TWISTS AND TURNS

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I had my passport photos done this morning. Hallelujah! “Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There’s a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” Forgive my little outburst of Leonard Cohen’s verse from Anthem. How could I help it? Such perfect lines. I want to be the author.

I am one step closer to getting my passport and to travelling to a foreign country if the desire or need comes up. I’m surprised that starting this process does stir up the juices. I am no longer feeling lazy and as complacent with my status quo. My interest is peaked and my vitality increased. I’ve gone as far as to visiting and talking with a travel agent.

So that was Friday. Was that only yesterday? Seemed so long ago. So many twists and turns to the day(s). I just have to twist, turn and sometimes shout with them. Sheba is in one of her moods. She is pacing here and there, wants to go out, then wants to come in, yips and cries. It is hard to tell if it is anxiety or something else. If only dogs can talk. I hope she will settle down soon. I hope she will let me sleep tonight.

It is like tending a baby or a patient. They’re fussing because they are uncomfortable. I will have to do the best I can. I remember having such a patient. It had to be on a night shift when staff was minimal. The patient was a young 30ish woman with lupus. She was having an anxiety attack and wanted me to sit with her for awhile. And so I did but I could only do it for a short time. I had a patient load of 12 patients. She got more stressed and distressed as soon as I left. Of course, her blood pressure and other symptoms escalated. I phoned the resident on call. He came, read her chart, but did not go to see the patient.

This went on and on. The patient called her mother in to sit with her. I felt very bad and helpless. I told the resident that it wasn’t right for him to just read her chart. He needed to have hands on. His story was that he was advised by a colleague to be careful that this patient’s needs and demands doesn’t eat him alive. True, we have to have boundaries but this was poorly handled. I felt that if he had spent some time with her, it would have saved a lot of chaos for all of us. She got herself so worked up that I had to move her into the Observation Unit.

I’m remembering all this with Sheba now. So here I am, tapping by candlelight (joking). It soothes me. It must soothe her, too. She’s laying quietly on her pillow beside me. I will stay up awhile longer. Let her relax a bit. If need, I guess I can sleep on the Lazy Boy or loveseat. I hate to move and get her all antsy again. She and I had been sleepless for one week one time. We both don’t want a repeat performance. So TLC with firmness.

This is for day 12 and 13 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I wanted to do better but too many twists and turns. Oops, Sheba just got up. I hope she’s ready for bed and not fussing.

ANOTHER DAY, NO DOLLARS

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It’s afternoon already, almost time for Sheba’s walk.  I need to peck out a few sentences before that happens. She’s barking her fool head off, answering a neighbouring puppy’s yips. I suppose dogs need to talk, too, but dang! They are noisy. They make it hard for me to think. Every time I get up, she has to follow. Talk about separation anxiety.

There, finally quiet except for the whoosh of traffic on the front street. It’s a beautiful day to be sitting out. Warm but not too hot, with a gentle breeze. It’s heaven here, tapping and drinking my decaf. I have made the kimchi this morning. It is going to be delicious – colourful and spicy. The blend of garlic, cayenne, paprika and ginger was quite strong. I had to open the kitchen window wide to air it out. The kimchi is now sitting in 2 pretty jars to ferment for 5 days. I can’t wait!

I did get a start on the paper stuff. I worked on my application for a new passport. I let my previous one expire without renewing for too long. Now I had to do the long application form. It’s mostly finished. It wasn’t too difficult but it did tax my brain. It doesn’t like to read instructions. I had to do my 4-7-8 breathing exercise to relax into it. When I look at the forms, I get overwhelmed by all the words and sentences. I had to take my time, not rush, and read each sentence, one by one. It’s the main reason I hate doing paperwork. I want everything to be done with a blink of an eye or a tap on the ENTER key.

Well, it’s getting late. I’m getting tired. Sheba got walked. The carrots got thinned, the front yard flower bed got watered and weeded. Supper’s ate. The wine is gone. Time to close down for the evening. I will be back tomorrow.

SOME THINGS CAN WAIT

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I’m in a slacking off mood today. I feel I deserve/have earned it. I indulge myself in that feeling in small bits. I must have developed some backbone and discipline through these 9 days of the challenge. I’ve been able to rein myself in, rise up and out of the chair and deal with the day. Oh, I do give myself a short block of time to read my mystery novel and to sip my tea. I know that if I give into an all morning or afternoon lounging marathon, I will not get much else done.

To be open and accountable, I have not made any move towards my paperwork from yesterday. They’re still waiting but the urgent parts are dealt with. Today was an exercise morning. I took care to do a bit of housekeeping in the 30 spare minutes I had. Regular maintenance is efficient and time saving. I also took time after our exercise class to check on a travel plan. Timely information is helpful in making timely decisions. And I haven’t always been very proactive. You know how it is – the wish for something magical without having to do anything. I know that it’s an impossibility but I still want it.

