MAY MOMENTS – FEELING GOOD INSIDE OUT

A cloudy windy day after a short burst of morning sunshine. I am happy to be out and about in the greenhouse and garden early this morning. Moving my body and getting things done is good therapy for a restless body and mind. I think I fell into a deep dark well of despair and helplessness the other day. Life is full of surprises. So many quirks, obstacles and unplanned detours. I thought I had a good grasp of the threads of life. But you know what they say about the best laid plans. They crumble into many pieces. I grieve for all past losses and the ones yet to come.

The grief I felt was so deep and emcompassing because in those moments I saw the truth of what is really important in our lives. I grieve because I saw the mistakes I/all of us have made and still making. I wonder why we couldn’t have/still can’t do better. Why are we so damn human? The knowing is such a deep pain with nowhere to go. I felt breathless with it. I could feel myself curling into fetal position in my mind’s eye. I did not want to be so physically and mentally locked in by my thoughts and emotions. So I started moving, just moving, doing my mobility routine and stretches.

You wouldn’t think that it would be much help. It wasn’t at first except to relieve some of the muscle tension caused by holding myself in so tight. Movement begats movement and I went on to bigger ones. It’s surprising how much I got done once I started moving. Yesterday I gathered some of my old shoes that was hanging around a long time but not worn. They’re in a garbage bag along with some other similiar items. I’m weeding my physical space, pulling out the obnoxious and clearing space so I can breathe. Feeling good from the inside out. What is outside is also on the inside.

I’m feeling better today despite the wind and clouds. But I have to wonder whether the weather change had precipitated and increased my moodiness. I have always felt I’m super sensitive to the weather. But then I also wonder if I’m using it as an excuse for my shortcomings. I should have more faith and trust in myself. I do have that sensitivity. It is not a bad thing. I suffer some but I also gain some insight from these occasions. What I’ve learned this time is that ruminating thoughts are the worse thing. Being able to stop them is the best. The best tool for that is movement.

AM I HAVING FUN YET

January 18. The Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Another day enclosed in the grey. I tried dipping my toes into my fun list this afternoon. I didn’t have any nail polish on hand. Otherwise, I might have had some fun. I used to have a couple of bottles laying around forever and a day. I could have used them today. So I had throwaway regrets. Next, I tried origami. I have a kit I bought when I was in Japan a million years ago. The instructions were diagrams without words. It was a bit complicated. Maybe I should have started on page 4 instead of 22. As a result, my tulip is a little too top heavy.

Next, I played a little piano. I was not engaging so I gave up after 20 minutes. It’s really no fun when I’m feeling so blasè. I had been reading Babel and it was interesting but in my mood, a dark fantasy about colonalism would make my mood darker. I thought about resorting to John Grisham’s The Client, but I got onto YouTube and found this. I was engaged, caught up in the music and movement of this couple ice skating.

It wasn’t really what you would call fun but I was at least distracted from my grey feelings for a few minutes. Perhaps I should not try so hard running away from these feelings/days. Just accept and ride/ease them through without a fight/struggle. Perhaps there’s a purpose for them.

THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN MY HEAD

What I know for sure is I live in my thoughts/head too much. It’s no wonder my world is dark and full hairy green monsters. I’ve lost my love for most things that used to give me pleasure. Coming here to my sacred place is a chore. From experience I know that the tapping on the keyboard is my pacemaker. It will help kick my heart back in rhythm. And so I make the effort. I still possess that curiosity, the need to investigate and fix things. At the moment I’m still intent on fixing me so that I could live with more ease.

I haven’t quite master the art of letting go yet. I can’t quite accept the idea that I am not God, that I am not all powerful. I can’t fix anything and everything. I exert alot of energy and waste my intent on things that I can’t change. It’s burning me out somewhat. I do see that though. Hurrah for me for the small but huge recognition. It’s started me on the road to reconciliation with myself. I am who I am but I can choose to do differently. I do not have to proceed down the same well trodden but wrong paths.

I need not be so hard on myself. I have to implement the nurture part of the R.A.I.N. meditation. I am not good at self love but I’m an expert at beating myself to death. One good thing that I possess is the desire for excellence in living. The spark is ever alive in me – to do my best, whatever is the best at the moment. Today, I’m trying to get my head out of my thoughts. I want to be awake to the light of the day even though it is cloudy. With eyes wide opened, the unamed hairy monsters/fears recede.

So I’m sipping roasted dandelion tea. I threw in some freshly chopped ginger in. It’s a good combination. I savoured the taste on my tongue. Thinking and thoughts are always with me but I need to reside in the physical world as well. I need to move my body as well as my soul. I’m leaving the monsters and fears on the page. Their power over me is diffused as I watch the letters and words march across my screen. It’s time for them to get the hell out. I have lunch to make. The brown rice is cooking in the Instant Pot. All the veggies are chopped and ready for me. I still stir fry them with some ground pork. I cannot survive on thoughts alone. I need real food. That’s what I know for sure.

MY CAMINO ROAD

Beginnings of anythings are hard. Mornings are the best for me. It’s that time before trivia creeps in and fills all the recesses of my mind. They block the flow of oxygen and ideas to my being. But it is so tempting to linger over that cup of tea/coffee and scroll one more page and read another article, then another post. Before I know it, an hour or two have passed. The good/bright ideas/intentions have disappeared. All I’m left is lethargy and annoyance with myself.

