Tag Archives: intentions

Working out of Acedia

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A cool cloudy October 20th, the first anniversary of my mother’s death. We’ve weathered through the first year. We took some flowers to her grave site yesterday. We had a rose for her friend, Amy but we couldn’t find her unmarked site. We knew it was nearby but it was too cold to do a long search. We added the rose to mom’s bouquet. Next visit, Amy.

A year is not a long time. Her absence felt long. I can’t remember or feel the time between her leaving and the present. I find myself wondering what the heck happened. How did I get here? It is best to leave those feelings and questions unexplored. I would only get lost in them and it would do more harm than good.

So here I am, on this 20th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I haven’t completely dispelled my acedia which is described by AI as a state of listlessness, apathy, and a lack of care, often involving spiritual or moral laziness and indifference. I sometimes still find myself emotionless, incapable of being upset by anything or anyone. I suppose it can be a good thing. I’ve been too emotional in the past, with a short fuse, erupting like a volcano too often. It’s restful being in acedia.

I think I needed acedia but I’m slowing easing out of it. Maybe it’s due to my daily tapping on the keyboard. Maybe it is making an intention of losing 17 pounds. Today I feel a tiny twinge of being alive and slightly kicking. I feel trimmer, losing the pound I gained. I vacuumed yesterday. The house feels so much cleaner. The diningroom table is once again cleared. Can I say hallelujah?

June

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What can I say about June? I’m all out of words. This is perhaps not the best time of day to be engaging. I’m tired from a day of gardening and my blood sugar is low. I feel morose and discouraged. I am unable to resist another cup of coffee and some crackers with peanut butter. I am still doing ok. It’s only my 2nd cup and not my 3rd or 4th. Peanut butter is a good protein, food for my brain.

I want to continue my journey here. It’s good for my mental health to have a space to mutter and utter my angst. It’s good to show up for the first day of the month. It’s starting off on the right foot. May was a good month for me. I set intentions for the month to work on developing better habits. Intentions are helpful. They give me a sense of direction so I am not so lost in the wilderness. For June and July I have another art challenge – daisy yellow index card a day challenge, making art on an index card for 61 days. I’m still working on #the100dayproject. I have 9 more teacups to go. For a reading challenge, I’m reading Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Deemed to be the greates novel of all time, it intrigued me. I shall see for myself.

These are some of my plans for June and July. Tiny, easy and simple are still my key words. I also have to feel good about doing these things. Importantly, I will celebrate every little success. I think this is enough for now. My words are not flowing easily or smoothly.

Habits – Making and Breaking

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It seems habits are difficult to make and to break as well. Why is that? I wonder. It’s a difficult and dumb question to ponder after a sleepless night. But who says I’m smart? Not me when I’m still struggling with the same old, same old problem of paper clutter. How many years have I been bitching and whining about it? How many years have I talk about working on it? Yet here I am, still stuck in the same groove. Not only stuck but sinking deeper into the pile.

I have this dread of opening my mail. I don’t know why but I’ve had it for decades. I hate reading and dealing with it. I have learned to open the bills after some expensive late fees. I guess I have taken a few steps forward. Now I’m snowed under with tax receipts and bank statements. The clock is ticking loudly. It’s forcing me to open a few more envelopes and making my head hurt. But it’s good that I’ve started. I have 5 weeks to get my ass in gear.

It’s not that I don’t have a goal or intention. I know what it is I want at the end of the rainbow. I always intend to do better but I haven’t. I think I don’t know how to get there. I’m lacking methodology, clear and concise steps to reach the pot of gold. I’m overwhelmed and lost before I start. The first step I must take is to open the mail when I get it right away. Then go from there. The Ultimate Blog Challenge for April is coming up. I will take the opportunity to work on making good habits and breaking my bad ones. I will open each piece of mail from now till end of April and hope it will stick.

WEEDING MY INNER GARDEN

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April 20th. Another new dawn. Another new day. The sun is gracing us with its presence. We are joyous. I’ve been in the greenhouse, raised the shade and removed the cardboards from the windows. The nights are still cool, dipping into the minus. Every little bit of heat I can help retain is worth the effort. I harvested some brokali greens for a stir fry for lunch and did a little weeding. They don’t need much sun or heat to thrive. If I don’t take care, they will take over. That’s what happened with my garden within. I haven’t paid attention and the weeds have invaded my head space. Now comes the painful but needed task of weeding within.

The important thing is to create a clean canvass each morning. Put up boundaries so overwhelm cannot come in. In this case, I’m fencing out intrusive and negative thoughts, trashy tidbits from the world wide web and any distractions clamoring for my attention. It is important that I think of only the thing I’m doing/working on at the moment. When I’m writing, I should be thinking only of what I am writing. It is a hard task since I’ve set my brain on autopilot for so long. Now I have to work to take back control. It can be done. First, I need to have a plan. I need to know where the trouble plots are in the garden of my mind. I need to know what weeds are growing in each plot and then to find the right solution.

