MY PRETEND SWIM

Posted on September 23, 2018 by hafong

These cloudy wet autumn days are starting to get on my nerve! Sheba is getting on that one nerve that’s left, too. Every time I get up, I feel like I’m getting a FBI escort. Most of the time I’m just heading to the kitchen to get a cuppa. She’s thinking food. Me also if I was telling the truth.

I can do absolutely nothing about the weather. I sure feel its changes though – summer, autumn, winter and spring. I’m a sensory being. I feel all the changes of temperature, pressure and probably even wind velocity. I probably have more feelers than most people. You would think I’m a spider with all these feelers. It has its advantages and disadvantages. I’m only aware of the disadvantages right now – the aches, pains, fatigue, sleepiness and then there’s the moods.

The advantages are maybe coping has pushed me to investigate the whys, wherefores and hows to have a good life despite everything. I’ve been an avid reader of anything and everything pertaining to depression, chronic pain, SAD, nutrition, supplements, mindfulness, etc. I’ve eased up a bit in the last few years. I’m spending more time dabbling with my paints and sewing machine. Being engaged in meaningful and rewarding activities take my mind off those nagging and distressful symptoms of pain and anxiety. I must be producing those feel good endorphins with my paint brushes and Bernina.

These days, I try to think of solutions instead of staying in my pit of misery. I didn’t make it to my Saturday morning swim yesterday. I did today even though I felt like hell. I felt green with total body pain and fatigue. I didn’t voiced any declarations the night before in case I couldn’t live up to it. To make it a successful mission, I had to plan for success. I packed my gym bag with all my necessities way ahead. When the time came, I just had to walk out the door with it. I eliminated excuses and delays. There was no searching for my shampoo, goggles, earplugs, etc.

I didn’t plan for an Olympic swim today. It was just a splash or two. It was just to wet and loosen up my body. It was just a pretend swim. And that’s what it was – 6 lengths up and down the pool. Then a few minutes in the whirlpool. Mission completed. I stopped and visited my mother on the way home. She fed me goji soup and gave me some Chinese pastries given to her from her friends. I don’t say no to my mother when she offers me her soup. I am happy that she is still able to make it. I can’t say no either when she gives me stuff. That’s my mother – giving.

WRITING BADLY AND OTHER INADEQUACIES

Posted on May 7, 2018 by hafong

I have a million things to do but here I sit, tapping listlessly. It’s 26 degrees Celsius outside. Too hot to take the fur ball for her walk and too late to go to the river. Guess we will wait till it the sun goes down a bit. It’s good day for the solar panels. Making electricity while the sun shines.

I feel a tad melancholy. No worries though. It’s not as bad as my writing. I do have some good news. I had a dental appointment this morning. Teeth cleaned and buffed. No cavities! I’ve set up lawn mowing service for my parents for the summer. Their insurance claim for house damages from last summer’s hail storm dealt with. Contractors to do repairs set up. It does help to solve problems as they come up and do follow ups. Less build up of stress. Today I can afford to mope – but not for long.

Things/life never let up. I know that now. I cannot get blindsided. I know how things go. What goes up must come down. That is gravitas/gravity. I wish I could be less grave, be more light-hearted. But I seem to dwell in the valley of seriousness. I hate frivolity. I can’t even imagine being jocular. Can I blame it on my childhood? What if I told you that my paternal grandmother was a very grumpy person. She didn’t like girls. Good thing she had 3 sons and no daughters. I think she nattered at me alot when I was small. My father was/is a grumpy person also. I’ve heard the story of how he tossed me out on the steps in one of his moods. I was 2 years old. So I got my grumpiness quite honestly – through my genetics. Does that get me off the hook?

Then there’s my maternal grandparents. They literally had to run for their lives – from the Communists. My grandfather got away to Hong Kong. So they put my grandmother in jail instead. It’s a story I’ve told before. Both of them have passed now but they had a few good years reunited with their children, including my mother, in New York City. Their story is in our marrow forever. We are a very serious family.

That is not to say that I/we don’t experience joy. Just don’t expect me to be gleeful in an exuberant manner. I always feel guilty and lacking for not being ‘that’. At the same time, I am not full of gloom and doom. Though I might sometimes sound like I’m apt to leap off a cliff, I am not ‘that’ either. I think it’s not the writer’s feelings the reader is interpreting but rather his or her own. I am a hopeful person mostly. That surprises me, too!

THOUGHTS, WORDS, MOODS

Posted on April 23, 2018 by hafong

I ate all the leftovers brought home last night from the Mandarin Restaurant. Zero waste with one plate and a fork to wash. I enjoyed it but it did not pass my mother’s taste buds. Not enough ingredients. Ingredients not good quality. Not very much meat. These were her pronouncements. I have to admit that I am not very discerning. Like Sheba, I like anything edible. She was right about the meat part – small and covered up with a lot of veggies. It was perfect for me. I’m not over sated from a few chicken pieces and a pile of bok choy.

