LIFE, DEATH AND TRASH

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I was surprised that I did sleep well last night. But my worms are alive and wiggling again this morning. Our province and I’m sure other parts of the country are awashed with grief. 15 people were killed over the weekend when the Humboldt Broncos junior hockey team bus collided with a transport truck. There are no words to describe but I’ll try to tap dance my way out. It serves no purpose to be caught in darkness and hopelessness. I might as well get on with shedding my mental and physical trash.

I have never found an easy journey, not any that’s worth travelling. First of all, you have to know your destination, where you want to arrive or achieve. Then you have to know the directions and how to’s. You would need a vehicle or tools. Do you have enough fuel or the desire. These are the considerations before you start out. I have failed in the past because lack of planning and thinking out the steps. Now that I know better, how am I doing?

I like to think I’m doing better. I know I am doing very well. I have a destination. I have tools. I have focus. I have read 70% of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. It contains very good information of how and why we became who we are. Understanding is the key to any procedure/change. It is the aha/lightbulb moment. It is tricky though. Now I see. Then I don’t see. I’ve had to give things a rest until I see again. It is difficult but I am persistent in emptying my mental trash along with my physical and computer trash.

It is almost noon. Time to think about and prepare lunch. My Roomba is going up and down the hall, having vacuumed the bedroom and the bathroom. Cleanliness is next to holiness in my humble opinion. No more trash is my new motto.

 

LAYING GHOSTS TO REST

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It is the latest I’ve come to this space yet. I had considered not showing up at all but things  are niggling in the recesses of my mind. I don’t want them there at this hour to linger and cause wakefulness through the night. I want to chase them out onto the page. I can’t really identify their identities. Maybe the exercise of tapping on the keys will chase them out. I have a sense they are the ghosts that used to haunt me in my dreams. They are not welcomed back.

I have been learning so much valuable insight from Caroline Myss’ videos on her workshop on Understanding Your Own Power. I see how I have been losing my own personal power. It’s such a simple thing when you see. It’s a whole bunch of lightbulbs lighting up. Bing! Bing! Bing! I can’t really articulate it. I’ve been into the wine again. One glass will do it. Besides, I do not want to articulate it. It’s for me to understand. It is for everyone else to understand it for themselves. But here’s 4 questions that she posed to work on to help you.

  1. Name 3 ways you are influenced by the outside world but which you don’t want it to.
  2. Name 3 people who have too much influence over you and you don’t want them to.
  3. Name 3 people you influence too much.
  4. Name the beliefs that you have and nurture even if you know that they are not true.

I will ponder and work on these questions tomorrow. My ghosts are laid to rest. No worms or other things niggling in my head. I can sleep tonight.

DROPOUTS and FANTASIES

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Today I felt like a dropout. I wanted to drop out of aerobics. I want to drop out of doing everything, even walking Sheba.  I didn’t though. What else would I do? I sucked it up, packed my gym bag and headed out the door. I have had this feeling on many occasions. There have been more than once that I’ve thought it would be nice if everything was taken care of for me. But who would want that job? It’s a nice fantasy but I really don’t think I would like to be so helpless.

I  toughed it out, putting my mind to do my best. I was moving my body. I was sweating. I was burning calories, making serotonin. I was getting a workout. It doesn’t have to be fun to be beneficial. Today, it wasn’t fun though Tabata is my favourite workout. Somedays are like that you know. Somedays everything feels like work. So I worked it! Taking Sheba out was groaning time again. Easter’s come and gone but it’s still damn cold and unpleasant.

Supper’s come and gone. I’m sitting here sipping my wine, trying to tap out an ending. I’m feeling a little more mellow. I’ve transplanted a few more broccoli seedlings, painted another index card and cut my hair. I got a load in the washer waiting for me to push on. Maybe I should try coming here in the morning for a change. My outlook is more positive. I wouldn’t be tapping my mood all over the page. I might have more ideas to share.

The thing is I like to sit with my tea  in the quiet of the morning. I like to enjoy the sweet nothings of that time before the day starts. After it does, everything rushes in to fill every space and corner. So for now, I shall keep it for myself.