It’s late afternoon. I’ve come back to this plot to work on the weeds. I have just a little more to do and then I will call it quits for today. I must not bite off too much all at once. Working in small squares add up. I’m staying on track with set goals and intentions. I have not over indulged on my cuppas, having one Orange Pekoe in the morning and a decaf in the afternoon. I noticed that I really would like another after the decaf. I think it’s the sugar and cream calling me. The pumpkin chocolate chip muffin added its voice. I resisted their calls. A good ending for this 22nd day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am pleased.

FAKING IT IN DECEMBER

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December 9. It is 11:30 am and we’re at a balmy -6℃. I’m sipping a black decaf., hoping to curb my addiction to cream and sugar. I would like to drop a few pounds  and an extra chin. I tend to sip quite a few cups of tea and coffee in a day. They’re like the cigarette I gave up a long time ago. 

Every day is a new day. I like to start each one with new energy and a new out look. Not everything has to be hard, bad and sad. I can curve my droopy lips up into a smile. No one has to know it is fake. Fake it till you make it. It does make me feel more cheery. It is ok, too, if I can’t do it. There’s nothing more annoying to me than fake smiling lips pasted on someone’s face 24/7. Maybe we can be that cheerful all that time but it looks so unnatural to me.

My chili is warming up on the stove. The salads are made. Waiting for the mister to come home from his boat building garage. I hear his footsteps. Time to heat up some rice.

 

December 10. Intentions don’t mean beans when I don’t follow up with action. I had intentions of coming back to the page yesterday. I didn’t. Now it is another day. Almost supper time – 5:30 in the afternoon. It is -13℃. It’s been mostly sunny today. I chart the weather conditions so that I can analyze my moods and energy level to see if there is a link between the two. Knowing that, maybe I can offset or side step some of the dangers and hazards that may befall me.

For sure this morning’s ski gave me a boost in every department. I really wasn’t super keen in going to the Wildwood ski trail at the golf course. I ended last season feeling confident and pumped but it’s been over 9 months. Confidence has waned and doubts crawling in. The easier outside track is 2.2 km around with hills and valleys. Memories of struggling up one hill and falling down another invaded my thoughts. My stomach did little flip-flops enroute. It goes to show how strong our thoughts are and how they can affect our physiology.  

To make a long story short, my apprehension was unwarranted. I scaled all the hills and fell down none. I had to work hard getting up one. If I had used the herringbone technique, it would have been a snap. Next time. At any rate, I’m developing strong arm muscles. I really had to dig in. I was determined not to slide down backwards and fall on my tootsie. It helped that I was the only one on the trail. I relaxed, took my time and a few photos. It was really ecstasy – the crisp morning air and the rising sun. I’ll let the photos paint the scene.

I’m wrapping it up here. I have no more words and thoughts except to say faking it through the darkness of December works for me. I’m taking it easier on myself, remembering that this is the slumber month. I can be a little bear like and crawl into my quilt for a few minutes or an hour. I can fake it till I make it.

WORKING SMARTER, NOT HARDER

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I am most happy when I am working on a project or challenge. Right now my challenge/project is writing this post and baking bread. I’m in between risings. I have a few minutes to tap out some first words/thoughts. I’ve been away for awhile. It might take some time for my fingers to limber up and my brain to gear up. Thank God the heat wave is over. The 30+- 40℃ have chilled. I don’t function well in heat but I did remarkedly well through it this time. And that is because I’ve learned to work smarter, not harder. I owe my thanks to Chris Baily of the Productivity Project.

I’ve finished baking my bread. The loaves are out, cooled, bagged and put away. The mixing bowl, tools and all the pans are washed and dried. After everything is said and done, I know that I’ve worked hard. I’m not sure about the smart part. But it is at the end of the day. I am tired. Though it is only 22℃ now, I feel hot. I am sure I am still processing the past week of heat. I do not bounce back like the EverReady Bunny. I’m more like the tortoise. I am slow but I try to be steady and committed.

I’m intent on writing this post as I had set out to do this morning. It’s a good thing that I chose only 2 things for today. I’m not sure I have enough energy for more. Oh, I’ve done more than just baking bread and writing this post. I’m talking about commitments- things I MUST do from start to finish. I have a bad habit of starting something and not following through. I hope to change that by working smarter, not wasting energy and time on the wrong things. Coming back to this writing space will help me chart my way. I’ve been away for too many days.

MY CAMINO ROAD

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Beginnings of anythings are hard. Mornings are the best for me. It’s that time before trivia creeps in and fills all the recesses of my mind. They block the flow of oxygen and ideas to my being. But it is so tempting to linger over that cup of tea/coffee and scroll one more page and read another article, then another post. Before I know it, an hour or two have passed. The good/bright ideas/intentions have disappeared. All I’m left is lethargy and annoyance with myself.

