Tag Archives: habits

WILL, RESOLVE, DETERMINATION

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I feel like I’ve been munching through the month of January. And I have. It’s not a serious problem yet. I can still get into my clothes and the month is almost over. This January has been HARD. I hear other testimonies to that fact. It is not just me. I’m fortunate that at least I’ve been physically well. I do take care that I am. Despite however and whatever my mood may be, I’m out walking Sheba every day. Thank God for our fur babies. I’m not at all sure that I would walk on my own even in nice weather.

It’s a true wintry windy January today. The snow cling along the edges of the windows in the sunroom.  It’s nice weather to wear those warm hand knit sweaters. Good to curl up with a book. I’ve curled too long. It’s hard to let go of a murder detective story. I’m bad again, skipping ahead. I have no patience. I can’t seem to help myself but it was just a few pages. I didn’t skip to the end. But my head is messed up. My tapping is not rhythmic. I feel another snack urge coming up. I better make a cup of decaf.

I’m back with my coffee, toast and jam. I’m lacking in resolve and determination. Once an idea/urge comes, I can’t resist. My coffee is black and just a smear of butter and jam on my toast. I do things sparingly. It’s my natural tendency. Maybe it’s to compensate my lack of will. Will, resolve, determination – those words are so harsh for January. That’s why New Year Resolutions mostly fail. They should be allocated to a month that is more gentle and conducive to success.

 

I’m not completely spineless though I felt so this morning. It was so wind swept ( 50mph with gust 61mph) and dull. I gave into my feelings of lassitude. I experienced and luxuriated in all the sensations that came with it. There, I got it out of the way! Funny how my feelings can deceive me. Though I was moving at the speed of a wet noodle, I did not fall behind. I put in a new zipper in the guy’s jacket, saving him $40 if done professionally. And I used my new Bernina. First I had to google how to sew a zipper on a Bermina. Then I consulted my manual. I had forgotten how to turn it on. I am pretty damn pleased with the result. And I had lunch ready on the table at the regular time. Pretty amazing to me!

I have to say along with my virtual spiritual counsellor, Caroline Myss, that this is the happiness time of my life. That’s big considering I haven’t felt such a difficult January as this one. I’ve felt more bad and moody this last month than previously. The difference this time is that I have access to a pause button. In that pause I choose my reaction. Some pauses are longer than others. Sometimes I have to chew on things for awhile.

I am thriving in my now. I have the ability to choose. I love Wayne Dyer’s quote: If you change the way you look at things, the things you look change. It took me a long time to experience that change. The change has loosen me up to be more creative and objective. I am not as judgemental. I am excitingly experimenting with creative mediums – paints, words, fabrics, yarn, cooking, silence, habits. Good habits are great substitutes for will, resolve and determination. The worn path developed is not such a struggle to travel in the month of January.

 

HEAVEN, I’M IN HEAVEN

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I’ve felt the heavens shift today. I think I’m going to be ok. I’ve painted my blues away. When the going gets tough, I fake it and keep going. What else can I do? Pout, stay in bed, cry, give up? I did none of those. I kept my daily schedule. I ate lots of chocolate chip cookies and some ice cream. I said no to exercise classes and swimming. I didn’t shower yesterday. I haven’t yet today. I don’t smell, not sweating much. It’s winter. I read. I painted and painted on my little index cards with watercolours. I’m working ahead on my 365 Somethings 2018 project. That’s what I do with my excessive energy. Now I’m feeling almost like an artist. I am an artist!

Suprisingly, I don’t feel any fatter. Not any slimmer either. I guess I have Sheba to thank. She still dragged me out for walks, like it or not. When I look around the house, it is not any messier than its usual state. Astounding! I must be doing something right, sticking to my good habits. They have stuck with me through thick and thin. I’m ecstatic. I’m in heaven. I could dance without music.

