SHIFTING

Posted on July 31, 2015 by hafong

What I know for sure is there is no certainty. The world according to our plans does not exist. Faced with reality, there is no comfort in known adages the likes of: You are not getting older you’re getting better. You are not alone. You are beautiful just the way you are. Funny how time and circumstances can change my outlook. Once upon a time, I believed in those truths. Now…I am older wiser, and more vulnerable. I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore. Perhaps it is with the shift of the planet and the sun. I feel and smell the coming autumn. The sun comes up a bit later. Its slant and quality a little different.

photo credit: Ava as Wonder Woman via photopin (license)

I feel a little melancholy with the change. It is not a bad thing but somehow I do feel inadequate and apologetic that I do not put on a brave face and say regardless, the show must go on. To whom, I do not know. Yes, I would like to stand tall and be the Wonder Woman of my dreams. I want to pump that fist and give life that confident pump. But I do not have the bravado to fake it till I make it. I wonder if it is true. Maybe I CAN fake it – not to make it, but to become it. Life and our planet are shifting. Things are never the same. We stand on feet of clay in the sand. I am shifting. I am changed. Maybe I need to change my stories, too, along with my posture. I can learn to strut and punch like the Wonder Woman that I am. They say body language sends powerful messages about who we are. I want to pump it up a little. So what if I am faking it? Do you want to make something of it? Bring it on! I’m ready.

WORDS, WONDER AND AWE

Posted on July 11, 2015 by hafong

It’s another hot day. For now I can still sit here on the deck. I am trying to tap out a few letters, words, a thought or two. They do not come easy, but I try anyways. That is how it is. Life is hard. I have never expected it to be anything else. So you put one foot in front of the other and take a step. You do that over and over. You end up with a journey that is your life. I am doing likewise with my writing – one tap, another tap, and so on.

Meanwhile inside the house, my Roomba is whirling around the dining room and the kitchen, cleaning the floor – making life a little easier for me. I accept help wherever I can. It is called wisdom. It’s taken me this long for me to accept that I do not have to do everything myself. I am not Wonder Woman but a woman in ~~wonder~~ awe – of what life, the world and I can be. There is magic and wonder in the trying, the struggle of each step and tap. The tap of the keyboard is grounding. I see with more clarity with each letter, word and thought that come. I am doing an archeologic dig of that it means to be alive.

The heat is rising. Our forests are still burning. It is difficult to believe that everything is as it should be. It is hard to be at ease and not to be with fears when so much is wrong in the world. But it is what is before me today. I accept what is. I cannot change it. Instead, I focus on what makes me feel good – the open spaces, the roses along the roads, campfires, the dog and the man. I can choose where my mind goes.

The sun has disappeared. The sky is grey. The world feels eery and ominous but it is cooler. Rain would be very welcomed but the air feels dry and empty. The forecast is for a dry, dry summer. The forest fires will burn till winter. The hope is for them to be controlled. Hope is where I choose to reside. It is where everything is possible.

I inhale and exhale, releasing stress and taking in chi. I take comfort from Sheba at my feet and the petunias nodding in the breeze.

THE CANYON OF MY MIND

Posted on July 8, 2015 by hafong

It’s been such a long while since I’ve flexed these fingers over the keyboard. The movements have become awkward and unfamiliar. It’s like losing touch with one’s close friends. After awhile you find you have nothing to say to each other. You look at each other and wonder how it happened – this strange awkwardness. And so, I am sitting down with my old friend.

Can we get re-acquainted? Can I get the Midas touch and let the letters and words flow from my fingertips again? I hope so. It’s been lonely without words and pictures and stories they tell. There’s no reverberation. I only hear the sound of one hand clapping. It echoes in the canyon of my mind. You can hear a pin drop in its grey emptiness.

I rouse myself from the lassitude that I have fallen in. How I got here, I do not know. But it has lasted long enough. Time to get up, get dress and show up. Time for the words to march across the page to tell the stories. Time to show a little colour and life. There’s a person living on Preston Avenue. See how her vegetables and flowers overflow their beds and pots? See the brilliance of the greens, pinks, blues and purples? Then there is the orange of the lilies, blooming in defiance of the drought. We are having a very dry summer. Forest fires are raging up north and the military have stepped in to help.