Being a somewhat odd ball, I have to confess that I quite enjoyed cleaning up the lunch dishes today. It was such a pleasant experience after my previous feelings towards them. It was easy. There was no struggle in doing them. It was like finding my way out of the forest after being lost for so long. Laugh if you must but I feel so good. I’m not worried if I don’t get to the paperwork today. Tomorrow will do just as well. I have plans of making a kale, cabbage and radish kimchi. And Sheba still needs to be walked.

I’m glad that I didn’t caved in to my reading jag. I’m happy I could put down Heartbreak Hotel. It’s getting very interesting but I haven’t jumped ahead and read the ending yet. I used to do that alot but I’ve stopped. I’ve been practicing being mindful and read page by page in order. I think it is quieting my frenzied brain.

 It is now after seven. Sheba’s been walked. Supper is over. The kimchi will have to wait till tomorrow along with the paperwork. The garden had called, demanding attention. It wanted water and the kohlrabi seedlings wanting more space in between. Some things couldn’t wait. So here I am, tired after all that. I’m tapping my last words, bringing an end to my day.

MY NEMESIS

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It’s a perfect afternoon sitting in my outdoor space. Warm but not too hot. The birds are chirping behind me in the cedars. The traffic whooshing by in the background. Sheba’s asleep on the deck floor. I’m facing a blank screen. It’s the 9th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. What shall I talk about today?

Pardon me but I have to get up, stretch and shake out my legs. It will give me a chance to do my breathing exercise. Maybe movement and more oxygen to the brain will loosen and free up my creativity. This writing challenge is holding me accountable to my words. It’s been a week of an egg with no toast in the morning for breakfast. I decorate it alternately with hemp and chia seeds. I prefer the hemp. It has a pleasant nutty taste. The chia is rather seedy and snappy, getting into the teeth. I haven’t stepped on the scale nor plan to. I’ve been rewarded with less jowls. That’s my measuring stick.

Now I have to work on my other nemesis. It’s no secret that I hate paying bills and paperwork. They send my brain into a frenzy. Seeing that my credit card bills are due today, I had to sit down and deal with them and other crap this morning. The bills are paid, insurances and car plate updated. The paper pile remains on my desk. There’s only so much my brain can handle at one go. But I must follow up tomorrow with sorting and filing. There’s also a couple of things I need to send in the mail.

That very thought unsettled me. I had to get up and make a black decaf and eat a couple of chocolate covered almonds. It stayed at only 2. What will power, eh? I will work hard at avoiding unpleasant tasks. I will approach my bill paying and paperwork like my after-lunch dishes – mindfully. In the end, it will not be dreaded.

RETHINKING FUN AND EVERYTHING ELSE

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The after-lunch-dishes time has become my mindfulness practice. It’s easier day by day. I’ve developed a rhythm of putting things away. First this and then that. Now it’s time to  scrape off the dishes and stack them for washing. I plug in the kettle to get some quick hot water, squirt the soap into a big bowl/pot and watch the suds form. One by one I wash and rinse each item and put them on the rack to dry. Today I felt movement and flow. I feel pleasure. Is it possible? Can I believe myself?

Well, anything is possible. I’m starting to rethink a lot of things – like pleasure and fun. I’m a serious person. I’ve been told that I’m also eccentric. I suppose I am since I don’t like having fun, not the kind most people go for anyways. I’ve always felt apologetic about myself. I feel obligated to go along with someone else’s kind of fun. I have to rethink that, too. Why do I care so much about others and so little of myself? I have done it for so long, I’ve lost a sense of self. I have much rethinking to do.

What is the definition of fun anyways? Google says it’s a noun and means enjoyment, amusement, or lighthearted pleasure. Synonyms are pleasure, entertainment, enjoyment, amusement, excitement, gratification. I think I’ve been wrong about myself in the fun department. I do like fun. I find pleasure, enjoyment, amusement, excitement and gratification in many things. Some are serious as in participating in this Ultimate Blog Challenge. Serious is an okay fun, isn’t it? I derive a lot of pleasure tapping out my words, ideas and stories.

I do have lighter hearted fun. I have fun painting on index cards for the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. I read a wide genre of books. I enjoy lunch dates and dinner parties. I’m not much for large or loud parties though. And for laughing out loud fun, I make videos of Sheba. Here’s one from when she was young and really full of fun.

