It’s a cool cloudy foggy/smoky August 23rd. Yikes! Summer is almost over. It certainly feels like autumn this morning. My body and mind are certainly confused by our sudden dips and climbs in temperature. It was only 2 days ago that we had been having blistering hot 30+℃ temperatures. I was at our community garden watering our plot in the heat of the afternoon. I was careful to don my big brim hat and long sleeved work shirt. I harvested a few tomatoes, a cabbage and my Georgian Candy squash. The Georgian Candy was new to me. I was attracted by the description as ‘heirloom’ in the seed catalogue. There was no picture of it. I had expected it to look like a squash. I was pleasantly surprised by its unusual appearance.
August 31. It seems like a long while since I was here but it was only 8 days ago. I left without finishing the conversation. I don’t know if I can pick up where I left off. I feel bereft of words, desire and ambition of late. I don’t know how to get them back. Nothing seems important any more. I feel somewhat jaded. I’m kept afloat by good habits I’ve developed over the years. I guess I do have some cares yet. I’m just tired by the heat. Today is hot as hell.
Sept. 8. Darn, another 8 days have passed. Much has happened in my silence. The Queen died today. I can’t say that I am emotional about it but I have to say she was a great dame. She worked and performed well right to the end. It is really quite remarkable. And now Charles will get to be king. He is the King. And Camilla is named Queen Consort with Elizabeth’s blessings. How wonderful is that? Meanwhile in the Commonwealth of Canada and in our province of Saskatchewan, all have not been well. We are reeling from a Labour Day weekend of violence and deaths. True, it did not happen to me or many personally but I am sure we all are affected. ‘What is in one is in the whole.’ Words by Caroline Myss.
Sept. 9th. I think I am losing my memory and a lot of my mojos. I’ve been late paying my bills the last couple of months and finding my words and the love of them are a bit difficult. I hope what we all fear the most is not on the horizon – dementia. There! I’ve said it out loud. I will have to pay more attention and be more present. I’ve been distracted in many directions.
Sept. 10th. My mind and memory are not any sharper today. I’m one day ahead of myself, thinking today is the 11th until I was alerted otherwise by Facebook. Egad! I am in a muddle, having just come back picking up my prescription from a new pharmacy. Even with Googles map and been there once, I got lost. We don’t have too many roundabouts in Saskatoon. I don’t have to navigate one too often. When I do, I get into a dither about exits. As a result, I keep exiting from the wrong one. Thus I’m directed back by Google and spent many minutes driving round and round. I’m trying hard not to waste more time and energy distressing about it. It is what it is.
I still haven’t got all my bills straightened straightened out but have set up a monthly alert to pay them. My big ones are taken care of so late fees on remaining ones will be minimal. I am at least prioritizing. I was hoping to do some tomato saucing today but it took me longer to vacuum the floors than I had planned. I will close out here, get the dishes out of the way and head outside to harvest more tomatoes and cleared up some of the beds. It will give me a sense of accomplishment. I will do better tomorrow and tomorrow after that. I need to pull myself up by the bootstrap. My inner and outer chaos is driving me crazy.
It’s Sunday morning coming down again. Sundays always remind me of Kris Kristofferson’s song and days of my youth. I’ve never had those kind of mornings, not that I could remember anyways. Wait, there was a time way back in my first year of university. It was on my roommate’s birthday. We decided to celebrate everyone’s birthday. She got hold of a 26 of something and we caught the bus downtown to see the movie, The Best House in London. It really didn’t take too much to put me in a whooze. I don’t remember a thing about the movie. We had to leave as I was feeling sick. We caught the bus back to our boarding house. By then I was feeling better but my roommate had passed out. The bus driver and a guy from my history class carried her off and set her under a tree in front.
A sunnywindy and cooler morning. It was -1℃ when I got up at 6:30. It was about 6.8℃ in the greenhouse. It has warmed to 0 and 9.5℃ respectively. It is a little after 10 am. I won’t uncover things yet. I’m hoping that I haven’t overwatered my seedings yesterday. They might rot instead of sprout. That’s what happens when you watched or read too much about how to seed. I get mixed up. When things are working well enough, leave them alone.
I’ve been paying attention to my talk/tap, my gripe on my chaos and disorganization. I’ve talked about all that forever and a day but have I done anything about it? I have a bit here and there. Then I fall off the wagon and seldom get back on. I did climb back this morning. Now, I have to climb back as soon as I fall off. Failures like everything else can get addictive. I am an addictive person. I have to pay attention that I don’t get hooked. Too much of a good/bad thing is not good for me.
I seem in live in such chaos though I try so hard for order. Maybe it is only so in my head. I was in such a fluster this morning when I couldn’t find my cheque book. Now if I would only get my shit together and take the time and trouble to get organized, I could be more tranquil. Easier said than done though, right? Not really. I recognize my problem, moan and groan about it but I don’t make a physical move to rectify it. But I did find my cheque book, made it out and mailed it. I could learn how to use E-Transfer in the future and dispense with the cheques altogether.
