Tag Archives: health

What Is Good Enough?

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Photo by Stacey Koenitz on Pexels.com

Three days into the new month and I’m feeling I’m failing in so many ways. I wonder if my lack of sleep last night put a slant on my outlook. What do you do when a thought gets into your head and just won’t let go? In my case, it was a technology puzzle. It kept playing in my head and had me tossing and turning. In the end, I had to get out of bed. I made myself a cup of hot chocolate and warmed up some leftovers. Being upright seemed to reset my buttons. Comfort food warmed my belly and relaxed my being. Sated, I was able to sleep.

I realized that I wasn’t going to lose weight the way things were going. For one thing, I cannot give up the cream in my tea/coffee. I tried using skim milk and it tasted terrible. I don’t want to give up snacks altogether. I love an afternoon muffin/cookie, etc. What joy is there in life without cream and snacks? Perhaps I am making excuses but a life without some joy doesn’t feel inviting. Perhaps I have to evaluate my goals and decide what is good enough.

I don’t think I am too terribly overweight. I am not obese by any stretch of imagination. I will change my focus on losing weight to keeping fit and happy, whatever that takes. Right now my goal is taking off a little belly fat. It would be a boost to my self image and health to lose that bulge. For me, it is easier to add more motion and activities than to cut out cream and snacks. What do you think?

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BAD HABITS DIE HARD

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November 1, a new month, a new day. Where am I? I am still lost in the midst of my chaos and clutter. I haven’t given up. I worked myself out of acedia in the month of October. Now that I am no longer wallowing in apathy, I am interested and energized in working my way into some kind of order and clarity. It is not easy as you might have guessed. I have vacuumed the kitchen, dining room and the sunroom. I did it in spurts of starts and stops.

I am in the stop phase, now nursing a cup of decaf. It’s my usual fall-back-on habit so it takes me a long time to do a chore. Bad habits die hard and very slowly. After years and years of this, it is very, very hard to correct. I have to be patient and kind with myself. I have made a start. I have acknowledged my wayward ways. I am dedicating November to work on sorting my paper clutter. This does not mean giving up my other goals of losing weight and piecing my log cabin squares together into a quilt.

My weight loss is nil to minimum. I could lose 1/2 pound one day and gain a pound the next. It is a bit discouraging. I am focusing on staying fit and getting stronger and more flexible. I am focusing on increasing my aerobic workout and maintaining the strength training. I can now do 50 skips at one time jumping rope and run up and down the stairs at the gym 5 times. It’s easier each week. I can aim for 60 skips and 6 times on the stairs on Monday.

I’m piecing 4 quilt squares into a block. I will have 25 blocks in the end. I’m almost there, just 2 blocks left to go. However, I shall stop and have a bit of a rest from everything. My head is buzzing, alerting me that I am over stimulated. I have to drop everything right now.

No Walk in the Park

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Sometimes I wish that the earth would stop spinning so I can step off and get a rest. Life is no walk in the park. I’m complaining again. I’m weary, wishing for a camp, the kind they have for children where I would be entertained and all my cares taken care of. Some smart aleck quipped that it’s called a nursing home. I do not wish for such wherein we lined up, sitting silent and vacant in our wheelchairs. I guess I better stop complaining and keep moving my ass.

I’ve thought of a few changes that I could make to reboot myself. I could lose a few pounds. According to my BMI, I am overweight. I need to lose 17 pounds. Sounds formidable to me. When I was thinking about losing weight the other day, I thought now is not a good time. We are in autumn and my hibernation response is triggered. I want to eat and sleep like a bear. It’s not good thinking. I am making excuses. I need to pull up my socks. I will try even though it is harder. I will cut back the cream and sugar in my coffee and tea. I will move a little more.

