do it. I don’t know why. I know I should do it but I don’t.” 

I can hear myself offering advice and suggestions of “Why don’t you try this? Why don’t you try that?”  I was never successful. Nobody ever took my advice/suggestions. I was left feeling pissed off most of the time. Now I’m seeing I’m as guilty as they are but I DO try. I have trouble with keeping it up.

collage

Yesterday, I talked about metamorphosis. It’s only later that I realize it is kind of retarded for me to talk about it at my age. Do I have time left to morph? I am no spring chicken as they say. I am on a pension for crying out loud. I must be somewhat retarded. My head is still stuck in youth. I’m still thinking about when I grow up. I guess it is not a bad thing. I still have optimism. I have hope. I am still looking forward.

Today I am not quite as sleepy. The sun is out. Most of my ‘must dos’ are done. The rest of the day is just gravy/groovy.

METAMORPHOSIS

Posted on by
Reply

I’ve gotten up, dressed up and here I am with my cup of tea. My fingers are not cooperating. They’re a little stiff. I open and close my hands. Not too bad. They’ve been worse. But I can see that there will be no magic today. It will be hard work. It was like that yesterday with my desk. I had to work at it to sort and clear. It’s not perfect but I have some space with no dust.  My cleared dining table from yesterday is still clear. A miracle.

I will take what magic that comes my way. Yesterday I was contemplating about the mystery of my body and chemistry. This morning, A Year of Inquiry showed up on my Facebook page. Talk about synchronicity! It’s based on the works of Byron Katie. I’m a self help junkie. If I don’t help myself, who will? I don’t wait to be rescued. I like to learn and do my own research. The live and online workshops are a little pricey for me at $2,000 – $3,000. Eeek! No doubt they will be worth it as it is a year long. But I think making my own inquiry is more valuable. I’ve been listening to other people on how to be for too long.

These 4 questions from The Works are good starting points. I will see how it goes.

  1. Is it true?
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
  3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
  4. Who would you be without the thought?

It is intriguing to think about who I would/could be without all my possibly erroneous thoughts. I could be a whole new person. I could have a whole new life. Would I want that? What would it hurt. I have an inquiring mind. I am retired. It would give me a job. It would be a worthwhile effort. I can feel the excitement even through my sleepiness.

Yes, I still have it – sleepiness. I did get my 8 hours in. I’m still keen on fooling my body out of it. I did my ‘must do’ things in the morning. Now it is after lunch. The dishes are soaking. My eyes are drooping. I must get them out of the way. Soon it will be Sheba’s supper time and her walk. I’m glad we’ve had this time here. I’ll be back tomorrow. In the meantime, I will keep plugging away at my desk and other stuff. Maybe I will be rewarded with a bit of magic again.

MY DISCIPLINE BACKBONE

Posted on by
Reply

Discipline is what I don’t have. I’m disappointed with myself. Even after all this time, being aware of it, I still fall off the wagon. I succumb to what comes easiest – vegetating. I fool myself by being busy. So how can I be busy and vegetate at the same time? By definition, vegetate means: live or spend a period of time in a dull, inactive, unchallenging way. 

This is probably not a good time to talk about meaningful living. I feel dull as a mollusk in its shell though I have been in a flurry of activities moments ago. I shamed myself into sweeping the floors of Sheba’s hair and clearing my ever-cluttered dining table. I wiped it and put on a table cloth. Let’s see how long it will stay cleared. Oh yes, I lured Sheba out to the deck with a chew to brush out her shedding hair. Sometimes I wish she had alopecia.

Here I am, showing up again two days in a row. I’m trying to sprout my discipline backbone again. I’m sipping a decaf, trying to tap out my therapy session, urging myself forward. It’s still morning, a little before noon. I can feel my eyeballs wanting to roll to the back of my head. They want to close. I won’t let them. It’s really a mystery, a fascinating one the way my body and chemistry work. I will pay close attention and see if I can outwit it. Didn’t they say that I am the captain of my ship?

So far, so good. My coffee is done. I am going to see if I can do some magic on my desk now. I’ll try to let you know tomorrow if I can trick myself.