TEDIUM AND TEDIOUS

Posted on November 21, 2017 by hafong

Life, at times, seems to be made up of many necessary but tedious tasks – like cleaning and tidying up. Here she goes again! I can hear you say but it is so true. It is 2:27 pm and I’ve just sat down after preparing lunch, eating it and then what I detest the most, cleaning up. Now I’m writing about it. Ha! The tedium. I really want to have a nap now.

But I know the value of order and discipline. My nature is that I don’t really have a driving desire to do anything. If I have my druthers, I would probably be singing Freddy Fender’s, wasted days and wasted nights. I’m one of those people who needs inspiration, challenges and goals. I seldom plan. I might be in a neater, if not better place if I did. It is never too late. That’s what they tell me. I’m inspired to go that route now.

My plan is to have a plan for the day. I’ve been operating on it for a few weeks now. I’m doing the obvious, the hardest and most hated stuff. What is difficult for me is cleaning up and putting stuff away in a timely as well as neatly fashion. When I was in Grade 1 in Hong Kong, one of our assignment was to get a note from our parents. The note was to identify what they thought our worse trait was. Well, my mother thought mine was paper clutter. I dropped them wherever. It was like a show and tell. I was reprimanded by my teacher – very severely I felt at the time.

Obviously, it hadn’t helped me. I am still that clutterbug. I’m changing my ways though. I’m working on the dishes. After washing and drying, I’m painstakingly putting them away where they belong or finding a better place for them. You’re wondering, What’s so painful about that? Well, for me it is! It feels like I’m going against the grain or my nature. It’s like torture. I wonder if I have some kind of disorder.

Things are getting a little easier though. You can see some surface on the dining room table and my desk. I’m ridding my junk mail (hard copies and emails) faster. I’ve lived many days feeling as if I have something needed doing but don’t know what. FINALLY that dreaded feeling is gone. I’m feeling more at ease.

Hmm. I’m feeling more alert and focused. It helps to identify my problem areas. It is nice to see progress. That is why I come here each day to tap on the keyboard. Some days I have great thoughts, exciting news and projects. Some days I am sad or angry. Then there are the doldrums. There is a lot of it in life. When they are taken away from you, that is the time when you see what treasures they really are. So I don’t mind them so much. They are restful. Maybe it is what mindfulness is – learning to sit and stay in the mundane and tedious until they are no longer so. Until you see what jewels they are.

IF I HAD MY DRUTHERS – Day 165-166 in a year of…

Posted on January 8, 2017 by hafong

Day 165-166, January 8, 2017 @2:15 pm

If I had my druthers, I would be napping right now instead of sitting here, painfully tapping out my words one by one. If I had my druthers, I wouldn’t have made another batch of yogurt, experimented with a tracing technique from my oneline art class. I wouldn’t have sorted my knitting baskets. They would still be overflowing with yarn tangled into each other, knitting needles, measuring tape and what have you. If I had my druthers, nothing would get done. Life would be a f***ing mess.

These difficult cold days of January, I’m trying to change my thinking towards the ‘hardness’ of life. I try not to think and just do it. Sometimes it takes an extra cup of tea/coffee, a glass of wine, extra time…whatever it takes. Today I’m employing mindfulness. I don’t try to understand the why of things. Some things/questions have no answers. Do you find it hard to bend over and pick up something dropped on the floor? I do. I drather walk around it even though it takes the same amount of time and energy? How ridiculous is that? I don’t try to figure it out. Instead I stand there, however long it takes to bend over, and pick it up. Now I have to go and get that extra cup of coffee. It’s what’s called a delaying tactic. It’s okay. I allow myself that.

I’m back with my coffee. On the way I saw a coil of dental floss on the floor. I bent down, picked it up and put it in the trash. It was not painful. Hallelujah!

It’s almost time to walk the dog. She’s been fussing for the last half hour. If I had my druthers, I would nap.

IT’S ALL ABOUT ME – Day 110 in a year of….

Posted on November 12, 2016 by hafong

Day 110, November 12, 2-16 @ 5:18 pm

When I come to this space or anywhere, I speak for myself, of myself only. It’s all about me. Sometimes I even have trouble knowing my true self, so how can I speak for or of anyone else? In the same vein, I can only change myself. I can only change the things I do not like about myself. I can’t do a darn thing about what I don’t like about other people, things and events. But changing myself can cause a chain of other changes. My aha moment of the moment.