I have to be stern with my lagging, sagging self. Nip it in the bud or it could run rampant, like an infection. So here I am, showing up before I get feverish and succumb to another lazy day. Movement begats more movement and energy. I go back to things that work for me, working in small blocks. If I get stuck, I stop and do something else. I’m learning not to sabotage myself. It’s been a long journey of many slow steps. But I am seeing more clearly as I am walking this, my very own Camino Road of enlightenment. No need to go to Spain. I have Sheba to keep me company here on the road.

Now it is 3:30 in the afternoon. I’m pecking/tapping away at my day. An index card painted for 365 Somethings 2018, a photo for April Love , Sheba’s afternoon walk done – these are the sign posts that guide me. They add order and rhythm to my day. In between these projects, the bedding plants are placed onto the deck, getting some natural light, readying for permanent residence out of doors. The deck chairs are rid of their dust and grime. Corners of the deck cleared of last year’s dirt. Screens wiped. Not all finished but a good start. That’s all that is needed. A start and the rest will follow. Repeat this every day.

Day 6 in a year of…

Day 6, July 28, 2016 @3:43.

Summer afternoons are delicious for drinking beer and taking naps. I’ve had my little nap but I better wait till I’ve tapped out some words before I crack a can. Otherwise, I might fall over my keyboard. Asian women cannot hold their liquor. At least not this one. It isn’t fair. So many things in life aren’t. But at least, I’m getting better at doing selfies. Oh, no, not another! You say. Sorry but yes, another. It’s never too much to say, I love you to myself. I’ve waited all these years to start. I’m not stopping now – or ever. I will stop the selfie one day when I really feel love and acceptance residing in my core.

These days of getting up, making up and showing up have given me structure. When I am not feeling my best, I’m looking my best. I take note, sit/stand a little taller. I don’t feel as if I had fallen off a vegetable truck – even if I feel it. When I look in the mirror, I’m surprised and delighted. I can push on to another day in the year of choosing something different.

I’m glad I took up this project. There’s really no right or wrong time to do anything. When an idea captures your imagination, you have to act on it. Otherwise, nothing will happen. Nothing. There is so much dead air in that word. Nothing. Say it again. It has the sound of a heavy metal door closing. Nobody has the key. You are trapped in that nothingness.

That is not where I want to be. I want to move ahead. I’ve crossed off two items on my list today. Working on another and maybe another. I will add to it each day, too. There’s movement. There’s trying and doing. There’s life.

Now I will crack open that beer and grab a plate of snacks. Want to tour my front yard and see what is new? My petunias are still in full bloom. I have planted a honey suckle and clematis by the water tank. I hope they will thrive and grow and climb up its sides to add aesthetics to it. In the raised beds, the hot chilli peppers are numerous, carrots in various stage of growth, green and bulb onions, Romaine lettuce, kale, and cucumber. Not a bad yield at all. How is your garden doing

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

CONTEMPLATION

Sheba and I are spending time alone today. She is cuddled up with her toys and I am sitting before my keyboard, tapping out my thoughts and feelings.

It has been a good day. I am not only reading self-help books, but I am actually putting my gained knowledge into use….finally. Imagine that! I have spent a lifetime gathering information on mood disorders and how to be happy. But knowledge without action equals zilch. If we keep doing the same things over and over, we keep getting the same results. Who said that…Oprah, Dr. Phil or some other luminary? You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that, but sometimes a hammer on the head is necessary.

After reading Sitting Kills, Moving Heals by Joan Vernikos, I decided I better MOVE today. And so I did. Sheba and I went for an early morning walk after breakfast. The morning sunshine and kids going to school was energizing. I did my qigong routine after we got home. I breathed and moved, clearing my stagnant chi.

Having limbered and stretched, I got on my bike before I could procrastinate away the opportunity. I am learning to prioritize…get the important things done first. I rode to the park at the school, pedaling along the meandering paths, practicing gear shifts. I made it up the hill once. On my second time around, I couldn’t find the right gear and couldn’t make it up. I had to stop and turn the bike around. It was still a valiant effort.

I kept my natural restlessness in check by moving – doing my neglected daily living activities. I ironed my uniforms and damp mopped the floors in a steady leisurely pace. I tried to keep my attention focused on what I was doing. I was practicing the yoga of housekeeping. I felt a certain pleasure in doing my chores. Weird!

It sure sounds like I did a lot today. I did, compared to my usual slothful ways. Sheba and I even went to the park after lunch and then stopped at the library on the way home. The secret for me is tiny steps and small varied chores….a little of this and a little of that. They add up big.

I’m not saying it was easy, but I’m not saying it was hard either. Throughout the day, I felt moments of blueness, anxiety, fatigue. I took a break in those moments for a cup of tea, a handful of walnuts, an avocado. I laid on the floor and did some stretching and meditation. I’m not at all flexible. My mind wanders. So what?

PRACTICE MAKES BETTER.

And my mood waxes and wanes…the blueness and anxiety. They are fleeting, but I resist the need for conversation, company and comfort. Sometimes you need to spend time with yourself…to wrestle with your demons or to talk with the angels. You cannot share everything. You have to save something for yourself.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

movement