SO MUCH FEAR

IMG_2358Yesterday I found Sheba with her hind quarters vibrating in the sun room.  I thought we were done with all that.  But apparently NOT.  Nothing to do but hug her and give her a treat.  She’s just had a checkup a couple of weeks ago and passed all the tests – heart, lungs  and bloodwork. Her cholesterol was a bit high but then it wasn’t done on fasting blood.  She’s a few pounds overweight, but who isn’t? 

Happily this time it was was just a small episode.  There was no running away, crying in fright.  She settled and ate her supper without coaxing or me having to stand on guard by her.  Progress in slow motion.  Two steps forward and only one step back.  We soldiered on – life in small increments.

jumpingToday she is her saucy self again, bouncing and strutting to her own rhythm.  Maybe she, too, is feeling the flow and ebb of the Universe, fielding the blows and strutting in the glories.  I take heart in her resilience, thinking I need to strut in her wake.  There’s so much fear in the world but there’s that much more joy and glory.  I have to believe and trust in my own strength.

IMG_2361Fine, powdery snow is blowing.  The wind has picked up.  The light is pale and cold but I’m remembering the brilliance of yesterday’s sun.  I can still feel the healing power of its warmth as it smiled and embraced me. Ahh!  I think it heard me just now.  It’s smiling and trying to make a stronger showing.  I am soothed and smoothed.

All of life is a circle.  What goes around comes around.  What goes up, must come down.  That’s all I know.  I don’t understand sometimes but I’m all right with that.  In the words of Harry Chapin:

“All my life’s a circle, sunrise and sundown
The moon rolls through the nighttime, till the daybreak comes around
All my life’s a circle but I can’t tell you why
The season’s spinnin’ round again the years keep rollin’ by

It seems like I’ve been here before, I can’t remember when
But I got this funny feelin’ that I’ll be back once again
There’s no straight lines make up my life and all my roads have bends
There’s no clear-cut beginnings and so far no dead-ends”

So I lift myself up, square my shoulders back, quell my fears and reach for the stars.  I will not be drowned by fears.

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FACING MY GREMLINS

IMG_2285It’s a beautiful sunny day – calm and cool, but not too cool.  I wish I was calm and cool but I am not. Those little gremlins are nibbling at my heels, disturbing my peace.  Sheba is making her little whining noises at the same time. Comfort me!  Feed me!  I rub her ears and tell her it’s a bit early.  I give in.  Otherwise, I would have no peace.

Perhaps today is not a good day to declutter.  But then, would there be such a day?  I’ve been waiting for years now.  It hasn’t shown up so I took a deep breath and started.

I’m a clutter bug, not a true blue hoarder.  But then, maybe I am or could easily become one.  I better get a move on!  I am not plunging head long into the dig and clearing of stuff. I don’t have the energy or presence of mind so I am treading softly and carefully doing the easy stuff.  I’m having a tough time parting with stuff, even the easy stuff.  I haven’t practice sorting and detaching at all.  It is really the ideas and memories they hold and not the things themselves.

The gremlins are getting more stimulated now.  I feel their agitation in my head.  I breathe in and out, seeing and feeling myself in the warm water of the swimming pool.  My arms rise and fall with each stroke.  I’m flipping my legs softly like a mermaid’s tail.  I can do it! I gather the dried roses from the basket, breaking off the blooms from the stem.  I will enjoy their colours for one more day.  Tomorrow they will be recycled back into earth.  No need to hang on and gather dust forever.  There’s more waiting in the wings.

It’s tough letting go of forever.  I’m feeling the gremlins and fear of letting go.  After all, it is the goal of this blog – to dig deep through the fear and letting it go.  Another deep breath and I’m down in the basement.  I have dug through the basket of laundered clothes, untouched in at least 3 years.  It feels as if a bogey man was hiding there, ready to pounce out at me.

IMG_6967No bogey man.  I found only myself, the one who forgot to take care of herself for awhile – and some clothes I didn’t put away.  They are in bags now, ready for donation to Value Village.  Is it melodramatic to say that it was TOUGH and I feel a bit shaky?  Well, it is and I am.  It’s definitely time for another cup of tea and maybe a chocolate chip cookie or two.

CONFIDENCE BUILDING SUNDAY

A lovely sunny Sunday!  You couldn’t ask for a better day to go for a bike ride.  Can you believe it?   I haven’t been on my two-wheeler yet this year.  I can always blame it on the late spring and all the rain.  But the fact is, I am a bit of a scaredy cat.  I always worry about falling.  That, of course, preordains my fate.  I blame my fear on my childhood.  It’s a catchall for every insecurity and fear under the sun.

When I was a child in China, the bicycle taxi was our main transport if it was too far to go on foot.  When my mother visited her parents in their village, it was too far for me to walk.  I was too heavy for her to carry all the way.  She rented a taxi for us but it was her luck to get the same driver numerous times.

He was no Lance Armstrong.  He had no skill.  He shouldn’t have been driving/riding a bicycle at all.  In fact, he did get fired, but not before the damage was done to me.  He instilled the fear of falling in me!  Inevitably, somehow, he, the bike and us would end up off the road – in the ditch, among trees….Thank God, my mother was smart enough to tell him to let us off first when we got near water.

Here I am years later, the fear of falling still resides in me.  It doesn’t help that I was into adulthood when I taught myself to ride.  I would always rely on the curb to push myself off and to stop.  That limited my riding range and enjoyment.  Curbs are not everywhere.

