A KALEIDOSCOPE OF EMOTIONS

Posted on December 8, 2022 by hafong

December 6. Good evening. It is almost time to say good night. It’s still early enough. I have time to tap a few thoughts. Getting started is a bit tricky. We’ve just finished watching Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin in It’s Complicated, a romantic comedy. It’s very funny, entertaining and worth watching. An added bonus is Steve Martin. The night before, we watched him and John Candy in Planes, Trains and Automobiles – another comedy! That’s a record for me, 2 comedies back to back. They’re good for my mental health. I think that’s what I must do for this darkest month of the year.

Taking these 2 days off from my usual grind of exercise class, walks and skis have been good for me. It’s extremely cold today. The low was -37℃, the high -22℃. It’s a good day to stay home and huddle. I think I will take this whole week off. It can be a vacation, a retreat and a home spa. Who says you need to physically travel distances for it to be exciting and rewarding?

When it gets this cold, it is usually sunny. And so it was. The sunroom was so warm and beautiful in the morning, I couldn’t leave it. I just lounged and read. At times I felt I was wasting time. I endured it. The feeling passed and I started to feel like I was ‘getting back to normal’, that sense of normal when I wasn’t caught up in all the technology, of pushing ENTER and getting an immediate result. I felt I had time. I had time to think, observe and really feel all the things happening around me. I don’t want to push a button to get an immediate result. I want to do the work, one step at a time. It was a good feeling, not feeling squished, pushed for time.

December 8. It’s almost the supper hour, if the roast would cook faster. In the space of 2 days, our temperature has risen to -12℃ from -37℃. I wonder how our bodies process the rapid rise and fall of temperatures and barometric pressures. I know I am not a happy camper with the ups and downs. With the climate change we’re experiencing, I guess I can look forward to lots of ups and downs with my physical and mental well being this winter. My radar is on red alert. I am taking care and taking it easy on myself. No need to beat myself up. The weather is doing that for me. I don’t sleep as well some nights. I can feel my bones and joints hurting more. Then there’s my mood. It can turn on a dime. There’s nothing I can do about the weather but I can change myself. Now that I am so well acquainted with myself and the weather I am in control. Here’s what I do to stay sane and alive.

20 minute sitting meditation with Mark Williams on YouTube in the morning.
do stretches morning and bedtime.
weaning myself off electronics.
take a mini vacation from my usual routines.
get fresh air and sunshine out of doors most days -walks/ski.
read.
write.
play the piano.
listen to music.
cook and bake.
do whatever makes me feel good.

There! I think that’s a pretty good list. I hope I am making sense. I find life extremely hard. I get a little wonky and down in the mouth sometimes. Depression is just a very small part of who I am. I am also made of anxiety, worry, joy, contentment, excitement….I am a kaleidscope of emotions. We all are. It’s all a matter of how to handle each and every one – and to accept them all and have no shame.

JOURNALING THRU IT ALL

Posted on December 5, 2022 by hafong

December 5. Good afternoon. It is another new and yet not so new day. I had a wonderful sleep last night. It was cold this morning at -27℃ but it is sunny and has warmed up to -23℃ at 2 pm. I have declared today for rest and relaxation. Therefore, I cancelled my exercise class upon getting out of bed. I’m foregoing my daily ski, too. I guess I am having a rant and a tantrum – a solo strike against myself. I’ve been thinking, a dangerous thing, you might say. But yes, I’m thinking that for all my efforts of trying and striving, I haven’t advanced a squat. Now it’s time to do different. I’m not ready to totally stop everything- forever. I am doing it for a day. I’m giving it a rest and giving my self a break. I’m going to pamper myself a little.

I was going for a walk but I think I will forgo it and soak in the tub. I don’t have any bubble bath to luxuriate in but I can substitute some epsom salt. I’m a practical girl at heart. But first a little culinary treat – ginseng coffee and a muffin and cheese to go with a few pages of John Grisham’s novel, Sooley. This book is different from his usual law and order. It is about basketball and Sudan. The pace is much slower. Therefore, I am slower too. I’m learning something new – basketall and Sudan. It’s all good. It’s getting me out of my usual rut.

Photo by Henley Design Studio on Pexels.com

I’ve been in the slow lane all day. It feels good enough to repeat tomorrow. I have nothing to rush to or about. Slow will help me get back to happiness. We all want that, don’t we? Instead of doing a gratitude list, I will do a Things I Did Today list instead. It is suggested by Esme Weijun Wang from her book, Rawness of Remembering: Journaling Through Difficult Times. I’m tempted to get the book but on second thought, aren’t I already doing it? So here goes my list.

