I WILL TARRY NO MORE

Posted on by
Reply

I love lunches that require no dishwashing. Who wouldn’t? I’m still in my lazy, relaxed mode but I’m moving as required. Stagnacy gathers dust and mold. Let me rest and tap here for a bit. Then I will descend the stairs and wash another window and another set of blinds. I said I will seed more kohlrabi and I will. After that, it’ll be time to walk the dog. I’ve discovered that things do not take as much time when I am “in the flow”.

I take care not to linger too long with any one thing, place or mood. In other words, balance in all things. There are so many truths in those proverbs and adages:

  • A change is as good as a rest
  • A good beginning makes a good ending
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
  • Actions speak louder than words

These are a few of my favourite. If I practice them every day, I could go far. Perhaps it would be a good idea to pick a few each day and work on them. It would create some fun and maybe a new way of thinking and problem solving. It would be a change.

The wind is howling outside. It makes me think of W.O. Mitchell’s Who Has Seen the Wind. It’s about a boy growing up in Saskatchewan during the Great Depression. I have seen the movie but not read the book. I have to add it to my reading list. After all, Mitchell is Saskatchewan’s own. The book sold almost a million copies and was made into a movie. What other incentive would I need?

An interesting blog I’ve recently stumbled onto is Julie Yip Williams‘ cancer fighting journey. She lost her fight in March, 2018. Her writing is beautiful and honest. What drew me was her cancer journey and that she is Chinese. Well, all of her life is interesting and inspiring. She was born in Vietnam and immigrated to the U.S. It is the same interest I have in Amy Tan. In both I found the common denominator of a Chinese in America and our relationship to our parents. Julie writies of Filial Love in 2 parts. The link for part 1 will lead to part 2, if you are interested.

Now, I have to tarry here no more. There are other things calling and I have to abide.

CONSTANT CRAVING

Posted on by
Reply

Strange times. I have to sit and chew on it for a bit. Sheba and I have just returned from our walk. It is WARM out there all of a sudden. Most of the snow are gone. I’m hot and sweaty, tapping a few words waiting for the water to boil for a cuppa of decaf. I’m cutting back on my tea consumption. Too much of a good thing was making my bladder crazy. I wonder why I have this addiction to Orange Pekoe tea. The more I drink, the more I crave it. Limiting myself to two cups a day seem to be helping – the bladder and the craving.

This feeling of craving is such a curious thing. The more I give in to it, the worse it gets. It’s a good thing that it’s only Orange Pekoe tea. Imagine the consequences if it is something else, like sugar. Maybe that was part of it, too. I like my tea sweetened with honey. So far, so good. I’ve kept to the 2-cup limit for a week now. No more craving. This principle probably applies to other things as well. It is wise to practice balance in all things. I will pay more attention from now on. I am sure I have the addict archetype in me.

It’s the next day, Saturday. My tap ran dry yesterday. I’m back to finish though today I’ve been taken over by sleepiness and idleness. I hope I can find a few interesting words and ideas. I could just do my usual mutterings. I am cured of the need ‘to do and accomplish’ for the time being. But it’s not good either to give in to languishing. I’m feeling as if I’ve grown roots into the loveseat. I’m still in my pjs though it is almost 3 pm. Soon I have to get dressed for a walk with Sheba. In the meantime let me enjoy my decaf and tap out a few more words.

It’s been a long while since I’ve felt this ease and peace within. Everything is working. I’m not fighting anyone or anything. I see all my ducks lined up in a row. How is it that life seems so easy in this moment? It could be that I took some care to clear, clean and organize my living surroundings. Cleanliness is next to holiness. It’s not that I can eat off the floors yet. But soon! And that what needs to be dealt with are, and not hidden beneath the piles. That never worked anyways. Things may be hidden from physical sight but they were just festering beneath the skin. So how could I have peace of mind when they were worming within?

Now that I have learned a few lessons, I hope I won’t slide back to my old ways of ‘later’. It’s much easier to JUST DO IT now. I’ll just sit back and breathe in this new feeling. It will help to keep me on track.

