Another beautiful sunny August morning. I’m on my second cup of tea. I should be getting on with my day but I haven’t been able to give up this indulgence. It’s harmless and maybe helpful and healthful. So let me indulge away. Beautiful as these August days are, I have to remind myself the days are getting shorter. The sun rises later and sets earlier. Sometimes I find my moods turning on a dime, feeling bad all of a sudden, for no reasonable reason.
I turn on myself, not being kind or generous. It takes a moment before the light bulb clicks on. I realize then that it is late August and perhaps it is my old friend, SAD, calling again. I feel better that there is a reason, a cause and that I am not just a miserable good for nothing person. I haven’t yet ascended to the level where I can accept that it is ok to feel whatever I feel without a reason. But I am better at letting these moods pass on their own. I am not so dogged at ‘fixing myself’. Perhaps I am at last learning about acceptance.
Finally, we have a morning with sunshine and no smoke. Still, I feel no joy though I’m not feeling bad. Is this what is called ‘numb’? Perhaps I should not be scrolling, searching for news, for information but I do. This morning I wanted to know more about Donald Trump and the Epstein files. I should have left things alone and stay in the dark. But on and on I went, reading more about the Donald, Vance and Epstein. It’s no wonder I’m feeling somewhat stun.
I had to remind myself that I am probably still grieving. It’s only 10 months since my mother passed. It feels like forever and unreal. How can someone who’s been here for so long just disappear? You would think I’ve had enough time to prepare for her departure. No, there never seems to be enough time. She was so alive and then she was not. We were all witnesses at her side. She called and waited for me. I remember it well.
I know I must not dawdle in my puddle of loss and grief. I must keep moving. I got my ass out of the chair. I put my moody blues on the shelf. I vacuumed the floor. I head out to the community garden with my hoe and pail. The weeds are weeded and the snowpeas are picked. The library was the next stop to pick up Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way Every Day. Maybe it is just what I need to get through each day. I’m still searching for answers in books. Am I looking in all the wrong places? Time will tell. I will let you know.
This is a very difficult summer. Am I repeating myself? Should I stop now? It is so true though. No two days are the same. It’s rare to have a stretch of nice steady weather. After a couple hot scorching days, today the sky is grey and heavy. I am waiting for the clouds to drop their load. I am heavy and slow with their weight. It is hard to move and feel upbeat. I am working hard to string the words together for a post for day 10 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.
I wonder how everyone else is feeling and doing. Does anyone else feel that this is a very strange year? The world seemed to have changed overnight. It does not feel safe or sane. I don’t know what or how to do. I just carry on as best as I know how. I hope I am not just going with the flow but making some difference for the better, no matter how small. It is easy to be complacent, not give a damn. But we really should give a damn.
That’s a good reason to keep showing up and tapping out the words. Many times it is just to make myself feel better. Some times I do glean some wisdom for my efforts. It makes me happy then. Right now I am just talking, trying to ease myself out of this heaviness. I feel like a ton of bricks, like a pregnant elephant. I hope I don’t look like I feel. I changed into an oversized black top just to be sure. We’re going out for supper.
It’s another cool and grey morning with the sun trying its hardness to shine through. At least there is no smoke in the air. I still find no reason to smile and feel peppy. I’m having another cup of tea. Maybe I’ll get out of my pjs. Just because the world and life is not as I desire, it’s no reason to mope either. I can try a little, do a little and live a little, bit by bit.
So I’ve gotten out of my pjs into something summery. I’ve been living in sweat pants and t-shirts. They were easy and comfortable. Being a cool spring/summer they were the ticket. I wore them everywhere – to the gym, out for lunch, to the mall, to the garden. Being a sad sack, I didn’t care. I wasn’t fussy about my appearance. But I still shower, brush my teeth and comb my hair once in a while.
June was intended to work on my habits, improving on them and reporting here regularly. It didn’t happened quite often enough. I hit a slump. The weather was bad. There was/is wildfire smoke. And a million other excuses. Now I’m trying to reboot and restart. Not easy. Not feeling like or up to it. Nevertheless, I will just do it. There’s no other way. I will have to stop being a cry baby.
Today is one of those many cups of anything and everything days. So I shall have another cup for comfort.I don’t have it in me to be brave and keep a stiff upper lip. I already had a chocolate bar. I can’t say it made me feel better but it didn’t make me feel worse. Life is hard and the world is a scary place. There is no place to hide. To keep all that inside myself can’t be a healthy thing. I have to let it out. I can’t force myself to be optimistic when all I feel is gloom and doom. I know that this, too, will pass. In the meantime I have to honour and accept my feelings.
