MAKING BELIEVE AND FALLING APART

Tuesday

I think I need to try a little harder to keep my things and myself together. It’s all very well to say ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ and ‘It’s all small stuff.’ Even though that is true, all the small stuff add up and you end up with a BIG pile. I have a wee bit more energy today but it’s still a HUGE struggle for me. I am really feeling autumn’s shadow looming over me this year.

But not to despair. I am doing well though it doesn’t feel like it. I still get up, dress up and show up every day for my life if not here. Sometimes I like to take a breather, relax and not work so hard keeping myself together. It’s okay to fall apart. I can put back the parts together again. It doesn’t have to be put back the same way.

Both our vinyl patio chairs chose to break and collapse on the same day. I already have these 2 pieces of wicker but they weren’t being sat on. So why not bring them out? They look like they belong. Things falling apart in this case was a good thing. It made me look for alternatives in furnishings. Instead of going out to buy more of the same, I made use of things I already had.

So I’m struggling. So big fat deal. I will have to fake it till I make it. They tell me make believe is magic. I’ll pretend I have my very own fairy godmother who will look out for me. Who’s to say I don’t already have an angel sitting on my shoulder? I’ve come thus far on my journey. No big bad wolf have gotten me. I haven’t fallen down any deep dark hole that I couldn’t have climbed out of.

Monday

I took a sabbatical and almost lost my way back to this space. I’ve gotten rusty with my words. You will have to forgive my starts, stops and stutters. The good news is my ‘bad feelings’ have passed and I do have much more energy. I surprised myself at how I got things done yesterday. I filled all 6 of our raised vegetable beds with water. I watered the garden. The tomatoes and beans were drunk with happiness. I picked beans and raspberries. Then I cleaned and prep the beans, freezing 2 bags and fermenting 2 jars. Amazing! When I feel the flow, I move with it because it might not happen again for a long time.

I am content in this moment. That’s all I ask. I will take it moment by moment. I will try to keep my mind here. Often I make myself unhappy escaping into the past or jumping into the future. That’s making believe, too and that’s not the good kind. They are bad stories that can destroy my soul. I will stick to Tinker Bell and fairy dust.

 

BEING MY OWN INSPIRING PERSON AND HERO

Sunny Sunday morning. It’s a welcome sight. I don’t mind that it’s -7 Celsius. I’m always surprised every year how dark October can be. Seems like summer just drops off a cliff and the sunrise at 6 am with it. I’m left grappling for my clothes in the dark of the morning. Seeing the sun bright and shiny before 9 is a balm to my spirit. As always, Sheba is near my feet, crowding my space.

I’ve been on a reading jag, not a bad thing on cloudy October days. It keeps my mind from wandering and dwelling in dark places. I’ve just finished The Great Alone by Kristin Hannah. It’s about post Vietnam War, PTSD, survival in Alaska and a love story. I found it hard to put down. It made me cry. I didn’t get much else done. It was a very appropriate and maybe helpful read. It tweaked something in my brain about winter, darkness and how to survive.

It was wet and oh so dreary yesterday. It felt a bit like being in Alaska. It was not an inviting day to be out and about. Waking up in the night for bathroom duties, my brain was working on excuses why I shouldn’t go swimming in the morning. I wondered how I made it to work for all those morning shifts at 7:30. I remembered those ‘phone in sick’ messages playing in my head. Though rarely, I did succumbed some mornings. Now that I’m retired, I don’t have to fear those checkup and sometimes threatening phone calls.

Despite my moans and groans and loud bitching, I get up, dress up and show up most mornings. So upon rising yesterday, I packed my gym bag with my swimming paraphenalia. I was good to go after breakfast at 7:45. I love that time of morning once out the door. The city is still quiet. Light traffic even on my busy street. I was the first one at the pool. It was beautiful to see the four empty lanes. The water was blue and ever so still. No worries about being too slow and people grabbing my toes from behind. That’s the feeling that pushed me to keep my Saturday morning date. I am capable of inspiring myself and being Wonder Woman. We all can do that for ourselves.

To keep up the momentum, we went art gallery hopping after lunch. Our first stop was at Boheme Gallery and Denyse Klette Art Studio for her Gnomes in the Neighbourhood Book Launch. Her colourful and whimsical art is just what I need on a wet cloudy day. And by luck we came across the Artists’ Workshop Exhibition Reception at Hues Gallery. It opened my eyes further about our very own local talents and small galleries. And the events were free with refreshments. I sorely miss the Mendal Art Gallery on Spadina Crescent. It was perfectly located by the river with good parking. It was easily accessible with ample free parking. Admission was also free to all. It was replaced by Remai Modern. I guess I’m not a fan. It is much bigger in the heart of downtown amid other businesses and paid parking and paid admission. I’m happy to discover other alternatives.

 

MOVES AND GROOVES

Why are the things we need to do the most prove to be the most difficult? Is it mental or physical? Most likely it’s a combination of both. Nothing is clear cut however much we long for simplicity. My body was clearly crying out for relief this morning. My neck and other body parts were stiff and sore from sleeping crooked. My mind must have been, too. It wasn’t commanding enough to make the body get down on the floor for my stretching routine.

Instead, I did the qigong routine from the DVD QIQONG for beginners by Francesco Garripoli and Daisy Lee. I have done it often enough that I know the 18 exercises without the dvd. It’s a good standby when mind and body are tired and out of sync. The moves are stronger than their gentleness imply. Their glue is long lasting. After all this time, I still have the moves. I will let them ease the aches and pains. Let them coax me into some productivity today. When I can’t get down, I do standing up. There’s always an alternative. When you can’t do more, do a little less. Less is always more than none.

I haven’t been looking forward to walks with Sheba these days. We went anyways. It was sunny but chilly. The streets and alleys are still a nightmare. They’re icy and slippery with puddles of water in between. In the back alleys, it is like walking on glass shards in places. I was happy to have my walking stick with me. I’m delighted to be back sipping my cuppa tea and eating one of my sister’s Easter buns. I feel like another but I must restrain myself. Let the first one digest and fill my tummy. I have to learn how to make them myself now that I’ve mastered breadmaking. Expand my horizon, why don’t I?

I must finish my tea, fold some laundry and put them away. I’m catching on to the fad of dealing with things and not letting them pile up. It’s working quite well. After Easter supper with the family last night, we cleaned and put everything away. The table cloths got whipped off and laundered with the dishcloths. The table leaves taken out and put away along with the extra chairs. It’s best not to think too much and just do.

I’m tickled that I got enough muster to start my tapping. It’s the second day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It was too much of a challenge yesterday to write. I was caught up in cooking the Easter turkey according to Chef John. I thought I should concentrate on making it a success seeing as 7 other people were coming for supper. I must confess that it turned out quite well. It helped that it was a Butterball turkey. Did you know that a Butterball turkey does not contain butter inside? It’s just a brand name. Perhaps it’s best not to google for too much information. Somewhere in my google, I came across info maybe their turkey is not ethically raised. So I must stop here and go fold the laundry.