I’m enjoying my second cup of Orange Pekoe tea for the day. I can feel myself wanting another cup. I will refrain. I will tap a few more words, rise and clear up the few dishes. Then I better get started with the bread. It will interrupt my Orange Pekoe craving and keep the flow of the day going. I’ve discovered that I could get a lot done by spending a little bit of time doing this and that. It also breaks up bouts of grumpiness, surliness and depression.

I don’t want to mislead anyone about my moods. I am certainly grumpy alot of the time, especially when I was working. But I wouldn’t call myself that now. The same goes for the depression. I am one who feels things deeply. I have been told that I have high standards and I hold everyone to them. I still have the same high standards. I’ve let go of the hold though. What anyone else does is no concern of mine. It took awhile for me to see it. Seeing it now, I feel so foolish. Such a busy body I am, judging others. Most of all, such a waste of energy! It took me away from caring for myself.

You see – I can learn. I can talk a new talk and do a new walk. I don’t have to keep going down the same garden path. The dough is poofing in the oven and I’m sitting with my decaf. I am a little pooped from standing, mixing and kneading. I’m happy to sit till the timer calls me to punch the dough down, shape it into loaves and poof again. It was some wonderful quiet time kneading and slapping the dough into a ball. It was like a love affair of some sort. Needless to say, it was very satisfying. Even Sheba was cooperating, not barking her fool head off.

SUNDAY JOY

Posted on February 11, 2018 by hafong

Sunday, God’s day of rest. I lingered in bed a little longer, nesting in the warmth of the comforter. Nothing on my agenda. No need for rushing and crashing. Yet at the same time, it’s not a license to sloth either. I swing my legs over the edge and head to the bathroom. Face washed and teeth brushed, I ran the brush through my bed head. Not pretty but almost not frightening. It will do for now.

The days are getting longer now. It was still light at 6 pm yesterday. This stretch of February has been wonderfully sunny. The cold has not been bad though the temperature is -23 degrees Celius at this moment. The sun is streaming into the room. The dog and I are toasty warm. I love to linger in this sunny space. It is a good place to work in and on this morning.

I am experimenting with rescheduling to find what are the best times to do anything. It seems l’m just treading water and not getting anywhere. I know it’s not true – just perceptions of my mood. It would also be of benefit if I chart my moods as to the time of day/month/seasons. I am always working at something, aren’t I? That’s my nature. I like to make ‘improvements’ on myself. Nothing stays the same. It’s best to change for the better, don’t you think?

That’s where I am going – for the better. It’s taken me a long time but I got it. It’s not always about me – that caused it, that has to fix everything or anything. I’ve finally curbed my delusion of being Atlas. I don’t have to, I cannot hold up the sky for eternity. I am but an ordinary human being. I love the smallness of my ordinary life. I am happy to putter along, one small step at a time.

MAKING INTENTIONS AND CHOICES

Posted on January 31, 2018 by hafong

I have rare moments when the gods smile, open up the sky and let sunlight shine down on me. This is one of those rarities. It feels very nice. Everything falls into place as if in perfect alignment. It’s that same feeling when Sheba rises in unison with me and pads softly behind me in perfect harmony. I hear Paul McCartney singing and the piano tinkering in the background.

Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony
Side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why don’t we?

It’s a feeling of freedom. I’m my own person and my life is my own. I don’t have to tend to or please anyone. I am not on duty any more. I know this moment is fleeting so I am breathing it into my DNA. Let it be a marker for future reference.

I am not sure what came first – the decision or the mood. I try to set my intentions every morning on how I want my day, how I want to feel and what I want to accomplish. Being Wednesday, the day of my aerobic step exercise, I set my mind to work at an 9/10 intensity level. Why not strive a little higher, eh? I’ve been a snack queen the whole month long. I kept my word, stepping smartly and continuously to the tune of That’ll Be the Day. Love the beat of yesteryear’s music. It’s steady, rhythmic and simple. It doesn’t hurt the ear or the head. Nothing to figure out. I’m stepping and soon I am singing along. Music can do that to you.

The setting of intentions for the day is a good habit to develop. It gives me a pause each morning when I’m awaken to the moment. I think of what is important to me and what is my overall goal. How do I want to feel? What do I have to do to achieve it? I ponder what do I do if I fail? It helps to think of the possible obstacles. It helps to trouble shoot.

It’s the end of the day at the end of this month of January. I am a little weary. February is just around a sleep. I’m setting my intentions for the month. Since it is heart month, I will try to do things good for the heart. I’m kind of vague, aren’t I? After a glass of wine I can’t think efficiently or tap smoothly. I will work on the specifics tomorrow. Good night.

IF WISHES WERE HORSES

Posted on September 28, 2014 by hafong

Some days any thing and every thing irritates and pisses me off. I think today is one of those days. It is as if I’ve forgotten to put on my wine tinted glasses. I feel like snarling at the world. Oh yea, I keep it to myself, that is up to now. But then this is really about me – a monolgue between me, myself and I.

So don’t take it personally or seriously. After all, it is just a mood. It will pass. Meanwhile, I might as well use it to fuel myself into action. I feel as if I need a stick of dynamite to get me going. This feeling of inertia can fool me sometimes. It plays jokes on me frequently. Even though I feel like a puddle of jello, I haven’t really been sitting on my ass and picking my nose.