IMG_7379It wasn’t till last year that I took some classes.   I’ve learned the proper way of starting up, stopping and dismounting – without curbs.  What a relief it was to discover that there is time to come to a stop and then dismounting.  I had thought you had to do both at the same time.  Quite often before, I ended up dropping the bike and hopping off.  Sometimes the bike and I dropped!  So no more of that now!  No more scraped hands and other body parts.

IMG_7363After a lengthy absence I still have the jitters starting off.  Can I push off successfully and remain upright? Will I remember how to shift gears?  Can I find the brakes?  What about the traffic?  And on and on. There is no stopping the mind except to push off.

This afternoon off we went – pushing onto the streets of Saskatoon.  We came to traffic lights and stop signs.  We passed ‘GO’  to Broadway and double scoops of ice cream cones.  No drips, no falls, no scrapes.  Just some exercise, sun and a lot of sweetness.

 

TRUE CONFESSIONS

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I have to confess that I am having a difficult time with everything lately.  Perhaps it is because I am right on the cusp of RETIREMENT.  My life is going to change.  The word CHANGE is enough to scare the beejees out of anyone.  Maybe I need to change the way I talk to myself….the things I tell myself, the words I use.

Then, there is the weather.  I am sure that I can feel every drop in the atmospheric pressure.  I feel every shadow of each cloud as they pass over the sun.  It is no fun to feel your heart in your mouth.  I think I would prefer my foot.  Well, I can still joke.  That is something.

So this guy suggest that I surround myself with white light.  Then I could enjoy whatever energy is around.  That is a lovely thought…to enjoy whatever there is.  It is what I try to do when I embrace heavenly chi.  I hold this protective shield around me.  Seeing it in my mind’s eye makes me feel better already.  Letting the words fall from my fingers eases the fear.  Sometimes I drop out and nap like Sheba if I can. Escapism is not a bad thing.

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Vulnerability is not a bad thing either.  How else can God know what you need if you don’t tell?  I know he is all knowing and all that, but he is a busy fellow.  He has a large flock.  Sometimes all he needs is a whisper.  Other times you have to scream.  OVER HERE, GOD!

Screaming definitely makes me feel better, even if it is only in print.  It releases my stagnant chi.  My chest is relaxed and I can breathe.  Maybe now I can find that notice to renew my license plate.  It is due tomorrow.  I will find it.  I am not behind.  I have time.  Sit, stay and dine.  Everything is copacetic.

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WE ARE NOT ALONE

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Sometimes when we are troubled and feeling all alone, it is good to step out of our comfort zone and step into the world.  We might see that we are not so different, so alone.

We would see that we all have our fears.  We all have dragons to slay, moats to cross and dreams to realize.  It is hard to lay oneself open, to be vulnerable, to be afraid.  But despite all this, you can still make a move towards where you want to go.

So I have slain one of my many dragons…..fear of falling off my bike.  I grabbed it by the throat and that fear is down.  But I do know that it can always rise again.  I do know that.  That is what keeps me humble, my arrogance in check.  But for now I can enjoy the ride and share this video of others’ similar experience.  I hope that you will enjoy the ride.

IT’S ALL IN THE PUSH OFF

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Yesterday, I got back up on my horse, the bike, to see if I can ride it again.  It’s been 20 some years since I was on it.  I tried a couple of years ago but my confidence was gone and I failed and I fell and didn’t get back on.

It’s funny about the things that matter to a person.  It’s odd about the things that matter to me.  Getting back on the bike matters to me.  So out to the back alley I go.  I decide that the dirt was no harder to fall on the pavement of an empty school parking lot.  Besides, I have more privacy.  I do not want laughing eyes upon this mature fool falling off a bike.

Do you know how scary it is getting on a bike, especially when you have short legs and your feet no way can touch the ground even with the seat lowered to the max?  But….I once rode this baby to work in traffic.  I should be able to do it again.  There’s that word again….SHOULD.

With SHOULD echoing in my mind, I line my bike behind my neighbour’s fence beside some pipes where I could rest my foot and push off.  I breathe, I push, I fall….Too many grooves in the ground.  I could not get enough momentum to stay upright.

I dust myself off, pick up the bike and scan for another starting off spot.  I line myself along some landscape ties behind another fence.  Perfect!  I breathe and pushed off.  I cannot describe the fear I felt as I pushed off, letting go of gravity, letting go of touching something solid.  But I remain upright, riding down the back alley.

So back and forth I went in the alley.  I chose a place with a higher grassy bank to stop and get off, in case I fall off instead of getting off.  To my delight, the spot was high enough for me to push off from, too.  I’m learning to breathe and PUSH OFF, letting go and trusting in the universe and the law of gravity.

BREATHE, PUSH OFF, LET GO of fear and the shoulds of perfection.  Practice makes better.

 

IF

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I used to hinge so many things upon the little word, IF.  If I was taller, if I was smarter, if this, if that.  Yes, if I wasn’t Chinese, I would be have bigger bosoms.  I would be more desirable.  I would have more men panting after me.  I would be happier.  And if only the cow could jump over the moon……What then?

We cannot realize our what ifs.  This is how I console myself today in the midst of my anxieties and throat in my mouth moments.  Just keep driving.  Keep your attention on the road.  Smile!  You are on candid camera.  Talk.  Keep the conversation going.  Move.  Breathe.  Live.  One breath at a time.  One moment at a time.

There.  The day is almost done.  You have risen from bed, stretched and bended and reached forward.  You have jogged with Sheba around the neighbourhood.  You have driven through traffic, met and breakfasted with friends.  You have divided and repackaged the meat you bought yesterday for the freezer.  And you have met with your podiatrist.  Your feet thank you.  It is a miracle.  I have not been frozen in my fears and what ifs.

So maybe the cow can jump over the moon.  I am on the other side of if now.   I CAN.