TENDING TO MY WORDS AND GARDEN

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It is after lunch time in Saskatoon. I want to just walk away from the dishes and sink into reading the Jonathan Kellerman mystery book, Heartbreak Hotel and sip my cuppa cardamom tea. The tea is 3-in-one (tea,sugar,cream) given to me by a friend. It’s most delicious and full of good stuff. I have a large jar of the spice to make the tea once the 3-in-one is gone. Now I have another use for it besides cooking and baking. Looking at the pile of messy dishes made me feel squirrely. They look and feel like my messy brain. So I did my 4-7-8 breathing and started scraping dirty plates and putting things back in the fridge. And voila, dishes done!

Now I’m sitting pretty in front of my keyboard. The book still beckons me but I want to start this conversation. I need a hook to get into writing this post on this 7th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It’s a warm day. I had such a wonderful experience writing on the deck yesterday. I wanted a repeat and rushed out with my laptop after breakfast of one fried egg with a sprinkle of hemp seeds and a cantaloupe slice. I’m still on track with my meal plans. For lunch I had small portions of brown rice with coconut oil, roast beef and stir fried zucchini, mushrooms and celery and a bit of ferments. I’m feeling some progress – slimmer and less bloating. Or is it wishful thinking?

Once outside, I did my qigong moves to loosen up. Then I got distracted by my garden. The laptop and writing were abandoned on the deck. It was a good thing because the tomatoes have sprung up and out in the last couple of days. I struggled to get them hooped. I am Pretty pleased with their growth. They seem healthier and sturdier than my other years’ tomatoes. I’m looking forward to replenish my tomato sauce supply in the fall.

 

Once in the garden, it is hard to do just one thing. Everything begs for attention – just like Sheba. She lays content in her hollowed out spot in the yard, watching as I prune and pinch the tomatoes, weed the rows of peas and beans and hoe around the squash and goji berries. She’s like a benevolent supervisor. No criticism! Now that we’ve had rain, our water barrels are full again. It took a few trips with the watering can before everything was watered.

Now it is time to tend to my words. I’m committed to walking them. After all, what good are they if I can’t live up to them? I’m taking care not to say any falsehoods or things that need not be said. Why waste my time and words. They are both precious. Till tomorrow.

NOT SO BAD AT ALL!

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At long last, a warm Saturday morning! I am basking in the sunshine, sipping my tea and tapping on my laptop. Sheba is laying at my feet. I feel like tap dancing and breaking out in song. If only I can dance and sing! Never mind, music is playing in my head again. I have to sit and listen to Roger Miller sing before I can go on tapping.

I’m obviously feeling better, eh? It’s good to know that I’m not always down in the dumps, no fun to be around. It’s also important for me to document it as proof. Sometimes I don’t remember or believe myself. It feels absolutely wonderful that I am doing this Ultimate Blog Challenge. This time around, I have a clearer vision of what I want to accomplish using the challenge as a tool. Let me put it down here again.

  1. Be mindful and in the present moment.
  2. Getting up, dressing up and showing up here every day.
  3. Work on content, construction, proof reading of posts.
  4. Striving for improving mental and physical health – eg. losing a few pounds.

What works for me is to do the small of everything. A few words to get an idea  to form. I do not have or work in concrete ideas/forms. I’m one whose head is in the clouds and whose thoughts are as nebulous as the mist. It’s only when I tap on the keyboard, when I see the words march across the screen that I can see my way out of the woods. It’s a big ahah moment. Until I can see and understand my handicap, I can’t make a correction or make an improvement.

Ad libbing, off the cuff will not work for me. I need to put my thoughts into words on a page. I need to brainstorm onto the page. I need to break things into small steps. My brain goes into a soupy fog even thinking of doing the lunch dishes. I want to dump everything and run away. It’s only after I slowly and mindfully start scraping off the plates, loading them into the sink/dishwasher, putting in soap, turning on the water…that my brain starts to relax. My hands and mind connect, gets into a rhythm and somehow the dishes are done. I go, “Well, that wasn’t bad!” I go through this every day.

I can also say that this wasn’t at all bad  for the 6th day of this challenge. I get to do this all over again tomorrow.

 

STOPPING AND STARTING

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Today, instead of breakfast and lunch, I had my whole meal deal in between. I’m rethinking everything – working on being flexible, living my life and staying with the program. I don’t have to give up one thing for another. Having a date with friends for breakfast at 10 am means I cannot go to the 9:30 aerobics class but I could go for a half hour swim at 9. That was my plan. I could skip breakfast and have a full meal later. It would be my breakfast and lunch.

That was my plan. It was a bit iffy in the morning. I felt like hell in the morning, whether if I was really feeling physically yucky or if it was my unconscious excuse of not feeling up to it. You know how it is. I’m always looking forward to something until it comes up. Then there’s a drawing back, a dreading of the thing, wishing I had never thought of it. I had 2 hours to work out my yucks and dreads. First, I took an extra strength tylenol and did my 4-7-8 breathing exercise. Then I sat in meditation with my tea for 20 minutes. I felt somewhat better after.

