Tag Archives: life

MOTHER’S DAY, A WEEK IN REVIEW

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My mother with her brother and his family in New York Botanical Garden many years ago

It’s day 9 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge and Mother’s Day. I fret alot on each holiday occasion. I suppose many do, too, now that we can’t gather as before to celebrate and share a meal. It’s especially difficult when your parents are elderly. The sharing of companionship and a meal are more meaningful than gifts. I weigh the pros and cons of how to do’s and made a choice. In early April, things were looking hopeful in terms of weather and low cases of Covid-19. I thought it would be good to have my parents over for lunch and have a look at the greenhouse and the raised beds. Things change.

The weather is not as nice – windy and cool. Covid numbers not better. My sister wants to bring them lunch for Mother’s day. My brother taking them Sunday supper. So I delivered Chinese take-out for them yesterday along with some specific groceries my mother wanted. She seemed quite happy with our delivery and that also made me happy. We can have them over later in the season. It will be warmer and the garden in full swing. The yard will be neater then as we are still in the process of building a shed and garden beds around it and the greenhouse.

I AM learning to be more decisive and go with the flow. I’m not stressing myself as much, therefore feeling more at ease. Tension is wearing and takes up time. I am in small ways spending less time doing useless scrolling on the phone. Those ’empty’ times are uncomfortable. My hands have been always engaged in some activity. It will take some practice and awareness NOT to reach for the phone. It robs my concentration ability. I find it hard now to read anything and make sense of what I’m reading. I would have to read a paragraph over again. It’s one of the things I am working on. So I do it for short periods, reading slowly for it to sink in.

I thought I had more thoughts but they seemed to have disappeared. It is enough for one day. I am feeling somewhat spent after repotting 10 house plants. It was much needed and long overdued. It was not a difficult physical job. Rather it was a brain thing. I couldn’t rally myself till today but I finally got the job done. Hooray for me.

MAKING DECISIONS

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I hate making decisions. It is perhaps one of my biggest time wasters. I fret over the smallest things like choosing from the menu. It takes away some of the pleasure of the dining occasion. Then there’s the decision of when and where and phoning people. Is it a good time? Would they like to hear from me? I guess it’s the fear of rejection. Even though I hate all of this deciding, I do reach the end point. I feel the obligation of doing my duty and also my best. Okay, this is what I’ve decided and I will do it. It does cost me alot of time and energy.

It’s a little shameful that I’m still struggling with this but at least I’ve said it out loud and in print. I should have done it sooner but it is the hardest, admitting this to myself. However, not voicing the problem prolongs it. It’s like the elephant in the room. It lurks in my being all the time, robbing me time, energy and ease. It is silly to agonize over every decision, wanting to make the best, perfect choice. I know now that there is no such thing as THE ONE right choice, decision, answer. I feel so much better. I’m not so weighed down with questions of:

  • Have I done the right thing?
  • Did I do enough?
  • Could I have done better?
  • Should I have chosen another restaurant/person/etc?

I am sure I will have days of indecision again but I will remember this working out of things. It will cut short the fretting and worrying and I can move on. I am pleased with my progress on this day 8 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

LOVE HAS NO EXPIRY DATE

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Morning has broken like the first morning again. Sunshine coming through the clouds as I sit here tapping out the words. I hope they will flow smoothly. I was sitting thus yesterday when we got a surprise visit from a friend and his dog. I was a little confused at first. With his mask on, he looked exactly like the guy. He was coming up the deck stairs. I was face to face with him through the window. He held up his coffee from Robin’s Doughnuts and I wondered why he went out and bought me a coffee. And how did he get out without me noticing. All this must have flashed across my face. He pulled down his mask. That’s when I noticed Mabel, the dog.

