THE GREAT PAUSE

Posted on August 7, 2013 by hafong

I’m feeling like a fetus in the womb, warm and safe. And I am not ready to come out any time soon. And if I could sing, I would croon myself a lullaby .. to send me off to dreamland. Hushabye, don’t you cry….

It is alright. I can cry even if I am a big girl. It’s a sign of being human, vulnerable and brave. And it is some sort of rites of passage. I would want to mark it in some sort of way, even if it is in some sort of paralysis.

I have forgotten that I am a living organism of cells and protoplasm. I am made of energy. I breathe, feel and react. I have lived years in the world according to rules, regulations and protocols. Now all that is switched off. How shall I live then?

Now is a good time to pause, to let all the tremors, doubts, fears and other bogeymen run through my body. Let them come, one by one. Let them sweep me clean of all malevolence. Let me get to know the woman who is still in me…..the woman of hope, joy, laughter, love……waiting to be born again.

SUNRISE, SUNSET

Posted on August 6, 2013 by hafong

Not much sun this morning. There was no sun at all. I wondered if the sun still rises on mornings like these. But still, I felt and saw the sun in my mind’s eye as I did my opening qigong move to the sunrise. I knew that somewhere behind the clouds and mist, the sun was rising and I greeted it to start the day.

Hello day! You are here for me to fill as I desire. It does not matter that it is cloudy. It is still a gift of time to be well spent in whatever it is that pleases me. And so I breathe in and I breathe out. I open my arms to the sky. I feel the energy flowing through me. And all is copacetic.

I try to mix the order of my movements between the sunrise and sunset. Being such a creature of habit, it is not so easy. There is such a sense of discomfort and resistance. I breathe in and out and continue to find order within my disorder. Such is life. There is so much chaos and it is I who must remain calm and constant.

I came to rest at the sunset, crossing and opening my arms to the sky. I held the ball of chi in my hands and stepped back in honour and bowed to the ancestors.

THE DESERT REVISITED

Posted on August 1, 2013 by hafong

I am in the desert again. Only this time it is not of my choosing, nor is it Lent. But that is how life is. Sometimes we don’t get to choose.

My fingertips had been silent these last days. No relief to be had from the tapping on the keyboard. And so I remained till now.

You cannot force these things. You cannot speak against your will. And so I remain silent, ever hopeful to find my way out of the desert. Now I see a glimmer of the passage out. And I am ever so grateful…to find my voice again and to feel the ground beneath my feet.

I am happy to leave the desert. I have suffered and endured, but it has also been time well spent learning the lessons of the desert.

CINNAMON SUNDAY

Posted on July 21, 2013 by hafong

It is Sunday. The sun just decided to come out. Hooray! Better late than not at all.

The house is bathed with aromas of fresh baked cinnamon buns. Sometimes they can chase away the shadows of a cloudy rainy day. Sheba is barking up a storm. She gets to go outside. It’s wonderful to enjoy the aroma and sunshine in the quiet. Life does not need to be complicated or hard.

I sit in joy of this moment, breathing in the aroma of my baking, taking pride of my creativity and steadfastness. Life is good.

SATURDAY

Posted on July 20, 2013 by hafong

Saturday. The laundry is washed, dried, folded and put away. My bread is in the oven. Sheba is underfoot, of course. I send her out with a bone. She is happy. Life does not need to be hard.

That is what I am learning today. Life does not have to be hard. You put one foot in front of the other. You take a step. You reach out, if you can, and touch someone. You breathe in and out. You stay and live in this moment because that is all that is open to you. And it is good….living in the moment.

TRUE CONFESSIONS

Posted on July 15, 2013 by hafong

I have to confess that I am having a difficult time with everything lately. Perhaps it is because I am right on the cusp of RETIREMENT. My life is going to change. The word CHANGE is enough to scare the beejees out of anyone. Maybe I need to change the way I talk to myself….the things I tell myself, the words I use.

Then, there is the weather. I am sure that I can feel every drop in the atmospheric pressure. I feel every shadow of each cloud as they pass over the sun. It is no fun to feel your heart in your mouth. I think I would prefer my foot. Well, I can still joke. That is something.

So this guy suggest that I surround myself with white light. Then I could enjoy whatever energy is around. That is a lovely thought…to enjoy whatever there is. It is what I try to do when I embrace heavenly chi. I hold this protective shield around me. Seeing it in my mind’s eye makes me feel better already. Letting the words fall from my fingers eases the fear. Sometimes I drop out and nap like Sheba if I can. Escapism is not a bad thing.

Vulnerability is not a bad thing either. How else can God know what you need if you don’t tell? I know he is all knowing and all that, but he is a busy fellow. He has a large flock. Sometimes all he needs is a whisper. Other times you have to scream. OVER HERE, GOD!

