WHAT I NEED – days 200-202 in a year of…

Posted on February 14, 2017 by hafong

Days 200-202, February 14, 2017 @ 6:10 pm

I am such a clutter bug. My desk and dining table keep filling up with paper piles. What I need is a secretary to look after all my paper needs. It would help greatly to keep my head clear if someone would:

To answer the mail, file and/or delete, discard
Pay the bills and file them
Make my necessary appointments and take me there
Clear off my desk and diningroom table daily

You would think I have a business to run. I don’t. I don’t even have a job to go to. What I need is to give myself a shake and snap out of it. Having put down those 4 items for my secretary, it doesn’t look so much or difficult. So why don’t I just do them myself? Am I tripping myself up constantly, doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Probably.

I have to keep trying clearing those paper piles every day. It’s a tough one today especially when the weather is so warm. I feel guilty feeling like mush, no energy. I’m like that cake with the icing melting in the rain. I feel like hell.

MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain

But I still have control over my mind. With some effort I push my thinking to I can. The beauty of little projects is that it can propel me forward. The success of creating a bit of beauty in my study of palm trees and letting go gave me a burst of energy. It gave me enough oomph to gather all my art stuff off the dining table and move them and all my supplies downstairs. If they were all downstairs, I would be more apt to work there. I have a very nice space there. It’s just habit that I don’t. I’m doing something different, setting myself up for success instead of failure.

I am feeling better, having snapped out a bit. I paid a bill and sent some mail. I decided I will take another interest class for spring. I even printed out the application form. I showed up here. Yay!

THE WHOLE PICTURE – Day 101 in a year of…

Posted on November 2, 2016 by hafong

Day 101, November 2, 2016 @2:22 pm

I’ve broken through the first 100 days of trying to doing/seeing things differently. I’m aiming for the next 100. Any breakthroughs/lightbulb moments? Yes and no. The first thing I realize is how habitual I am. I sit in the same chair. I drink from the same cup. I wear the same kind of clothes. I have attachments. I drive the same route. I go to the same exercise class every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I have the same routines. Habits and routines are not bad. In fact they are healthy, saving us time and energy.

Change is also healthy but it is hard. I discover that I do feel uncomfortable when I change where I sit, drinking out of a different cup. I feel the discomfort thinking about it before I even make the change. It sounds silly and I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t experienced it. I use the same locker at the YWCA every time I go. I’m quite put out if someone else claims it before me. So I’m also territorial! I will try for a different locker on Friday and get out of my comfort zone.

These 100 days have been a slow go, weary at times. Each day seem a drip into the bucket from a slow leaky tap. That’s what real life is like. It is real life. But at least I’m breaking out of the grey days of October. I’ve been whining, complaining and writing about it the whole month long. I’m hearing myself and I’m not proud. I’m making a turn though.

I’m seeing more of the whole picture now, not just the repetition of me, I and myself. I’m not the only one suffering and struggling. I’m just more vocal. And it’s okay. It’s how I find release. Some of us are more quiet than others. There’s promise of sunshine tomorrow into next week . Hallelujah! Praise the Lord.

To the next 100 days! May I flourish.

A DIFFERENT STORY – Day 74 in a year of…

Posted on October 4, 2016 by hafong

Day 74, October 4, 2016 @10:00 am

Mornings are still dark at 7 am. I’m slow at rising. I’m slow at putting on my morning face and coming to the keyboard. I diddle and daddle. Finally I put on makeup, earrings. I put on a pink sweater I haven’t worn in a coon’s age and some reasonable pants. Why do I wear the same ratty old clothes day in and day out when my closet is brimming with stuff? Why don’t I wear a smile more often? The answers could be as simple as habit and laziness. It takes more energy to make choices than to go on auto pilot. My habit has been to grab and don.

Habits and feelings have a habit of seeping back. This morning I am quite aware of it. I’m squirming with the discomfort of it all. I pace, picking up a Kleenex and a napkin left here and there. I gather some laundry to take downstairs to do. Remembering I haven’t checked the clutter in the basement for a few day, I cleared and discarded a few items. When I can’t do big, I do little has become my mantra.