The world was too much with/for me today. There wasn’t a thing I could do about it. I couldn’t change the brilliance of the sun. I couldn’t make people be quiet. I couldn’t….I couldn’t. So I went within myself, quieted my thoughts, slowed down my breathing and let go of the world. I listened to the voice of Jon Kabat-Zinn as he guided me through the body scan.

HOLDING SPACE – DAY 107 in a year of…

Posted on November 9, 2016 by hafong

Day 107, November 9, 2016 @5:00 pm

It’s the day after THE election. I am sure I am not alone in asking: How could this happen? I found comfort and guidance in the words of Marianne Williamson and Barack Obama. No matter what happens, the sun will rise tomorrow. It’s another new dawn, another new beginning. It’s a truth to hang on to for me.

I have been a reactor since I’ve been born. I am sure I came out of my mother’s womb screaming like a banshee. Life has been hard as such. I take everything personally. It has been all about me until recently. But slowly I’ve been shedding the me, I and mine. I no longer am so surprised or shocked by anything and everything. I don’t try to figure out and fix everything. I am not THAT powerful. I accept what is.

I find such peace and serenity in the acceptance. Life is. The world is. I hold that space close to my heart. I am part of the universe along with everything. The boundaries, borders and skin colours fade. We all are. We all belong here – wherever here is.

RETURNING – day 106 in a year of….

Posted on November 8, 2016 by hafong

Day 106, November 8, 2016 @10:49 am

The morning is grey. I bring myself back to this space to dispel it. I’m returning to my journey of making changes in a conscious way. If I don’t, they will happen to me willy, nilly. Better to go into them with eyes wide open.

I sat with Timothea Goddard’s session of the Mindfulness Summit 2015 to review the 3 insights from practicing mindfulness and cultivating kindness.

Pain can’t be avoided.
Everything is impermanent.
The self – the me, I, mine is always changing and not permanent.

In short you can sum the insights up as life sucks, everything changes and don’t take anything personally. If I can really accept the first two and learn to live the third, life could be a lot easier. And it is. I have been practicing. Sometimes I have become distracted and wandered off. I’m learning to come back and come back more readily and often. I’m less inclined to throw up my hands and say, I CAN’T do it!

This morning I’ve returned to the task of clearing my work table in the basement. It was not hard. It was not easy. It felt unpleasant. I stood and felt my avoidance/nausea for a moment, not knowing where to start. Then I just plunged in, opening an envelope, a shoebox, taking out papers, shredding them, bagging them. I let the feelings be. I did not try to chase them away. Then an understanding of what they are/why they are came. It was okay. I was okay. It was like what Oprah calls peeling an onion. I’ve peeled the first layer, the beginning of an opening. It is enough. I will return tomorrow.

What box have you opened today?

HELLO LIFE – Days 102 – 104 in a year of….

Posted on November 6, 2016 by hafong

Days 102 – 104, November 6, 2016 @5:59 pm

The days are rolling by. I’m falling behind in my writing and analyzing of my changes. The words and pictures are in me but the habit of putting off till later is still strong in me. Stronger than my will at present. I’m past my 100 days. I’m getting a clearer picture of how to proceed with my year. I’m claiming November as my own, to slow into sync with the season. It is time to get out of my head and live in real time.

I want November to rest and be with the physical, to feel the wind, rain and the ground beneath my feet. November is the month to nourish my body and mind for the winter. And so these last few days I have gone back to sit with a few of the mindfulness teachers from the Mindfulness Summit of October 2015. I’m learning and understanding my brain is nature’s brain. It is not my fault how it works but understanding its ways and being mindful can help me steer it in different directions.

Life is hard. Life is easy. Life is beautiful but it can get ugly. It is brittle and it is soft. However it comes, I will greet it as a welcomed guest. Hello life.

TWITCHING – Day 97 in a year of….

Posted on October 29, 2016 by hafong

Day 97, October 29, 2016 @3:10 pm

I don’t mind telling you that I have trouble sitting still with it all. I have trouble accepting things as they are. I have this twitch in me that I should fix things, fix you, fix me and our relationships. I feel that everything is my fault. I know, of course, that I am not all that powerful. But knowing and feeling are two different things.