The morning is beautiful. The smoke has cleared and the sun is coming through. Won’t you step around to the back and see what I have growing there? There’s peas in the pod, grapes on the vine, the scarlet runners climbing the tower, green tomatoes and little cucumbers. The broccoli is flowering and cabbages forming under cover. The petunias are nodding their approval from above.

Oh, there’s the Bing Cherry bush, too. It’s covered with fruit. Sheba has discovered she likes sleeping outdoors and made her bed beneath it. I wonder what else she has discovered as she sleeps with nature in the night. Maybe if I can quiet my mind and open my heart, they will come to me.

THE SMALLEST THINGS

Posted on June 14, 2015 by hafong

The smallest thing can make me so happy sometimes – like seeing the tiny orange blossoms of my Clivia peeping through the leaves, the deep red of my peonies and the rose in all of its pink glory.

Then there’s the rain today, so soft and gentle. We have waited long for it this year. I’m quenching my thirst and nourishing my body along with the earth.

We ‘walked my grandparents’ mountain’ today, not pouring our usual libation and offering of food. We still honoured them with our bows and flowers. Sometimes you have to be flexible with the rituals because of life’s circumstances. The important things are not etched in stone. They reside in your heart.

We could not all be there today either but it is not the biggest deal. It is how life is.

THE WAY OF LIFE

Posted on June 11, 2015 by hafong

Here I am, on a warm dry June afternoon, still mostly wordless in June. It is what it is. It’s the way of life. There is no way or point fighting it. I am sure when they are ready and I have something to say, the words will pour forth. They will trip from the keyboard and march across the page like uniformed soldiers on duty. Till then, I might as well relax into the summer, read, and tend to my garden.

Have you seen how awesome my garden is? I love the dappled light of the morning sun shining through the bamboo for the beans and to climb on. The carrots are trying to poke through between the onions. They are suppose to be perfect companion plants. I love the gravel paths. They also serve as water reservoirs when it rains. I hope there’s space enough for the tomatoes, cucumbers, squash and cabbage to spread in the middle bed. I tend to plant things too close, hating to waste space. Right along the fence seems the perfect place for a row of peas. They have something to climb on.

The spinach, lettuce, radish and Italian dandelions found perfect homes beside the rhubarb. And more peas along the other side of the fence.

The raspberries and grape vines are doing great for their second year. There’s clusters of little green grapes already.

The flower are not to be outdone. They are putting on a show of their own.

Words are not necessary today.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME

Posted on May 28, 2015 by hafong

I received this message from WordPress yesterday:

Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com. You registered on WordPress.com 3 years ago! Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

I wish I could keep up the blogging, never mind the good. My words have vanished and I’m left scratching my head, wondering where they went. There is no point in pushing and poking myself. There’s no point in wishing and hoping. That will only scare the words right out of sight.

So the only thing to do is stop wishing and hoping and sit here in front of my keyboard and tap out the letters. First one, then two and so on until a word forms, then a sentence, a paragraph. Sooner or later, probably later, I will have enough sentences and paragraphs for a post.

This is hard, damn hard! It is like living but what am I going to do? I’m never one for giving up so I trudge on…one step, two steps….Damn! I’m on a journey.

I thank Dusty Springfield for her song, Wishin’ and Hopin’ for inspiring and pushing me forward with my few words today. I hope you will enjoy it, too.

A DAY IN MAY

Posted on May 14, 2015 by hafong

It’s a cool, grey morning in May. No dancing sunlight nor shadows on the wall. It’s not my kind of day nor weather. BUT I am learning to accept. It is what is here. It is what is. I cannot change it. What I can change is how I see and feel about it. I do not have to hate and dread it. It is just a grey cool day. There is no need to pass judgement on it. Let the day begin.

