Curiosity may have killed the cat but if not for curiosity, I would forever be stuck in the doldrums. I’m already a bit of a hermit except the ‘cat’ or Sheba gets the best of me and lures me out of myself. Then there’s those shoulds and ought tos. I should get out in the world more. I ought to do this and that. What I am is happy that I listen to those shoulds and ought tos. If not for them I would have missed alot of good outings, opportunities and a well rounded life.
If I was to give in to my rathers and do as I please, I would probably languish on the couch all the livelong day. But I was brought up with discipline. I hear those shoulds loud and clear though no one said a word. SometimesOften it is wretched difficult to even bat my eye lashes but I got to do it. Nobody else can do it for me. I sigh alot. It seems to help, especially if I give it a great big heave-ho. It’s like a push off.
My push off was phoning my mother this morning. I asked if she and my father want to go to the library. It’s my regular outing with them. It’s something I can do for them but sometimes it is hard. Making that phone call makes it easier. Then I’m committed, no ifs and buts. So fortunate our library has Chinese books. After we get our books, we would go to the mall for coffee. We were lucky today. We ran into a couple of their friends. It was a nice time. I listen to their gossip and their talk about their aches and pains. I am no longer a working nurse so I offer no remedies. Besides, my mother never listens to me, a professional nurse. She would take her friends’ advice over mine. I’ve learned that now. I keep quiet. I’m a good daughter.
Writing this post is not a picnic either. I’m still in the stutter mode. I feel no flow today so it’s hard work. It’s a lot of sighing, muttering and sweating to find the words. I’m not aiming for a literary award. I’m trying to impart just a wee bit of a reason why you’ll want to read me. So ends another day and my mutterings. Better luck to me tomorrow.
Life, at times, seems to be made up of many necessary but tedious tasks – like cleaning and tidying up. Here she goes again! I can hear you say but it is so true. It is 2:27 pm and I’ve just sat down after preparing lunch, eating it and then what I detest the most, cleaning up. Now I’m writing about it. Ha! The tedium. I really want to have a nap now.
But I know the value of order and discipline. My nature is that I don’t really have a driving desire to do anything. If I have my druthers, I would probably be singing Freddy Fender’s, wasted days and wasted nights. I’m one of those people who needs inspiration, challenges and goals. I seldom plan. I might be in a neater, if not better place if I did. It is never too late. That’s what they tell me. I’m inspired to go that route now.
My plan is to have a plan for the day. I’ve been operating on it for a few weeks now. I’m doing the obvious, the hardest and most hated stuff. What is difficult for me is cleaning up and putting stuff away in a timely as well as neatly fashion. When I was in Grade 1 in Hong Kong, one of our assignment was to get a note from our parents. The note was to identify what they thought our worse trait was. Well, my mother thought mine was paper clutter. I dropped them wherever. It was like a show and tell. I was reprimanded by my teacher – very severely I felt at the time.
Obviously, it hadn’t helped me. I am still that clutterbug. I’m changing my ways though. I’m working on the dishes. After washing and drying, I’m painstakingly putting them away where they belong or finding a better place for them. You’re wondering, What’s so painful about that? Well, for me it is! It feels like I’m going against the grain or my nature. It’s like torture. I wonder if I have some kind of disorder.
Things are getting a little easier though. You can see some surface on the dining room table and my desk. I’m ridding my junk mail (hard copies and emails) faster. I’ve lived many days feeling as if I have something needed doing but don’t know what. FINALLY that dreaded feeling is gone. I’m feeling more at ease.
Hmm. I’m feeling more alert and focused. It helps to identify my problem areas. It is nice to see progress. That is why I come here each day to tap on the keyboard. Some days I have great thoughts, exciting news and projects. Some days I am sad or angry. Then there are the doldrums. There is a lot of it in life. When they are taken away from you, that is the time when you see what treasures they really are. So I don’t mind them so much. They are restful. Maybe it is what mindfulness is – learning to sit and stay in the mundane and tedious until they are no longer so. Until you see what jewels they are.
Doldrums are painful. They seep into you unawares and rob you of joie de vivre. They’re like vampires sucking the very juice of you, leaving behind a wet dishcloth, a soggy noodle, Linus without his blanket or a Snoopy on top of his doghouse. I DON’T like doldrums but what to do? Snoopy has the right idea. When in doubt and all else fails, sleep it off. Maybe I can dream up some solutions. Maybe I can borrow Linus’ blanket. Why don’t I make a list.
I wonder if this is what they call brainstorming. Can I be a team of one? It’s working at easing my doldrums. I’m coming alive – without the doghouse and the blanket. Oh, happy day! pops into my head. Singing seems to help even if it’s in my head. I can hear and see Whoopi Goldberg and the kids whooping it up in Sister Act. Oh happy day!
I’m well out of the wet noodle phase now. Apparently doing something, anything can disturb the doldrum mindset. I’m not a list maker but it’s another thing I can do to shake things loose. I can learn to take an inventory of the things I need/like/want to do for future episodes. Might as well be practical, productive, imaginative and have fun at the same time. Oh, happy day it is when I can get inspired!
Some mornings doldrum sits heavily upon me. I’m like a fat Buddha, unable to rise from my Lotus position. I sigh and heave my chest to no avail. I cannot summon up la joie de vivre. I cannot rise above it all. Must I be full of what I am not? That is the moral question.
I cannot give up, sit and let everything hang out and say ‘After all, tomorrow is another day.’ I am not Buddha or Scarlett O’Hara though I would love to say, ‘Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. Having said all this, I do feel better. Maybe a bit of Scarlett’s spirit have seeped into me though I’ve never gotten so bored I could scream.
Now, I can push through some of the doldrum. Or is it fatigue? I can see the light at the end of the tunnel as they say. I am finding a few words. I have been away from the keyboard too long. It’s difficult to recover the rhythm of my tap, tapping. I’m adrift from my thoughts and intuits. You do lose what you don’t use. I must unlock my limbs now and rise above it all. Tomorrow will be another today. Tap. Tap. Tap.