LIKE PEELING AN ONION

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Not so much after-lunch cleanup to do today. Leftovers are always great for that.  Besides being less prep and cleanup, I find them more flavourful. As you can guess, I am not a fussy eater. I don’t have fanciful discerning tastes. Maybe I should develop some and stop my many ‘good enoughs’. It probably won’t ever happen. I can’t fuss.

I’m just not that kind of a person. I could never make anybody jump through hoops for me. Nor can I make a salesperson, waitress/waiter ‘work for their money’. It’s a demeaning behaviour. It embarrasses me to see someone do that and enjoy it. I was an audience to such a display. I didn’t want to watch but I couldn’t help but see my friend’s smile. The waiter had to tell and describe to us all the desserts offered. We could have very well gone to look at the dessert case. It wasn’t like we had to walk a mile. But then that is just me. It’s no big deal and it was his job. Sometimes no big deal bothers me a lot. I should get over them.

It is 3 pm. Sheba has been fussing but I’ve quieted her. She is still quiet. I will wait till she barks again before giving her food. It is not like she is starving. We can both learn to sit and stay together. Do you know how difficult it is to stay in the moment? I always want to get to the next moment. My mind is already there. That’s what winners do, right? Always a step ahead. Or that’s what we’re led to believe.

I’m always thinking ahead of what I should be doing, where to go, what to striving for. It makes it difficult to be HERE. It is as if I, by myself in this moment, am not enough. I’m trying to change that. It takes patience and time. It is really difficult if you don’t know what the problem is. I’m beginning to understand just the tip of it. It’s like peeling an onion, a layer at a time. Oh, sometimes I do cry with the layer. Change is painful.

Sheba has been rewarded with her supper. She waited till I had poured it into her bowl. She did not rush at it like her usual self. You can teach old dogs new tricks. I am not so sure about myself. I am not consistent with her or myself. Therefore, our bad habits prevail. What I must do with her supper is 1) She has to wait till 3 pm at least. 2) She must sit and wait till I’ve poured the food in her bowl. Do I have the fortitude?

Her barking can make me cave in. It does make me cave in most times. She knows it. But today she has demonstrated that she is capable of doing a down/staying if only for a few minutes at a time. I had demonstrated I had patience to repeat the procedure a few times till Sheba herself stayed down longer each time.

We both can do it. We just have to stick to it. One layer of the onion peeled.

 

COME NOVEMBER

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November is not a good month to make changes, adopt new habits or to set the world on fire. It’s cold. It’s dark. My hibernation response is already triggered. I dream of eating and sleeping. I dream of snuggling up next to a fire with a hot chocolate.

Still, I am planning to do some changes, some renovations to the body and soul. But aren’t I always? This time around I plan to put my plans into action. I have already done a couple. I’ve upgraded my iCloud storage to 50G. Only cost $1.20/month. I hope I won’t have to keep deleting photos to make more space for awhile. Then I got brave and is installing the latest macOS – High Sierra on my iMac. I hope it will improve like they say and not create havoc.

I can’t say for sure if these 2 items will improve my life. They just might add to my wasting time habit, the thing I’m trying to eliminate. Life is full of ironies. I need to be on my toes. Focus. Be in the present moment. That is what I must do. The High Sierra is installed. It’s messing around with Photos. I hope I will like it. The Apple people are so smart. They have ways of making money every which way. In order to store all my photos in iCloud I will have to do another upgrade. I won’t bite on their hook.

Well, now I’ve identified some my biggest problem – lack of focus and addiction to gadgets. My mind is splintered in many directions. I have trouble listening to people, especially when they are giving directions. I feel as my ears are weak, sagging. Then they shut down. Or is it my mind? And how does one strengthen either? I wonder if YouTube would have an answer. That would mean messing around some more on the Internet. More wasting time. Egad!

I will chew and digest this for awhile. I can handle only small bites at one sitting. I will be back tomorrow- I hope.

WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW

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Bear with me. What I really want you to know is I hang on to stuff, afraid to let them go. What I’m afraid of is that if I let go of anything, life as I know it will be lost. Sometimes I’m afraid to breathe. What if I breathe wrong? Everything would go amok. So I hold it until I have to let go.

Last night after getting out of my bath, I was brushing my teeth, doing this and that. I saw on my vanity glasses filled with this and that. I saw one filled with various sizes of makeup brushes. Brushes years and years old. But they were still in good shape because I hardly used them. I thought: why do I still have them? Of what use are they? They are just collecting dust.

It took some moments before I could trash them. I could/might start using them again. What a waste throwing them out! Such thoughts passed through my head. Then sense prevailed. I haven’t used them for at least 15 years. Why would I now? Into the garbage they went,  all 4 of them.

It was not painless. I felt uncomfortable, a sense of loss. As if a few makeup brushes could make or change life as I know it.  I think that’s why we hang onto things/thoughts/habits. We are afraid that we/life will be less without them. We are not emptying/ridding what is passé to let in new life.

I will sit here for awhile with the discomfort. I am okay. It will pass. I will go on.

 

THESE LITTLE STARS OF MINE

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It’s one thing to talk about getting real but another to do it. I was readily led off into cyberspace first thing this morning. I was off again chasing others’ lives rather than my own. But it’s out of the way now (I hope). I’ll work on getting back into my own now.

The morning is as gloomy as can be. I’ll try to rise above my inertia and shine this little light of mine. I can’t sit and count others to do it for me. It has never happened. Why would it now? I better sit up and polish up my stars so they can twinkle and light up my world. I’ve folded up some laundry and a load is in the washer. Some ripe tomatoes are sorted, washed, bagged and in the freezer. The heavy traffic floors are vacuumed. I’m sipping my second cup of tea here, tapping out my thoughts and progress.

What I know for sure is it is difficult to be in the here and now. Seems like my natural inclination to drift anywhere but here. It feels uncomfortable to deal with whatever it is in front of me. I can’t quite understand it but that’s the thing. I don’t know about you, but I push it (whatever it is) aside, behind me – in avoidance. Not that it helps. I still have that uncomfortable, nagging, dreading feeling all the while.

I’m beginning to think all these feelings of avoidance and dread come from the habit of avoidance. It’s a well worn groove now and I need some muscle power to boost myself out. I’ve been spinning and spinning, tap and tapping about it all this time. I fall back in time after time. I need to tell a new story. I need new and better habits. I just have to start with one – now.

 

 

LIKE A TRAINED SEAL

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There are more days than not that I don’t feel like doing anything. Days where I feel I need a shovel to pry me off the couch. I’ve gone through a bout of insomnia. Now I feel like I have sleeping sickness. I’m sleepy as soon as I get out of bed. Life is difficult as M. Scott Peck says in The Road Less Travelled. He wasn’t kidding.

The reason I don’t stay down is it is more exhausting resting than not. So I pushed myself up and out. By now I have trained myself well to get up, dress up and show up even somnolent. I am like a trained seal, performing in life’s circus. Don’t worry if I do sound dark and sardonic. This is my tapping voice. I’m speaking mostly to myself, sorting out feelings and problem solving. I’m feeling the hibernation response – nature’s call to slow down. I should have been a bear.

But I am not. I must rise to the call of being human as best as I can. I am probably not as slow and despondent as I feel. My chili peppers are dehydrating on the deck, the tomatoes are saucing on the stove and the pork roast is in the oven. I will finish my tea, Dyson the floor. Then Sheba and I will head out for our walk and some sunshine. The fresh air will perk us up. Another day.

OH, HAPPY DAY HABITS

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Oh happy day! I slept last night, not as well as I wished but I was not tossing and turning. The sun is shining. The neighbour’s sunflowers are smiling over the fence. It’s 9 am. The day is before me to do as I please. There is nothing hanging over my head. No deadlines. No must do’s. Nothing. But that does not mean that I should just lull the day away. There are certain habits and routines to follow for a healthy life.