 

 

SILENCE BECOMES ME

Posted on by
1

I have another secret. I’m enjoying the process of clearing and cleaning. I’ve held onto my stuff for too long. Even the dust was getting stale and taking up space. In my eagerness and ecstasy, I dropped a glass candle holder I was dusting this morning. It shattered into many splinters on the floor. I went Oh No! in my head. But as I was sweeping up the pieces, I realized that it just sits on top of the china cabinet, not doing anything. Maybe I lit a candle once in its whole life. Now there is one less dust collector and more space for me to breathe.

I’m enjoying my space and the silence of the afternoon. Sheba is content on her cushion. I’m sipping tea, relaxing my face, breathing in the peace. I’m settling my mind, quieting the swirling dust within and exhaling them out. Talk and conversation are not useful sometimes. He said. She said. You said. I said. THEY said. Harmful and poisonous words. I let them all go with my exhale. It is difficult to live congruently – talk the walk, walk the talk. So sometimes it is best not to talk at all. I’m not good at multitasking. Let me just do the walk for now. And the rest will come. That’s what THEY say anyways.

 

AN UNLOADER’S REGRET

Posted on by
Reply

Sometimes I feel foolish being here, day after day. But it is the need of conversation and  a friend that I return. It is true that I am my own best friend. Who has walked in my shoes and see my exact point of view? I feel it is foolish to tell another, “I understand. I get it. I know where you are. Been there. Done that.” We each have our own unique experiences and way of seeing the world. We couldn’t possibly understand another’s. All I can do is accept another’s when they tell me. Believe and don’t try to change or contradict. That is my motto.

It is here that I get to talk without interruption or correction. No one will say, Who’s THEY?  No one will tell me I’m making assumptions. Before I go on and forget, I can tell you now who THEY are. They are our human tribe. I hope no one will demand who the THEY are from me any more. In my space, I can speak without judgement. No one will tell me that I say outloud what others would think only. It’s good I’ve unleashed my dark twin. I am getting a load off my mind.

Speaking of loads, it is quite difficult to rid them. Attachments have deep holds even though they serve no purpose. I felt so elated after doing my tax return this morning. It was a heavy load off my mind. In the process, I found that I’m not totally dizzy, ditzy and disorganized. I felt it was a good time to unload more of my outdated nursing texts and journals into the recycle bin. I gathered all the hard covered Nursing Skills manual. They were in excellent condition. I don’t think I’ve ever actually read one. Regret coursed through my body. I put them back on the shelf. Then I gathered them up again and ran outside. Into the bin they went. My logical self had asked: Of what purpose do they serve on the shelf for another 30 years?

My book shelves are getting thinned and dusted. I am sure I will experience more regret as I rid more of what is not needed anymore. It is not the books or objects that I am attached to. It is the memories they invoke. The regret over choices made, things not done, etc. There is only one path we can go down at any one time. Too bad we can’t straddle them all. Maybe hanging onto stuff is the straddle.  I’m afraid of letting go. It is really being stuck and unable to go forward.

The feelings of regret and pining over choices not made are human. They are short lived like the ones of a buyer’s regret. I remember I’ve said  “My God, what have I done!” over many purchases. All that evorporated with the enjoyment of the piano, house renovations, my Bernina sewing machine. I’m making real progress now, however slow it may be. An inch, a book, a square a day can add up to quite a bit in a year. I have alot of books but not 365 – I think.

 

 

SPEAKING FROM MY DARK SIDE

Posted on by
2

I’ll tell you a secret. Maybe you know it already. It is no secret after all, except to me. Life never lets up. There’s always something or other coming at you. I’m on to it now. I might not be all caught up with everything but I am keeping pace. I am not behind. I can’t say that I’m any happier knowing this secret. Life is easier knowing it. I think I understand a little better that universal laws that govern all of us. They are not personal. That is how they are.

That is not to say that I don’t take things personally sometimes. That’s how I am. That’s how we all are. That is the law of gravity and being human. Sometimes we fall/fail. What goes up must come down. Being in this frame of mind now, I have a different view of Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements. Possibly my shadow side has taken over my keyboard. But then it has always been my dominant self. I’ve been fighting it too much and too hard. Since this is my space, I should let it have a say once in awhile.