I have this twitch that makes sitting with it all very difficult to do. Sometimes I have to get up and make myself a cup of tea. Other times like today, I get up and take Sheba to the park. I went missing for a couple of hours. Eventually I have to return to the heart of who I am. I cannot fix everything. Some things are not fixable. Some things are better left broken – till they are ready to mend on their own.

My urge to fix is gone. It’s okay to let things unfold without interference. I don’t have to rush in. I can just sit. I’ve lived through that moment of needing to. They will get easier with each sitting with nothing to do and no where to go. Just sitting with my breath and my mindfulness teachers, Melli O’Brien and Jon Kabat-Zinn.

WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE – Day 15 in a year of….

Posted on August 6, 2016 by hafong

Day 15, August 6, 2016 @2:39

Afternoons are not any easier to show up here. The air is warm. What I really want is to lay down and have a nap. Maybe a cup of tea will help. That is my answer for everything – a cup of tea.

How quickly one’s brain get clouded. That small window of clarity is there for me in the morning when most of the world is still asleep. I can see that message on the wall before the world rushes in. I sit in the silence and the unspoken wisdom. Then I sit in the words of those who have trained and taught the wisdom – Melli O’Brien and Elisha Goldstein.

What I know for sure is that it is never a good or right time for anything. You have to make time for what your heart desires. It is and it isn’t all about me. It is about me in that it is I, who has the choice. It is I who must do the work. I am responsible. It isn’t all about me. The world is a big place. There are many me, me, me out there. We are all different but we are all the same. We are all part of humanity. We all suffer. We all bleed. If I can open my eyes and heart a little more each day, I can let more of the world in. I can suffer less. I can love more. I can, can’t I? What about you? Can you let me in just a little more?

Till tomorrow again.

LESS OF ME, I AND MINE – Day 14 in a year of…

Posted on August 5, 2016 by hafong

Day 15, August 5, 206 @10:34

Need I say that it is difficult to show up every day? It is. It’s late. Words and thoughts are harder to come by. But I’ve had a wonderful evening out, connecting with colleagues from long ago. Now I sit in the evening’s after glow wondering what to say. I’m remembering the conversations at the table: Have you heard about X. She has breast cancer and is getting chemo. Y is a private care home. Z died. What I know for sure is, time goes fast and life is sweet.

I know why it is that I choose to come to this place every day. It is to live. I made the commitment for a year. But why not for the rest of my life? A life is worth to live it well. I want to taste all its sweetness and bitterness as well. For how could I tell the difference without either? I want to feel the sun and the rain, the wind and the calm. I want to experience and weather it all – life in all its catastrophes.

And so I show up every day in this place in mindfulness. I am learning/choosing something different, to see another view, to be in another’s shoe. Can I be more of the world and less of me, I and mine? That’s one point from today’s session in mindfulness with Melli and Dr. Rick Hanson.

It is late. It is enough. To choose the easy and simple, I say good night. Till tomorrow.

LIFE HACK – Day 10 in a year of…

Posted on August 1, 2016 by hafong

Day 10, August 1, 2016 @1:43

I’m arriving in this place earlier and earlier. It is August 1st. I have felt the changes of the season coming, regardless of their silence and stealth. They cannot sneak up on me. I’m ready to receive them. Life is not perfect. It continues to be damn hard. I hack away at it, moment by moment, day by day. I’m hearing Leonard Cohen’s words:

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

I’m looking at the light in the crack. I’m meditating to feel good from the inside out, working on myself from the outside in. Fake it till I make it. I know I will. Change your thoughts, change your brain. Change your brain, change your life. You become the sum of your thoughts and actions. Smile! You are on Candid Camera.

Life is hard but I don’t have to make it difficult. I can choose the simple and easy. I can choose an easy lunch to make and easy to clean up after. No need for elaborate culinary efforts on hard to do days. Perogies on a bed of stir fried kale and bacon, anyone?

What makes life hard for me is my thinking – It is HARD. Today I am making a conscious effort to have a different view. I stop when I’m stuck in that mode. I think: Why is it hard? What can I do to make it easier? I break the task into do-able steps. I tackle the hard ugly stuff first. I’m learning to be a life hack. What are you learning today?

Till tomorrow.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: mindfulness