 

 

STICKING MY HEAD IN THE TOILET

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It’s 10:30 in the morning. Already my mind is frazzled, splintered into little pieces here and there. My thoughts are darting everywhere, trying to synchronize my day, my life. Many what ifs are popping into my awareness. I recogize that I’m catastrophizing. I’m tapping to put a stop to the flow.concentrating.on.one.word.at.a.time. I’m not giving it space to grow.

The sun is casting its cool weak beams over the dreariness of our landscape. A scatter of fine snow made a brief appearance. It is a late spring. I’m slowly tending to my seedlings. The rest of the kohlrabi are transplanted. I’m starting on the broccoli. The tomatoes, peppers, cukes, squash and the petunias are growing like weeds. They don’t make too much demands – just a little water and maybe a touch of 20-20-20 fertilizer now and then. As to what kind of spring and summer we will have, it is out of my control. I will adjust as best as I can. There is no point in hoping. Hoping without doing is useless.

My mind is less chaotic, slowing down with each tap and a sip of tea in between. I breathe, sip, and tap. I will stop my flow of thoughts now and listen to a bit of Caroline Myss. I’ll let her whip me into shape. She’ll tell me to stop and put my head in the toilet for 7 minutes. That’ll cool it off.

Hooray, I’m back, calmer and cooler! I’ve had lunch, too. That helps alot, especially since it’s leftover turkey. Turkey is supposed to contains lots of tryptophan which in turn boosts your serotonin level to make you happy. I hear that it’s a myth, but I still like to believe it. I have my present mood as a proof. Doing things one at a time also slows my frenetic brain. I’m learning to respect my body and mind. I can’t take on many tasks, issues, activities, people. The list goes on and on. I’m made to live a small life, a life on an index card,  in a one-inch frame, a life in the present moment. I am happy with that. It fills my plate.

STOP! LET ME THINK

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I am not making any better time today but at least I am not making more clutter. I dealt swiftly with the incoming mail. I just have to repeat it every day. So many things are calling my name. Some things will have to wait. I will make a list of things to tend to for tomorrow. I will use my small index cards. Got the idea from Kinsey Millhone, the private detective character from Sue Grafton’s alphabet series. She jots important notes on index cards and files them after. Mine can go into the recycling bin after.

My flow of words seemed to have dried up! Maybe I need my glass of wine now. Goes to show how exciting my life is. I started back with my aerobic classes after a few absent sessions due to physical ailments and the Easter weekend. It feels like it’s been a long while. I’m feeling out of shape already and my enthusiasm waning. There is danger of dropping out hanging in air. This spring has been hard. I said that about winter, too, didn’t I?

I’ve been using the word too much lately. I can hear my mother admonishing me in my head. She’s a great storyteller. She used to talk to me about our family and ancestors. She admires my grandfather’s brother and recounts numerous things that he has told her. One of which is never think of anything as being hard. Make a start and things will follow to resolution. In a difficult situation he would say, Stop! Let me think. They’re very good stategies. A pause is often fruitful whereas rash reactions could lead to more problems.

I’m working on my glass of wine now. Feeling mellow. Enjoying the pause. Tomorrow is another day.

ENOUGH CRAP SAID

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When I show up late, it is difficult to find those first words. I flounder around, trying this and that. My mind is full of cobwebs. This afternoon I finally made a start clearing this very desk I’m sitting on. It was full of paper crap and dust. I was on hold to Sasktel and looking at it all. How long am I going to take before I attend to it? I started wiping a bit here and there. Got one area dusted before the Sasktel person got back to me. Another billing hitch worked out again.

It all goes to remind me how much of our lives are caught up in paper, whether it’s on hard copy or virtual. I have trouble dealing with either form. The truth is I don’t deal with it at all till absolutely necessary. It is THE reason why everything is so hard. I really want somebody else to take care of – EVERYTHING for me. Of course, that never happens nor is it possible. Everyone is responsible for their own shit and should take care of it themselves. Of course, we know that is not always the case. I decided I might as well get my head out of the sand and deal with the truth.

The truth is my shit includes some of others’. Acknowledging and accepting that will lift the emotional part of the burden. I have to look at it in an impersonal and impassionate way. I see it. That’s half the battle. Life is short and shorter when you’re in the retirement age bracket. I do not want to tap forever about my dust, paper crap and other angst. My plan for this month is to clear all the crap. It needs a deadline.

