So I tend to hang on to things, like clutter…of all kinds. I have a difficult time of letting go. I’m like Sheba with a bone. It is said that it is really not about the stuff, but something else. So what is it, then? Do I know?
I find everything hard, even breathing nowadays. I have gained back the whole nine yards and probably more that I have lost when I first got Sheba. It is hard to maintain that pace, or so I like to tell myself. I guess you might say I’m a bit down in the dump with winter rearing its ugly head. The morning is dark, dark till 8 am. It is hard to drag my butt out of bed in a cheerful manner. But being an adult, I still TRY to do my best even though I do feel like crying.
My phone is ringing and I answer. I am hoping that someone is calling just to chat….you know…how it used to be, when people call up each other for a visit? But no, it is from someone who is doing research of some sort. I am honest. I don’t want to answer a bunch of questions for someone’s research project. You might say I am somewhat melancholy, but what the heck? Who needs to be brave and wear a cheerful front all the time? It is still October and there is snow on the ground and everything is messy!
But I am brave! I can still get out of bed in the morning, though not cheerfully. I am not hopping up and down with joy but I am still interested. I am still interested enough to get with the program, to get out of the house and face the world, to take care of business and to get my hair cut. It is such a relief to be shorn. It is symbolic action of some sort…. to rid myself of the excess, of the weight of unnecessary cargo. I am letting go.
I am letting go of many things…excess hair, the need to fix everything for everyone, the need of doing the proper thing all the time, the need to live up to my own expectations. I am letting go. I am free falling. I am creating my own serotonin. I am creating joy. I am also having a glass or two of wine.