Today I cancelled my morning exercise and it freed me from a set schedule.
Today I had a long soak in the tub with epsom salt and it relaxed and cleansed me.
Today I wrote this post. I’m keeping up with my commitment to write every day or almost every day.
Today I added more stuff to my pot of chili. Now I have prepared lunches for 4 days.

WEIRD AND WONKY

Posted on December 4, 2022 by hafong

Dec. 4. Good evening. It’s another day. My happy feelings have disappeared, leaving me feeling like a hoax, a liar and a failure. However, I am here, showing up rain or shine, in good times and bad. I heard somewhere that feelings are not real but they sure can feel bad. I shall see if I can tap dance them away.

My weakness is that though I know better, I tread where I shouldn’t. I am a truth seeker. Being such it is hard to dance around the edges, hoping for the best and not wanting to know. Now that I know more, I am not feeling better for it. But so what? I’ll live and tomorrow will be a better day. There’s always consequences to any action we take.

It’s December. It’s the darkest month of the year. Christmas is 3 weeks away. People are shopping and decorating. I envy them their joy. Christmas has not worked for me for quite a few years now. I miss and grieve for the joy and reverence I once had. Moments like this, I miss Sheba the most. She was always next to me with her soft animal body.

I’m feeling a tad better now that I’ve cried onto the page. Feelings are deceptive sometimes. Maybe it is just my SAD (Season Affective Disorder) talking. Or maybe it is just the weather. We were having -30℃ weather a few days ago. Then today we had a balmy -3℃. If I can blame the weather or a disorder, I’ll take it. It’s better than blaming myself.

Life is just a little weird and wonky nowadays. I shouldn’t take everything so seriously. I should lighten up, relax and be a little wonky myself. I would probably feel better.

HAPPY AGAIN

Posted on December 2, 2022 by hafong

December 2. Good evening. It is another day. I am happy again. How it came about, I don’t know. I feel as if my heart got a gentle shower of energy and converted back into happiness rhythm. I am grateful. It pays not to give up and give in to my moods. I did not fight them but accepted them for whatever they are. I gave them their space for they are a part of me. Perhaps I need them to do better and be better than what I presently am. I can become static and dull with contentment.

My moods are my friends. Without them, I might not push myself outside for my daily ski. Movement and exercise calms my restlessness and irritability. They help me to sleep at night. No matter how cloudy or grey the day is, it is always brighter outside. Cross country skiing is just the ticket for me. It gets me out. Sheba used to do that before she went to dog heaven. I have many happy memories of us running and jumping for joy on the frozen river.

Now I have my ski in the park instead. I seem to thrive in the cold. l’m out most days. I was out today in – 25℃. It did not feel cold. Instead I felt pumped, breaking trail again through fresh fallen snow. I am challenged and excited learning a new physical skill. I’m getting better and stronger, making a straighter track. I went once around the park, twice around, then three. It was just me, the trees and the snow. It was quiet and serene. It was heaven.

HURDLES

Posted on November 30, 2022 by hafong

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

November 29. Good morning. It’s another new day. I’m irked, dissatisfied, restless and a bit anxious. I don’t want it to spill onto my nice blank page. Instead, let me begin with my gratitudes.

I am grateful that the sun is shining over my right shoulder just now.
I am grateful that I got turkey soup cooking in the Instant Pot. I am taking in its nourishing aroma.
I am grateful for my encounter with my mother’s neighbour yesterday while I was there shovelling. We had a nice little conversation about our families. It made me feel that it is possible to have neighbours who are kind and courteous, that we can share a conversation without a shouting match.
I am grateful that I have this page to unload my emotions, good and bad upon. It loosens up all the thoughts whirling in my head. I can then empty the toxic ones so that I can move on with my day.

I am not very skill or agile with moving on. I stutter, stumble and repeat my errors like a broken record player playing the same track over and over. I am trying hard to push and hurdle over those stuck places. If I am persistent, try hard and often enough, one day I will succeed and just leap over the obstacles. I am experiencing that phenomenon with practicing scales on the piano. What was so difficult at first became a little easier each time I practice. Then all of a sudden it seems, my fingers knew instinctively where to go. Of course it was not all of a sudden. It took many hours of practice.

November 30. Good afternoon. It is another day and my page is not so blank. How quickly time and the day gets away on me when I am not centered and without a plan. I am easily distracted with stuff even though I have no need. And more time is wasted on being distressed by my weakness. I have to let it go. I cannot get the time already spent back. I am having trouble pushing through my hurdles. Do I need to lower the bar a bit or leap a little higher? Which way should I go? I’ve been in this race for a long time. I’m not getting any younger. I cannot afford baby steps. I hate that term – baby steps, don’t you? I am not a baby. I need to stop whining and treading water. If I can’t make a giant step forward, I can break it down to bold steady steps onward. Stop the crying and excuses. Let’s go!