Ir was a beautiful sunny morning. The guys had a good visit outside. I got to play with Mabel. She’s friendly and energetic, alot like Sheba. She was better behaved though, not running off. Perhaps it was because she had a better trainer/owner. We had a little walk down the back alley, Mabel sniffing and smelling everything. I was surprised by how familiar and comforting it felt. I was surprised by the softening and opening of my heart, by the joy that rushed in. In 9 days it will be a year since Sheba’s departed this earthly world. Love has no expiry date. It was good to experience it again – unconditional love.

I’m misty eyed by the memories and feelings. They’re happy, soft and loving ones. They’re thoughts to nourish and sustain one through the not so easy days. Sheba and I had 14 years of loving, adventures and learning together. I couldn’t ask for more. I believe in the words from Tennyson:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

MAKING TIME, FINDING EASE

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Before the day gets away on me, let me sit and make some peace and quiet for myself. Though I did sit in meditation with Tara Brach this morning, my mind is going every which way. It is scampering about like a rat in a cage. It’s thinking about things neglected, things to do. It is not restful, staying in place to inhale and exhale. So I must slow tap to bring all the thinking to a grinding halt. This is the way to creating time, space and ease for myself.

That is better. Breathing in and out, tapping deliberately on each key. My thoughts are slowing down. What is not done now or today can be done later and tomorrow. There is no urgency here except to save myself. I can stop the conveyor belt of useless and habitual thinking and get off. There are no musts here except that I must be like the water. That is, I must be flexible and change with the times and circumstances.

Oh, I am wrong after all. There are a few other musts. I must be more disciplined and not let the Internet hook me so much. I have to ask myself:

  • Do I really need to know about this or that?
  • Don’t I not already have knowledge of this already?

Even these 2 simple questions could cut down time googling for information. I do believe that the scrolling is a just a bad addictive habit for me. All the scrolling has led me to feel uncomfortable with my hands and mind idle. Idleness can be a healthy rest, a spa from our frantic world. I used to be very good at lounging, enjoying morning toast with jam and tea. I never knew how good I had it. Nowadays, I’m always busy – thinking, reading, listening, planting…..There’s nothing wrong with it but I am also unable to concentrate, read for long, know what I am reading, listen and really hear. AND I find it very difficult to edit my posts. If you find some parts of my posts difficult to understand, this is the reason why.

P.S. I’ve made a concerted effort in editing this post.

KEEPING IT SIMPLE

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Day 5 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m happy for these early sunny mornings. I’m on alert not to let my thoughts wander and meander into weedy patches. Sometimes it is hard to stay focus and stay on track. My main goal for this month is to find more time and ease for myself. That doesn’t mean lolling around but time better spent. That means being more mindful in the moment, not letting mindless scrolling through the Internet and not mindless fretting over things that I have no control over.

Some days are more successful than others. I need not to fret over the not so successful days and be grateful when I do feel the flow. I just have to let go of the moment as it passes and move and groove with it. How am doing so far today? Better, I say. I’m here already, tapping out the words. I’ve been interrupted by the guy looking for boxes to put seed potatoes in to chit. Chitting potatoes is a new term we’ve learned this year. As usual when you don’t need a thing, there’s plenty around and when you need it, there’s none.

I took the time to go downstairs to look for some. I found two with stuff we no longer need. In the process of moving and freeing them, I discovered a whole pile of dust. It was staring right at me. I decided the right thing to do was to deal with things needing doing in the moment. It’s dealt with. More clean space. It’s what I need to do with my head, too – clear what is not needed and clean the space, filling it with things that nourish. It is that simple. It will create more time and ease.

FILLING MY BUCKET

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No two days and mornings are the same. I’m not the same any two days. I want to be full of vim and vinegar every day. I want to bounce out of bed every morning with joie de vivre. It’s not that I got out on the wrong side this morning. Not at all. I felt quite alright but then felt stuck after breakfast. I was very annoyed but somehow there was no flow. I felt the stagnancy and meaningless of things. Is it a by product of Covid-19? I’m tired of all the related news of numbers, cases, deaths, vaccines, anti-maskers, conspiracy theories. Round and round in endless circles.