I have been moving, however slow I may feel. I have 6 jars of spaghetti sauce to show for it. A load of towels have been through the washing machine. Sheba has been around a block or two, then brushed and defurred somewhat and the floors vacuumed of her sheddings. It has taken me all day to do it. Not that I am exhausted or anything, BUT…

image from google.ca

Wish I could be more efficient. Wish I could be more exuberant. Wish I do not have these episodes of puddledom. If wishes were horses, where would I be? I would be riding on the winds of elation, clearing hurdle after hurdle. I would be riding to win the Freakness. I would be riding to freedom.

I’m almost there now. It is almost within my grasp. My horse is kicking up the dust. I am standing up in the stirrups. The wind is whistling in my ears. The crowd is but a blur but I can hear them cheering me on.

AND I AM OVER THE FINISH LINE!

If wishes were horses, I could do a lot of things – like ride to the moon and play among the stars. Doesn’t that sound just lovely? Though wishes are not horses, I am over the finish line. I am riding the ride, chanting the I CAN, I CAN rant. Rah, rah, rah! My fingers are flying across the keyboard, tapping out the letters, the words, and the story.

OK, life, what the hell do you want from me? Get off my back. I am living and writing as best as I can. Your mountains are pretty steep and your valleys get so low. I am tiring of singing “Aint no mountain high enough”. I’m no Diana Ross. I’m calling you. I could use some help – a break or two. I won’t hold my breath. While I’m waiting, I’ll carry on as best I am able.

CONTEMPLATION

Posted on May 21, 2013 by hafong

Sheba and I are spending time alone today. She is cuddled up with her toys and I am sitting before my keyboard, tapping out my thoughts and feelings.

It has been a good day. I am not only reading self-help books, but I am actually putting my gained knowledge into use….finally. Imagine that! I have spent a lifetime gathering information on mood disorders and how to be happy. But knowledge without action equals zilch. If we keep doing the same things over and over, we keep getting the same results. Who said that…Oprah, Dr. Phil or some other luminary? You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that, but sometimes a hammer on the head is necessary.

After reading Sitting Kills, Moving Heals by Joan Vernikos, I decided I better MOVE today. And so I did. Sheba and I went for an early morning walk after breakfast. The morning sunshine and kids going to school was energizing. I did my qigong routine after we got home. I breathed and moved, clearing my stagnant chi.

Having limbered and stretched, I got on my bike before I could procrastinate away the opportunity. I am learning to prioritize…get the important things done first. I rode to the park at the school, pedaling along the meandering paths, practicing gear shifts. I made it up the hill once. On my second time around, I couldn’t find the right gear and couldn’t make it up. I had to stop and turn the bike around. It was still a valiant effort.

I kept my natural restlessness in check by moving – doing my neglected daily living activities. I ironed my uniforms and damp mopped the floors in a steady leisurely pace. I tried to keep my attention focused on what I was doing. I was practicing the yoga of housekeeping. I felt a certain pleasure in doing my chores. Weird!

It sure sounds like I did a lot today. I did, compared to my usual slothful ways. Sheba and I even went to the park after lunch and then stopped at the library on the way home. The secret for me is tiny steps and small varied chores….a little of this and a little of that. They add up big.

I’m not saying it was easy, but I’m not saying it was hard either. Throughout the day, I felt moments of blueness, anxiety, fatigue. I took a break in those moments for a cup of tea, a handful of walnuts, an avocado. I laid on the floor and did some stretching and meditation. I’m not at all flexible. My mind wanders. So what?

PRACTICE MAKES BETTER.

And my mood waxes and wanes…the blueness and anxiety. They are fleeting, but I resist the need for conversation, company and comfort. Sometimes you need to spend time with yourself…to wrestle with your demons or to talk with the angels. You cannot share everything. You have to save something for yourself.

BUSTING OUT OF MY WET PAPER BAG

Posted on October 31, 2012 by hafong

Today is one of those chilly, grey late autumn days in Saskatchewan. It is the kind of weather that I wouldn’t be able to find my way out of a wet paper bag, never mind traveling to the other side of the world, if I didn’t set my mind to it. Hmmm, I think I just got a light bulb moment! I need to keep on setting my intentions – programing myself to do.

Sometimes I find the greyness seeping into my brain. Sometimes, often it is difficult to get new ideas, do anything new. You get into this rut of doing the same thing, eating the same meals, over and over. You are so tire of it, but still CAN’T change. Well, darn it all, there must be a way!

So this morning, I cooked a pot of steel cut oats and quinoa. I threw in some diced ham. It simmered on top of the stove while I read my mail and listened to Tara Brach and her wise and humorous Buddhist teachings. It was very comforting and soothing way to start the day. I was feeding my body and my soul.

As I made tea, my body said it needed a little more than just a bowl of porridge. I needed another taste, another texture. I cooked a soft-boiled egg. It was PERFECT. There was no denying it. It was so soft and smooth and I was just delighted by it. I am sure my endorphins got a huge kick start.

I am accounting and remembering, the greyness, my moods, my difficult spots, the things I do. I am remembering the feelings and sensations of what works to bring me back to the center of the earth.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: moods