I have to be stern with my lagging, sagging self. Nip it in the bud or it could run rampant, like an infection. So here I am, showing up before I get feverish and succumb to another lazy day. Movement begats more movement and energy. I go back to things that work for me, working in small blocks. If I get stuck, I stop and do something else. I’m learning not to sabotage myself. It’s been a long journey of many slow steps. But I am seeing more clearly as I am walking this, my very own Camino Road of enlightenment. No need to go to Spain. I have Sheba to keep me company here on the road.

Now it is 3:30 in the afternoon. I’m pecking/tapping away at my day. An index card painted for 365 Somethings 2018, a photo for April Love , Sheba’s afternoon walk done – these are the sign posts that guide me. They add order and rhythm to my day. In between these projects, the bedding plants are placed onto the deck, getting some natural light, readying for permanent residence out of doors. The deck chairs are rid of their dust and grime. Corners of the deck cleared of last year’s dirt. Screens wiped. Not all finished but a good start. That’s all that is needed. A start and the rest will follow. Repeat this every day.

 

I AM DONE

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The wind is still blowing. It rattles things on the deck as if someone is out there. The howling tires me, draining my vitality. The dishes spread before me. It is habit that saves me and moves me on. Now they are clean and draining on the counter. I get to sit before my keyboard with my cup of tea. I am pondering my feelings and words. How do I describe them? How am I going to deal with them? The wind carries on. A crow caws. I sip my tea.

I discovered yesterday that laundry baskets are not easy to deal with. Even though I was intent in emptying it once and for all, it was still difficult to do.  After fiddling around with a few articles, I had to lay it aside again for another time.  No use wasting energy when the timing was wrong. Instead I turned to the wall unit and bookshelves in the basement. They are full of stuff and dust as well. Here was a starting point, an opening for a beginning. That’s what most is needed – a beginning.

It is evening. How the day sped by, though I felt slow as molasses in winter. Supper is done and so is my glass of wine. I am tapping the last words to this post. The wind hasn’t stopped its lament. It’s crying still. It was wicked walking Sheba in it but it is done. I am, too, but in a good way. I just had to put one foot in front of the other. Somehow things have a way of taking care of themselves.

 

 

OH, HAPPY DAY HABITS

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Oh happy day! I slept last night, not as well as I wished but I was not tossing and turning. The sun is shining. The neighbour’s sunflowers are smiling over the fence. It’s 9 am. The day is before me to do as I please. There is nothing hanging over my head. No deadlines. No must do’s. Nothing. But that does not mean that I should just lull the day away. There are certain habits and routines to follow for a healthy life.

I have gotten up, dressed up and showed up, setting my intentions and goals for the day. I am one who does well with rather than without a program. I like to feel and hear the tap, tap of my keyboard. I like to see the letters and words march across my screen. It makes it real for me, this sitting here, talking to myself and you if you are listening. It’s a great compliment to me if you are.

What’s my plan for the day? First, my qigong routine to loosen and limber up. My shoulders are feeling it from my swim yesterday. Then onward to give the house a quick sweep of Sheba’s hair, harvest the grapes and clean them to make fruit rolls. Those are the important items for today. I’ve been doing my little art projects for awhile now. It’s a habit. I can fit them in easily. They are my dessert of the day.

GLORY DAYS – Day 13 in a year of…

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Day 13, August 4, 2016 @4:05

IMG_4303These are truly the glory days of August.  My garden is flushed with delicious vegetables.  Let me not squander the days away with stinking thinking, bad attitude, foul mood or low blood sugar.  Afternoons can be treacherous.  A cup of tea and a couple of chocolates to make me more agreeable.  It does not help that Sheba is dogging in my footsteps wherever I go.  Possibly she is also seeking sugar replacement.

IMG_6920Mornings are the best for setting intentions.  And so I sat with Melli O’Brien and Tami Simon of Sounds True and learned about total body breathing.  It is an episode from the Mindfulness Summit, October 2015.  Today I am focused on learning to enjoy the process of sewing a blouse – being patient and deliberate with each step.  In the past, I have rushed through to the end product, missing the beginning and the middle – missing the joy, missing a lot.

IMG_6936Now I see it is really not my stinking thinking or low blood sugar.  It is really a storm brewing in my head.  It has just burst open.  I’m tap, tapping to the rhythm of pounding rain on the aluminum roof of the deck.  It is very strange and beautiful.  The rain came raging out of nowhere.  I am very fortunate to have this wonderful space to sit and watch, surrounded by it all.

The rain have passed.  I can show you the glory in the garden.  Come, let me show you. It is my rainbow after the rain.