Making changes is never a walk in the park. I feel like crying just thinking about it. How many times have I already fallen back into those well worn ruts? Too many to count! There’s no point in shaming myself. It doesn’t work. I will try to visualize what I my successes will be like – as if I’ve achieved them already. Perhaps that is what is meant a vision board. Right now my two wants are to lose 17 pounds and clear my clutter. I am going to create 2 vision boards, one for each want. Wish me luck.

Small bites

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A super grey cool day with drizzles. The drizzles are welcome, no matter how small. They’re much needed moisture. However, the grey and cool are not conducive for cheer and action. I am in a grey slump, not jumping up and down with excitement nor smiling with glee. I am feeling glum and being negative. There is no point in putting on a phony face. I do apologize for my negativity but I thought it is okay to feel not okay and face and accept what is here.

I am not a total ‘loser’ for lack of a better word. Though I feel lackluster, I am not inert. I still have a bit of life force in me. I’ve been reading Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by B.J. Fogg. It lit up a small spark in me on this dreary day. I’m already a fan of doing small and doing easy. This book is a great addition to what I have already learned from Atomic Habits.

Rainy days are good for falling asleep and not so good for for finishing posts/projects or for starting them as you can see. I’ve come back to finish what I started yesterday. This way I can honestly say I’m writing every day. Chocolate cake and a coffee does help to wake me up a bit. Writing on doing small and easy and tiny habits do push me to test out the idea of tiny. A bunch of tinys do add up. They have the potential of becoming something big. On difficult and/or rainy days when tasks look monumentally difficult, taking small bites works better than trying to tackle the whole thing.

It works for me. That is how I am getting through the days of this difficult year. Today, I’ve meditated and wrote my morning pages. Last night’s supper dishes and today’s breakfast dishes were done after breakfast. That’s how I start the morning. It starts me up. Then I cosy up with a cup of tea and some reading. We took my father out for lunch. It gets us all out of the house on a grey rainy day. It’s cheery to eat in a restaurant full of other diners. Dad gets a walk in the mall after. Takes his mind off his shingles. The pain is not too bad. He is on tylenol and can sleep and nap despite the discomfort. I feel I’m doing a good job as a daughter with short time spent.

The afternoon is peaceful. I seed a small pot of broccoli and another of brussels sprouts. They will germinate fairly quickly. Our spring is none too warm yet. I’ve painted my teacup for the #the100dayproject. I’ve bagged up some old clothes for the garbage. Then I’m out in the yard, pulling a few of those darned creeping bell flowers. After all the digging up I did last summer, they are creeping up again. I’m applying doing small and easy on them. I will see where that gets me. I’m going to learn how to live with them wisely. And that is not killing myself trying to obliterate them.

Sunrise, Sunset

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Life surely is hard. I wonder how any of us can survive it, but we do. There is no choice. I had given myself permission to check out for awhile. There was no other choice. Now it is time to check back in. I am starting my days with my qigong practice of 18 movements. It begins with a sunrise and ends with a sunset. The in-between movements can be done in any order. I like to keep the same order as it is easier to remember.

It’s only five and a half weeks since my mother’s passing. She left on a warm October day. Her flowerbeds were still blooming with marigolds, petunias and snapdragons. She saw the sunrise and the sunset. She left in the evening, well before midnight. She was always thoughtful in that way, not wanting to cause us too much trouble.

I have not had much time to process her leaving. There was so much to do. There was my father’s grief and health to tend to. Then there was mine. You can’t get out of Dodge very fast or easily, especially when you are not Wyatt Earp with a speedy horse. So we’ve limped along slowly but surely. I think we are out of the danger zone into recovery now. One slow day at a time.

LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE

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IMG_6635I was so envious of Sheba this morning. There she was, asleep on the rug, not a care in the world, not a tense bone in her body – at perfect ease.

That’s the state I am seldom in.  But I am improving. I’m reading Lissa Rankin’s book, Mind Over Medicine and becoming more aware of how I am living and my un-ease.  It’s not all about doing the proper things like diet, exercise and genetics.  There’s much more.