I proceeded to pack my gym bag as if I am going to go for my swim. I had my slice of honey dew and a teaspoon of coconut oil so that I would have something in my stomach for my medications and vitamins. I felt well enough. I thought I could swim and live to tell about it after all. And I did.  I am glad I pushed myself out the door. I had been a regular Saturday morning swimmer until April. For some reason (most likely a sinus issue) I had stopped. I am like that. Once stopped, I have trouble starting again.

I am just learning not to give myself too hard a time for it. I have a better chance of going back to a good habit/exercise if I show myself compassion instead of bashing. The swim was just what I need. The water warmed my body, soothed and smoothed out the aches and pains. Getting to the pool and into the water gave me a sense of accomplishment. I did not let myself dwell in physcial miseries. I feel confident I can get back to my weekly swim.

I had it all today. My splash in the water, good food and good time with friends. After, Sheba and I did some mindful romping in the dog park. No snacking today and a sensible supper. So ends day 5 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Only 26 more days to go but who’s counting, eh?

LOSING WEIGHT, MAINTAINING RESOLVE

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It’s the Fourth of July. Happy Indepence Day to my American friends and relatives! It’s also the 4th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge where I have commited to show up every day to write a post. It’s too early for me to crow about my success but so far, so good. It was a challenge yesterday to have the inspiration, the content and the fluidity to satisfy myself. I was left feeling dissatisfied and a bit down in the mouth. Then I received a very nice and kind comment from Bing, a content writer and blogger. I am buoyed again.

Breakfast is ate, the kitchen and dining room floors are vacummed. I am here to start my words. It is good to have a routine, a few rituals before I sit myself before the keyboard. A few ideas are percolating in my head while little bits of housework are done. A win win activity. Life works best for me in little bites and blocks. I cannot handle the whole enchilada. I am envious of those who can. I am a small splash in my little pond.

I am inspired and motivated by Karen Sammer, a health coach and fellow blogger on the Challenge to lose 10 pounds. I am sure I would feel better for it. I am not a big person with a lot of weight to lose, but I feel every extra pound because of my height. It has nowhere to go except horizontally. Though I do attend an aerobics class three times a week and walk the dog daily, it is not enough. I need to do more. I need to be mindful of the way I eat. So many things to be mindful of!

It goes to show of how not in the moment I am. It is true that I worry excessively of things not done or mistakes I’ve made. I ponder too much on options and make no decisions at all. I let things decide themselves or others do for me. Today is another wake up moment. I can start with the food I eat. I haven’t done this exercise in mindfulness, thinking it is not a big deal. It is a big deal, to chew and taste the food in my mouth – the flavour and texture before swallowing. After all, I am not Sheba, who wolfs down her kibbles before I had a chance to stand up and turn around.

Just practicing it at breakfast and lunch, I feel more relaxed, losing this sense of rushing. I have time to chew, taste and enjoy. Meals are a time to rejoice and give thanks for the food on our plates. For this month I will give up my toast at breakfast. I will have one fried egg with hemp seeds and a piece of fruit. It’s good so far these 2 days. I’ve experienced no sugar lows before lunch, even on an exercise class morning. For my other meals, I will cut down my portion sizes. I’ve been adding ferments for gut health. I will allow myself a bit of snacking. Being too strict and limiting will cause me to obsesse too much on things I can’t have. I know that about myself.

Now I have a plan. I am pumped again. To tomorrow and the food on our plates!

 

 

STRUGGLING

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Starting anything is such a difficult thing, whether it is writing a post or creating a blog. I’ve been at it for awhile now, starting in 2005 when the Internet was quite new to me. I was introduced to the concept of ‘blog’ by my friend Tom. I struggled and struggled before Lilypad was born. It was little photo stories of my family and heritage. Then I added a few more photo blogs to the site on Blogger. I found Blogger difficult to manoeuver and switched to WordPress in 2012.

So here I am in this space, in the late afternoon, tapping away on the keyboard. I hope I can get into the mood of the words. Though my goal at the beginning was for a thousand words daily, I haven’t achieved it even once. That is not to say, I won’t ever, but it is unlikely. Sometimes we have to modify our goals. I would do well to work for Hallmark Cards. I’m good at index card paintings and writing snippets. But today I am not quite so good at that either.

I’ve had many such days but I still try to show up. I tap on a key. A letter shows up, then a word and somehow a sentence march across my screen. I build a post by one painful sentence at a time. They add up to one paragraph after another. Sometimes a blockade is broken open by an inspiration. Sometimes I struggle to the end. I am struggling today. I am surprised. It is only day 3 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

There is no point in fighting and grappling for words when there is none. Some days are like that. It is time to close shop as they say.