shoulds

CURIOSITY AND THE DOG

 

Curiosity may have killed the cat but if not for curiosity, I would forever be stuck in the doldrums. I’m already a bit of a hermit except the ‘cat’ or Sheba gets the best of me and lures me out of myself. Then there’s those shoulds and ought tos. I should get out in the world more. I ought to do this and that. What I am is happy that I listen to those shoulds and ought tos. If not for them I would have missed alot of good outings, opportunities and a well rounded life.

If I was to give in to my rathers and do as I please, I would probably languish on the couch all the livelong day. But I was brought up with discipline. I hear those shoulds loud and clear though no one said a word. Sometimes Often it is wretched difficult to even bat my eye lashes but I got to do it. Nobody else can do it for me. I sigh alot. It seems to help, especially if I give it a great big heave-ho. It’s like a push off.

My push off was phoning my mother this morning. I asked if she and my father want to go to the library. It’s my regular outing with them. It’s something I can do for them but sometimes it is hard. Making that phone call makes it easier. Then I’m committed, no ifs and buts.  So fortunate our library has Chinese books. After we get our books, we would go to the mall for coffee. We were lucky today. We ran into a couple of their friends. It was a nice time. I listen to their gossip and their talk about their aches and pains. I am no longer a working nurse so I offer no remedies. Besides, my mother never listens to me, a professional nurse. She would take her friends’ advice over mine. I’ve learned that now. I keep quiet. I’m a good daughter.

Writing this post is not a picnic either. I’m still in the stutter mode. I feel no flow today so it’s hard work. It’s a lot of sighing, muttering and sweating to find the words.  I’m not aiming for a literary award. I’m trying to impart just a wee bit of a reason why you’ll want to read me. So ends another day and my mutterings. Better luck to me tomorrow.

 

THE WHY AND WHEREFORE

It would be bliss if I could stop my thoughts at will. As it is, they go round and round chasing each other in my head. I feel as if I’m regurgitating the same ones over and over. You would think I was a cow chewing my cud. My thoughts of late: Why am I am doing this? What is the point? What is the use?

It’s my bored, SAD, disillusioned, morose, tired voices speaking the last few days. The news last night about the genocide in Myanmar gave me second thoughts. It made me think about the plight of the Rohingya refugees. What gives them purpose I wonder? I felt ashamed of my despondency. Here I was, sitting in front of the TV in the warmth and comfort of my own home. I can have light at a flick of a switch, water by turning on the tap. What right do I have to be despondent? What right do I have to moan about my ‘feelings’? I should be doing something useful instead.

There was a time when I felt that we should eliminate ‘shoulds’ from our vocabulary. It was or still is a popular cry. I am easily influenced. It seemed to make sense at the time. How ridiculous is that? As if eliminating would absolve us from our responsibilities. Because really there are so many things that we should and shouldn’t do. I can’t really give good examples at the moment. I’ve been with wine. One glass with supper can do that to me. So more on that at another time. I shouldn’t drink at all.

So what’s the point of what I’ve been doing? Why do I go on and on with my tap, tapping, my paintings, my sewing and all that? What’s the meaning of it all? As I’ve said, I’ve pondered that endlessly during times like this. I feel the drudergy and the dullness of it all. I bore even myself.  I’ve done them almost every day for quite awhile so I can do it even when I’ve lost my luster. These times do pass and the light comes on again. Then I find meaning and beauty in the things I’m doing and have created. And I feel proud that I still can create and tap out some words while moaning and complaining in my head. Sometimes my thoughts are faulty. I try not to believe them all.

 

SHEDDING MY TEN POUNDS

My days of hanging on to all my stuff and all my poundage are over!  Am I too confident and glib?  No.  I am not.  Gone are the days of careless feasting, buying and hanging on to EVERYTHING by the fingernails, afraid of losing and making mistakes.

I’m doing pretty good so far, omitting my usual bacon, eggs and toast breakfast, choosing congee soup in its place.  I must admit that breakfast is my worse vice, loving bacon and eggs every day.  It will be difficult to give them up totally.  So that is not what I will do, setting myself up for failure.  Instead, I will cut back gradually and maybe enjoy them once or twice a week.

Another thing that I need to do is expend more energy.  I like to poke along at such a leisurely pace that I do not burn any calories or getting anything done.  I’ve already implemented a plan of action… moving and doing routine stuff faster…..killing two birds with the same stone, sort of speak.  I am progressing at an acceptable, leisurely pace. 🙂  New habits are hard to establish.  It takes continuous effort.  But regular, periodic success is better than no success.  By ten this morning, I have already done my meditation, breakfast, dishes and kitchen cleanup, and swept the upstairs floors.

I am working on de-cluttering some some tangible things this morning….. unsubscribing to emails that are no longer of interest to me, sorting out flyers and other objects for recycling, and called my Church to remove myself from the parish.  EEEEEK!  I am a bad Catholic, right?

I was surprised that I had a pleasant conversation with the woman who answered the phone.  When she heard me out, she said that I have to do what works for me in life.  That is the kind of attitude that will keep the people in the church…respect, acceptance and flexibility.  I’ve been told before that if you don’t attend Mass, you are not a good Catholic.  But that was from another parishioner.  During one homily, our priest talked about God’s work is also done outside the physical building of the Church.

And for now, that is where it works for me.  Shedding pounds, shoulds, and musts  is healthy and liberating.  Life is a river that flows, but there are obstacles along the way.  We need to be fluid like the river to deal with the things that show up in our lives.

Writing this post did not feel like a flowing river.  But that is how life is.  Sometimes you flow, sometimes you don’t.  But writing helps cements change to rewire my brain…towards

healthier habits.