Screaming definitely makes me feel better, even if it is only in print. It releases my stagnant chi. My chest is relaxed and I can breathe. Maybe now I can find that notice to renew my license plate. It is due tomorrow. I will find it. I am not behind. I have time. Sit, stay and dine. Everything is copacetic.

MY RESTLESS SPIRIT

Posted on July 10, 2013 by hafong

So what do you do when you are as restless as a bunch of puppies? You do this. You do that. You are about as successful as they are trying to get on a too high a deck. You get nowhere except more restless.

So I talk to myself. Settle. STAY. I pour myself a glass of wine. I sit before my keyboard. I tap and tap. Relief is near. Order comes. Have you ever felt this way? I know that I can’t be the only one. What do you do when you feel like this?

I know that this is not the time to balance my bank account or pay the bills. This is not the time to look for objects misplaced or lost. It would only make things worse. Talking about it with other people seldom works because they cannot feel what you feel. Maybe that is why tapping out the words helps me. It gives me validation. And the tapping of the keyboard is rhythmic.

Physical comfort helps. The AC is on. I like to blame everything on the weather. I am sure the barometric pressure affects us. I am not going to take all the blame myself. I have to be kind to me, for who else knows what I need? Above all, I need my own special kind of humour to weather life’s slings and arrows. If I don’t have that armor, I could be seriously wounded.

I’m missing my guy. He’s out somewhere on some lake in his sailboat doing a man’s thing with a couple of other guys. Sheba is missing him, too. We will go out for a long walk to soothe our restlessness. With luck and phone reception, we might hear from him.

THE CALM AMID THE CHAOS

Posted on July 9, 2013 by hafong

I was awake this morning before dawn. Some of you must know of these early awakenings. I tried and tried to fall back to sleep but cannot. So I tried to stay and be content. But I cannot.

So I rose, made myself a cup of tea and watched the first amber glow of the day in the sunroom. I made peace with my feelings. I made friends with my ghosts. We drank tea together. I sat and stayed. I breathed.

The morning came. I did my 18 heavenly moves. I surrounded myself with divine chi. I felt its warmth protecting me. Calmness came amid my mind’s chaos.

There is power in movement, in the doing, first one limb, then another. The cobwebs and ghosts leave with the sunlight. First one, then another, to have tea or maybe lunch at Somewhere Else. They will probably come back another day. I will let them come. I will set the table. I will use my fine china and we will honour each other. Namaste!

ORDERLY ORDER

Posted on July 8, 2013 by hafong

Order is in the order for me today. I rise, stretch and do my 18 heavenly qigong moves to the sunrise. It is so fresh and still in the early morning. I have to thank Sheba for rousing me out of bed. She is quite insistent. Get up! Feed me!

And so I did. And so starts another day. I breathed and moved in the light of the rising sun. I felt my breath slowing down, saw the robin on the fence and heard the stillness of the universe. My breath deepened and my heart stopped its fluttering, my eyelids dropped.

All is copacetic. I am relaxed and in the flow. I feel the order within me. I am not behind. I have time…to put one foot in front of the other, to do one thing at a time, to walk and not run. I have time to breathe, to stay here now, at this time, to be with me.

I am taking miniscule steps towards order, finding places for things, finding pleasure in the doing, finding kindness for myself. And I am grateful.

EMBRACING HEAVENLY CHI

Posted on July 7, 2013 by hafong

The skies are grey this morning but at least the air is not as heavy. Funny how heavy the grey can sit on your shoulders, pressing you down. Funny how old feelings can come washing back over you and then you realize how important it is to be in the now of time and to live and create new feelings in the present moment.

I did my qigong routine from memory, all the 18 movements. Practice did make perfect in this incident. I breathed in and out, visualizing the sunrise, feeling the calm and the beginning of a new day…pushing out the chaos of my mind. And the sun came, uncertainly at first, darting in and out of the clouds. I raised my arms, embracing heavenly chi. It formed a protective shield around me. And I knew that all is copacetic.

Breakfast is done. The dishes put away. The day and life begins again, however where or how I am. I do not want to wait for all my ducks to be in a row. That day may never come or if it does, it will not stay. I have time and I am not behind but I do not choose to wait. There is no pleasure in the contemplation of perfection but it is satisfying to move, to do and make progress, even if it is only an inch.

I am pretending I am the new FlyLady, buzzing around with my purple duster, putting things in order, not obsessing, just doing. I am surprised to feel joy in the doing, in the folding, in the putting away…..There is comfort in the cleaning and drying, in the smoothing and folding and putting things away. It is almost like finding the heart in myself again.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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