So what are the 4 agreements? They are four principles that Miguel Ruis came up with after a life changing experience. They are practices to help you to have a life of love and happiness.

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I am not a bad person but I really have a ton of trouble living up to these agreements. My ears perk up and I come to attention when I hear an inkling of gossip. I don’t thrive on malicious stuff but I do come alive with people news. Excuse me, but I do take many things personally, especially when they are directed at me. I do get wounded by unkind, thoughtless remarks and acts. I’m not into drama. I try not to assume but I know I do. I take things at face value. I’m judgemental. I’m disappointed when someone doesn’t practice what they preach.  I guess #4 saves me. I can at least say I’m doing the best I can.

My dark angel has spoken. She is not ashamed of the flawed self. I’m not either. I am not in search of love or happiness. I just need a reason to get up every morning. I am grateful that I have and that I am tenacious in getting up and showing up day after day. I am faulty but with purpose. Can you say the same?

I AM DONE

Posted on by
Reply

The wind is still blowing. It rattles things on the deck as if someone is out there. The howling tires me, draining my vitality. The dishes spread before me. It is habit that saves me and moves me on. Now they are clean and draining on the counter. I get to sit before my keyboard with my cup of tea. I am pondering my feelings and words. How do I describe them? How am I going to deal with them? The wind carries on. A crow caws. I sip my tea.

I discovered yesterday that laundry baskets are not easy to deal with. Even though I was intent in emptying it once and for all, it was still difficult to do.  After fiddling around with a few articles, I had to lay it aside again for another time.  No use wasting energy when the timing was wrong. Instead I turned to the wall unit and bookshelves in the basement. They are full of stuff and dust as well. Here was a starting point, an opening for a beginning. That’s what most is needed – a beginning.

It is evening. How the day sped by, though I felt slow as molasses in winter. Supper is done and so is my glass of wine. I am tapping the last words to this post. The wind hasn’t stopped its lament. It’s crying still. It was wicked walking Sheba in it but it is done. I am, too, but in a good way. I just had to put one foot in front of the other. Somehow things have a way of taking care of themselves.

 

 

SUNDAY, BEFORE THE RAINS COME

Posted on by
2

It is after lunch. Lethargy seeps into every part of me, body and mind. I want to vegetate forever and forever. If I was to allow it, the food, pots and dishes would sit there till mold grows. I wonder how I ever held down a job. The wonder of it was that I was in a high stress, 12-hour-shifts nursing profession for over 30 years. I thought I did well but looking back now, maybe not. I attended to the job but not to my life. My still-full laundry basket of laundered clothes still sits from 4 years ago when I was still working. Clearly, I haven’t missed those items. Maybe, too, I don’t want to dig into that basket of memories. BUT, I will tend to it today.

I have been missing in action here for a few days. I was tending to my body and soul. Sometimes I have to take a rest into the quiet, still my thoughts, silence my words and not let them march onto the page. Silence is golden. Some things I need to keep for myself. Otherwise, I will have nothing of my own. I will be emptied out.

It is hard to resume the conversation though. It is like the after lunch dishes. If left too long, things get stale and crusty. It would require more energy to get going. I had to get up and fetch a cuppa. My eyes were droopy. It would be so easy just to curl up and have a nap. But I’m stuttering on, letting my fingers find the rhythm and the letters. The clouds are gathering, the wind picking up. I hear a train whistle. I better not tarry. There’s Sheba to be walked – hopefully before the rains come.

MY CLAIM TO SUCCESS

Posted on by
6

This winter never will never end. It snowed again this morning. I see fine flakes floating around. I wonder if spring will come this year. The snow, the melt, the ice and water is wearing me down. They are all the things that I have no control. I better buckle up, give my buttercup self and pep talk and march on.

I’m marching one letter, then another across this page. I’m stringing them into words, sentences and thoughts. It gives me comfort to bend and tap my fingers on the keyboard. I am being proactive. I’m brainstorming and problem solving. I am not sitting inert in my gloom and misery. I am not stuck in myself. I’m sitting in my therapy chair, the therapist and patient, all in one. It’s very cost and otherwise effective. I don’t have very far to go and I’m not boring some stranger with my whining.