I’m finally here though, tapping on my keyboard. The click, click beneath my fingertips are rhythmic and soothing. Thoughts come and feelings come. I’m pushing through the gloom and the mundane of this morning. I see my glass/day full instead of empty. I’m romancing myself with each tap, tap of the keyboard. I’m creating new thoughts, new habits and new views. I’m telling a different story. What stories are you telling?

LIFE REIMAGINED – Day 51 in a year of…

Posted on September 11, 2016 by hafong

Day 51, September 11, 2016 @2:14 pm

September 11th! I’m happy that there’s not a lot of stuff out there reminding us of THAT day fifteen years ago. As if we need reminders. I don’t. I remember it very well. I remember the morning news. It was surreal. It was the morning of my mother’s ct scan to confirm her diagnosis of aortic aneurysm. The morning already felt chaotic and disastrous. The diagnosis was confirmed.

It has been fifteen years. We’ve learned to move on with it. Life has been good with some bad moments sprinkled in between. Life is like that, you know. It adds interest. It is never good to dwell on stuff without doing anything about it. Life is never stagnant. It is a moving, changing force. You have to move with it. You have to be engaged in it.

I am learning about engagement with my exercises in doing different. Shifting, twigging, making little changes is changing something inside me. I see a little different. I hear a little different. I feel a little ‘different’ by changing the habit of sitting in a different chair for reading. I feel the discomfort of my body, its yearning for the usual love seat even though the Lazy Boy is more comfortable with movable positions. The brain is a funny thing. It likes the same old, same old. I have to change its grooves.

A year feels like a long time. But I’ve 50 days down. 50 days of paying attention. 50 days of writing and posting. It’s almost a habit now. It’s easier with each completed post. I like old comforts but I also like challenges. I can be bored with too much same olds. I can get dull and morose with boredom. From experience, I know I can get over the discomfort of the ‘new’. I know that soon they will become familiar. Then I will move on to the next new.

What is your new? Till tomorrow.

INSPIRATION AND EXPECTATION – DAY 44 In a year of…

Posted on September 4, 2016 by hafong

Day 44, Sept. 4, 2016 @7:19 pm

I haven’t changed my time of arrival here. If anything, I’m arriving later rather than sooner. I hope to have more words and paragraphs. I’m hoping for more inspiration.

These days I am dogged by fatigue, sleepiness and pain. This morning laying in bed, I wondered if I am suffering from fibromyalgia – that vague ailment that many suffer from. I have listened for many years to my mother’s own complaints of aches, pain and fatigue. I wondered if that is what she has. Once again I googled ‘fibromyalgia’. I came to the same conclusions as before. I don’t know anything more than I did before. I am not willing to take to take a lot of drugs. I am highly functional despite my discomfort. It doesn’t matter what name you give the cluster of symptons so I will not spend a lot of time chasing doctors and diagnosis.

I moved on with life and my day, starting with my qi gong routine. I breathed and moved, infusing my body with chi. I put my mind into the gentle movements, knowing that it is not a one time fix. It is a lifetime of healthy habits. It need not be a big, big thing. It is always these small steps we take for ourselves. They can heal. They can build muscles in the body and mind.

I did find my inspiration reading Caroline Myss’s August newsletter on inspiration and expectation. What I got from it was that it is better to inspire or to be inspired than to expect. Expectation has a sense of entitlement to it. If we are good, we expect to be rewarded. But the question is by whom? This is the part from the newsletter that spoke to me:

“Expectations do not serve you or anyone else. It’s much better to be filled with inspiration than with expectations, as the latter usually disappoints you.

And remember, the idea that there is a right path or a wrong path is a child’s way of thinking. And it leads to the secondary belief that you should be rewarded for taking the right path. Or conversely, challenges that are just ordinary in life would be viewed as proof you made the wrong choice. The very template of right-wrong, good-bad is limited by its nature.

Instead, learn to recognize your motives for making your choices in life. When motivated by fear or money or insecurities, you’ll make choices of equal quality. And those choices will fit the quality of your motivation. It is not God offering or withholding rewards from you. You’re the one who has to live with the consequences of your choices. That, too, is part of the system of law and order in the universe. We are all subject to the consequences of our choices – such is the way of karma.

