confidence

FAKING IT IN DECEMBER

Photo by Markus Winkler on Pexels.com

December 9. It is 11:30 am and we’re at a balmy -6℃. I’m sipping a black decaf., hoping to curb my addiction to cream and sugar. I would like to drop a few pounds  and an extra chin. I tend to sip quite a few cups of tea and coffee in a day. They’re like the cigarette I gave up a long time ago. 

Every day is a new day. I like to start each one with new energy and a new out look. Not everything has to be hard, bad and sad. I can curve my droopy lips up into a smile. No one has to know it is fake. Fake it till you make it. It does make me feel more cheery. It is ok, too, if I can’t do it. There’s nothing more annoying to me than fake smiling lips pasted on someone’s face 24/7. Maybe we can be that cheerful all that time but it looks so unnatural to me.

My chili is warming up on the stove. The salads are made. Waiting for the mister to come home from his boat building garage. I hear his footsteps. Time to heat up some rice.

 

December 10. Intentions don’t mean beans when I don’t follow up with action. I had intentions of coming back to the page yesterday. I didn’t. Now it is another day. Almost supper time – 5:30 in the afternoon. It is -13℃. It’s been mostly sunny today. I chart the weather conditions so that I can analyze my moods and energy level to see if there is a link between the two. Knowing that, maybe I can offset or side step some of the dangers and hazards that may befall me.

For sure this morning’s ski gave me a boost in every department. I really wasn’t super keen in going to the Wildwood ski trail at the golf course. I ended last season feeling confident and pumped but it’s been over 9 months. Confidence has waned and doubts crawling in. The easier outside track is 2.2 km around with hills and valleys. Memories of struggling up one hill and falling down another invaded my thoughts. My stomach did little flip-flops enroute. It goes to show how strong our thoughts are and how they can affect our physiology.  

To make a long story short, my apprehension was unwarranted. I scaled all the hills and fell down none. I had to work hard getting up one. If I had used the herringbone technique, it would have been a snap. Next time. At any rate, I’m developing strong arm muscles. I really had to dig in. I was determined not to slide down backwards and fall on my tootsie. It helped that I was the only one on the trail. I relaxed, took my time and a few photos. It was really ecstasy – the crisp morning air and the rising sun. I’ll let the photos paint the scene.

I’m wrapping it up here. I have no more words and thoughts except to say faking it through the darkness of December works for me. I’m taking it easier on myself, remembering that this is the slumber month. I can be a little bear like and crawl into my quilt for a few minutes or an hour. I can fake it till I make it.

SHIFTING

IMG_2885What I know for sure is there is no certainty. The world according to our plans does not exist.  Faced with reality, there is no comfort in known adages the likes of:  You are not getting older you’re getting better.  You are not alone.  You are beautiful just the way you are.  Funny how time and circumstances can change my outlook.  Once upon a time, I believed in those truths.  Now…I am older  wiser, and more vulnerable. I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore.  Perhaps it is with the shift of the planet and the sun.  I feel and smell the coming autumn.  The sun comes up a bit later.  Its slant and quality a little different.

photo credit: Ava as Wonder Woman via photopin (license)
photo credit: Ava as Wonder Woman via photopin (license)

I feel a little melancholy with the change.  It is not a bad thing but somehow I do feel inadequate and apologetic that I do not put on a brave face and say regardless, the show must go on.  To whom, I do not know.  Yes, I would like to stand tall and be the Wonder Woman of my dreams.  I want to pump that fist and give life that confident pump.  But I do not have the bravado to fake it till I make it.  I wonder if it is true.  Maybe I CAN fake it – not to make it, but to become it. Life and our planet are shifting.  Things are never the same.  We stand on feet of clay in the sand.  I am shifting.  I am changed.  Maybe I need to change my stories, too, along with my posture. I can learn to strut and punch like the Wonder Woman that I am.  They say body language sends powerful messages about who we are.  I want to pump it up a little.  So what if I am faking it?  Do you want to make something of it?  Bring it on!  I’m ready.

CONFIDENCE BUILDING SUNDAY

http://www.planetminecraft.com/
Image from http://www.planetminecraft.com/

A lovely sunny Sunday!  You couldn’t ask for a better day to go for a bike ride.  Can you believe it?   I haven’t been on my two-wheeler yet this year.  I can always blame it on the late spring and all the rain.  But the fact is, I am a bit of a scaredy cat.  I always worry about falling.  That, of course, preordains my fate.  I blame my fear on my childhood.  It’s a catchall for every insecurity and fear under the sun.

When I was a child in China, the bicycle taxi was our main transport if it was too far to go on foot.  When my mother visited her parents in their village, it was too far for me to walk.  I was too heavy for her to carry all the way.  She rented a taxi for us but it was her luck to get the same driver numerous times.

He was no Lance Armstrong.  He had no skill.  He shouldn’t have been driving/riding a bicycle at all.  In fact, he did get fired, but not before the damage was done to me.  He instilled the fear of falling in me!  Inevitably, somehow, he, the bike and us would end up off the road – in the ditch, among trees….Thank God, my mother was smart enough to tell him to let us off first when we got near water.

Here I am years later, the fear of falling still resides in me.  It doesn’t help that I was into adulthood when I taught myself to ride.  I would always rely on the curb to push myself off and to stop.  That limited my riding range and enjoyment.  Curbs are not everywhere.

IMG_7379It wasn’t till last year that I took some classes.   I’ve learned the proper way of starting up, stopping and dismounting – without curbs.  What a relief it was to discover that there is time to come to a stop and then dismounting.  I had thought you had to do both at the same time.  Quite often before, I ended up dropping the bike and hopping off.  Sometimes the bike and I dropped!  So no more of that now!  No more scraped hands and other body parts.

IMG_7363After a lengthy absence I still have the jitters starting off.  Can I push off successfully and remain upright? Will I remember how to shift gears?  Can I find the brakes?  What about the traffic?  And on and on. There is no stopping the mind except to push off.

This afternoon off we went – pushing onto the streets of Saskatoon.  We came to traffic lights and stop signs.  We passed ‘GO’  to Broadway and double scoops of ice cream cones.  No drips, no falls, no scrapes.  Just some exercise, sun and a lot of sweetness.