Forgive me. I am just ranting, letting off steam. My brain got into a glitch. It got a little derailed. I was thinking too much. Nothing and everything changes at the same time. I wonder why that is. Enough thinking already. When there is no flow, I have to work to create it. Instead of sinking into despondency, I can make a gratitude list. Instead of thinking of what I don’t have, I can think of what I have. I can make a list of what I have done instead of feeling lazy and useless. I can fill my bucket with happy thoughts and moments. I can change my thoughts, therefore my feelings.

I can make it simple. It doesn’t have to be complicated. It’s a practice of pushing forward and onward for this 4th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Today I am grateful for:

  • a sunny warmer day
  • I had a good night’s sleep
  • that I am healthy
  • I have a nice home
  • I have a greenhouse
  • I have food on the table

This is what I have done today:

  • clean and dusted everything in the bedroom
  • did a load of laundry
  • made lunch and wash the dishes
  • transplanted kohlrabi seedlings into bigger pots
  • seeded a tray of peas
  • Water all the plants in the greenhouse and beds
  • read a few pages in With God in Russia
  • did my exercise routine with hula hoop
  • writing this post

INSPIRATION FROM A JESUIT IN RUSSIA

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It’s almost 4 in the afternoon. I’ve just sat down with my instant coffee. What I would like to do is have a little snack and watch an episode of Miss Marple. The trouble is I’ve signed up for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have a blog post to write. This is only day 3. Too early to skip out. I can keep it simple though. AND this is the start of the 3rd week of cutting back on food. A little snack here and there adds up. I like to make a serious effort for a month and make an assessment of how to proceed.

I didn’t forget my online class this morning like I did last week. It was the last one on the rise and fall of Mussolini. History is very interesting and Mussolini is a fascinating man. I am sure that there is so much more to learn than what can be covered in 8 2-hour classes. I’m learning about another fascinating though not as widely known man in history. He is Fr. Walter Cisek. He was an American Jesuit priest who spent 23 years in the Soviet Union. 18 of those years were as a prisoner and 15 of those years in the labour camps of Siberia.

I’m not quite halfway through his book, With God in Russia. It was a recommendation from Caroline Myss. She talks about it on many of her lectures. I knew it was a must read for me. I had reserved it from our library. It took almost a year for me to finally get it. And I would say that it came at a most apporpriate time. Talk about faith, challenges and strength. I think it would be a good read for those anti-maskers and covid deniers. I like to hear them talk about how the government is trying to take away their freedom after they have read the book.

Now I have to have a little snack. I feel a sugar low coming. I would not fare well in a labour camp. Who knows though until I find myself in that situation. Fr. Cisek himself admitted that he was a hoodlum and a bully when he was young. Then he got the call and he answered it and never wavered, not even for a second. Not even as a prisoner in Russia. I have heard a similar call a few years back. I answered, too and have kept faith in my own way. But I do have a lot to learn from Fr. Cisek.

NOW THE MIDDLE

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I used to write flash fiction on Friday Fictioneers. It’s a writing challenge presented by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. It’s a story of a 100 words to a photo prompt. My purpose in doing it was to hone my writing skill, to say what I need to without excessive words. Each story had a beginning, a middle and an ending. Each part has equal importance and equal difficulty. Now that I’ve made a beginning, let me see if I can sustain the middle. Maybe by the end, I will haved honed my living skills to a T.

Online challenges are easy to start for me because I choose the ones I like. For the most part, I have completed most of them. Right now I am a little behind with the100dayproject of sewing a quilt block a day. I made up a bit with 2 blocks this morning. Since I’m trying to divorce myself from my iPhone, I left it upstairs. I got over an hour of uninterrupted sewing. That’s one way of freeing myself from that appendage for awhile. It is not an easy task. I get phantom pains. It doesn’t help that I’ve joined a greenhouse and garden online group. It’s a double edged sword. On one hand it is nice to connect, learn and share experiences with other greenhouse gardeners. On the other, it’s distracting and time consuming.

