Tag Archives: moods

SUNDAY JOY

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Sunday, God’s day of rest. I lingered in bed a little longer, nesting in the warmth of the comforter. Nothing on my agenda. No need for rushing and crashing. Yet at the same time, it’s not a license to sloth either. I swing my legs over the edge and head to the bathroom. Face washed and teeth brushed, I ran the brush through my bed head. Not pretty but almost not frightening. It will do for now.

The days are getting longer now. It was still light at 6 pm yesterday. This stretch of February has been wonderfully sunny. The cold has not been bad though the temperature is -23 degrees Celius at this moment. The sun is streaming into the room. The dog and I are toasty warm. I love to linger in this sunny space. It is a good place to work in and on this morning.

I am experimenting with rescheduling to find what are the best times to do anything. It seems l’m just treading water and not getting anywhere. I know it’s not true – just perceptions of my mood. It would also be of benefit if I chart my moods as to the time of day/month/seasons. I am always working at something, aren’t I? That’s my nature. I like to make ‘improvements’ on myself. Nothing stays the same. It’s best to change for the better, don’t you think?

That’s where I am going – for the better. It’s taken me a long time but I got it. It’s not always about me – that caused it, that has to fix everything or anything. I’ve finally curbed my delusion of being Atlas. I don’t have to, I cannot hold up the sky for eternity. I am but an ordinary human being. I love the smallness of my ordinary life. I am happy to putter along, one small step at a time.

MAKING INTENTIONS AND CHOICES

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I have rare moments when the gods smile, open up the sky and let sunlight shine down on me. This is one of those rarities. It feels very nice. Everything falls into place as if in perfect alignment. It’s that same feeling when Sheba rises in unison with me and pads softly behind me in perfect harmony. I hear Paul McCartney singing and the piano tinkering in the background.

Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony 
Side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why don’t we?  

It’s a feeling of freedom. I’m my own person and my life is my own. I don’t have to tend to or please anyone. I am not on duty any more. I know this moment is fleeting so I am breathing it into my DNA. Let it be a marker for future reference.

I am not sure what came first – the decision or the mood. I try to set my intentions every morning on how I want my day, how I want to feel and what I want to accomplish. Being Wednesday, the day of my aerobic step exercise, I set my mind to work at an 9/10 intensity level. Why not strive a little higher, eh? I’ve been a snack queen the whole month long. I kept my word, stepping smartly and continuously to the tune of That’ll Be the Day. Love the beat of yesteryear’s music. It’s steady, rhythmic and simple. It doesn’t hurt the ear or the head. Nothing to figure out. I’m stepping and soon I am singing along. Music can do that to you.

The setting of intentions for the day is a good habit to develop. It gives me a pause each morning when I’m awaken to the moment.  I think of what is important to me and what is my overall goal. How do I want to feel? What do I have to do to achieve it? I ponder what do I do if I fail? It helps to think of the possible obstacles. It helps to trouble shoot.

It’s the end of the day at the end of this month of January. I am a little weary. February is just around a sleep. I’m setting my intentions for the month. Since it is heart month, I will try to do things good for the heart. I’m kind of vague, aren’t I? After a glass of wine I can’t think efficiently or tap smoothly.  I will work on the specifics tomorrow. Good night.

IF WISHES WERE HORSES

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photoSome days any thing and every thing irritates and pisses me off.  I think today is one of those days.  It is as if I’ve forgotten to put on my wine tinted glasses.  I feel like snarling at the world.  Oh yea, I keep it to myself, that is up to now.  But then this is really about me – a monolgue between me, myself and I.

So don’t take it personally or seriously.  After all, it is just a mood.  It will pass.   Meanwhile, I might as well use it to fuel myself into action.  I feel as if I need a stick of dynamite to get me going.  This feeling of inertia can fool me sometimes. It plays jokes on me frequently.   Even though I feel like a puddle of jello, I haven’t really been sitting on my ass and picking my nose.

I have been moving, however slow I may feel.  I have 6 jars of spaghetti sauce to show for it.  A load of towels have been through the washing machine.   Sheba has been around a block or two, then brushed and defurred somewhat and the floors vacuumed of her sheddings.  It has taken me all day to do it.  Not that I am exhausted or anything, BUT…

horse race

image from google.ca

Wish I could be more efficient.  Wish I could be more exuberant.  Wish I do not have these episodes of puddledom.  If wishes were horses, where would I be?  I would be riding on the winds of elation, clearing hurdle after hurdle.  I would be riding to win the Freakness.  I would be riding to freedom.