There’s our attitudes, moods and a thing call happiness that affects our health and our ability to heal ourselves.    I did not know that I was living in a constant state of distress until I left the world of nursing – code Blues, stats, call bells and bedpan alley.

Now I know and it is the next morning.

I listened and heeded my body and went to bed instead of finishing this post last night.  I needed sleep and knew if I stayed up, sleep might escape me.  And I have slept well in the night and up early this morning.  I drank my lemon water and did my qigong routines, guiding my body and mind into ease for the coming day.

IMG_0829The birds are singing, the sun is shining. Sheba is resting after our romp in the park. I will leave her sleeping self  be.   I could learn to relax myself watching her.

I sipped my tea, thinking of how I will weave my story for the Friday Fictioneers post.  Life is good.  I can relax.  It is okay.

HEART OF WINTER

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We are in the heart of winter.  It is dark, dark outside.  My little Buddha is shivering in the snow.  Sunrise is not till 8:59, another hour yet.  Yesterday, the sun did not come out at all.

It would be so easy to hibernate like the bears, but duty and nature calls.  Sheba is quite insistent.  She KNOWS she is hungry and she’s not letting anyone sleep in.  You try to quiet your bladder, but after awhile you know you have to get up.  So you throw those covers back and step onto the cold floor.  And another day starts.

I’m not feeling up to snuff.  My eyes are gummed up and my mouth feels grainy and dry, like the Sahara Desert.  I am achy, throaty and tired.  Welcome back, SINUSITIS, my old friend.  Your ways are familiar to me now.  I can function quite well with you on my back even though you try your hardest to drag me down.

So, I’m not so speedy or quite as organized as usual.  Is there a race on and are we in a hurry?  Or is there an emergency?  It is good that there are seasons and times for everything….times to work and times to rest, times to speed and times to slow.  We all know how that song goes, but do we listen and hear it?

I’m feeling like hell now.  So I sit back, take my glasses off and rub my eyes.  I breathe and sip my tea.  Sheba is on her mat besides me.  Animals do absorb and ease our distress and discomfort by being with you and being just themselves.  Often we take them for granted  but they are always so happy to see us when we come back, even if we’ve gone for a few minutes.They accept us as we are.  There is no judgement.

I would do well if I could learn from Sheba’s ways….let people know I appreciate them, live in the moment, letting go of minutes, hours, days, years past, of things of little consequence.  Perhaps that’s her purpose…to keep reminding me of the excitement of life, to keep wagging my tail.  The sun will come again.   Ahh, there it is now, shining over my shoulder, lighting my world!   And I have done well in this heart of the winter.

Sometimes when there is no feeling good in your body or mind, you have to go back in your memories for those feelings and live as if.  That is what I did this morning, remembering the pleasure of the cup of hot chocolate, making soup, baking bread.  I remember my body opened up, seeing  Sheba running out to greet me when I came home from work Monday evening, tired and stressed.  Her wagging tail, smile and nuzzling work miracles in easing the tension in my being.

Everything does turn, turn, turn.  Nothing stays the same.  This, too, shall pass.  And for everything, there is a purpose under heaven.  Breakfast is done, dishes cleared and the dishwasher is turning and turning.

 

STARTING OVER, SEEING ANEW

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Yesterday I had my one year post cataract surgery checkup.  All is well and I am still seeing better than I have ever, with or without glasses.  What a miracle!

I had trouble throwing out my contact lenses for awhile, not quite trusting that my vision would last.  Those tiny plastic orbs were my lifeline.  Since my 20’s I lived in fear that there will come the day when my optometrist would no longer be able to fit me and I will have to make do with the thick heavy ugly glasses.  Even the high indexed ones were thick and heavy, causing discomfort if I wear them all the time.

The checkup is a reminder of what a gift I’ve received.  It’s a reminder to take care of myself.  There’s so much of life yet to be lived and enjoyed.  So today I am taking time to consciously take care of myself again.  I’m trying to find the balance that I had lost the last while.  I am resuming my exercise program.  I am taking up the challenge of living an engaged life.

