Day 97, October 29, 2016 @3:10 pm
I don’t mind telling you that I have trouble sitting still with it all. I have trouble accepting things as they are. I have this twitch in me that I should fix things, fix you, fix me and our relationships. I feel that everything is my fault. I know, of course, that I am not all that powerful. But knowing and feeling are two different things.
I have this twitch that makes sitting with it all very difficult to do. Sometimes I have to get up and make myself a cup of tea. Other times like today, I get up and take Sheba to the park. I went missing for a couple of hours. Eventually I have to return to the heart of who I am. I cannot fix everything. Some things are not fixable. Some things are better left broken – till they are ready to mend on their own.
My urge to fix is gone. It’s okay to let things unfold without interference. I don’t have to rush in. I can just sit. I’ve lived through that moment of needing to. They will get easier with each sitting with nothing to do and no where to go. Just sitting with my breath and my mindfulness teachers, Melli O’Brien and Jon Kabat-Zinn.