I’m almost there now.  It is almost within my grasp.  My horse is kicking up the dust.  I am standing up in the stirrups.  The wind is whistling in my ears.  The crowd is but a blur but I can hear them cheering me on.

AND I AM OVER THE FINISH LINE!

If wishes were horses, I could do a lot of things – like ride to the moon and play among the stars. Doesn’t that sound just lovely?  Though wishes are not horses, I am over the finish line.  I am riding the ride, chanting the I CAN, I CAN rant.  Rah, rah, rah!  My fingers are flying across the keyboard, tapping out the letters, the words, and the story.

OK, life, what the hell do you want from me?  Get off my back.  I am living and writing as best as I can.  Your mountains are pretty steep and your valleys get so low.  I am tiring of singing “Aint no mountain high enough”.  I’m no Diana Ross.  I’m calling you.  I could use some help – a break or two.  I won’t hold my breath.  While I’m waiting, I’ll carry on as best I am able.

 

 

 

CONTEMPLATION

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Sheba and I are spending time alone today.  She is cuddled up with her toys and I am sitting before my keyboard, tapping out my thoughts and feelings.

It has been a good day.  I am not only reading self-help books, but I am actually putting my gained knowledge into use….finally.  Imagine that!  I have spent a lifetime gathering information on mood disorders and how to be happy.  But knowledge without action equals zilch.  If we keep doing the same things over and over, we keep getting the same results.  Who said that…Oprah, Dr. Phil or some other luminary?  You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that, but sometimes a hammer on the head is necessary.

After reading Sitting Kills, Moving Heals by Joan Vernikos, I decided I better MOVE today.  And so I did.  Sheba and I went for an early morning walk after breakfast.  The morning sunshine and kids going to school was energizing.  I did my qigong routine after we got home.  I breathed and moved, clearing my stagnant chi.

Having limbered and stretched,  I got on my bike before I could procrastinate away the opportunity.  I am learning to prioritize…get the important things done first.  I rode to the park at the school, pedaling along the meandering paths, practicing gear shifts.  I made it up the hill once.  On my second time around, I couldn’t find the right gear and couldn’t make it up.  I had to stop and turn the bike around.  It was still a valiant effort.

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I kept my natural restlessness in check by moving – doing my neglected daily living activities.  I ironed my uniforms and damp mopped the floors in a steady leisurely pace.  I tried to keep my attention focused on what I was doing.  I was practicing the yoga of housekeeping.  I felt a certain pleasure in doing my chores.  Weird!

It sure sounds like I did a lot today.  I did, compared to my usual slothful ways.  Sheba and I even went to the park after lunch and then stopped at the library on the way home.  The secret for me is tiny steps and small varied chores….a little of this and a little of that.  They add up big.

I’m not saying it was easy, but I’m not saying it was hard either.  Throughout the day, I felt moments of blueness, anxiety, fatigue.  I took a break in those moments for a cup of tea, a handful of walnuts, an avocado.  I laid on the floor and did some stretching and meditation.  I’m not at all flexible.  My mind wanders.  So what?

PRACTICE MAKES BETTER.

And my mood waxes and wanes…the blueness and anxiety.  They are fleeting, but I resist the need for conversation, company and comfort.  Sometimes you need to spend time with yourself…to wrestle with your demons or to talk with the angels.  You cannot share everything.  You have to save something for yourself.

BUSTING OUT OF MY WET PAPER BAG

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Today is one of those chilly, grey late autumn days in Saskatchewan.  It is the kind of weather that I wouldn’t be able to find my way out of a wet paper bag, never mind traveling to the other side of the world,  if I didn’t set my mind to it.  Hmmm, I think I just got a light bulb moment!  I need to keep on setting my intentions – programing myself to do.

Sometimes I find the greyness seeping into my brain.  Sometimes, often it is difficult to get new ideas, do anything new.  You get into this rut of doing the same thing, eating the same meals, over and over.  You are so tire of it, but still CAN’T change.  Well, darn it all, there must be a way!

So this morning, I cooked a pot of steel cut oats and quinoa.  I threw in some diced ham.  It simmered on top of the stove while I read my mail and listened to Tara Brach and her wise and humorous Buddhist teachings.  It was very comforting and soothing way to start the day.  I was feeding my body and my soul.

As I made tea, my body said it needed a little more than just a bowl of porridge.  I needed another taste, another texture.  I cooked a soft-boiled egg.  It was PERFECT.  There was no denying it.  It was so soft and smooth and I was just delighted by it.  I am sure my endorphins got a huge kick start.

I am accounting and remembering, the greyness, my moods, my difficult spots, the things I do.  I am remembering the feelings and sensations of what works to bring me back to the center of the earth.