LEARNING TO LIVE – day 114 and 115 in a year of…

Posted on November 17, 2016 by hafong

Day 114 and 115, November 17, 2016 @7:25 pm

As the day ebbs into afternoon and evening, I feel my energy and my spirit go likewise. I remind myself that’s the nature of my body and mind sometimes. The day is getting shorter. The night casting longer shadows. I tell myself not to lose heart and do not beat myself up. I can fake it till I make it. It works to act and behave in a desirable manner. I have a choice of how to behave for a desired outcome.

I’m sitting here with my keyboard to tap out a few words. It’s not what l’m liking to do now, but it is my choice. It would be so easy to just curl up and pull the blanket over my head. I feel a bit of the early Christmas blues coming on. Are you feeling it – the what to do’s, the what to give and to whom, the how to celebrate and who with? These are all squirming beneath the surface. But now I’ve brought them up on top.

Today, I saw the ‘blues’ in our waiter at a restaurant. The normally energetic, bubbly young man was quiet and clearly not happy. He was subdued and polite, apologizing in whispers for our long wait. I felt so much for him. I wanted to ask if he was alright. I did not, respecting him. I wondered if I have absorbed his energy. I tend to do that. That is my nature.

I’m sitting, tapping and being aware of my nature. I’m talking with the Lord. It is comforting with each tap on a key. I’m learning from my spiritual teachers. I’m learning to sit and be still with my discomfort. I’m learning about choices – what is significant and what is not. I’m learning to live.

STITCHING TIME

Posted on May 19, 2014 by hafong

It has been raining cats and dogs for most of the day and none of us have been energetic or productive. I got my wish for sitting and drinking tea all day. Oh yes, I did spend time with my Jesus. So soothing it was, crossing each stitch, one by one. What was that saying – A stitch in time saves nine? I am not sure if time was saved or wasted. But here we are in the eve of the day, sipping wine. I am tap, tapping out my words. Nothing profound, of course. I am a bit out of love for the seriousness of life today. Maybe it is the rain. Maybe it is because I am just tired of being so serious and profound. Let’s just forget about goals and striving. Lets stop about setting up steps and pushing forward. Let’s stop time and just play. What do you say?

AIN’T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH

Posted on May 16, 2014 by hafong

I am ignited by Anne Lamott’s post on perfectionism this morning.

” There’s a whole chapter on perfectionism in Bird by Bird, because it is the great enemy of the writer, and of life, our sweet messy beautiful screwed up human lives. It is the voice of the oppressor. It will keep you very scared and restless your entire life if you do not awaken, and fight back, and if you’re an artist, it will destroy you.”

I am fighting back. Her words stir so much emotion in me.

” Do you mind even a little that you are still addicted to people-pleasing, and are still putting everyone else’s needs and laundry and career ahead of your creative, spiritual life? Giving all your life force away, to “help” and impress. Well, your help is not helpful, and falls short. “

I do mind – a lot. Years of anger and resentment are boiling inside my deep cauldron. There’s threat of it spilling over and scalding me. I breathe deep and slow. The boiling subsides, the lid closes. The danger passes and I am safe, again. No use letting my self-anger hurt me more.

“My pastor said last Sunday that if you don’t change directions, you are going to end up where you are headed. Is that okay with you, to end up still desperately trying to achieve more, and to get the world to validate your parking ticket, and to get your possibly dead parents to see how amazing you always were? “

Be smarter! Do not fall back into your old patterns. Do not beat yourself about yourself. So I go into my Wonder Woman persona to lasso in my anger and to turn it into energy to work for me.

Who needs all this anger? But when it comes, you have to let it in, acknowledge it, feel it, use it, turn it around and then send it on its way.

Thanks to anger’s angst and Wonder Woman’s magic, I have moved a few a little mountains in my world this morning. It is not that I have to work harder. I have to be a little smarter and a little more flexible but most of all, a little kinder to myself. It is important that kindness starts at home.

But being a woman, daughter and a nurse, I’ve been taught it is holy to be out there for others. I’m seldom home for me. Thank you Anne Lamott for all your words. I love you.

WOMEN AT WORK

Posted on May 15, 2014 by hafong

The sky was overcast, the morning air sweet with the smell of rain. The birds sang in full chorus. Bring it on!

I have a little gas in my tank and I am ready to tackle the day. No more procrastination, at least for today. I am fuelled by my recent successes.

I called the city about the poor condition of the back alley and they showed up on Mothers Day to grade it!
I made an appointment and got a date to have my car’s rusted tailgate repainted.
Yesterday, the roofer showed up to fix a faulty flashing on the garage roof without a reminder. YAY! I love businesses who live up to their reputation.

I am pumped and ready to go. So I might as well strike while the iron is hot. Is that how the saying goes? Even though I can’t move a mountain physically, I can metaphorically, in small loads.

Sheba supervised from afar, making sure that I don’t screwed up. I got 4 loads before the rain came. Good thing the roofer came yesterday!

So you’re probably wondering where and why I am moving my mountain. It is for creating little gardens of eden – 4 of them this year. Hopefully we will harvest aplenty in the fall. We won’t be able to feed the world but it’s a start….in a good direction.

WALK ON THE WILD SIDE

Posted on May 14, 2014 by hafong

I’m hard pressed to find something to write about today. Perhaps I should set mornings to write. I certainly was awake early today with the realization that I had forgotten to bring the bedding plants inside last evening. And the overnight low was -3 C! It was luck that no harm was done. But I brought them in for a little warm up.

I found Sheba sleeping in the pale morning light, with her toys around her. She can sound so fierce at times, but mostly she’s just a big suck, needing a lot of cuddles and pats.