I’m having a little trouble finding the words these days. They do not come readily to my fingertips. I miss the rhythmic tap on the keyboard. I miss seeing the letters and words march across the screen. I miss the process of matching photos to the words and stories. So now I’m sitting and trying to resuscitate and breathe a little life into these fingers. No use in sitting and thinking. Nothing happens unless I move a body part. This much I know.

Funny how fast things can change and how easily you can lose your equilibrium. And oh, how difficult it is to get it back! The harder you try, the faster it slips away. I am not discouraged. I am just a little weary. How can I not be with a much spoiled dog trying to run me? Yes, Sheba is still trying to rule the roost, whimpering through the night. But we caught on to her tricks and how smart she can be. She’s teaching me about boundaries and containment. She is ousted from the bedroom at night. There are rules and boundaries. There are rewards for good behaviour.

On this 14th day in May, there is much to be grateful for. The sun is coming out to lift the grey and warm the day. Sheba is laying by my chair. I am breathing out my words and feeling whole. Everything is as it should be.

TODAY

Posted on May 11, 2015 by hafong

It’s funny how ideas and other things come into your mind sometimes. Out of nowhere, it seems. How do they come, I wonder. How are they transported and what are they made of? Are they streams of energy or are they what is called will o’ the wisps?

And so it was the lyrics of a song from yesteryear popped into my head. It was John Denver’s Today. Back then I didn’t know he wrote it. I thought it was an old traditional. I have always loved the melody and lyrics. I sang it in the tub last evening and I sang it when I woke up this morning.

They’re wonderful, beautiful words to live by – today. It’s right here and now. I can taste the strawberries and the wine.

Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I’ll taste your strawberries, I’ll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
‘Ere I forget all the joy that is mine, today

I’ll be a dandy, and I’ll be a rover
You’ll know who I am by the songs that I sing
I’ll feast at your table, I’ll sleep in your clover
Who cares what the morrow shall bring

I can’t be contented with yesterday’s glory
I can’t live on promises winter to spring
Today is my moment, now is my story
I’ll laugh and I’ll cry and I’ll sing

ON NOT BEING A MOTHER

Posted on May 10, 2015 by hafong

It is a cool grey Sunday morning in Saskatoon. Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there. Anne Lamott’s May 8 post on the occasion is giving me pause for thought about the day and motherhood.

I’m realizing that in all my years I have always been a daughter and never a mother – that is except to my fur baby, Sheba. How does that making me feel deep inside? In a sense I feel that I’m still a child, waiting to grow up, to have that family and become a mother. I’m waiting to be authenticated so that I can truly start living. But I realize that it is a false feeling, generated by false assumptions of how we should be.

In all honesty, I have never had vision of a white picket fence, children or being domestic and in the kitchen. I confess that I have developed a love for cooking, baking and other domestic endeavours at this late date. I have to sew myself an apron so I can really feel and look the role.

I believe that we are here for different roles and purposes. Motherhood was not meant for me. I do not feel a loss or tragic about it. Life and love flows through different avenues and streets. Sometimes I encounter traffic jams and have to choose detours and roundabouts. Often I opt for the road less travelled even though it is more difficult.

I admire and appreciate what my mother and all mothers do to raise their children to be authentic beings. They are mothers every day. I do my best to show my mother my appreciation every day.

Though I never saw the husband along with the white picket fence and motherhood, somehow there is a man on the premise. We have a white fence to keep our fur baby out of the garden patch.

RISE AND SHINE

Posted on May 9, 2015 by hafong

It is Saturday. The sun rises and shines through the windows. The shadows dance on the wall. I am summoned by the day to rise and shine my best, however much I can. I have been tried and challenged this last while. It is no drama, though dramatic. The details are stowed away in the recesses of my mind – to be examined at a better time.

For now I bask in the warmth of a sunny May morning, happy to find my words and to feel the tap, tap of the keyboard. Each click is soothing beneath my fingertips. Each click is unlocking the fetters and releasing the angst from my body. I am recovering the ME of me. I am feeling the sweet melody of life in my body. I can surely rise and shine with the sun.

I can feel the pull of sewing that sail cover for Rod. The bedding plants are clamouring to be out in the sun. Life is calling.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: life