TIRED BY IT ALL

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I forget how taxing appointments are. I am pooped after spending the morning at the Vet College with Sheba. Her checkup was very thorough, first by the student. Then it was followed by the clinician. Both were very pleasant, informative, respectful and not pushy. She got a clean bill of health though she had a few worn teeth and stiff joints. We said no to bloodwork and a dental consult. I’m sure at almost 12, she would have a few iffy findings. The trouble would be what would I do about them? Best to leave good enough alone until there is trouble.

We had met the student before when Sheba had a nutrition consult at the insistence of a different clinician. The student had fallen in love with Sheba at that meeting. She asked to have Sheba today. So the lucky dog got lots of TLC today.  The clinician from 2 years ago was quite hyper and pushy. She felt Sheba was grossly overweight and needed to be on special diet. We did go along but it was a total failure. Sheba got very constipated and gassy on the special high fiber diet and refused to eat. She did lose weight from that so can I say it was a failure?

Anyhow, in the end we returned the refundable special diet. We cut back her treats and slowly introduced her to Orijen for senior dogs. That clinician did not approve of it because it was too rich, too many calories. I had read so many good reviews about it. I wanted to give it a try. I would give her less volume but equal calories to her old dog food. It was a slow process of switching over but it was a success. She is healthy and vibrant. Her coat is shiny and her weight has come down. Two years later, she’s a svelte 27.9 kg. BUT googling now on how to spell Orijen, I came across articles on a lawsuit against Champion Pet Food, maker of Orijen and Acana. What to think? I guess I shouldn’t think too much or believe everything I read. There is a lawsuit but no recall. Sheba is healthy. No need to worry yet.

I have to get up and stretch now. My lower back feels stiffer today. Funny how a little wrong move can cause so much trouble. It wears on my energy, too. The sun has clouded over. Snow is drifting outside the window. I am glad we went to the park after our appointment. I can just relax, not having to think about going out again. Sheba is tired by her excitement this morning, too. She’s fallen asleep and forgotten about her supper. Or have I fed her but forgotten?

 

MY MAGIC CARPET

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I’m trying to get my ass in gear but it’s feeling mighty heavy today. It doesn’t help that I pulled or twisted something in my lower back this morning. I was simply moving my sewing table into a better spot. The table had wheels so it wasn’t even heavy nor the move strenuous. But my back went an oh-oh. It passed fairly quickly but remains a dull ache. Life is never pain free. Now, I have to google for stretches for the lower back.

It’s snowing again, just when our solar panels are cleared and making electricity. This late March snow is wearing on my one nerve that is left. Sheba and I have just come back from our walk. Yesterday’s slush have frozen into hard crusty bumpy ice. I did not enjoy an inch of the walk. And we did inched along, my footsteps heavy as lead. Nothing fun about nature today. Am I complaining? You bettcha. Having a bad mood day but I’m not throwing it around. I’m keeping it here on the page.

I had time this morning to watch a small segment of Caroline Myss’ video on Self Esteem and the Power of Your Choices. I agree with her that words are magic carpets. They are transformative. That is why I return here, to my space, to tap out the words, to dig out the magic/solutions. It’s one way for me to be in the present moment, to sit here with my mind focused to this moment. It creates space for silence and rest for my busy wandering mind. I let go of the daily chatter. I hear the tap, tap of the keys. It is soothing. I feel my shoulders relaxing and dropping. The ache in my lower back is easing. My forehead unfurls. I am emptied of my striving and fussing.

Another cup of tea and some toast and jam and I will feel replenished and ready for moving and doing again.

 

WOMAN AT WORK

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It’s another day and I will have a few less items clogging up the basement. I have hauled them up and by the door, ready to load in the car for disposal tomorrow. They are heavy – both for the body and psyche. I am pooped but feeling lighter already. It was a chore going through the computer and deleting and clearing as best as I could. I stopped reading the emails after the first few. Otherwise it would take forever, which it already has – since 2005.

There’s another PC waiting in the wings but I will hang on to it just a little bit longer. It has alot more data than the first one. It is really an arduous task for me just thinking about getting rid of the stuff that I no longer use. I understand why I have left it for so long. The mental part is as difficult the physical. But it MUST be done. The rubble in the basement and in the head do not go away by themselves. I must have reached the maximum tolerance and now I AM ready to do the hard work. I am done in by today’s small progress but I am satisfied. I am calling it a day.