It is afternoon, 4:50 pm to be exact. Not the best time of the day for me. I have prioritize and got the important things done first. Morning walk with the mister to the mall up the street. I got the said cheque mailed, bought soy sauce, yogurt, vitamins and sunblock. I was tired by the time we got home. Walking seemed to use a different set of leg muscles than skiing. I was unpacking my bag and looking forward to my second cup of tea when I noticed I was missing the sunblock. Phoning the store, I learned that I had dropped it near the cashier when I was packing it. Darn!
It seemed like a wasted morning walk but I drove to retrieve it. It was so quick and easy. I could see why people/me opted for the easy solution. Heck with walking. I’ll just drive everywhere. Seriously, I was just tired. Walking is good. It’s never wasted. Driving back, I saw a not so young woman carrying 2 bags of groceries and walking home. That shamed and corrected my thinking. Life is hard. It’s good to see people doing the right things.
It’s another beautiful sunny day. The greenhouse was 9.5℃ at 6 am. I think it was 4℃ outside. No need to cover the plants but I don’t trust the weather yet. I seeded a few more things today – Big Beef Tomato, Roma Tomato, some purple sweet pepper and brokali. Seems like I have so many things to sow. I hope I get to reap what I sow. Now It is after 5pm. I better go and cover and close up the greenhouse. Better early rather than late.
The significant question of the day: What does my soul tell me are Divine truths and am I living in harmony with all that I know to be holy truths.
Today is the 5th and final day of my personal online spiritual retreat with Caroline Myss. There’s two more classroom sessions tomorrow and the next day. We were instructed to arrive with no expectations. I had none. At this very moment I can’t really articulate what it is that I have learned or achieved. Wait, I do have one observation. I see or I now admit that all my chaos and distractions have been for the avoidance of facing/answering the difficult questions/situations/truths.
I am sure I am not alone in all of this. It is difficult to face our mortality. It is not death itself that I am afraid of. It is the journey, the process. How will I be able to cope with my mother’s leaving? That has been a possibility the winter before last. I felt as if I had died a thousand deaths of fright that time. It’s only when I accepted that possibility, that the fright passed. It’s much like falling off a tall building. I accepted that I was falling. I could land with a thud. I didn’t. It was a soft landing. My mother proved to be a tough cookie and is holding her own.
I hope I am stronger for the next round. I feel I am. I am standing tall, trying to face the truths of this life. They are the same for everyone. We are born, we live and we die. There’s no getting around that. But I do believe in a force greater than ourselves. I draw my strength from that. I’m feeling my ancestors blood in me. I’m hearing my grandmother’s voice. There is a Tian/heaven, she cried when she was imprisoned by the Communist in China. My grandmother survived having to kneel on gravel, having cold water poured over her head and people throw angry words and stones at her. I come from good stock.
I know right and wrong. I have always tried to walk the higher path. I am not sure that I have always succeeded. It is difficult to make the hard choices but I do. It is my nature. I cannot do otherwise. How else would I know if it’s worth it if I don’t make those choices?Life is hard. I suffer for it. We all suffer. What would life be without a hitch? It would be a big yawn, would it not?
I’m not sure if I had answered the question of the day. But it is more than enough for now.
The rain continues to come down. I continue to venture forth into the Universe to feed myself, for no woman is an island unto herself. She cannot be nurtured and grow without any outside forces. Within, she will dwindle and wither and become as insignificant as she already feels.
The world is noisy and chaotic. But it is where we all want to be because the chaos and noise are just as bad inside ourselves. It is safer and more comfortable to experience it on the outside. I rather say it is because of ‘THEM” and it is “OUT THERE” than blame myself and that the fault lies within me. Wouldn’t you?
But I did find quiet corners within the maddening crowd. I was not quite an island but still felt safe enough. The chaos and noise were on my periphery. They worked as a shield to protect me from myself. I was insignificant and yet not diminutive. I still had power. I was Wonder Woman once.
I could be again. Where are my bracelets and lasso?
I was awake this morning before dawn. Some of you must know of these early awakenings. I tried and tried to fall back to sleep but cannot. So I tried to stay and be content. But I cannot.
So I rose, made myself a cup of tea and watched the first amber glow of the day in the sunroom. I made peace with my feelings. I made friends with my ghosts. We drank tea together. I sat and stayed. I breathed.
The morning came. I did my 18 heavenly moves. I surrounded myself with divine chi. I felt its warmth protecting me. Calmness came amid my mind’s chaos.
There is power in movement, in the doing, first one limb, then another. The cobwebs and ghosts leave with the sunlight. First one, then another, to have tea or maybe lunch at Somewhere Else. They will probably come back another day. I will let them come. I will set the table. I will use my fine china and we will honour each other. Namaste!