I’m not thinking too clearly now that I’ve had my glass of wine. But here’s the plan. Whatever I come across that doesn’t have a use and can’t be recycled will be tossed into the garbage. I have already tossed numerous post-it-note, memo and other pads into the recycle bin. How many pads or scrap paper do I need? How many lists do I make – none. There are several heavy outdated textbooks in the bin also. School is over. So is work. I’ve shredded a bundle of old bills and receipts. I have to let go of hanging onto every scrap of paper as security or proof of my worth. I have to hang on to my life instead.

Enough crap said. I’ve laid bare my soul. Tormorrow is another day.

 

MOVES AND GROOVES

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Why are the things we need to do the most prove to be the most difficult? Is it mental or physical? Most likely it’s a combination of both. Nothing is clear cut however much we long for simplicity. My body was clearly crying out for relief this morning. My neck and other body parts were stiff and sore from sleeping crooked. My mind must have been, too. It wasn’t commanding enough to make the body get down on the floor for my stretching routine.

Instead, I did the qigong routine from the DVD QIQONG for beginners by Francesco Garripoli and Daisy Lee. I have done it often enough that I know the 18 exercises without the dvd. It’s a good standby when mind and body are tired and out of sync. The moves are stronger than their gentleness imply. Their glue is long lasting. After all this time, I still have the moves. I will let them ease the aches and pains. Let them coax me into some productivity today. When I can’t get down, I do standing up. There’s always an alternative. When you can’t do more, do a little less. Less is always more than none.

I haven’t been looking forward to walks with Sheba these days. We went anyways. It was sunny but chilly. The streets and alleys are still a nightmare. They’re icy and slippery with puddles of water in between. In the back alleys, it is like walking on glass shards in places. I was happy to have my walking stick with me. I’m delighted to be back sipping my cuppa tea and eating one of my sister’s Easter buns. I feel like another but I must restrain myself. Let the first one digest and fill my tummy. I have to learn how to make them myself now that I’ve mastered breadmaking. Expand my horizon, why don’t I?

I must finish my tea, fold some laundry and put them away. I’m catching on to the fad of dealing with things and not letting them pile up. It’s working quite well. After Easter supper with the family last night, we cleaned and put everything away. The table cloths got whipped off and laundered with the dishcloths. The table leaves taken out and put away along with the extra chairs. It’s best not to think too much and just do.

I’m tickled that I got enough muster to start my tapping. It’s the second day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It was too much of a challenge yesterday to write. I was caught up in cooking the Easter turkey according to Chef John. I thought I should concentrate on making it a success seeing as 7 other people were coming for supper. I must confess that it turned out quite well. It helped that it was a Butterball turkey. Did you know that a Butterball turkey does not contain butter inside? It’s just a brand name. Perhaps it’s best not to google for too much information. Somewhere in my google, I came across info maybe their turkey is not ethically raised. So I must stop here and go fold the laundry.

 

 

 

TUMBLING DOWN ALL MY PILE UPS

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It was a struggle, but the lunch dishes are done. The stovetop is wiped off. There’s nothing that aggravates my unease more than dirty dishes and greasy stovetop. Today is not what I call a great day though I am trying in my usual way. I’m not quite as efficient or productive. I’m feeling the malaise caused by the flare up of my Lichen planus. I’m chilling but maybe it’s too much. I need to move just a little more.

I cuddled up too long this morning with Sue Grafton’s D is for Deadbeat. But I did tear myself away and worked at organizing a work station for tranplanting my seedlings. It’s easier if I have everything close at hand. Then I don’t have to trip over things and rummage around to find all the necessary stuff. I’m trying to understand why I couldn’t take the time to do this before. I’m concentrating hard on untangling all my mess. Maybe in the process I will find the answers. It would be good if I didn’t have to struggle so much with everything.

It’s come to me as I’m tapping here that my struggles could be a result of avoiding and dreading unpleasant things. Avoidance tend to cause alot of pile ups. It’s never a solution for anything but I did it.  Maybe avoidance eroded my immune system and caused the lichen planus. I’m swearing off it now. I’ve been sweating facing up to everything but I’m standing up to it all – one issue at a time. Now I have to face up to taking Sheba out for her walk. I don’t feel like it, but I’ll do it anyways.