Tomorrow is another day. It is an ongoing process. Maintenance work – a little dab daily will do it.

NO SHAME AND BLAME

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I feel very tired and cross after my second day of excavating the rubble in the basement. I am making progress but it is always a bigger job than I envision. It always is. And I would abandon the project time and time again. I should have been listening to Benjamin Franklin when he said, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” I haven’t done any maintenance work in the basement for two years. I take things down but nothing comes up – not even dust. Now I’m paying the price. I’ll probably be a few pounds heavier after I’m done. It’s hard and stressful. I’m snacking.

I’m trying to be more efficient and tough with the stuff – recycle or throw out. No saving in case of it might come in handy later. Some things are difficult to recycle because frankly people rather get new stuff. I hate cluttering up the landfill with my stuff, so for now the rowing machine, exercise bike, mini stepper and slant board are in the garage. Maybe in summer I will bring them out as free grabs. Then what do you do with all those cutesy baskets and containers? I blame them for my accumulation of stuff. Then there’s my very old computer. How do you get all the data off the hard drive – smash it? And how do you get the hard drive out of the tower? I suppose I should ask at a computer store.

I’m feeling better, not so cross or tired. I just ate a bowl of chips. They help rid the dust in my throat. Yes, it is a little dusty down there with a few cobwebs. I should be ashamed of myself but what good would that do? I’m feeling bogged down as it is. Shame would add to the load. So no thanks to shame or blame. Life happens as they say. Tomorrow I will do a little more and a little better.

RETHINKING EVERYTHING

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Chicken strips again! It’s easy and it’s good. Pop them in the oven and voila! 20 minutes later you have food. It does get tiresome after awhile, never mind the electric bill escalating with daily use. But what do you do when you have those gift cards from M&M? After this week is dealt with, I will have to rethink lunches and EVERYTHING else.

It’s mostly with how I deal/not deal with stuff. I often catch myself wondering why I avoid/dread doing things that’s not difficult. Why can’t I bend over and pick up that book or whatever that fell on the floor? Why can’t I wipe the dust when I’m looking at it? Why do I dread appointments of every kind? Clearly I need to change my feelings toward tasks. If I delete the words dread and procrastinate from my vocabulary, would I delete those feelings from my psyche and body. It’s worth a try. They deplete too much energy from me.

It’s a miserable windy and snowy day. See, I’m paying attention. I’m changing the way I talk. I’m deleting negative feeling words from my speech. I’m enjoying my cup of tea. Sheba’s next to me on her bed. She’s not at all objecting on missing her afternoon walk. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves a break. It’s good to take a load off our feet. I’m tapping out the kinks in my head, neck and shoulders. It’s helpful to unload onto the page. Less wear and tear on me.

I did good this morning, doing all the hard, yucky, don’t-want-to-do stuff. Ooops! I slipped, letting the negatives in again. Clearly it is the way I talk that contributes to my malfunctions. I enjoy all my hobbies – gardening, sewing, baking, painting…They all involve steps. Some steps are more enjoyable than others but they are all necessary. I have to accept the whole package. I have to re-think and re-think them in a pleasant way.

 

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THESE

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I feel like I’m always mired in my stuff. Once upon a time I had an excuse of working and shiftwork at that. That excuse is wearing thin now that I am retired. AND I have more stuff. Not that I am a shopaholic. Quite the contrary, but I did purchased a new sewing machine just before Christmas. It is quite big with an embroidery module and accessories. I haven’t bought fabric either. I don’t need to since I’ve been stashing them away over the years from – sales, projects, closing out sales, etc. I have the equivalent of 3 big totes. Overwhelming – yes!

Now I am in the process of organizing and making space. It’s difficult to see what I have or don’t have. Everything crammed together. No space to walk, never mind spread the stuff out. This morning I bit the dust (literally) and finished tackling my sewing stuff. At least now there’s room to move – and to create. I can see why sorting and clearing is such a difficult task. Memories are evoked from handling some of the items. Cleaning and sorting the contents of my sewing basket, I remembered my mom gave it to me when I bought my Kenmore. She stocked it with scissors and a few more items.

