SHIFTING

IMG_2885What I know for sure is there is no certainty. The world according to our plans does not exist.  Faced with reality, there is no comfort in known adages the likes of:  You are not getting older you’re getting better.  You are not alone.  You are beautiful just the way you are.  Funny how time and circumstances can change my outlook.  Once upon a time, I believed in those truths.  Now…I am older  wiser, and more vulnerable. I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore.  Perhaps it is with the shift of the planet and the sun.  I feel and smell the coming autumn.  The sun comes up a bit later.  Its slant and quality a little different.

photo credit: Ava as Wonder Woman via photopin (license)
photo credit: Ava as Wonder Woman via photopin (license)

I feel a little melancholy with the change.  It is not a bad thing but somehow I do feel inadequate and apologetic that I do not put on a brave face and say regardless, the show must go on.  To whom, I do not know.  Yes, I would like to stand tall and be the Wonder Woman of my dreams.  I want to pump that fist and give life that confident pump.  But I do not have the bravado to fake it till I make it.  I wonder if it is true.  Maybe I CAN fake it – not to make it, but to become it. Life and our planet are shifting.  Things are never the same.  We stand on feet of clay in the sand.  I am shifting.  I am changed.  Maybe I need to change my stories, too, along with my posture. I can learn to strut and punch like the Wonder Woman that I am.  They say body language sends powerful messages about who we are.  I want to pump it up a little.  So what if I am faking it?  Do you want to make something of it?  Bring it on!  I’m ready.

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY or A LITTLE OF THIS AND THAT

Photo on 2011-02-02 at 18.45The nights are over and I am in recovery mode.  After all these years, I am still trying to figure out how best to exit the night shifts and into the day.  What is the best way to rejoin the rest of the world?  Of course now, most of the world is out of kelter, too.  We are all shifting in every which direction.  So why try?

However, not trying does not feel good.  So I give up sitting in front of the computer.  My hair is standing on end.  I cannot read.  Nothing sinks in.  My mouth feels like yesterday’s socks.  I am tired and restless at the same time.  I do not want to go to bed.  The sun is out and the world is moving and I feel I should, too.

In the end, I give in to what my body needs….sleep.  I brush my teeth and rinse the grit out of my mouth.  I lay down and sleep only lasted 3 hours.  Well, it is better than nothing.  Oh the joy of shift or social jetlag!  Thou is doing me in.

It is a week and a couple of day shifts later.   I am still feeling like hell.  What excuse do I use now…the weather and changing barometric pressures?  Why not.  End of April and I am still bundling up in winter coat and scarf one day.  The next, I’m in short sleeves and leveling the snow pile in the garden and I’m sweating.  Is that normal?

I woke up this morning with all my bones aching.  My fingers are swollen and my hands sore and throbbing.  I felt nauseous with pain.  I was whiny and miserable.  I felt like throwing a temper tantrum but I am just a little too old for that.   So a painkiller was the next best thing.  It saved the day and a few nerves.

The pill put out the fire in my hands and a small smile on my lips.  It eased my way out the door for a walk with Sheba in the morning and the afternoon.  I was not what you call a ball of fire but I did a little bit of this and a little bit of that.  The laundry got done.  My uniforms got ironed.  Yesterday’s shopping of meat got cleaned, packed, labeled and put in the freezer.  The floor did not get vacuumed but they were swept.  I remembered not to dwell on perfection.  I remembered to start where I am.  I remembered that I am not responsible for everything, that it’s not my fault that people are unhappy.  I remembered.

Now the day is done.  The sun has set and I am sipping wine.

SHIFTING THROUGH LENT

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I’ve lost track of how many days we are into Lent.  I haven’t read my daily messages from A Course in Miracles.  I feel I have lost so much time shifting through my nights at work.  I’m feeling as if I am in my own separate bubble, divorced from the whole wide world.  My cries echo silently in my tiny bubble.

All I feel is my physical discomfort – the thousand aches in my body, my breathlessness, the heaviness of my fatigue.  I would like to be inert forever, but that is also a discomfort unto its own.  So, with effort and the help of Sheba’s insistent barking, I rise out of bed in the morning.  We do the breakfast habit and somehow find ourselves at the park and on the trail between the trees.

Sheba runs this way and that way, happy to be free out in the world again.  I trudge along, my steps easing and lengthening as we went along.  I take a breath in and breathe out through the opening in my heart and felt my aches melting with each breath.  Oh, sweet relief!

Life is a struggle sometimes.  But where would we be without those struggles?  There would be no need to find solutions to problems, no experimenting, no puzzles to solve.   Through these days in Lent, I have abandoned my pursuit of happiness and perfection.  I think we have been sold a false set of goods by the media of what a good life is – the perfect house, the car, the money, the job, the stuff…..

Instead, through my time in the desert, I will learn to live, in this moment as I am.  I will be impeccable with my works.  I will not take anything personally.  I will make no assumptions.  I may fail and fall down, but I will get up and try again.  I will do my best. That is all that anyone can do, their best.

SHIFTING

I am shifting through a kaleidoscope of moods and feelings, wishing that I could say that they are all good, all awesome.  Unfortunately that is not the case.  But the one good thing that I can say is I am enjoying the sunshine and the warmth of my sun room.

It is no doubt that this shifting is caused partly by my shift work.  It is not natural to reverse our sleeping patterns.  It is not natural to submerged oneself in such a work atmosphere without consequences.  I am taking note and acknowledging these things so that I do not beat myself up too badly.

I am also what you would call ‘sensitive’.  I do not handle changes in the weather well.  Does that sound like an excuse?  Maybe, but it is my truth.  It causes me physical discomfort, so I have to give it credence and acceptance.

It is good that I am able to give all these things credence and acceptance.  These are mine truths and realities, difficult for those who do not share them to understand.  You have to walk in the same shoes to have a knowing.  And I am lucky this morning to find three brave women blogging about similar issues.  Thank you girls!

Today is election day in the United States of America.  I am hoping that people are exercising their right to choose..even though there are only two choices.  It also reminds me that in life we can also elect to choose – on how it is we respond in all circumstances.

Though I am not feeling my best at any moment, I am learning to live in the moment.  I am learning how to do my best at that moment.  I am learning to pause in the moment, and not do the knee-jerk thing.  Often I do fail.  The knee is faster in the jerking than the pausing.

My positive pause today was the mailman.  We had a nice visit at the door.  I learned that Alice doesn’t live here anymore and he’s married to my mother’s friend’s daughter.  His visit gave me a pause, a desired rest from my negative stream of thoughts and bad feelings.

Then I saw my neighbour’s visitor backed his truck over my low growing Junipers, not once but twice.  It would have been more forgivable if he was a woman, but a man who can’t back up a truck onto a wide driveway?  But in the end, I did forgive him.  Maybe he was angry with my neighbour!

I can understand that.  You see in all things,  forgiveness can be possible.  Sometimes we have to give ourselves a little more time, a little more space and some passion for ourselves.  Sometimes it is not all our faults.

In my house of moods, I have learned to use them to my own advantage.  Instead of feeling the anger, I use that energy to clean, tidy, dust, etc.  I put on my dancing shoes and set the timer for 5 minute intervals.  I sway and bob to the tune of ‘Stayin’ Alive as I do my stuff.  The timer going off at 5 minutes keeps me moving fast and on the job.