WALKS AND THOUGHTS

Posted on November 27, 2022 by hafong

November 26. Another good morning. Another new day and blank page. The sun is smiling on me through the windows of my sunroom. I am surrounded by my clutter. That hasn’t changed. Perhaps I should not focus my thoughts on the clutter so much. More focus seem to have resulted in more chaos. It is a perplexing paradox. I shall set it aside for consideration in my spare idle moments.

I am not as gleeful as I want or could be. Perhaps I should do something about it. The sun is out. I should go for a walk and return some books to the library. Fresh air and exercise could resuscitate my drooping spirit. I am torn though between that and tapping out more words here. But the sun is winning. I shall walk while the sun shines. My words can wait. I might have to work to dig them out later. It is the price I can afford.

November 27. And so it is another new day. I never came back to the page after my walk yesterday. It was a longer walk than I had anticipated or remembered. It went on and on forever before I got to the library. My books felt heavier with every step. However, it was very worth it, being such a beautiful sunny day. I was mesmerized by the loveliness of trees in winter, their arms bared of summer leaves, twisting and reaching up to the sky.

I was so happy to discover the library was opened when I finally arrived. Other times they were not opened or did not open till noon on the weekend. They had provisions for returning books through a slot. I was not concerned about that though. I was in need of a sit down and rest before making my way back home. It was wonderful to rest in the sunny sitting room. Finding another John Grisham novel, Sooley was an added bonus.

Today I am not so fortunate. There is no sun but I am lucky that I have my own sitting room, much like the one in the library though smaller. I’m always surrounded by light. Some days are brighter than others and I am grateful for any and all the light I get. I have to count my blessings however small they are some days. Today I am:

grateful that my heart is open to receiving.
grateful for my sunroom.
grateful for being in the centre of 3 city libraries.

WHEN THINGS ARE BROKEN

Posted on November 25, 2022 by hafong

November 24. Good morning/afternoon. It’s another new day, another blank page. The day is not quite so new or clean any more. It is almost noon. I’m having my second cup of tea after my morning exercise class. I’m trying to reset and clear my mind of negative thoughts and feelings that have crept in. I wonder how that happened when nothing has happened at all. I wonder if I can dust and sweep them out. They are not strangers to me. I am not so frighten of them any more. I have accepted and made peace with them. They are all parts of me – the good, bad and ugly. Rumi’s poem, The Guest House says it well.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Today I am working on Pages in my iCloud on iMac. I had lost it along with Numbers and Keynotes when I did an update of my IOS. It was very upsetting at the time but after much wasted energy and needless stress, I somehow got them on iCloud. Lesson learned – things don’t stay broken. When things break or fall apart, it forces me to change, to search for different/better ways of being/doing. I can look at it as the silver lining of a bad situation.

I’m reminded of Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. We are deep in those difficult times now. It should not be a surprise that I have some anxiety and other bad feelings. I have the book. I should read it. It does me no good sitting on the shelf. And on this note, I shall close up with my gratitude list.

I am grateful I have the love of words and books.
I am grateful I have rediscovered my love of music and spending time each day to listen to my library.
I am grateful to have found Jodie Picoult’s Sing You Home in the library. It’s about music therapy, hence leading me to my music collection.

ON WRITING/READING

Posted on November 24, 2022 by hafong

November 24. Good morning! It’s another new day and another blank page. I thought I would talk about writing since I am reading Stephen King’s On Writing, A Memoir of the Craft. It’s a very good read. He is a very successful writer. I would heed his advice. That’s the biggest light bulb moment for me just now – to listen to those humble successful people. I’ve wasted so much energy and time on little pesky critical thinking-they-know-it-alls. Come to think of it now, I’m guilty of being a know-it-all myself. Eeek! Writing can be illuminating, spotlighting my own flaws. It’s like dust motes in sunlight. Now that I know, I will do better. No more unsolicited advice.

Stephen King’s advice to be successful at writing is that you have to read and write alot. I have been reading since I can read, first in Chinese and then in English. I have long since lost my Chinese. I had only a grade 2 when we came to Canada, but I could read my mother’s Chinese books. Being 8 or 9 years old, my mother didn’t want me to read her adult fiction books. Shed encouraged me to read newspapers and to learn English. You can imagine what happened with that advice.