I was sorely disappointed to hear from the City of Saskatoon that there is no bylaw in regards to disposing snow on adjoining properties.  Situations like that were left to neighbours to deal with between themselves.  The news deflated me until I remembered that I wasn’t having the City deal with the situation anyways.  I just wanted some ammunition to help me.

My anger and disappointment have dissipated.  It is really not good karma to harbour such negative feelings.  It is true what they say about what goes around comes around.  Life will take care of things if you live in a correct way.  Do unto other as you would want them do unto you.  And so, I am at ease again.  I am at peace.

THE SHORT OF IT…OR LETTING GO

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So I tend to hang on to things, like clutter…of all kinds.  I have a difficult time of letting go.  I’m like Sheba with a bone.  It is said that it is really not about the stuff, but something else.  So what is it, then?  Do I know?

I find everything hard, even breathing nowadays.  I have gained back the whole nine yards and probably more that I have lost when I first got Sheba.  It is hard to maintain that pace, or so I like to tell myself.  I guess you might say I’m a bit down in the dump with winter rearing its ugly head.  The morning is dark, dark till 8 am.  It is hard to drag my butt out of bed in a cheerful manner.  But being an adult, I still TRY to do my best even though I do feel like crying.

My phone is ringing and I answer.  I am hoping that someone is calling just to chat….you know…how it used to be, when people call up each other for a visit?  But no, it is from someone who is doing research of some sort.  I am honest.  I don’t want to answer a bunch of questions for someone’s research project.  You might say I am somewhat melancholy, but what the heck?  Who needs to be brave and wear a cheerful front all the time?  It is still October and there is snow on the ground and everything is messy!

But I am brave!  I can still get out of bed in the morning, though not cheerfully.  I am not hopping up and down with joy but I am still interested.  I am still interested enough to get with the program, to get out of the house and face the world, to take care of business and to get my hair cut.  It is such a relief to be shorn.  It is symbolic action of some sort…. to rid myself of the excess, of the weight of unnecessary cargo.  I am letting go.

I am letting go of many things…excess hair, the need to fix everything for everyone, the need of doing the proper thing all the time, the need to live up to my own expectations.  I am letting go.  I am free falling.  I am creating my own serotonin.  I am creating joy.  I am also having a glass or two of wine.

 

SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE SIGNS

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Do you realize that no matter where we are, we are surrounded by signs….man-made or in nature.  Quite often, we are oblivious to them, walking right by, paying no attention.  That’s how we are, always in a hurry to the next event, even though we have a million and one ways of saying we should stop and smell the coffee.

We rush on by  not wanting to be left behind, not wanting to miss something important.  But we miss the sign to paradise.

And it is so for myself, too.  I am also guilty of being blind to the many signs around me.  It is difficult sometimes to finally see and admit that a change is necessary.  And so we delay and delay and justify and justify….afraid to let go.

I am seeing so clearly now.  There are so many signs to show me the way…. that    work is not fulfilling me, that it is not healthy for me to continue at the present mode.  I see that in the patients that we have been getting in the last few weeks.  They are truck drivers even younger than myself.  They all present the similar symptoms – overweight, diabetic, poor circulatory systems…in short – heart attacks on wheels.  And there are good reasons for their conditions…long hours behind the wheel, eating to keep awake, eating at truck stops, etc., etc. They have to make a living.

All those things are applicable to my profession, too.  I am often too tired from 12 hour shifts, from night shifts.  I am often too stressed to do even necessary things or things for enjoyment.  At other times, I’m so used to be stressed and tired, I’m uncomfortable being rested and not stressed.  Try to understand that!  And lately, I’m coming home angry.  Sometimes I need a big fat example of what I could become to get the message.  There’s a life outside hospital corridors.  There’s a whole wide world out there.  There’s other ways of serving.  Thirty plus years are enough.