Well, it is almost lunch time. Another beautiful though not as warm day. It’s crazy that it got up to 25℃ yesterday and today’s high is only 11℃. The lows Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday are all in the minuses. I’m become very observant of our temperatures since we got the greenhouse. I wonder if it was so erratic other years. I’m feeling more concern about the future of our planet. However, I shall try not to feel hopeless and despondent about the future. I know I am doing my best to lighten my carbon footprint on this earth.

FIRST DAYS

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A beautiful morning for the first of May and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve been writing for it for quite a few years now but the first day is always an exciting time. It’s a chance to begin anew and to do better. Though my goal is to post every day, there might be days when it won’t happen. I will give it my best. I’ve set other goals for the month also. They have to do with giving myself more time to savour and enjoy. I’ve been running on empty on that account. There’s goal setting and setting goals. I’ve been on the to ‘accomplish’ these days. I seldom just do nothing. There’s that gadget I’m attached to. It’s like an appendage – the smartphone.

It does not allow me much rest time. They, whoever they are, are very smart at getting me and otheres addicted. I want to get free of this. I am sure that it adds to my forgetfulness and inattentiveness. I no longer feel like I need to remember anything. I can google for anything, right? Yes, I do google alot, but I’m finding that my memory muscle as well as my attention muscle are shot. It’s hard for me to retain anything. I do worry about Alzheimer’s. It’s a reason for me to be proactive now to detach myself a little from the phone and Iternet. Moderation in everything is the best advice.

I’m hoping that my writing every day here will help. I shall have to set aside this time to sit, rest and think about my words. They can open doors to many new and adventurous things. When I am busy doing, doing and doing, I have no opportunity to stand back and assesse. Am I enjoying what I am doing? Does it add to my life? What purpose does it serve? If I stop, what would happen? Enough questions to think about. It is early evening by now. I have been busy doing and doing all afternoon. It was enjoyable and needed doing. That I can tell you.

DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF

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It’s a bit strange to wake up to +8℃ temperature after all the cool nights and mornings. I’ll take it though. It is the last day in April. I’ve signed up for the May Ultimate Blog Challenge. We (try)write a post a day and share it on the Page. I’m all for connecting and sharing and learning from each other. Lately, I’m finding that we have lost the art and gift of conversation. I am speaking for myself only. I feel that I am in the land of the one hand clapping. Do you know what I mean?

What I mean is that though we are living in this era of social media and technology, I find it harder and harder to be social, communicate and connect. I clap but no one hears. There is no answering echo. Everyone is waiting for everyone else to respond. Maybe it is that I live in my head too much, thinking too much and seeing erroneously. I hope that is the case. I can correct my wandering thoughts and incorrectness. I can send an answering clap.

It is always good to have something to work on. I am not a know-it-all. I am never too old to learn something new. I’m learning that and the true meaning of don’t sweat the small stuff from gardening. This year was the first time I’m germinating seeds between wet paper towel and putting them in the oven with just the light on. This works really well, especially for all kinds of squashes – in 2 to 3 days. Then there were those not so fresh seeds that didn’t work. I give up after a week of damp towelling in a baggy and in the oven. I do take them out of the oven but as usual I leave them laying around. So days, maybe weeks later, when I finally got around to disposing of them, I found that they had germinated!

It was a great learning experience. First, it taught me to be patient. All good things will come in time. Second, it taught me not to sweat the small stuff. It’s all small stuff. Third, I will start my seedlings by germinating seeds this way from now on. It is not even necessary to put them in the oven. I think it will save me space and time. When things don’t work out one way, it opens up new avenues. Walking away from things that won’t work is not giving up. It’s being wise. It saves time in not trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It will mean less head banging and frustrations and more fulfillment. Learning new ways is not easy or fast. I will dedicate the month of the May Ultimate Blog Challenge to that theme.