I have gotten up, dressed up and showed up, setting my intentions and goals for the day. I am one who does well with rather than without a program. I like to feel and hear the tap, tap of my keyboard. I like to see the letters and words march across my screen. It makes it real for me, this sitting here, talking to myself and you if you are listening. It’s a great compliment to me if you are.

What’s my plan for the day? First, my qigong routine to loosen and limber up. My shoulders are feeling it from my swim yesterday. Then onward to give the house a quick sweep of Sheba’s hair, harvest the grapes and clean them to make fruit rolls. Those are the important items for today. I’ve been doing my little art projects for awhile now. It’s a habit. I can fit them in easily. They are my dessert of the day.

I LIKE IT, I LOVE IT, I WANT SOME MORE OF IT

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There’s smoke in the air again. More forests burning. Is it here in Saskatchewan or is the smoke from British Coloumbia? I check and there are currently 34 active fires in our province. I bet the smoke is our own. Seems like the world is burning up, drowning or we are slaughtering each other as is what is happening in Myanmar. It is out of our hands when it is nature’s work like hurrican Harvey and Irma. All we can do is prepare the best we can. But killing is a wilful act as is the tossing of a firecracker into the Colombia River Gorge, setting off more fires in an already fire danger zone.

It is difficult not to feel despair in these times. It’s hard to understand ourselves – why we do the things we do. So I shall not batter my head on figuring out and understanding. I’m trying to accept what is and still try to do my best. I am still keen on seeking excellence in living. It gives me purpose, a goal to pursue.

I admit that I have had a few days when I was a bit blue and quite crossed. I was not at all right with the world – even this morning. But I went through the motions of how I should live. I got up, dressed up and showed up. I didn’t have a lot of fun in my aerobics class. But I did all the movements anyways. I still sweated. All through the class, I thought to myself, “I’ll have fun later.” Because by the end of class my endorphins would have kicked in. I would be singing along with Tim McGraw: I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.  I really do love the song. It’s got a good honky tonk rhythm. I got more serious with my steps.

That’s the thing. You have to develope some good habits and slogans to get you through the rough times. I remembered what a Japanese friend said when she couldn’t understand a joke because of the peculiarity of our English language. She said, I’ll laugh later. It works for me in I’ll have fun later.

HEAVINESS, SPACE, TIME – Day 363 in the year of…

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Day 363 – July 26, 2017 @4:21 pm

Some days the heaviness weighs me down. My head is full of this and that, information, things to do, guilt, other people’s stuff, my stuff. It’s difficult to stand tall and free. I was feeling all of it this morning. What to do? It’s hard to let go of getting right to the ‘doing’. The habit is set. When did it happen? How did it happen?

With the recognition of the moment, I tried to set aside my book, my phone, my everything. It was difficult and uncomfortable to sit with just my tea and toast. But my head was heavy and weary. I tried for nothing for little moments in time. Then my toast and tea were done. I still had 3/4 hour before heading out for my exercise class. I picked up my phone. I put down my phone. I don’t need to cram my brain with more information. I got up.

My next ‘challenge’ after finishing ‘my year of’ is creating order in my home. It is really about creating order in me. No time like the present to start. I headed towards the bedroom. I dusted the dressers, bedframe, light fixture, above the doors. It did not take long. I still had time. I got the mop and damp dusted the floor. Sheba is in shedding season. The hair! The dusting and mopping were very soothing and relaxing.

I had plenty of time to get to the gym. My head felt much lighter and I had one clean and orderly room. What I learned from the experience is that I have to take time for creating space – whether it is in my head or in a room. The time is always there but I have to take it. I’ve been taking time to exercise. It’s become a good habit. I have to apply it to other areas. It’s good to take time to clear, to empty the trash in our heads as well as in our house.