I’m feeling a little better with a warm cuppa and tapping out a few words. They’re my mental and emotional aerobics. I’m letting go of fear. When I can’t voice my discomfort, they mushroom inside my head. They get bigger and bigger. I feel as if I’m living with a time bomb and I don’t know when it is going to explode. I rather do this – tap it out, expose my vulnerabilities. I know I am not alone in this. I’m not all that unique. We are all the same.
I’m going to have another cup. It’s that kind of day. It’s good to have another cup of warmth. It’s decaf. I will be soothed. I won’t get jittery. It’s hard to shine today. I get tired of always struggling and trying. I’m not giving up but sometimes it’s ok to give in and rest from it all. It would be nice if we could have some rain, lots of it instead of just a few drops. If wishes were horses…There’s a promise of 100% chance of rain at 2 pm in the forecast. In 30 minutes. Should I hold my breath?
Today is one of those many cups of everything day. I’m wanting to drown all my feelings. I can’t and I don’t. Instead I sit with them all. I draw my #95 teacup for my #100dayproject and my day 5 of Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. Today’s prompt for the #dyicad is hydrangea. I like prompts. They are my guiding lights not only for my art work but also living in this year of being lost in the strange wilderness of grief and loss. It’s a mouthful of a long sentence but you know what I mean.
I’m also standing with all my feelings. I like washing dishes by hand. I’m soothing my nerves as I clean each piece in the warm sudsy water. I’m washing away my cares and woes. The chaos goes down the drain with the dirty water. Peace fills its place. I’m soothed and smoothed.
I go out to the garden even though I don’t feel like it. The lettuce and spinach are in need of harvesting. It would be a shame to let them get too old to eat. I snip and pull and stuff them into bags. They will keep in the fridge or our walk in cooler. There’s enough to share with friends and family. Sharing is good and takes me out of focusing on myself.
It’s been a good day in the end. I got out of the house and out of myself. My sister and I took our father out for coffee in Circle Centre Mall. After, we cruised the Dollarama Store and found some neat stuff for the garden. I bought a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups as a reward for a day well done. We stopped at the library on the way home to pick up some Chinese books for my father. I think we all went home soothed and smoothed. I hope so anyways.
A super grey cool day with drizzles. The drizzles are welcome, no matter how small. They’re much needed moisture. However, the grey and cool are not conducive for cheer and action. I am in a grey slump, not jumping up and down with excitement nor smiling with glee. I am feeling glum and being negative. There is no point in putting on a phony face. I do apologize for my negativity but I thought it is okay to feel not okay and face and accept what is here.
I am not a total ‘loser’ for lack of a better word. Though I feel lackluster, I am not inert. I still have a bit of life force in me. I’ve been reading Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by B.J. Fogg. It lit up a small spark in me on this dreary day. I’m already a fan of doing small and doing easy. This book is a great addition to what I have already learned from Atomic Habits.
Rainy days are good for falling asleep and not so good for for finishing posts/projects or for starting them as you can see. I’ve come back to finish what I started yesterday. This way I can honestly say I’m writing every day. Chocolate cake and a coffee does help to wake me up a bit. Writing on doing small and easy and tiny habits do push me to test out the idea of tiny. A bunch of tinys do add up. They have the potential of becoming something big. On difficult and/or rainy days when tasks look monumentally difficult, taking small bites works better than trying to tackle the whole thing.
It works for me. That is how I am getting through the days of this difficult year. Today, I’ve meditated and wrote my morning pages. Last night’s supper dishes and today’s breakfast dishes were done after breakfast. That’s how I start the morning. It starts me up. Then I cosy up with a cup of tea and some reading. We took my father out for lunch. It gets us all out of the house on a grey rainy day. It’s cheery to eat in a restaurant full of other diners. Dad gets a walk in the mall after. Takes his mind off his shingles. The pain is not too bad. He is on tylenol and can sleep and nap despite the discomfort. I feel I’m doing a good job as a daughter with short time spent.