I HAD to learn English. It came easily with the help of Dick, Jane, Sally, Spot, Puff and my teacher, Miss Woodall. I can’t remember the exact moment that I held up my hand to ask permission when I felt nature calling. Before that I just got up and left the classroom and went to the basement where the batheooms were. I am surprised I remember all that and their names after all these years! I’m at an age where my memory is deteriorating. Writing is good for brain health. It would be so much better if I can make it a regular daily morning habit. My mutterings could serve as my memory and mood board. It could serve as my brain health chart.

Books were and still are good friends. Libraries are happy places for me. We didn’t have a library in our little town then. A library on wheels came to town maybe once a month. I think you can get more books more often by ordering through the mail. I can’t remember how that worked but the postage was free. I read many of the Little House on the Prairies , Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys books through that system. Then there were Little Women, Little Men, the Bobbsey Twins and…

Enough now for today. Keeping it simple, let me finish with my 3 daily gratitudes.

I am grateful for this morning’s ski in the North and South Park. The track was not great today but still ski-able. I got fresh air and exercise.
I am grateful for today’s mobility class. We ran through a range of exercises for various joints. I always come out feeling better than before.
I am grateful my mood is improving. I am feelings bits of sparkling joy.

WORKING IT!

Posted on November 23, 2022 by hafong

November 23. Another new day, another blank page. I’m starting today with my gratitude list.

I’m grateful I had a good night’s sleep.
I’m grateful for another day.
I’m grateful I have a plan

My plan going into 2023 is keeping things simple and practicing good housekeeping in everything. I will borrow some of Marie Kondo’s ideas. Not that I know a lot about her method, but I do love this part of her philosophy.

The KonMari Method is a simple but effective tidying method, ensuring you will never again relapse to clutter. It uses a unique selection criterion – choosing what sparks joy! You are not choosing what to discard but rather choosing to keep only the items that speak to your heart. Through tidying, you can reset your life and spend the rest of your life surrounded by the people and things that you love the most.

I love the idea of sparkling joy. Who wouldn’t? It takes work and thought. It doesn’t just happen. I had it for a long spell, then lost it. That’s how life is. Now I’m working on how to get it back. It will be better now that I am conscious of what I’ve lost. In this moment of not so many sparkles, I remember going to bed looking forward to the morning. I like working on stuff. Working on myself is loving and pampering myself.

I will be a detective, examining and assessing everything to see if they will help or deter, build or wreck. In that light, I will not update this MacBook just now. i’m keeping things simple. Everything is working good enough. Pages is working pretty slick with a word count. It is bringing me joy. Keeping it simple, this is enough for today. Onward with life.

THE HUNT FOR TOOLS

Posted on November 22, 2022 by hafong

It’s another new day, another blank page to be filled as I please. But I am hampered by emotions, memories and habits of the past. They are a burden and not easily cleared. Though I want to let go and move on, I’m a bit stuck on my old treadmill. I’m on a hunt for tools to help me.

The first one that I thought of is choosing a word for the year. It was introduced to me by Susanna Conway in her Unravel Your Year workbook. It hasn’t worked well for me in the past because I don’t do anything past choosing a word. It is a bad habit of mine. I don’t do the work after making the decision. Another bad habit is when I come to a difficult part, I am unable or not willing to push pass it and I stay stuck. Changes and learning new ways of doing and being are hard. I am now trying to rectify it. My word(s) for 2023 are simplify and good housekeeping.

Nothing stays the same, no matter how much we like them to or how hard we hang onto them. And I do the both of them, tooth and nail. What happens then is my head is overflowing with stuff as well as my desk, computers, cupboards, closets and whatever that can hold stuff. I haven’t been up to par with cleaning and maintenance. My head and computer are somewhat broken. My iMac is still updating from yesterday. I hope it works after everything is done. As for my head, I hope it clears as I clear my outer space.

I have to keep things small and simple in order to succeed. My iMac has finally finished updating. It did not correct the missing info icon on my WordPress Add New page. But it did knocked out my Pages, Numbers and Keynote. They are no longer compatible with my operating system as are their new versions on the App Store. Drat! Now I am afraid to update my MacBook in case it does the same. That’s for another day.

Meanwhile, I have done a little housekeeping. I found and deposited the 3 government cheques I have received over the last few months before they’ve expired. The fresh air and walk to the bank was good except for the time of day. It was after school and work time so there was heavy foot and car traffic. Teenagers like to walk together abreast, taking up the whole sidewalk. They do not have consideration to break apart to make room for me coming from the opposite direction. I like to give them a kick but I do not.

Enough complaining. To keep things simple, I shall end here. I’m happy to discover that my Pages, Numbers and Keynote still work in the Cloud. The miracles of technology.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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