restlessness

BURNING THE MIDNIGHT OIL

It is another sleepless night. Somehow I knew it was too easy. It’s only a little over a week since Sheba’s developed her ear hematoma. Two trips to the dog ER to get it drained 21 cc and 11 cc respectively. A followup 2-3 days later resulted in 5 cc drained. All of this has been very draining for all us, humans and canine. Sheba already had a bit of sundowning just before all this happened. Since, the nights have been worse. So the vet suggested a short course of trazodone. It would chill and help her recovery from her ear traumas. It all sounded wonderful but wasn’t. The first day, the trazodone knocked her out. Her legs didn’t really work well. When she was awake, she would pace like a stoned dog. So I decreased her dose a little. Whereas she was restless only at night, she became restless day and night. Our nerves were raw from her ceaseless pacing and banging into things with her head cone.

If something doesn’t work, why keep doing it? After 4 days on the trazodone, I stopped it. Sheba slowly became more her old self during the day. She would lay down on her pillows by herself. Hope was on the horizon. We leased her to the piano leg at night so she could not pace and bang around. We need some sleep. It worked last night. We all slept in till 8 in the morning. Hallelujah, right?

Today’s or rather yesterday’s vet checkup showed that she does have an ear infection. A good reason to rejoice. There was a cause , therefore an end to all this misery we’re going through. We were jubilant and came home armed with earwash, antibiotic eardrops and oral antibiotics. Earlier in the day my order of melatonin for Sheba and some for me came. I dosed us each with 3 mg. All was well. Sheba settled and relaxed on her pillow. Then it was bedtime. I took Sheba out for her business.

The disappointment was keen. But at least I had 2 hours of sleep when I woke and heard her panting. Perhaps I should have ignored her but I was never good at it. She gets more stressed and worked up. Then she starts barking. Yes, she is a smart dog. She knows how to get attention. But she is 13 and has an infection. Human elders with infection do the same. So here I am, sitting on the stool beside her. I’m tap, tapping away, hoping for a better day. It is almost 4 am. She is at least relaxed and laying down.

Things feel very difficult at times but they are getting better. Her ear has stopped bleeding. Surgery is not needed. The underlying cause has been discovered. Treatment has started. Nothing is easy nor simple. Hope her night time anxiety and restless with improve with melatonin increased omega 3’s. I am doing fairly well with all this. When I accept what is, I am less stressed and more at peace with it. This is what we have to do. One day at a time. Sheba deserves the best from me. She has and still is giving me much joy.

 

WHO HAS SEEN THE WIND

IMG_0611Today is one of those incredibly beautiful looking days with the sky so blue and the sun so bright.  Even though it is windy, cool and no green visible, you JUST know that spring is around the corner.

IMG_0616Today is also one of those hair-raising days.  There is really nothing wrong, but then you feel that nothing is right either.  I can’t even take a proper ‘selfie’ where I come out looking dead gorgeous.  I look like myself.  It’s what one wants, right?  Yea, right!

Maybe it is just the wind making me restless.  We are famous for that, the wind, that is.  There’s a book written about the wind on the prairies, W. O. Mitchell’s Who Has Seen the Wind.  There’s even a movie made based on the book.  The wind certainly can unsettle me.  There’s nothing to do except bear with this restlessness and remember that, this, too shall pass.

IMG_0617In the meantime I have put this restless energy into motion.  I transplanted the kohlrabi seedings into bigger pots and fertilized the other bedding plants.  I will be ready when the weather warms up.  I will not be behind.  Then I took myself for a walk.  Sheba watched me leave.  Her expression said:  What’s happening?  Just time out, that’s all.

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MY RESTLESS SPIRIT

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So what do you do when you are as restless as a bunch of puppies?  You do this.  You do that.  You are about as successful as they are trying to get on a too high a deck.  You get nowhere except more restless.

So I talk to myself.  Settle.  STAY.  I pour myself a glass of wine.  I sit before my keyboard.  I tap and tap.  Relief is near.  Order comes.  Have you ever felt this way?  I know that I can’t be the only one.  What do you do when you feel like this?

I know that this is not the time to balance my bank account or pay the bills.  This is not the time to look for objects misplaced or lost.  It would only make things worse.  Talking about it with other people seldom works because they cannot feel what you feel.  Maybe that is why tapping out the words helps me.  It gives me validation.  And the tapping of the keyboard is rhythmic.

Physical comfort helps.  The AC is on.  I like to blame everything on the weather.  I am sure the barometric pressure affects us.  I am not going to take all the blame myself.  I have to be kind to me, for who else knows what I need?  Above all, I need my own special kind of humour to weather life’s slings and arrows.  If I don’t have that armor, I could be seriously wounded.

I’m missing my guy.  He’s out somewhere on some lake in his sailboat doing a man’s thing with a couple of other guys.  Sheba is missing him, too.  We will go out for a long walk to soothe our restlessness.  With luck and phone reception, we might hear from him.

RESTLESSNESS

IMG_4996 I am restless on this 11th day into Lent.  Maybe I should not have drank half a pot of coffee this afternoon.  But that’s what shift workers do…coffee to keep us awake, coffee to perk us up.  Then our hearts pound and we cannot rest nor sleep.  And the circle goes round and round.

I am willing to pay the price.  I am paying it.  But it is not too bad, for here I am tapping out my words in the quiet of the night.  How restful it is!  The noise of the day is gone.  The TV is silent.  Sheba is sleeping in her bed with her comfort toy.

I am thinking too much on things I cannot change, on things not of my own.  I sigh, I fidget and sigh again.  Sometimes there’s no helping it.  There’s nothing one can do.  Things get into my head and take residence.  I am not fighting it.  I am letting things be.  Tomorrow is another day.