The afternoon is peaceful. I seed a small pot of broccoli and another of brussels sprouts. They will germinate fairly quickly. Our spring is none too warm yet. I’ve painted my teacup for the #the100dayproject. I’ve bagged up some old clothes for the garbage. Then I’m out in the yard, pulling a few of those darned creeping bell flowers. After all the digging up I did last summer, they are creeping up again. I’m applying doing small and easy on them. I will see where that gets me. I’m going to learn how to live with them wisely. And that is not killing myself trying to obliterate them.
Another cloudy and windy day. On top of that there’s smoke from forest fires in Manitoba. It’s easy to feel anxious and uneasy. Life goes on. Still no rain. I take a tylenol and sip my coffee. The thing about having a greenhouse is you have to tend it whether you feel like it or not. The lettuce and spinach are going great guns. I harvest some for a friend. The snowpeas are pea-ing but not quite ready yet. I watered the seedlings still waiting to be planted out. Chores keep me moving out of my morose mood and thoughts.
I am not in the best of forms. I won’t for a long while yet but I can strive to do my best even on my worse days. The earth continues to turn on its axis, the sun still rises in the east and set in the west. I must do my part of putting one foot in front of the other and be with what is. That is the way for me to move forward. So I take deep breaths, sip my coffee/tea, tap on the keyboard and sigh alot. I step out the door into the world. I have to keep up or I shall be left behind. I get lost. I keep going and I found my way after awhile.
Another day is almost done. I haven’t drawn my teacup yet. I’ve spent time with friends in the morning. In the afternoon my sister and I took our father to the Berry Barn for coffee. The weather was not the best but we made the best of it. We wandered through the greenhouse before heading to the Barn for coffee and Saskatoon berry pie. It was a wonderful day and afternoon outing despite the weather and inspite of my mood.
A cloudy afternoon. It’s not very uplifting. I’m drowsy, wanting to shut my eyes to the world. I don’t. I sip my coffee, I tap a few words and I sip some more. I think chocolate cake might be good now. The trouble is we ate the last of it yesterday. I have to think of something else to lift me up. I wonder why I’m such a sad sack, always searching for happiness.
Why is it so elusive? Am I searching in all the wrong places? Do I even know what it is? How will I know when I find it? I’m sure they are age-old questions with no answers. Still, it is good to voice them even if it is just to trick my brain into work. I finish my coffee. I get up and sweep the kitchen floor. So much dust and food crumbs every day! Too bad there’s no such thing as self-sweeping floors. Then what will we do with ourselves?
I pick myself up and dust myself off. Time to go and see my father. He is alone and lonely without my mother. I zipped onto his driveway and let myself into the house. I announced that we are going to Market Mall. I have a few things to pick up at Freshco. I load the wheelchair in the trunk, helped him with the seat belt and off we went. We cruise the aisles of the grocery store. My father bought 2 tomatoes. I bought a couple of snack food. We cruised the mall, my father pushing the wheelchair for support. We finished with coffee. The vendor was a bit annoyed that I use a credit card for $2.50. It’s easy. No fumbling around for change.
On the way back, I stopped in our back alley to show him my live in’s boat. Dad surprised us by climbing up with a bit of help to check out everything. He was impressed with the cabin, that it had everything in it. I was worried about how he was going to get down. He surprised me again by doing it. He will be 94 in July. He did say that it was his first and last time on the boat. He said his legs were shaking so badly. But he was laughing, looking excited and happy. I am, too, seeing him thus.
The clouds and wind are playing havoc on my well-being. They are not helping me in getting on with the day. I can’t afford to lose energy that I don’t have to my moods. I took a tylenol and am pulling up my socks. I feel limp but I can put one foot in front of the other. I can still move all body parts. I do the dishes. I soak some snowpea seeds to plant in the community garden. I paint a teacup and posted it on Instagram.
I make a cup of chrysanthemum tea. I take a sip and close my eyes, relaxing and smoothing out the space in my forehead. I take a few deep breaths in and then out slowly, focusing on the word joy. I let go of trying to control my body. I let it be how it is and rested. It’s true a rest is as good as a change. I’m feeling much better, having taking time off from trying to feel better. Sometimes I get too focused on things and I stall instead of flow.
I haven’t saved the day but I haven’t lost it either. I haven’t planted any more garden or pot up more seedlings. However, I have watered them. I’ve checked my lilies for scarlet lily beetles and dusted them with diatomaceous earth as well as dusting the earth around the lilies. So far that is helpful. I’m slowly learning that I am a person who can do smalls only. I am incapable of being a cyclone. I don’t have that kind of energy. My smalls do add up.
onethousandandtwo 