And so we reflect upon this wisdom: Know yourself, and you will know the Universe. Think of the power you have inside of yourself to determine the quality of your life experiences.” – Caroline Myss

Day 5 in a year of…

Posted on July 27, 2016 by hafong

It it almost 4 pm again. Day 5. 360 days left. I shouldn’t count but one likes to cross/tick things off. I’m not doing well in that department but I am working on it. There will be no baking again today. The floor is good enough from yesterday’s vacuum. One must prioritize or I could be circling and circling like a gerbil in a cage.

What I like to do right now is lay on the couch with a book or just nap. Serves me right for lunching on a burger, fries and root beer. The root beer is what did me in. All that sugar. It was good after an outing with Sheba at the dog park. It was cool, sweet and went down nice. Now I’m struggling to keep my eyes open.

I did sort my paper piles, called City Hall about the light bill. Have you heard of anyone eager to get their light bill? Well, I am – excited to see the first bill on solar electricity. I might have to wait another day or two. I can wait. Practicing patience. Damn hard! I better put that down on my list.

The insurance company was next on the list. Don’t you just hate that time every year when it comes for renewal? Ugly, ugly! Goes up every year. The agent was friendly and understanding. We had a chuckle or two before getting down to business. I’m her first client with solar panels. They are not on her list. She will call me back after she makes some phone calls.

I think I did pretty well considering I was not positively positive in the morning. I got up anyways, dressed up, made up and showed up. Thank God for people like Regina Brett for their sunshiny outlooks and mantras. I didn’t put on earrings though. Couldn’t find the perfect ones. When I did, my right earlobe wouldn’t cooperated.

Life can be hard sometimes. You have all these intentions. BUT habits and wounds go deep. They have their knives down to the hilt in you. They don’t like letting go. I battle every day to do/react different. So every day I will get up and put makeup on. Every day I will stand naked in front of the mirror and say, I love you. That would be a selfie. LOL I’m more comfortable in shades or doing my feet. Somehow, feet are not as vulnerable.

Enough mumbling for today. Tomorrow is another new beginning, another new page. What is on your page today?

Day 3 in the year of…

Posted on July 25, 2016 by hafong

Choosing something different every day is not relaxing, especially in the beginning. I don’t mean it is difficult to find something new. Once I had made the decision to bring it on, all kinds of things turn up. I am like a kid in a candy store – grabbing this and that. I am panting with the excitement of awareness. I could do different. I could be different. I want to multi-task. That would be defeating.

I chilled, slowed down, breathed and counted to 10. New is good. So are old. Why discard what is good? I could have a little fun at it, too. No need to be cerebral all the time. I got up, dressed up and showed up. I even put make up on again with different earrings today. See? I am having fun playing around with selfies. Another first. It is not easy. Selfies are akin to standing naked in front of a mirror and telling yourself: I love you. Ugh! I am getting over it. So many things to consider when you point that camera – angle, background, lighting, what to do with your face. I aim, point and presto!

I stuck with my comfort breakfast -tea and toast. I don’t have to do a total makeover, to reinvent myself. Too much could send me into outer space. Comfort stuff is good to balance the new. I love reading mystery and fluff. Nora Roberts fits the bill. No need to be cerebral all the time. I could lighten up with my writing, with everything. See what I mean? So many new directions.

It’s a must to stay with some old routines and habits. I couldn’t do without my 3 times a week aerobic class . It works wonders for my brain and heart, keeping cortisol levels low and serotonin high. It clears my brain fog and keeps me fairly sane.

Enough for today. Not exactly a masterpiece but it was today. How was your day? Did you have fun? Did you choose something different? Till tomorrow.

PS: I accidentally screwed up the header photo of my blog. Dont’t know quick way to fix. But it is something new. LOL. Tomorrow will be soon enough.

COMING HOME -beginning a year of…

Posted on July 23, 2016 by hafong

I can’t believe that I’ve been away since May 11th. Coming back, sitting here, tentatively tapping at the keyboard is both exhilarating and uncomfortable. The familiar sound and rhythm are soothing. I am stretching to find the words. I am starting a new project.