It’s sunny out but it’s dang unpleasant. It’s cold with a nasty biting wind. We’re glad the walk is over and we’re home, warm and snug. I’m brewing some dandelion tea. I hope it will give me a pick up. Meanwhile I’m thinking of starting a mood blanket. I got the idea from Instagram. There was a bunch of creative people knitting and crocheting temperature blankets. Curious, I asked. The blankets are made of colours according to the temperature of each day. Each colour represents a range of temperature. I thought it would be interesting to assign moods to colours. A Granny square a day would not be too much. It would keep my mind on creating instead of my discomfort. What colour would you give to tire?

 

A DROP IN THE BUCKET

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It’s so easy to sink into the doldrums once it gets its hook into me. I can still feel the residue of yesterday’s surliness. I’m in a bad mood already. I don’t want to stay there. I remember Henry Miller’s 11 Commandments on writing, #5 specifically.

  1. Work on one thing at a time until finished.
  2. Start no more new books, add no more new material to ‘Black Spring.’
  3. Don’t be nervous. Work calmly, joyously, recklessly on whatever is in hand.
  4. Work according to Program and not according to mood. Stop at the appointed time!
  5. When you can’t create you can work.
  6. Cement a little every day, rather than add new fertilizers.
  7. Keep human! See people, go places, drink if you feel like it.
  8. Don’t be a draught-horse! Work with pleasure only.
  9. Discard the Program when youfeel like it—but go back to it next day.
  10.  Concentrate. Narrow down. Exclude.Forget the books you want to write.
  11. Think only of the book you are writing.

I can apply all the commandments to everyday living. Some days things don’t go easily or smoothly. These days I will have to work at it till the flow comes back. Now that my acute hip and back pain are gone, I’m not quite as eager to do the stretches. I do them anyways. Those little twinges remind me but I still have to push myself. I try to find pleasure in my efforts. Sheba comes to the rescue, licking my face and crowding close, trying to find room on my mat.

I can’t say that I feel a whole lot better having done the stretches. I’m looking at #4 – Work according to program and not to mood. I keep the stretching short and sweet. There’s less chance of my abandoning my efforts that way. I’m building on my successes on a small scale. I like this quote from Lisa Wimberger:

“You fill a bucket drop by drop. You clear your mind thought by thought. You heal yourself moment by moment. Today I make one drop, clear one thought, and get present to one moment. And then I do it again.”

There’s so much wisdom in that. Every drop (of effort/success) counts. They eventually fill the bucket. I know. It takes time and maybe a very long time. But what are you going to do in the meantime – nothing? In my meantime, I have painted my picture for 365Somethings 2018, stretched, transplanted some seedlings, taken Sheba to the dog park, picked up my prescription and flowers, vaccum, visited my parents, write this post. Sounds like I’ve done alot! I haven’t done the lunch dishes yet. It’s next.

S is for SURLY

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Spring is not always what it’s cracked up to be – full of sunshine, joy and green things pushing up from the ground. Today was tough, the temperature in the minus double digits. My back trouble nagged me through the night into the morning and well into the afternoon. I was feeling surly and well nigh miserable. I hate to complain but why shouldn’t I? Why can’t I ventilate and ease some of my miseries? That’s what ‘they’ tell you to do. Let it out. But when you do, ‘they’ label you a complainer. So I let off steam here. It’s coming out both ears.

Thank goodness for Sue Grafton’s alphabet series. A good thriller takes my mind off my various discomforts. I’ve read A is for Alibi in one day. It’s that good. Now I’m feeling at a loss but at least my back is better. It’s not spasming and making me scream out anymore. I feel less grumpy and hostile. But I’m not feeling nice. I still feel somewhat like hell. I have another Sue Grafton on hand – D is for Deadbeat. That describes me at the moment. I better save that for tomorrow in case I have a repeat of today. Besides, it is almost supper time.

You and I know that some days are better than others. Today is definitely not a better day. But it is what it is. I have to deal with it as best as I can and not to make it worse. Obviously my body is telling me to rest. I should accept it as a gift. I can lull around, mope, drink tea, read, get grumpy, eat chocolate…without feeling guilty. It is okay not to feel on top of the world. I don’t have to smile. I can scowl if I feel like it. So there! Take that any way you like. Tomorrow is another day.