She taught me how to sew and knit. She must have been a good teacher because usually I’m not good at learning from verbal instructions. I have to read the directions. I have been sewing since high school. I designed and made my graduation gown. I never thought much of it then. It looks pretty good to me now. It gives me pleasure seeing it. I wonder if my mother still has it. I made my sister’s high school grad dress, too. I took special care finishing all the raw seams. I remembered she was recovering from a concussion that spring. She was struck by a car at a pedestrian crosswalk.

These are all good memories. They make me nostalgic, yearning for those bygone days. I didn’t know then how sweet everything was, even the tough times. I feel a tad sad with some regrets. It comes with being human. Who doesn’t have regrets, wanting things that aren’t and can’t be in retrospect? It’s really not a bad thing. It can inspire me towards reaching outward, upward and all around me to make dreams come true. Now for a spot of tea. Sheba and I have made a run to the dog park. We stopped at Sarcan and dropped off some old phones, bottles and cans. We made $8.00. We made space. We are proud.

ORDER, VIRTUES AND BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

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Here I am, a little earlier than usual. When I am stuck, I shuffle my deck of cards and try to come up with something else. Staying stuck frustrates and discourages me. Then I start feeling sorry for myself. No point in crying a bucket of tears or get shaky with anxiety. I come back to my rule of the index card/quilting square. They’re small and manageable. It’s easier to touch the edges. I will not get lost. And in this space here,  I tap, one letter at a time. I get a sentence, then two. Soon a thought, then an idea forms. My body relaxes, I unfurl my brow. I tap on.

My hip pain is mostly gone, though the memory is still in my muscle. It reminds me every time I get up. It’s only a faint whisper but enough so that I carry on with my stretches 3 times a day. I’m not quite as eager to do them now that the acute pain is gone. But I’m listening to Benjamin Franklin’s voice. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” I’m obeying, being a good adult.

I wish that Ben had been talking to me way before now. I would be in a better place if I knew it is easier to prevent bad habits than to break them. No matter.  I am now learning how to break them. I have read 46% of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself.  Understanding the mechanics of how I got here makes it easier to dismantle the old bad habits. Don’t ask me to explain just right now. I’m into the wine. My head is a little bit fuzzy. I’ve been downstairs working at organizing all my sewing paraphernalia. It’s a chore – so many years of gathered STUFF.

I had to come up for air after an hour or so. BUT all the threads are sorted, the buttons in their container, the zippers, seam bindings, elastics, lace, and velcro gathered and in their places.The fabrics are in their bins with lids closed. I found all the seam rippers. Now I have 4. If only I could find my quilt rotary cutter! It will show when it’s ready, I guess. I am happy to have made this much progress. Tomorrow is another day. The dust and other stuff can wait. It would do me well to study and work on Ben Franklin’s 13 virtues a little each day.

1. TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
2. SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
3. ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
4. RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
5. FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
6. INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
7. SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
8. JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
9. MODERATION. Avoid extreams; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
10. CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.
11. TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
12. CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dulness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.
13. HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

FROM A WHISPER TO A SCREAM

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It’s the end of March. It’s messy and melting outside. Nothing pretty about it – icy muddles and dirty snow. Seems like there’s always stuff for me to bitch about every month. I can hear someone asking, Are you ever happy? Probably not! Want to make something out of it? I demanded back in my head. That’s what I like about having my own space for conversations. I get to say what I want without interruptions and corrections. It is very difficult in the real world. Have you noticed that? I’m guilty of it myself. I try very hard to stay quiet and let the other person speak for himself, how he sees, how he feels. I can just listen. I don’t have to offer answers, solutions or opinions.

I’ve had a few difficult days with hip pain. It sure woke me up on how much we take things for granted – like getting in and out of bed/the car, getting up from the chair, turning over in bed. The list goes on and on. I discovered that everything was painful and tiring even just sitting. I should have listened to my body even when the signal was soft and quiet. But no, I only heard when the pain screamed at me. It got my whole attention then. I went on an internet search for answers and solutions.