I haven’t been happy lately with how life and the world have unfolded. I would hazard a guess that I have a lot of company in that respect. I am disappointed with how I am unfolding. I am not living up to my own standards. See what I mean? I am beating on myself again – repeating past history. I want to change. If I change my actions, maybe I can change my brain. My brain is hardwired to my habits – or is it the other way around?

I Dare Our world is dark and gloomy but magic still resides. Merlin is listening, waiting with his abrahcadabra! After I expressed my wish for change, I found Luann Cahn’s book, I Dare Me among my bag of library books. The wish was already in me and the Universe knew.

So here I am, embarking on this new venture – a year of consciously doing something new. I can do it. This confidence and optimism is new. I CAN DO IT.

I will not be bungee jumping off a tall building in Las Vegas. Or sky diving or mountain climbing. But then I don’t know where this project will take me. For now, the challenge of change and writing about it every day will be exciting enough.

To mark this special occasion of change/transformation, I have clipped my hair. It’s like popping that champaign bottle for me. Here I am post clipping, fresh from the shower, no mousse. Not short/daring enough. Next time. I see I could use some makeup. That would be something new for me – makeup every day. I do hate those girls who takes such lovely selfies. Another first – expressing my envy!

IS THERE ANOTHER WAY?

Posted on March 21, 2016 by hafong

I am back with my cup of tea. Showing up can be as easy as that – showing up. I am sitting in this space – with a tap, a letter, word and a thought or two. The message for me this morning: Is there another way?

There is always another way. I am not happy this morning. In fact I was angry and unhappy waking up – with MYSELF. I probably took those thoughts and feelings with me to bed last night. I ask the hard question. Do I want to head in the direction of anger, resentment and self blame? Of course not. But. There is always that big BUT in the way.

BUT choosing a ~~new~~ different way is hard. Those well worn grooves are tricky. They don’t want to let go. I am still in the groove now, ruminating again over life’s quirks and quarks. Why can’t I just stop and move boldly forward? I’m reading the message in the picture –And otherwise start over again. That is what I need to do many times until a new groove/habit is form.

No better time to start in a different way than the present moment. No better time to start over than on a Monday, the beginning of a new week.

Today I looked at the world with different eyes. I questioned the validity of my thoughts. I changed the way I behaved if only slightly. I inhaled and exhaled before I reacted. I tried not to live in someone else’s sadness. I said no because that was what I wanted/needed to say. I did not apologize for no reason. I tried a different way of being today. Tomorrow I will try again.

THE BEST I CAN DO

Posted on November 5, 2014 by hafong

Routines can be so tedious at times. Ugh! That is what I am feeling at this moment. I am here, nevertheless, with my morning Chai. I am feeling more myself. It’s good to be able to sleep again laying down – two nights in a row now.

I had been sleeping in my recliner, being breathless and panicky laying down. I was feeling attached to my Lazy Boy. I was afraid of letting it go, but I survived. How quickly habits and attachments set in. It reminded me of a patient I had. Her hospital stay was longer than expected. She had one complication after another. She finally went home after a lengthy stay.

She dropped by with a box of chocolates and thank you card after being home for a week. She was teary talking about being home. She was anxious and missed the side rails on her bed and having curtains around. She worried about being crazy. I reassured her that she was not. She had been so sick and having people around her, checking on her 24 hours/day for weeks. It was a natural thing to feel a bit insecure, even if her husband and children were in the house. She breathed a big sigh of relieve. It mattered to her that I understood how she felt. She left with a smile amid her tears. I was happy to be able to do that.

Yesterday was a wordless day. It was a time to catch up with family. It was time for lunch with my mother and sister. I hadn’t seen them for awhile. It was time to get reconnected. It was a time for my sister and I to give our mother some time, to listen to her stories and reminiscences.

And today is a picture-less day. It’s not a day of creativity so I worked – at paying my bills and other necessities of life. When you can’t create, you can work. I can work at putting things in order. I am tired. I am worn out. I am feeling life. This is the best I can do today. Tomorrow is another day.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: habits