The morning was warm and sunny as we set out on our walk. I wondered how many miles we have covered in our 7 1/2 years together, wandering down back alleys, trudging through snowdrifts, ambling along winding paths and walking the straight and narrow.

There was nothing wild about our outings except for occasional fields of dandelions in the summer. But I would have to say that they energized our spirits and restored our souls.

I life my face to catch the sun and drink in the sweet nectar of its rays.

THOSE FEELINGS OF PROCRASTINATION

Posted on May 12, 2014 by hafong

I’ve finally made the call! It does relieve those ugly feelings that accompany procrastination. They don’t feel like butterflies but bricks in the stomach, weighing me down. It’s hard to unload them. I do not understand the whys and wherefores of it but I do recognize the feelings of lassitude that encompasses me when I am putting things off.

Procrastination is one of those things like New Year’s resolutions that can’t be conquered or kept. And like love, there ain’t no cure. In my mind, it’s senseless to waste energy trying to understand and conquer. It’s better to use my energy in a way that will get results.

I have to prioritize things that need doing. Then I have to break it down into steps to accomplish the deed.

My car’s tailgate is corroded and needs a paint job. The recall letter from Honda came last April.
My car has already been in to the dealer. Tailgate photographed.
It takes 4 days to do the job. I need to phone to make an appointment.
Pick up phone to make appointment

It’s really pretty easy to pick up the phone and dial, and yet it was not. I had to fight back those feelings of “I don’t want to’s” and an uncomfortable feeling of unidentifiable origin. I stretched and stretched and finally did it.

The appointed day is June 23rd. It is marked in my calendar. It is a small victory. I might even read my book on procrastination. I’ve had it long enough!

RE-FRAMING

Posted on May 8, 2014 by hafong

What a difference a day makes!

I almost bounced out of bed this morning and if I could whistle, I would have. And what was that difference? It really wasn’t the weather, though it was sunny and the temperature was still on the minus side. There was no wind though. Maybe that was it.

But perhaps it could be that I reframed how I saw my world. It was a conscious effort on my part. It really wasn’t much fun being restless, quirky and anxious like I was. I wasted energy I could not afford. But I accepted that which I could not change at the time. I stored and catalogued my experience for future reference.

I found that tiger and put it in my tank and headed out with Sheba for our walk before 9 am. The morning sunlight warmed our faces. The trees stood proud and magnificent, stretching out their bare arms to greet the day. What joy it was to see their naked beauty. And I am reminded again to change the lens I see through from time to time. There is beauty all around us – all the time.

Energized and inspired, I took advantage of the space and time I found myself and tended to my yard and garden, one little area at a time. There was pleasure in each moment, the clearing of leaves and winter’s debris.

The rose bush got pruned, one flower bed cleaned and the garden dug.

The rest of the yard still looks like hell, as my neighbour was fond of saying. Who cares and whose yard was it anyways? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sheba thinks it looks just fine. And that’s what counts!

WHO HAS SEEN THE WIND

Posted on May 7, 2014 by hafong

Today is one of those incredibly beautiful looking days with the sky so blue and the sun so bright. Even though it is windy, cool and no green visible, you JUST know that spring is around the corner.

Today is also one of those hair-raising days. There is really nothing wrong, but then you feel that nothing is right either. I can’t even take a proper ‘selfie’ where I come out looking dead gorgeous. I look like myself. It’s what one wants, right? Yea, right!

Maybe it is just the wind making me restless. We are famous for that, the wind, that is. There’s a book written about the wind on the prairies, W. O. Mitchell’s Who Has Seen the Wind. There’s even a movie made based on the book. The wind certainly can unsettle me. There’s nothing to do except bear with this restlessness and remember that, this, too shall pass.

In the meantime I have put this restless energy into motion. I transplanted the kohlrabi seedings into bigger pots and fertilized the other bedding plants. I will be ready when the weather warms up. I will not be behind. Then I took myself for a walk. Sheba watched me leave. Her expression said: What’s happening? Just time out, that’s all.

STUCK

Posted on April 25, 2014 by hafong

Here I am, stuck in cool Greysville. It’s stopped snowing. It’s stopped drizzling. But it is still cold and grey. The dog is restless, barking up an antsy, driving me up a tree. So we play hide and seek and toss the squeaky toy, but enough is enough!

My tax return is almost done. I’ve solved a problem or two. Now what? I’m stiff and cranky as a bear. We’ve had one walk. Best to lay off on another one. Sheba is still limping a bit. All that jumping to catch her squeaky isn’t helping. Oh good, she’s finally had enough.

Is this another version of cabin fever, being stuck? Too many icky problems has stagnated my Qi. It is time to realign myself. Watching Daisy Lee do her routine inspires me. She is so beautiful and fluid with her movements.

Her surroundings remind me of the beach and pool at Escape3Points, an ecolodge in Ghana. The memory of it brings sunshine, warmth and sound of the ocean back to me. I would walk the beach in the mornings and stop at the pool to do my qigong routine. After, if the tide wasn’t coming in, I would sit in the pool and listen to the quiet. Remembering those times now, I feel somewhat free and unstuck.

THE WONDER IN ME

Posted on April 22, 2014 by hafong

I slept in on this 22nd day of April. It felt great just to let go and luxuriate in the warmth of my bed. Sheba felt the same in her own bed.

There is no need to be Wonder Woman 24/7. Missions and disasters can wait. Others will have to rescue themselves. Our office is closed today. We are resting and recuperating. We have to fix our energy leaks.

Still, we got up, dressed up and have shown up – all in good time.

We are not behind. We are exactly where we should be. The turkey soup is back simmering on the stove. The dishes are washed and put away. We have walked on the sunny side of streets, rejoicing in the coming of spring. Surely this time I must be right.

Life is a wonder, n’est pas?

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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