Since I have no one to impress but myself, I tend to stay with the facts. It cuts down the feeling sorry for myself blues. I have been paying attention to my conversations with other people. I find no satisfaction in reiterating past events and past wrongs. Rather, the opposite happens. It leaves me feeling worse. The best course of action for me is to leave it here on the page. I can censor, edit, add and delete here. In the physical world, once the cat is out of the bag, you can’t get it back in. Sometimes I would suffer the claw wounds if that was possible. It isn’t – POSSIBLE.

I’m just back from my afternoon walk with Sheba. Had thoughts of skipping today as it looked HARD with more wet snow. I had a talk with myself and buckled up my resolve. Don’t think. Put the leash on Sheba, shoes on me and GO. It worked and was easier than yesterday. Another difficult task done. I find so many things difficult. I am such a whiner. I whine but I do them. I almost said, let’s go out for lunch, too. The thought of bringing out and banging the pans around felt HARD. I was groaning inside. But once I started chopping the onions, the rest was history. The secret of any success is the START. It really isn’t such a secret but it feels good to claim the discovery of it.

 

LIKE A DREAM LOST

Posted on by
Reply

It’s upsetting how stress can upset my day and body, even though it wasn’t mine. And it wasn’t all that critical. What do you do when you share the household? You can’t help but listen and help with the problem solving. Well, everything is resolved after four days. Four days is enough for it to seep into my system and my dreams. Now, I’m left with the excess and residual frustrations. It’s very well for the guy now that he has received his supplies. He goes off to his workshop.

I’m left here to solve my own frustrations, how to best regain my composure to get on with my program and day. I do have one, an important one, however meager and nondescript it may sound. The goal of my program is how not to let problems be so frustrating that they disrupt and rob me of energy. Problems are to be solved. Frustrations cannot be avoided at times. It is best I learn the skill of ‘dissolving’ it. Let it flow out of me.

I can see now that after the frustration/anger or whatnot is resolved, their energy still hangs around. It is up to me to diffuse it. The rhythm of tapping is soothing for me. With each tap I feel myself feeling calmer and seeing clearly. My feelings are my own responsibility. I do have the choice of how I react/deal with any situation. I do not blame anyone for my own misery. I find it very interesting how the day can get away on me. Now I’m calling it back. I do have that ability.

The day did not get away on me completely. I recognized that my mind was disturbed and disrupted. I used that disturbed energy to do the dirty work – like putting in a load of laundry. The energy was there to be used somehow and lo and behold it was done and hung to dry without much effort. I proceeded to water my bedding plants. The butternut squash seemed to be outgrowing their pots. They were transplanted into bigger ones. All done without much awareness. It doesn’t matter. Things got done. I am now aware.

It is helpful to take stock, to physically tap out the letters, words and sentences. I feel as if my morning was a dream lost. I’ve recaptured it and more. Now on with the show. This is it.

LET’S TALK ABOUT IT

Posted on by
2

My morning self is a more positive side even in this sea of grief that we are presently in. At some point last night, I had to stop watching the vigil honouring the Humboldt Broncos.  Otherwise, it would be difficult to extricate myself from overwhelming sadness. As it is the thoughts of the accident and deaths are always there, just beneath the surface.

April can be such a hard month. The sky is grey. It is snowing. Spring is not ready to show itself. On this morning memories of other tragic accidents surface. Young lives were lost in those motor vehicle mishaps from high school days. We were given the information at the time. Someone died. But there was no counselling and talk sessions after. Perhaps it is better now  to have all this media coverage.  We need to hear all the stories as much as the people need to tell them. So good that there’s emotional and psychological support available to people so quickly. We have come a long ways in dealing with trauma.

I shall meander through this time as best as I can. It is not my sadness but we all share the same space, breathe the same air. We are all bonded in our humanity. Let me not shy away from what is here. It is not my sadness. It is not my story but I can sit and listen. I will shed some tears but I will be okay.