I am lucky. I found some. I incorporated some of the stretches in the above video with some strengthening exercises. I do them in the morning, afternoon and before I go to bed. I still have some discomfort but I can roll on both sides in bed. This afternoon I am able to climb up the basement stairs using both legs. Hurray!

I’m in a better mood now. Things are improving. I am getting better and wiser. I rid my week’s activities of everything except absolutely necessaries. That alone took a lot of pressure off my hips and allow me to heal faster. Now to apply that philosophy to other areas of my life. Indexcard art and quilt squares remind me to keep things small and slow. Life in bite sizes. There is no rush. Savour everything.

THE PAIN OF IT ALL

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It’s not quite 2 in the afternoon. I’m doing very well for not having slept hardly last night. It’s no surprise then that I didn’t dream. I felt like screaming though. My hip was giving me grief. It was hard getting in and out of bed. Forget about rolling onto my left side. The pain was too much. And when you can’t, you want it all the more. After an hour of sleeplessness, flat on my back alternating with rolling onto the right side, I got up with great difficulty. I made myself a cup of tea, took a Tyleno 3 and read for awhile.

Even though I was feeling a little groggy after an hour or so, I could not get to sleep. I was aggravating my hip getting in and out of bed. Next, I navagated to the couch with a block of frozen wonton wrappers to ice my hip. It would decrease inflammation if it was bursitis. It couldn’t make it worse. It might numb the pain. The couch was a better option for getting in and out. I didn’t have so far to swing my legs. The leather was soft and curvy. I could nestle against the back for support. I managed to sleep for an hour or two.

The thing worse than pain is sleeplessness. When you got both, it’s a double whammy. I’ve learned from experience not to fret about it. Fretting only adds to the distress. I counted my blessings instead. I don’t have to go to work anymore. In other words, I don’t have to perform. I wiped my coming week’s calendar clean except for absolute have to’s. I will reschedule Sheba’s checkup and vaccinations for the following week. No exercise classes. No swimming. Nothing. Nada. I will add things back as I am able. No pressure, no stress, no straining. More relaxing, stretching and letting go.

Pain can be all consuming if you let it. Same goes for sleeplessness. It is very easy to fall into a dark pit. It would be a long way to climb back out. I’ve learned to stop and be still in these moments and assess the situation. Ask some questions. How can I improve my situation? Do I need help? And go from there.

I’ve done some stretching and stengthening exercises through the day. I’ve taken Sheba around the block slowly. I try not to sit too long. I stand up from sitting regularly. I do my qi gong routine. I will ice my hip when I’m watching the news tonight. Surprisingly, I can keep up with life just poking along steadily. Not all is lost.

 

DREAMS AND SCREAMS

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Bummer! My left hip has been giving me some grief lately. It takes the pleasure out of going to the park with Sheba and everything else. Though I’ve cut our outings shorter and walking slower and with more care, I’m still suffering. I’m sure the weather is aggravating my arthritic bones. I can also feel my nasal and jaw bones aching. It’s all on my left side where I feel most of the tension. So a tylenol and some yoga later, I’m attending to business.

I had a dream again last night. I am sure I do it every night. Only most of the time I don’t remember. I couldn’t remember much this morning either but I knew I had dreamt. I was opened to let it come back to me. It did. It did not involve an intruder. It was rather mundane so no screaming. Talking about dreaming and screaming, I realize now that I do scream out loud. When I dreamt about ghosts sitting and paralyzing me, I felt I couldn’t get my screams out. In reality I must have screamed and screamed. That was scared the cat off the bed and NOT the ghost. I was living alone then. I had no idea.

Now that I’ve had supper and a glass of wine, my hip feels a bit better. I try not to favour it too much and get totally out of alignment. Already I’m walking like Charlie Chaplin without a cane. Some days are better than others but today was not a total loss. I did not get any transplanting seedlings done. Nor did I make it to swimming. But I did get to a class on quilting software at The Sewing Machine Store this morning. I coloured another cloth with Inktense blocks and heat setted the colours with a dry iron. It seemed to work. No colour run-offs when I washed the block under the tap. Little blocks of success – that’s all I ask for. They do add up to make the big picture. Time to say good night.